Chapter 20 - Life Before The Answer.

As a rule, most gay boys don't really identify with the typical American family sitcom.

Unless, of course, you're like Emmett and you can somehow see yourself skipping around the house in pearls while you bake something scrumptious and wait for your man to come home from work. That was never me, though. I might like men, but I never saw myself as the ‘pearls' type.

But, besides the whole cross-dressing thing, I also never saw myself as fitting into that whole apple pie lifestyle for a lot of other reasons. I was never going to settle down with the perfect little woman. I also didn't come from the middle class background that those sitcoms were made for. So, the whole nuclear family with two point five kids and a dog thing didn't ever appeal to me. Even when I was still young and not yet sure I was gay, I didn't identify with that picture perfect slice of the American Dream. Even the jokes on those kinds of shows seemed to fall flat in my mind. And even though, growing up when I did, you couldn't avoid exposure to those kinds of television shows, I just never really paid them much attention.

Maybe that's why I found it so difficult to settle down with any one guy? Because I had never been properly indoctrinated by that special brand of propaganda? Because I'd never really bought into the canned version of the perfect American family?

I'm not sure, but it does make some sense - instead of envisioning myself as the protagonist in the typical sitcom, I sorta saw myself as the anti-sitcom-guy. I was the one who was never going to settle down. Who didn't want to live in a white-picket-fence house in the suburbs. I was going to live in my swanky urban loft, not settle down, have lots of unrepentant sex with whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and say ‘fuck you' to all the conformist bourgeois losers that didn't approve. No way was that going to be me. I was too good for that. For what I considered a mediocre life. I was never going to settle for something as mundane as the sitcom family with two point five kids and a dog. That just wasn't me. I was never going to be Ward Cleaver.

So, imagine how difficult it was for me, Brian Kinney, non-conformist gay boy, to finally admit that I might actually, really WANT to settle down, find that special guy, raise my own two point five kids, and maybe even have a dog . . .

                         .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

The next morning, Brian woke up in the middle of a very pleasurable blow job delivered by his favorite blond. Reaching down, he ran his hand through the flaxen hair as he raised his hips toward the hot mouth engulfing him. Damn, BB sure could suck. Those lips. And that thing he did with his tongue. Before Brian could fully appreciate all Justin's many talents, however, he was exploding down his lover's throat. Not a bad way to wake up, Brian thought. Not bad at all. And even better, after the blow job, Justin towed him to the bathroom where they continued their physical connections in the shower. Yep, Brian definitely approved of waking up in that manner.

Getting out of the shower about thirty minutes later, the pair hurried to dress before The Midget decided to break down the door. The adults had gotten together the night before and decided on one more adventure before leaving Hershey. But all Daphne had told the kids was that Brian and Justin had a surprise for them after they checked out and before they headed home. As a result, Gus and Molly were eager to hear exactly what the grown ups had planned and were raring to go.

When the boys were dressed and ready they gathered their luggage and headed into the other room. Daphne and the kids were packed and already waiting. Heading down in the elevator, Justin checked them out while Brian and the kids loaded their bags into the car. Then the whole group headed back inside to eat breakfast. Both kids were very well behaved that morning, although they spent a lot of time trying to get the adults tell them where they were going before they headed home.

Once back in the car, the drive to their destination was short. As they pulled into the parking lot Gus saw the sign for the Hersheypark ZooAmerica and let out a yelp. Justin glanced back and was surprised to see a tear sliding down the boy's cheek.

"What's wrong Gus?" Justin asked, concerned that the boy was crying.

"I don't know. When I seed the sign for the zoo, my heart got warm and then I gotted tears," Gus answered, sniffling. "I really likes the zoo. Thank you, B'ine and Jussin."

Molly squeezed Gus' hand and said quietly to her friend that those were called happy tears. Justin glanced over at Brian, whose own eyes were misting over knowing he had made the little boy so happy. The blond took Brian's hand and kissed it, smiling at the older man. He was glad he'd suggested this stop to Brian and happy that the surprise was being so well received by all, although he hadn't meant to make anyone cry, even if they were happy tears.

As Brian lifted Gus out of the Hummer, the boy wrapped his arms around Brian's neck and kissed his cheek. "I wish you WAS my daddy, cause you would be the bestest one ever," the boy whispered into Brian's ear.

