ALEX

I came for Brian’s and Ted’s appointments. Even with everyone visiting, they both knew it didn’t change seeing them as scheduled. Brian asked that we do it at Justin’s house, because his house was full of people. Justin answered the door, about to leave with Lily and Gus. I watched as Brian kissed them all before they left. It was a Brian I always believed existed, but had never seen before.

Brian led me to the living room and offered me a drink, making himself at home in Justin’s house.

“How’s fatherhood?” I ask.

“Better when the other parent treats my kids the way I wanted for them,” He tells me.

“I'm assuming you and Justin are working towards doing it together,” I tell him.

“It’s what I want,” He tells me.

“Any problems?” I ask.

“I still don't sleep much, but it gives me one on one time with Lily,” He tells me.

“Gus isn’t having problems with sharing you?” I ask.

“He thinks Justin’s his dad too, he’s happy having two parents. It helps that Justin loves Gus. He's able to have one of us if the other needs to pay attention to Lily,” He tells me.

“How are you handling it when your flight response happens?” I ask.

“It’s not like is was in the past, I’ve had a few moments where I wanted to lash out because I say things I hate saying out loud. I haven’t though, because Justin doesn’t react in any way that makes me feel like he sees me as less,” He tells me.

“You aren’t less for being human. How has meeting your family been?” I ask, because I can tell he’s not comfortable continuing about Justin.

“It’s been okay, I like them. Gus is comfortable with them so far,” He tells me.

“Do you see continuing to see them?”

“I don’t think I have a choice, not that I mind,” He tells me.

“You always have a choice, but it sounds like you made it. Can we talk about Justin for a minute?” I ask him.

“Why?” He asks.

“I wanted you to tell me why, instead of your family staying here you moved you and Gus in here?” I ask.

“I missed everything with Gus, but I have a chance to do it with both Lily and Gus. It makes it easier to be here,” He tells me.

“Are you having any doubts? Because it would be normal, as fast as your life is changing lately,” I ask.

“I'm hoping not to do something like I would in the past if someone gets too close, but the urge to trick hasn’t been a problem. With Gus, Ted, and Jack I still wanted to escape in the old ways. Right now I don’t even mind that Justin hasn’t brought up sex. I want it, but with him,” He tells me.

“As things get better, your life will leave room for things you used to do. You’ll need to decide if you want what you used the tricks, drinking, and drugs for, or not,” I tell him.

“I used tricks because I wanted sex,” He argues.

“I’m sure that’s part of why, but tricks aren’t someone who can get close to you. They aren’t going to have time to question anything you don’t want to answer. It was a way to have the closeness without it becoming anything more. If you want a relationship, you have to see it for what it was,” I tell him.

“Justin’s different, because he knows all the things I never talked about to anyone, including you,” He tells me.

“Make sure you keep talking then, so there will never be a way anyone could hurt what you’re building with him,” I tell him.

“Those problems aren’t here, and I plan to keep it that way,” He tells me.

“Lindsay, Mel, Debra, and Michael will try, you know that, but if Justin knows what to expect, they won’t have the power to hurt what you and he are working towards. Which is something I need to talk to you about. Vic came to see me. He overheard Lindsay talking, and didn’t want you caught off-guard if Lindsay convinced her father to treat her and Mel to a trip here. Apparently her father isn’t happy to hear about them being arrested multiple times in the last couple of weeks and thinks it’s a good idea that Lindsay and Mel get away and cause problems away from people they know,” I tell him.

“Coming here isn’t going to do anything but have me showing them what New York jail cells look like. Nancy knows, because in the agreement we made the girls sign, it said they couldn’t come near Gus until he was eighteen. It was the only thing Nancy ever did for Gus that I can say showed she gave a shit about him,” I tell him.

“You never said that Nancy helped you,” I tell him.

“I never understood why she did, and then threw money at Mel and Lindsay, which caused all the problems in the first place,” He tells me.

“I could find out if you want me to, and warn her what Ron wants to do,” I tell him.

“If you think it will keep them away, go for it. Nancy will only tell you what she wants you to know or believe was her reason for doing anything,” He tells me.

“I have a lot of experience in that area,” I tell him, smirking.

“Are we done?” He asks, then knows what it takes for us to be done. “It’s not my fault, it never was,” Brian tells me, really believing it this time.

Brian let Ted in and told me he was going to show his sister where to shop. I could see the relief on Ted’s face that Brian found someone other than him to drag from store to store.

“At least she likes to shop. I would rather be boiled in oil then watch him preen in the mirror,” Ted jokes.

“How are you?” I ask.

“Better, then worse, but better seems to win most days. I had a bad night, but Edward made it easy to talk,” He tells me.

“You’ll have times like that. What did Edward say that helped?” I ask.

