Life As We Remember by starlight



I sat on the couch I hated all my life, listening to my sister wail about Daddy. Like she gave a shit, any more than I did about the old man. Maybe she did, since he didn’t touch the princess. Just me and mommy dearest. I sat there, not sure what to make of my mother, who for once wasn’t looking at me like I was the biggest disappointment in her life. All day she’d been quiet, not demanding we should act like Jack was a saint. I honestly couldn’t figure her out. She didn’t say a word about my friends she didn’t really know being here. And I wasn’t sure what to think when she told me my father’s funeral was taken care of. Claire had a lot to say about it though. She thought I should take care of it, and that it was selfish of me not to save our mother from having to use the money Daddy left to take care of her. 


I wanted to not give a shit he died, but I just couldn’t. I wanted to lose myself in everything that I worked all my life to forget. Instead I went where I really wanted to be, to Justin. He did what I needed, just let me deal with my grief. I didn’t know why I went to him instead of Mikey. It just felt like where I needed to be. And it helped in ways I didn’t understand. How did this kid who should have been a trick, wind his way into a place no one else could get. 


“Brian, can we talk?” My mother asks, not orders.


“About what?” I ask.


“I have things I need to say to you.” She tells me.


I got up, following her up the stairs, almost turning around when Claire tried to follow us.


“Claire, I need to talk to Brian. Stay down there and deal with your children.” Mom tells her, as the demon spawn were chasing each other all over the house, running into people.


“I wanted to be there if you needed me to help you deal with him.” Claire tells her.


“Deal with John and Peter for once.” Mom demands, loud enough that the people sitting around were staring at all of us. “I’m sure everyone here would appreciate not being trampled to death by your sons, and maybe they’ll feel sorry enough for you to give you attention.” She tells Claire, who looks shocked at my mother not caring what anyone saw or heard in the house.


When we got upstairs, Mom shut and locked the door. I’d been expecting her to pour herself a drink, but she just sat down on the bed, letting me decide where to sit. I didn’t want to sit anywhere, hoping whatever she wanted to say would be said quickly so I could get out of the house of my nightmares.


“I wish I’d been better to you.” She says, making me stop pacing, since that wasn’t what I expected. “I spent my whole life lying to myself and you about the mother I was, and blaming you for the way your father treated you. I know it's too late, but I didn’t want you to leave here without knowing it was my fault, not yours.”


“Are you dying?” I ask. Since it was the only reason I could think she'd act like she ever gave a shit.


“It's not even surprising you'd think it would be the reason, but no I'm not dying. I’m not even asking for you to forgive me. I just wanted you to hear it from me, that none of it was your fault.” She tells me.


I wanted to hate her for telling me this now, when it would have changed a lot if she’d said it sooner. I wanted to walk away from her the way she had done to me all my life. But I couldn’t because she was my mother, and no matter what she did, I loved her. I couldn’t say it in words so I hugged her, forgiving her for not being the mother I wanted. 


“Brian, it’s time.” I heard behind me.


I looked around, I was no longer at my parents house, and saw Justin and Mikey standing with three others. “Where am I?” I ask, looking at Justin.


“He can’t answer you, until you answer me.” 


“Metatron, he doesn’t know what you want.” 


“He will in a minute, Gabriel, but he can’t ask Justin.”


I started seeing my creation. The things that led to this moment. What I did when they took Justin from me. And how they stopped me. 


“This shitty life was some big test?” I ask, angry.


“We had to know you would be capable of seeing more than the sins. That you could also see past the good, to see the true person. Justin and Michael only see right and wrong. You were created to walk between it, so we don’t condemn someone without reason.” Metatron tells me.


“Why?” I ask.


“Because we can’t see past the sin... you break father’s laws and we condemn you for it. There’s no second chances, regardless of what you do to atone for your sins. Our father created you because all three of you together could do what we couldn’t. Understand that humans were created flawed, but it doesn’t mean they can’t be saved.” Gabriel tells me.


“We didn’t trust our father, yet he didn’t punish us for it.” Todd said. “I’m actually Uriel.” He tells me, smiling at me.


“You want me to return to the fold? Something that I would have gladly done if Justin hadn’t died.” I tell them.


“I thought I was protecting my son.” Uriel tells me.


“And not giving a shit what it did to mine.” Gabriel says, looking ready to tear Uriel apart.


“Settle this later. Brian we need to know what you want to do.” Metatron tells me.


“To tell you all to go to hell, but that’s not the question is it? What I want is to live the life Justin and I did over and over again. I want all the things you can’t have, and hated me for.” I tell them.


“We didn’t hate you.” Gabriel tells me.


“No you didn’t, did you?” I ask him, looking into the heart of the angel that was part of me. “I’m what they fear, because I could see their true selves.” I say, looking at Uriel.


“Justin was turning from us.” Uriel tells me.


“We loved each other. That didn’t mean we couldn’t do what we were created to do.” I tell him.


“I know that now. But all I saw was my son doing things he was never supposed to do. Justin was pure until you met each other. He won’t listen to us anymore, only wanting you. I didn’t understand how he could love you above everything.” Uriel tells me.


“They were designed to love each other. Something you wouldn’t listen to when I told you.” Metatron tells him.


“I don’t care whether we were designed to love each other, because even if we weren’t I would have loved him anyway.” I tell them, looking at Justin.


“What’s it going to be?” Metatron asks.


“I have conditions.” I tell him.


“That’s not how it works.” Metatron tells me.


“I’ve seen how it worked in the past, and sorry, I don’t have a lot of faith after the way the angels tried to play with our lives.” I tell him, seeing Gabriel smirk.


“Which is why my sons should have trusted me.” 


All of us turned at the voice behind us, I didn’t know what to think.


“No Brian, I’m not Vic. I’m just borrowing him because seeing me in my real form isn’t possible. I need you to understand how important you are to the world, and anything you ask will be granted.” God tells me.


“I don’t want my children baring our burden.” I tell him.


“Spoken like the man I knew you were. Done.” He tells me.


“Then, yes.” I tell him.


“Metatron is going to send you back. And understand, the rest of your life isn’t a test, but my reward for what you would have done if none of my sons interfered.” He tells me.


“What about Justin and Michael?” I ask.


“The ones that belong in that time line will be there when you get back.” He tells me.


“I need a minute with this Justin.” I tell him.


Everyone disappeared but Justin. Mikey smiled and winked at me before going.


“They wouldn’t let us tell you what we said.” Justin tells me.


“Because they knew I’d do what you did.” I tell him.


“And I’d do what I know you would.” Justin tells me.


“I remember the beginning.” I tell him.


“Which parts? The massive fights or the making up?” Justin asks.


“The part where I knew you were going to change my life, just by looking into your eyes.” I tell him, kissing him.


“Was the journey worth it?” Justin asks, surrounding me with his light.


“It led me to you.” I tell him.





I open my eyes to see Brian sitting in the living room with Gus and Jenny, and holding Kira in his arms. I thought about it. Yes it was all worth it, because my life led me to him. Brian looked up, pinning me with his hazel eyes.


“Ready to live this life together?” He asks.


“Do you realize how much we have to do?” I ask.


“Not today. Today we live for us.” He tells me.


I picked up Jenny as Gus crawled between us, and decided today wasn’t the day to worry about anything. Brian and I did the things that were normal for us. We ate dinner with our children and put them to bed. I took a shower thinking about the rest of our lives. Not worried, because together we would make sure nothing happened to the people we cared about. I got downstairs and heard the strains of the song I’d forever associated with Brian. In a way it defined us, in that we saved the last dance in all our lives for each other.


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