JUSTIN

I didn’t go to the diner to listen to Brian announce his father was dying. I didn’t want to see the way he made it sound like it meant nothing to him. Michael tried to say I needed to be there, but Brian didn’t want me there with him when it happened. He didn’t want anyone there, something I could respect now, because Brian didn’t want anyone to see him falling apart for a man who treated him like shit all his life. Only something changed, because I was sitting on the couch in Michael’s apartment, waiting for my role. I refused to be involved in any more games that didn’t lead to us going back to where I wanted to be. So I sat there, not willing to be used for the angels amusement, which is what it felt like Lucifer and Gabriel were doing. Gabriel appeared next to me.

“I wasn’t testing you, it’s not my place.” Gabriel tells me.

“Then what was that about?” I ask.

“It was time to end the waiting, and what you did sped up time.” He tells me.

“Why would it matter how long we were here?” I ask.

“It doesn’t, but I can see you’re tired of fighting. You want to be with Brian, raising the family you came back here for. You need to know what the decisions you make if Brian passes will do to that life. You won’t be just Justin and Brian the way you were, but more, if you decided to have it all.” He tells me.

“If we do decide to have it all, does that bother all of you?” I ask.

“It’s if you don’t that would bother me.” He tells me.

“Why?” I ask.

“Because it leaves me with no reason to be a part of the life Brian will have with you. If you decide against your destiny, we are no longer allowed to be a part of anything you do. It will be like the life where none of you know about us anymore. You’ll be like the rest of the human race, no longer holding power they can’t imagine anyone having.” He tells me.

“You love him that much?” I ask.

“You can’t imagine how much I love my son, and if it’s what he decides…” Gabriel said disappearing.

If it was what we decided then he wouldn’t be able to see his son, or the life he couldn’t have because of who Gabriel was. It made me wonder if he hated as much as he loved God, for giving him a child, and making him see the life Brian had to live to be what they needed from him. None of us had to pass a test to be who we were, other than Brian. 

“It’s why Gabriel is the way he is about humans, because it was humans who hurt his son.” Uriel says, appearing next to me.

“Did he feel that way about all of you, with what you did?” I ask.

“I’m sure he did, but instead believed in our father, unlike us. All I could see was you turning away from your path, not bothering to believe there was a reason you would need darkness in your life. Only you didn’t thank me for hurting the man you loved. You did the one thing I never would have, you turned your back on all of us to save him.” Uriel tells me.

“And I’ll do it again, if what you want from me hurts my family.” I tell him.

“I’ll respect whatever you decide when this is over.” He tells me sadly.

“I need to be alone. Respect that right now the only thing I want is to be with my daughters and sons. I need the Brian that’s waiting for me when this is over.” I tell him.

Uriel nods and gives me what I asked for. When the door opened I almost want to yell that I didn’t need more talks about what everyone expected. Only I stopped when Brian walked in. He didn’t say anything, just came over to where I was sitting and sat at my feet, putting his head in my lap. I ran my hands through his hair and saw the tension leave him. I knew in this moment he didn’t want me to talk. Just wanted me to let him deal with the grief he was hiding from everyone. I felt the tears, but didn’t do anything other than run my hands through his hair. Willing to be what he needed me to be in order to get him through this. I didn’t know why this was happening differently and I didn’t care, because in coming to me, it meant he needed me even when at this point in time he couldn’t admit to it.

For the first time I didn’t feel like this was wrong when he got on his knees and kissed me. The kiss was one from the Brian that was mine. He wasn’t doing it to get me in bed, but because he needed to feel me to know he was loved for being Brian. He ended it, closing his eyes and pressing our foreheads together, before letting out a breath. Then he got up held out his hand to me. I took it and let him lead me to his car. When we pulled up to the loft, we got out and went in. Brian didn’t say anything, just started undressing, leaving me to follow him to the bedroom. If he needed to use my body, I would do that for him. Only he didn’t try, instead he got into bed and held the covers up for me to get in, and wrapped his arms around me when I did. 

“Why can’t I hate him?” Brian whispered.

I didn’t answer because he knew why. For all of Jack’s faults Brian couldn’t let go of wanting the father Jack couldn’t be for him.

“I don’t want to feel like this.” He tells me.

“No one does, but we can’t help caring even when they didn’t care about us.” I tell him.

“I tried to stay away from you.” He tells me.

“Why?” I ask.

“I don’t want you to become like me. I want you to believe in everything that I gave up believing in. Knowing you get everything in life is the one thing I can do for you.” Brian tells me.

“Letting me in past your walls is the only thing I want.” I tell him.

“How can you love me?” Brian asked, breaking my heart.

“There’s no way for me not to, no matter what you do. You’re the only one I’ll love.” I tell him.

“Why couldn’t they love me?” Brian whispers.

“Why do you still love them?” I ask him, knowing that was the real question.

“I need you to stay with me tonight.” Brian says, ending the conversation.

I stayed as Brian closed his eyes and his body relax, knowing if I left, he wouldn’t sleep. He needed to rest for what he needed to do. Because forgiveness is much harder when the person will never love you the way you want them to. It was something Brian never needed from me, because he loved me the best he could. And tonight he needed me to love him in the way he never had. So he would be able to forgive the mother he loved and hated for not loving him the way a mother should have.

“Forgive her, for me and for everything we both want.” I whispered while he slept.

I was standing at the side of the bed looking at Brian wrapped around me. I didn’t turn to see why I was outside of my body. I didn’t want to deal with anything.

“You might not want to, but it’s time for you to decide.” Metatron tells me.

“I thought we had to wait.” I said, turning to see him standing in the doorway.

“Each of you has to decide on your own. When it’s Brian’s turn, he makes the decision without knowing what you decided. Life isn’t fair, and you know it.” He says, reading my thoughts.

“Did Michael decide?” I ask.

“Yes. And I doubt you need to know what he answered.” He tells me.

“He wouldn’t say yes unless I did.” I tell him.

“It’s cute the way he sees you as the answer.” Metatron said, finding it funny.

“What happens if I say yes?” I ask him.

“I unravel this timeline and let it be the one you and Brian made it.” He tells me.

“What about Lindsay?” I ask.

“Is there a reason you worry about her?” He asks.

“Look where we are. If she’d stayed where she was I’d be starting my life with Brian.” I tell him.

“You and Brian were always going to have to be here, which meant she was here too. After this her fate is sealed, and Lucifer understands the cost if he lets her out again. He really should have kept you away from his son, but then he never understood what would happen if light met the real darkness. I need your answer.” He tells me.

“You already know it.” I tell him.

“Then what will be will be. None of us understands the way you two love. But then we were only created to love Father, until he created the three of you. For you, Brian would forgive anyone.” He says, leaving.

“Just like I forgave all of you for what you did to them.” I said looking at us, before returning to my body.