The longtime loner didn't know what to say so he just hugged the little boy who had wrapped himself so tightly around his heart.

Luckily, the rest of the group was too impatient to get started on the day's fun to stand around in the parking lot while Brian and Gus bonded, so the big guy was saved from further sloppy sentiment. Molly came over, grabbed Brian's hand and tugged him toward the park entrance. She was going on about how she wanted to see the monkeys first, because she ALWAYS went to the monkey's first at the zoo. Brian mentally thanked her for the distraction and allowed himself to be bustled away.

At the front gate, Brian paid the entrance fees for all of them and grabbed a couple of maps. A quick glance showed them that this zoo specialized in North American animals. There were no exotic animals here at all.

Turning to the kids, Brian commented to Molly, "sorry, Squirt, but you'll have to find something else to head to first. Monkeys aren't native to North America, so there are none here." He handed over one of the maps so she could confirm that fact for herself.

Molly quickly examined the map and then shrugged. "That's okay. Monkeys will always be special because they brought us together, but we can have fun without them. Gus and I can look at the map and find a new favorite for here."

The equanimity of the girl made Brian smile. She was so easy-going and mature for her age. It made him even more impressed with Justin's ability to step in as a surrogate parent for his sister. He'd done such a good job of teaching Molly, despite the hardships they'd suffered. If Gus WAS his, Brian hoped he would do half as good a job. As soon as that thought penetrated his consciousness, though, it scared the shit out of Brian, so he quickly turned his attention outward, and was happy to find an immediate distraction in the kids' planning session.

After looking at the map intently for several minutes, the kids decided to just start at what looked like the logical beginning and head to the ‘Southern Swamps' exhibit. The zoo was laid out well, so they should be able to see everything by following the path and heading around the park in a counterclockwise circle. Brian resigned himself to a long visit, which he figured would be worth it so long as those huge smiles remained on the kids' faces.

They had walked through most of the zoo already, marveling at the various animals and the fun-yet-educational facts noted on the signs and plaques at every exhibit, when they got to the section called ‘Big Sky Country'. It was full of the animals one might see in the mountains and plains of the upper Rocky Mountain regions like Montana. Brian found himself enthralled by the sleekly powerful, but lazy-looking mountain lion lolling on a big rock. He didn't get to look at the lion for long, though, as he was dragged away almost immediately to look at the more exciting elk herd across the way.

As Brian picked Gus up for a better look, the boy got very excited. "Look, B'ine. I think that one is havin' a baby," the kid yelled at the top of his lungs.

Brian looked over and saw the male Elk trying to mount the female, it's gigantic penis hanging out there in full view for all to see. He rolled his eyes. Fucking zoo animals! Now he was going to have to have THAT talk with the boy. He really was not ready for this. But, not wanting to have Gus yell it out again, Brian resigned himself to the task. He pulled The Midget over to the side where there was a quiet space, and in a hushed voice told him that it was not a baby, that the thing he had been pointing out was the Elk's penis.

The boy's eyes got really wide as he announced. "WOW! Even you and Jussin inn't THAT BIG. IT'S HUGE! I hope he doesn't trip over it."

Molly and Daphne seemed to find the boy's exclamations hugely hilarious and were huddled nearby, tittering with laughter. Justin was looking on with an expression somewhere between amused and sympathetic. Brian just shook his head and asked Gus to speak a little more quietly, grateful it was a weekday and therefore there were few people other around to hear Gus' excited utterances. He knew there was nothing wrong with what Gus had said, but he also knew the attitude of some people and how gay men are often seen as pedophiles. He didn't need anyone around questioning how often Gus had seen his and Justin's dicks. Fortunately for all, Gus lowered his voice and went back to quietly staring at the elk as they finished their copulation. Fucking birds and bees . . . And overly-well-endowed elk.

While Brian was wishing he could melt into the pavement rather than endure any more of this, Justin ambled up behind him and whispered in Brian's ear, "can you imagine the ‘special pants' that one would need?"

Brian snorted a short huff of laughter, shook his head and leaned down to kiss the blond's cheek. Leave it to his BB to make things better no matter what was going on around them. The blond could make even a trip to the zoo with a precocious five year old enjoyable.

"When I gets big I wants to find someone to practice kissin' on like you two," Gus interrupted them, giggling at the two men. "Kin we go see the Owls now?"

