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JUSTIN

 

After getting home and letting Gus check my whole house to make sure he approved, Brian told Gus he needed to go to work. Gus seemed torn about where he wanted to be. Daphne and I watched all of them try to help Gus make a decision. Gus decided he needed to check on someone named Cynthia and left with Brian. Daphne wanted to go get stuff for my house. Emmett and Shelly told her they would take her around, since they needed stuff too. It was when Ted complained he didn’t want to go that caused problems for them. I finally offered to have Ted stay here until they got back. For some reason that relieved all of them, including Daphne. Ted looked at me strangely, but got that they didn’t plan on leaving him alone. I already figured out there was a reason they didn’t like him being left alone when Emmett said what little he said yesterday before I left him and Daphne to talk. Before they left to shop, Emmett pulled me into Lily’s room and told me to find things for Ted to do.

 

“You don’t have to entertain me, it’s not like I’ll kill myself in front of you,” Ted tells me, while I feed Lily.

 

“Thank you for not making me have to clean up after you,” I tell him, not getting where that came from.

 

“That’s different,” He says, mostly to himself.

 

“What?” I ask.

 

“Normally everyone runs around trying to convince me I have so much to live for,” He tells me, sarcastically.

 

“Do you talk like that a lot around people who obviously care about you?” I ask.

 

“I don’t tell them anything. They can’t see that my life isn’t worth this much trouble,” He tells me.

 

“I guess it isn’t if you value it so little. I guess whoever made you feel this way, won,” I tell him.

 

“You mean Emmett didn’t tell you all about me?” He asks.

 

“No, they respected your right to keep your secrets. I didn’t know anything other than you and grumpy have a lot in common,” I tease.

 

“I have bad days, and for some reason Brian can’t leave it alone. Emmett, I understand, because he’s the kind of guy who cares too much,” He tells me.

 

“Why do you think Brian doesn’t care?” I ask, taking Lily to her crib.

 

Ted followed me, not saying anything until I closed the door on Lily’s room.

 

“She deserves to never let anything bad touch her,” He tells me.

 

“Children don’t deserve anything bad in their lives. What Gus went through really makes me wonder why some people have kids,” I tell him.

 

“In Gus’s case, it was so Lindsay could play lady of the manor with her mistress, while the husband was supporting them,” He tells me.

 

“Brian was married to her?” I ask.

 

“I’m sure she fantasizes that he did, only so she could live the way she wanted. It had to do with wanting more than what her mother got out of marrying her father. Lindsay’s the wicked stepsister, not Cinderella,” He tells me.

 

“Hopefully she won’t live happily ever after,” I tell him.

 

“I’m sure she’s plotting a new way to get Brian’s money back,” He tells me.

 

“You never said why you think Brian doesn’t care, from what I’ve seen, he cares a lot,” I tell him, not wanting Ted to tell me something Brian might not want me to know.

 

“We were never friends before I dated Michael, and he didn’t seem thrilled that Michael and I dated. For a while, I thought it was because Brian wanted Michael and was pissed that Michael picked me,” He tells me.

 

“Was what you thought true?” I ask.

 

“I found out that Michael and his mother kept Brian believing they were the ones who saved him, and it caused him to do what he does; take care of people. It took me a long time to forgive him for not letting me die,” He tells me, looking away.

 

“I could see it making you angry; he denied you what you thought you wanted. I just never understood how anyone could get to that point. To me, if you want people to win, then you give up. I always believed it was better not to give in to assholes who want to put you down,” I tell him.

 

“I thought he really loved me,” He tells me, holding his head in his hands.

 

“Love is the emotion that causes all sorts of atrocities. It causes people to lose who they are,” I tell him.

 

“Brian calls love, bullshit,” He tells me.

 

“If it makes life easier for someone, then I could understand why a person would think that. I want to believe that when you find the right person, you see that love isn’t the bullshit the wrong person makes it seem to be,” I tell him.

 

“It looked like the guy in the park should have made you think differently,” He tells me.

 

I got up and pulled out the food Emmett brought with him. Ted followed me, and I made him a plate, in hopes he would eat it without realizing what I was doing. He sat down with me and ate as if he knew he had to.

 

“In the beginning Ethan seemed like everything I wanted; an artist who understood how our crafts take over sometimes. I didn’t really pay attention to the ego he exudes; a lot of artists are a bit egotistical. It comes from people constantly telling you you're doing something no one else can. Only, over time, I realized he didn’t like anything eclipsing his talent. I didn’t like the person he was when another musician won a contest. He spent all his time talking about how the people must be deaf if they thought the garbage the guy played was better than what Ethan did. Then, when I won an art contest, instead of lauding my art, it was I just got lucky a guy judging the contest liked my ass. I stayed with him, but I also knew we were over. He helped end it by cheating on me, but I should have just ended it before that,” I tell him.

 

“When you love someone, it’s hard to end it,” He tells me.

 

“I didn’t love him, which makes it stupid that I stayed with him as long as I did. He didn’t like it when I didn’t defend him to Daphne, but agreed with her. Daphne has a low tolerance for assholes who think you should kiss their ass,” I tell him, laughing at the fights Ethan couldn’t win against her.

