EMMETT

I started to feel like we were going to overstay our welcome at Justin’s house. It was just, well, today Shelly and I didn’t want to stay while Alex had his sessions with Ted and Brian. So we, along with Gus, showed up at Justin’s with food, saying I needed someone else’s opinion. Shelly and Gus were on the floor watching Lily. Justin must have the patience of a saint to put up with all of us showing up constantly.

“You know, I don’t mind if you don’t keep bringing food, I like having people around,” Justin tells me.

“He loves the fact that you bring yummy food too,” Daphne tells me. “Justin, don’t screw with free food, especially good free food,” She tells him pointedly.

“I wanted him to know I’m fine if they just want to hang out,” He tells her, stealing stuff off her plate.

“Well, just know when I’m here, bring all the food you want,” She kisses my cheek, hopping off the counter to go play with Lilypad.

“Alex is here and I didn’t want to be in the way,” I tell him.

“I’m sure they like that you respect their privacy,” He tells me.

“I used to think I was an excellent judge of people’s character. This last year I found out I had misjudged all the people I knew. There are times when it surprises me that Brian even wanted me around with how I never had anything nice to say about him. I had actually thought Michael and Deb should be sainted for letting him stick around. Which now I know is because Brian didn’t fake anything so people would think he was a great guy, like the friends I thought were great did,” I tell him.

“It’s always the people running around trying to get you to acknowledge what they did for you, I worry about. They want you to tell them how great they are, when the truth is, they aren’t,” He tells me.

“It's like when Deb would constantly talk about how she's the reason her brother made it through when he almost died. She practically holds it over Vic’s head like a bludgeon. Every story was how she stayed with him, wiping his ass, feeding him chicken soup, and that was the only reason AIDS didn’t take him. I remember thinking she loved her brother, but now looking back, I don't see it that way,” I tell him.

“Last I checked, it takes more than chicken soup and wiping someone's ass to get them to survive any sickness,” Daphne tells me, sitting down.

“It just sounds more like her way of keeping Vic indebted to her,” Justin tells us.

“I can say I know it now, but back then I didn’t see how some of the things she said were her way of controlling the people in her life. It had to humiliating to him when she said stuff like that in the middle of a busy diner. She constantly told Brian he was lucky to have her and Michael in his life. Which is how I now hear the Vic speech, without the details,” I tell them.

Brian, Ted, and Alex came in. Ted was fidgeting. I prayed Michael didn’t somehow managed to get a hold of him again.

“I'm Alex, it's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard a lot about you and Lily,” He tells Justin.

“I hope they didn’t mention my opinion of labor,” Justin jokes.

“I promise not to let it cloud my judgement,” Alex smiles at him.

I looked at Brian, who didn’t seem to like how cozy Alex seemed with Justin. He really needs to tone it down, they were just kidding around.

“I hope you won’t mind, but Ted wanted to talk to everyone. He said you helped him see some things and wanted to include you too,” Alex tells him.

“Justin doesn’t mind. I’m Daphne,” Daphne says, as she pushes Justin out of the way. “I’ve read some of your papers about human behavior, cause and effect,” She grabs Alex and sits him next to her.

“Daphne’s studying to be a psychiatrist for children,” Justin tells him.

“It’s probably the toughest field. It’s hard to see innocence lost or missing in children,” He tells her.

“I want to try to help as early as possible. I want to believe that if we can help them young then they have a better chance of being healthy into adulthood,” She tells him.

“My only advice to you is that there will be times you have to accept that you did the best you could. Not every case is going to end in a win. It’s advice that would have stopped me from continuing with a patient when they needed more than I could provide,” He tells her.

“Ted, why not sit down, whatever you want to tell us can’t be that horrible,” Shelly tells him.

“Ted, you know that anything you say to us is a no judgement zone,” Emmett tells him.

“Gus, how about you and I take Lily to get some ice cream?” Daphne asks him. “That way you don’t have to listen to the boring adults talking,” She smiles to Ted.

Gus looked to Brian, who nodded that he could, then left with Daphne and Lily.

“Ted, you don’t have to rush, just tell them in your own words. They won’t change anything, but give the people who care about you the reason you feel you keep letting Michael affect you,” Alex tells him.