Brian released Justin from their clench, let Gus take his hand, and allowed himself to be tugged along to the next exhibit. Such was the life of a former stud who'd been reduced to zoo guide for a preschooler. Not that he was complaining much, thanks to the company he found himself in and the happiness he saw on the face of his Midget.

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

The Taylor-Kinney clan finished their Zoo Tour with a lunch of hotdogs, dipping dots and sodas at the ‘Timber Treats' food cart before piling back into the Hummer for the return trip Pittsburgh. Brian was disgusted with the menu, but was actually hungry after all the walking, so he indulged in a dog of his own, silently promising to do an extra half hour on his treadmill every day for the next week. And he would insist on salads for every meal too. He would also be demanding that BB help him exercise off all the empty calories he'd been forced to consume on their little jaunt. Not that he really needed an excuse to ‘exercise' with Justin, but teasing the younger man was entertaining.

As he helped load everyone into the car, Brian found himself drifting off into elaborate plans for all the teasing he would be inflicting on Justin over the next few days. But, rather than devolving into the depths of heated sexual fantasy, somehow those plans took a detour into thoughts about logistics for other family-type outings. However, as soon as he realized the direction his thoughts were heading, Brian got flustered. It wasn't even that the Supreme Stud found himself planning trips to the Children's Museum that bothered him, though. It was the possibility that any such plans might be completely derailed by something as unpredictable as the results of that pending DNA test. And now that the fun of their trip to Hershey was behind them, there was nothing more to distract Brian from his worrying.

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

On the way home, Molly and Gus were busy watching a movie with their headphones on in the backseat and Daphne was reading, stretched out in the third seat. All was not copacetic in the car, though. There was an underlying air of tension that followed them down the road from Hershey.

Justin was surreptitiously watching Brian, who seemed to be a mass of conflicting emotions. The big guy had been unusually quiet ever since they'd left the Zoo. Justin had asked Brian at least twice if he was alright and the older man had quickly and curtly answered that he was fine. It was plainly evident, though, that he was not fine. Justin had offered to drive but Brian had said ‘no', insisting that he wanted to drive. So Justin had simply climbed into the passenger seat and watched, silently, as Brian fretted and worried his way down the highway.

Not knowing what else to say or do, Justin had kept to himself, hoping that Brian would talk when he was ready. Up until this afternoon everything between them had been wonderful, but the way Brian was acting made him wonder if the older man was angry at him for something. Justin wracked his brain, but couldn't come up with anything that could have upset the brunet. He just tried to relax, knowing that, whatever was going on, he couldn't deal with it until he knew more, and that wouldn't happen until Brian was ready to talk.

Thinking about what awaited them back home had Brian filled with apprehension. What if it turned out that The Midget wasn't really his? What would happen to the boy? How could Brian go back to how it was before? Did he even want to? Against his will, somehow he had fallen in love with this midget version of himself. He found he really enjoyed showing Gus new things and watching the child's expressive eyes light up with joy when he was happy. He also loved the ‘family feeling' he got being with Gus, Justin, and Molly. The last few days had been just a taste of what he was coming to realize he might like the rest of his life to be like. He'd even enjoyed the possessiveness he and Justin seemed to feel towards each other. That was something he'd never felt before, toward anyone, and had never wanted shown towards himself, but now he thought, maybe, he liked it. It was very disconcerting.

When Brian finally glanced over at Justin, many, many miles down the road, he noticed that the blond looked very unsettled and was slowly wringing his hands in his lap. Wondering why, Brian thought back and realized that he'd been rather short with the younger man as they were getting on the road. Once they were in the car, Justin hadn't said more than a few words and hadn't even tried to touch him, even though they usually kept some kind of physical contact between them constantly. Brian reached over and put his hand on Justin's leg.

When Justin looked up, Brian smiled and mouthed, ‘we'll talk later'. Justin smiled, looking relieved, and laced his fingers with Brian's. Knowing that whatever was on Brian's mind, at least things between them were still okay, was a relief.

Daphne, who had noticed the slight tension between Brian and Justin when they were leaving the zoo, continued to keep an eye on them even after she settled in for the ride. She really hoped that Brian would stick around. She loved Justin and wanted him to be happy - something he had seemed to be with Brian . . . up until a little while ago, at least. It made her really nervous to see the uneasiness between the two men. It was so unneeded, too. She'd never seen a couple as perfectly compatible as these two. It didn't hurt, either, that they were so unbelievably beautiful together. She wasn't about to just sit back and watch them fall apart. Finally, though, after about twenty minutes of silent driving, she saw them lace their hands together. Smiling, she refocused on her book and relaxed.