 

“I wanted to believe Michael. I spent years loving him, and when he finally returned my feelings, I thought I’d won everything I’d dreamed of. It’s just, what I thought our life would be like was different from what it was. I guess I wanted him to be the person I thought he was,” He tells me.

 

“It’s what we all want when we meet people we’re attracted to. I didn’t want to believe it when Daphne told me how she viewed Ethan,” I tell him, adding some chips when he finished the ones on his plate.

 

“I didn’t let anything Emmett said change what I wanted. He still feels responsible for what I did,” He tells me, pushing the plate away.

 

“A real friend only wants the best for you. He probably thought there was something he could have done, so you didn’t do what you did. You're never going to change what happened to you, but you can try to get past it,” I tell him.

 

“Alex acts like the fact that I don’t run into traffic is an accomplishment,” He tells me.

 

“Do you like the person you are now?” I ask, worried I’m getting above my head here.

 

“I don’t know. I keep doing things that I would have told Emmett were stupid,” He tells me.

 

“Like what?” I asks him.

 

“Like texting Michael my number when Emmett changes it. Then I answer, knowing that Michael isn’t going to do anything but give me reasons Brian shouldn’t have stopped the bleeding and gotten me help,” He tells me.

 

“You don’t have to tell me, unless you want to, but what made you get to that point?” I ask.

 

“It just seemed easier than being a constant disappointment to the man I loved. I always felt like he saw me as what he settled for,” He tells me.

 

“Who did you think he wanted?” I ask.

 

“The guys he would constantly talk about hitting on him. Brian. Or anyone other than reliable me,” He tells me.

 

“Brian?” I ask.

 

“I sometimes felt like Michael used me to make Brian jealous. It wasn’t until I overheard a conversation Michael was having with Mel that I realized Michael didn’t really even like Brian. He just saw Brian the way the girls did, as someone to use. Michael wouldn’t have wanted Brian, because he couldn’t make Brian jealous, but he was jealous of men throwing themselves at Brian,” He tells me.

 

“Ted, you need to stop letting Michael in any part of your life. If Ethan could get me to come back, I’d be where you are. I like myself too much to want a life where someone wants me to believe I’m not good enough. I think you just need to listen to the people who care about you, not someone who doesn’t,” I tell him.

 

“Ever think about getting in the shrink business?” He jokes.

 

“That’s Daphne’s job in this relationship. I just got stuck listening to everything she was learning. She’s willing to let people talk, when I’d be telling the idiot that not getting the Jag mommy and daddy promised isn’t really a life threatening issue,” I joke.

 

“It was nice… you didn’t… it’s just nice for once not to see pity in someone’s eyes,” He tells me.

 

“All I saw was three people who care about you, maybe it's time you look at your friends,” I tell him.

 

Lily wailed to let us know she was ready for attention. I got up, but Ted told me he'd get her. He came out after longer than it took to pick her up and bring her out. I sat patiently waiting.

 

“I changed her,” He tells me, smiling down at her.

 

“It's still hard to believe she's finally here,” I tell him, handing him her bottle.

 

“I didn’t get wanting a child. I still remember us trying to talk Brian out of giving in to Lindsay. Well, more like Michael telling us to talk Brian out of it,” He tells me.

 

“I had people trying to talk me out of it, but they really weren't people whose opinions were something to listen to. They didn't get that it’s my life, not theirs,” I tell him.

 

“I think we let Michael’s mother’s opinion matter too much. She always acted like she was the Gay Loving Mother of our dreams,” He tells me, as Emmett, Shelly, and Daphne came in.

 

“We all came from a place where our families treated us like shit for being who we were,” Emmett tells him.

 

“I guess it was why we wanted to believe in Deb when she preached acceptance and love at us,” Ted tells him.

 

“She needed you guys to carry on the myth of her own mind,” Shelly tells him.

 

“In case you didn't catch the sarcasm, that's Shelly-speak for Deb is a cold hearted bitch,” Ted laughs.

 

“That’s my opinion on a woman who I already had low expectations of, for birthing the idiot. She just seems to think the bar wasn’t low enough in my eyes,” Shelly giggles.

 

“I’m sure she thinks you're just as bad, you know, for showing us who Deb really was. Deb tried to get in the…” Emmett stopped.

 

“I told him about me,” Ted tells him.

 

“Deb showed up when Michael was told not to return, to give Ted more of Michael’s idea of love. She ran into the roadblock that was Shelly. It’s the first time we got to hear Deb’s real opinion on all of us for not kissing Michael’s ass,” Emmett tells me.

 

“I just let her know what I thought of her and her son. I can’t help that she’s too busy thinking you owe her for letting you near her precious baby. She seemed to think you guys were the problem, not him. She didn’t like my thoughts on where all the guys problems came from, you know, her and the antichrist she birthed,” She tells us.

 

“Sorry, but I think the antichrist would be offended. I think even Satan would object to sharing hell with Deb,” Emmett tells us.

 

When Brian came in with Gus, we were all cracking up, including Ted. I watched Brian seem to take a deep breath and breathe out as if somehow it got easier for him. Gus came over to check on Lily.

 

“I’m going to be the bestest big brother ever,” He tells us.

 

“I think don’t think Lily could have a better one,” I tell him, letting him crawl in my lap and help me put her to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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