“I wanted to tell my friends… my real friends, the ones who love me for me… I’m sorry for what I did to you. I just couldn’t see past the pain that took over, to see what Brian did for me by not letting me die. It was after I cut my arms up and watched the blood flow, I felt free for the first time. I thought I was giving people what they wanted… Michael, what he wanted. It was a selfish decision, because I didn’t care how it would have affected you Emmett. I didn’t honestly think my being gone would leave any real mark on the world. All I could think was the pain as I cut into my arms was less painful than breathing everyday. So when I woke up to find out Brian had stopped me, I hated him for keeping me in pain by living. It took a long time for me to see he knew my dying would hurt the real people in my life. People who never made me feel like I should be glad for being allowed in their worlds. Justin, you helped me by not acting like it made me different, because of what I did. I’m still, as Alex tells me, a work in progress, but having all of you care, helps me,” He tells us.

“We always will care, Teddy,” I tell him, sitting next to him, hugging my best friend.

“I wanted to believe Michael had to love me if he was with me. It’s why I keep letting him get in contact with me. I know I’ve been saying I’m over him, but it’s hard, when I really loved him,” He tells us.

“So did Emmett and I at one time, but we both know that what Michael brings with him, isn’t worth letting him around. I thought Michael cared about everyone, he fooled all of us,” Brian tells him.

“You know, I was jealous of how close you two seemed to be to each other. For a while I enjoyed the way Michael would act about Emmett. Until he told me I had to choose Emmett or him, I told him if I had to chose so did he. I didn’t expect the way he acted, like throwing away his best friend didn’t bother him,” Ted tells Brian, wincing when he said the last part.

“He doesn’t deserve any emotion but indifference from any of us,” Brian tells him, getting up and going into Lily’s room.

JUSTIN

He might want to be indifferent, but he wasn’t. It was the first time I got to see that he didn’t escape unscathed either. All I was seeing was a father worried about his son. I got up and followed him when Alex didn’t move to go to him.

“Alex, take care of Ted, I’m fine,” Brian says, looking out Lily’s window.

“I guess he understands you need space. I can go,” I tell him.

“I don’t. It was just, hearing Ted talk about what he did as freeing, bothered me,” He tells me.

“It’s hard for me to understand. Daphne told me a lot of the cases she gets to sit in on that involve patients trying to commit suicide. They all say the same thing. It was a freedom from pain that they couldn’t get away from,” I tell him.

“It’s how I thought it would be, but couldn’t do it to find out,” He tells me.

“Should I get Alex?” I ask, feeling out of my depth.

“He knows. I stopped trying to act like I didn’t have problems. I think the first time I shocked Alex was when I showed up without an appointment and started talking without him having to pull it out of me,” He tells me.

“What made you decide to talk?” I ask.

“The same thing your friend Daphne lectured me on. I couldn’t take care of Gus if I didn’t take care of myself. He’s worth me having to say what I need to so I don’t screw up with him,” He tells me.

“Everything I’ve seen when it comes to Gus and you just shows me what I want for Lily,” I tell him.

“I only gave in to Lindsay because my ego thought it was a way to leave something behind to show I existed,” He tells me.

“Somewhere along the way your reasons must of changed. I doubt Lindsay could have used you as a threat to keep him quiet if you hadn’t already proved to Gus you were more than a sperm donor,” I tell him.

“I fell in love with him the minute they put him in my arms. I didn’t want him to ever think it was a game to me. It was how I think the man who was supposed to be my father viewed it. My child wasn’t going to ever feel what I felt from the man who raised me,” He tells me.

“I feel the same way about Lily. I really thought I would be doing it all alone, then you guys came into our lives. I want you to know that you gave us a family to share our lives with, by just walking up and helping me,” I tell him.

“You were handling it before I barged in. It was just hard for me to watch what seemed like a rerun of what Michael was doing to Ted,” He tells me.

“Ethan wishes he could manage what Michael seems to have with Ted. He just wasn’t as good as my father at it. I think the only thing that kept me from ever wanting to do what Ted did was because it would have made my father happy. I try to do anything to avoid making him happy,” I tell him.

“I never could make any sense out of why my father didn’t just leave us. The only thing I could come up with was he knew he would never have been all the things he said we kept him from being,” He tells me.

Daphne came in and handed me Lily, leaving after looking at both of us.

“My theory is not to do anything like my father, for Lily,” I tell him, taking her to change her diaper.

Brian came over, smiling down at Lily as she squirmed and kicked out her legs. He helped me get her changed then took her from me, as if needing to hold her when she cried to show her disapproval of being put back in her blanket.

“Don’t worry Lily, there’s an army to slay the dragon for you,” He whispers to her.

I knew at that moment that Brian was the father I planned to be to my child.