The rest of the return trip went by without any hitches, and they were back in Pittsburgh in less than four hours. The kids had just finished yet another viewing of Milo and Otis, when they passed the city limits. Once they got back to Justin's, Daphne piped up, asking if she could take the kids out to the park after they picked up Sunshine from Emmett, and then back to her apartment for a sleepover.

"Are you sure Daphne? I kind of figured you'd want to escape from them by now," Brian asked.

"I'm sure. I think you guys could use some time alone," she responded, adding in a wink to let the man know she thoroughly approved of their desire for private time. "Besides, I got a call from the lab and your DNA results should be in by tomorrow or the next day. Consider this as possibly your last night of freedom," she added, smiling.

"Thanks, Daph. You're the best," Justin told his best friend, hugging her.

Justin knew that Daphne had noticed the tension and wanted them to be able to talk alone. It was just another reason he loved his best friend. And there was no way he was going to say no to some more alone time with his favorite Stud. Justin had more than a few ideas about just how he could work out that tension evident on Brian's countenance. Whatever was bothering Brian, a night of long, hot, dirty sex, should go a long way towards curing it, right? Or, if not, it certainly couldn't hurt.

Brian seemed to concur and readily agreed to this revised plan as soon as his Midget indicated he was okay with the idea as well. All the kids' gear was soon offloaded into Daphne's car and, before you knew it, the kids and their Aunt Daffy were off. Leaving Brian and Justin waving goodbye on the sidewalk.

"So, BB, care to help me work off those horrible hotdogs you forced me to eat for lunch?" Brian asked with his signature sexy smirk.

"I thought you'd never ask, Stud."

And, without further ado, they were bounding up the stairs to Justin's condo, the luggage forgotten in the back of the Hummer and their clothes already halfway off before they even made it to the front door.

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

An untold number of hours later, after they had both calmed down and were relaxing following a long and exceedingly satisfying evening together, Brian turned to Justin, running his fingers through the silky blond strands, and finally started to speak.

"BB, in the time I have known you, Molly, and Gus, my whole life has turned around . . . I always thought I wanted to be alone, you know? I figured that I just wasn't cut out for this." He waived his hand in the air to indicate the entirety of his life the past few weeks. "But, now, I . . . I can't imagine my life without all of you in it."

Justin was surprised to see that Brian's eyes were filling with tears, which was completely out of character for his stoic Stud. Reaching up, Justin caressed the slightly stubbly cheek, beaming his concern. He hated that this situation was causing Brian so much distress, but knew that Brian needed to work through whatever it was before he'd finally feel better.

"What is it, Stud? Talk to me."

Brian took a deep breath, squeezed his eyes closed to dam up the impending tears and then started to bear his soul to the sympathetic blond.

"What if Daphne says that Gus isn't mine? I just . . . I don't want to lose him," Brian voiced his deepest fear, looking earnestly into the gemstone blue eyes of his lover, hoping that somehow this man he was trusting with his secret feelings could make it all right.

"For now, Brian, all we can do is hope," Justin answered, being scrupulously honest, since he knew that was what Brian would want. "When we know for sure - whatever the answer is - we'll handle it. Together. Because I can't imagine my life without you and Gus in it, either. "

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

When Daphne brought the kids and Sunshine home the next day, the first thing Brian noticed was that Emmett probably needed a hobby. Sunshine had bows in her hair, the long hair on her tail had been braided and she had hot pink polish on her nails. Brian scowled at the foofy dog, but didn't say anything since Gus was already spouting about how pretty Sunshine was and Brian couldn't say anything contrary to his Midget. He'd have to find some other way to get back at Honeycutt later.

They all went back upstairs - the whole makeshift little family - the kids taking their things into their rooms and Brian following Justin to the kitchen. He'd become so comfortable in Justin's condo, it felt more like home than his own loft these days. And Brian realized that what he'd told Justin the night before was totally honest. Now that he'd seen what life could be like when there were people he cared about to share it with, he couldn't imagine how he had gone this long being alone and thinking he was happy.

Maybe he really was destined for the home, family, kids and dog thing after all?