“It was more that he just talked the way Justin does; no judgement, just talked. It was strange to hear he and his wife were still dealing with prejudice,” He tells me.

“Even with all the changes in the world there will always be narrow minded people. It’s up to us if we let them affect our lives. What happened the night you and Edward talked?” I ask.

“I’d been working, and in general having a good day. I got out of bed that morning, not feeling the pull to stay there all day. I helped get everything ready for CJ and Vicky to stay with us. Until I was alone, about to go to bed, everything was fine. I started thinking about how lucky Brian was to have all those people wanting to love him, and it brought back Michael and my parents, who said they loved me, but only showed it when I did what they wanted. It made me feel like I was wrong for not doing what they wanted and felt that it was the reason I couldn’t be loved. I didn’t call Michael, but I wanted to, instead, I planned to just sit at the all night diner until it passed. Edward offered to come and we sat there talking about Brian and I told him about me,” He tells me.

“Did it make what was causing you to panic, ease?” I ask.

“It made it so I looked at the way you and I talk about it. Seeing it as a part of my past. A part that didn’t disappear but was something to look at and learn from. Edward wasn’t offering me advice but a way to quiet Michael screaming in my head. He told me they could talk louder,” He smiles.

“You know you can call me night or day, but I’m glad you found a way help yourself. It’s a step to reclaiming your independence,” I tell him.

“I want that, but it still scares me at the same time. With Brian being in control of what I do, it's easier,” He tells me.

“I order for you to continue to progress, it means being in control of your life. Yes, it's easier when someone else is making your decisions, but it also gives you a way to avoid blame for anything you do. Loving Michael wouldn’t have been a bad decision, if he'd been capable of returning your love. You need to understand that he was just a bad choice for a partner. One day you'll find a person who, pardon the pun, doesn’t give love a bad name,” I tell him.

“Which he did, played games while I played the part,” He tells me, agreeing.

“I want to give you an assignment this time, go out and meet other people. See a life outside of the one that only includes Brian, Shelly, and Emmett. You need to start opening yourself up to friendship and seeing that there are people out there who aren’t like the people in your past,” I tell him.

“I just hate telling people what happened,” He tells me.

“Unless a new friend is someone you trust to share that with, there's no reason to tell them about it. You're in a city where you can go to see the operas that feed your soul, but I haven’t heard that you went to one. It's time to give your heart the music it's missing, because loving things scares you,” I tell him.

JUSTIN

I love how CJ pretends he hates carrying all the bags while his wife tries on clothes. He can pretend all he wants, but we all see the way he trips over his tongue seeing the clothes she asks his opinion on. Edward just pays, saying as long as Vicky likes it, it doesn't matter, because she knows the outfit isn’t why he loves her. I have to admit he’s right, because Brian could wear a garbage bag and it wouldn't change anything about his appeal. I want him, but right now it's more about my body still recovering from Lily. I want to be back to what I looked like before, and confident in the way I look.

The kids wanted lunch, and for a second Gus froze when Gil called Diana ‘Mom’, begging to get a burger, and not something healthy. Brian and Emmett looked prepared to get him away, but they both waited to see how he dealt with it.

“Only because I love to make you happy, I'll sacrifice my diet.” She tells Gil, hugging him. “What about you Gus, want to help me gain a few pounds?” She asks him.

“I like chicken nuggets,” Jason tells Gus.

Gus looked at Brian and then at all the other kids, before asking for the meal with the toy. I felt the same relief Brian and Emmett did when he got through it without getting upset.

“What just happened?” CJ asked us, when the kids went with the girls.

“Gus associated the title ‘Mom’ as a bad thing,” Emmett tells him.

“Because of his mother?” He asks.

“It didn’t help that Debra tried to make it sound like Lindsay and Mel were only being good mothers. Gus was getting a triple dose of bad examples of mothers. My mom wasn't in a place to show him any different, with all the other things going on,” Brian tells him.

“She's also his grandmother, which makes her not a mother in his eyes. You gave him a reason to trust in fathers, now it's something Diana and Vicky can help with, making him see that mothers are different,” Edward tells us.

“At least it isn't Claire,” Emmett tells us.

“Your other sister?” CJ asks.

“Just someone I share DNA with, she doesn't get the title either,” Brian tells him.

“Don’t worry, Vicky and Diana hate sharing it anyway,” CJ tells him.

“There's a new wrinkle that Alex told me about, Lindsay plans to come here,” Brian tells us.

“Why? Please tell me they aren’t inviting the others,” Emmett tells him, getting worried.

“We know why she'd want to come here, but if she'll bring the other two with her and Mel, I don't know. I don't want the process Gus is making to change by seeing any of them,” Brian tells us.

“I guess moving in with me keeps that from happening. They don't know about me,” I tell him.

“I didn’t do that for any reason but because I wanted to be with you,” He tells me.