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CHAPTER 22 - Life Full Circle.

Anyone who reads those self-help books can tell you that adult survivors of abuse are notorious for self-sabotage.

It sounds completely illogical, but it's true. See, somewhere deep inside, we don't believe that we deserve to be happy. Experience has shown us that good things are illusory. That anything good, can be, and usually is, taken away from us. So we never trust happiness.

But when we DO happen to find ourselves mired in happiness and good luck, we generally panic. See, if you're sure that anything good you happen upon will eventually be taken away, you learn not to rely on good luck or happiness. And, through some perverse twist of logic, you find yourself thinking that, if it's going to be taken away from you anyway, you'll be better off if YOU are the one who takes control and destroys that happiness first before someone else does.

I know it doesn't make any sense. When I see myself doing this, it always amazes and sickens me. It's like I'm watching myself self-destruct, and I know it's wrong, and stupid, and hopeless, but I simply can't help myself. I can't stop myself. It's a compulsion. I NEED to destroy myself before someone or something else can.

Or at least I used to behave like that. I used to think I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to be loved.

And then, one night I found a bundle of pure, unadulterated love deposited on my doorstep and everything changed.

Once I let myself love my son, I realized that maybe I really WAS entitled to a little, tiny, tentative bit of happiness. Maybe I was deserving of love. Maybe I wasn't doomed to be forever alone.

Now I fight the urge to self-sabotage and I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that will help me in this struggle . . .

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

When Brian and Justin walked into the living room the next morning, they found the kids already wide awake and chattering away. Brian could see that Gus was very excited about whatever he and Molly had been talking about. As soon as the kids realized the grown ups had arrived, Gus jumped up and came running over to him.

"Daddy B'ine, Molly was tellin me bout campin. I's never been campin but it sounds real fun. Can we go campin in the woods? Pwease. Pwease, Daddy B'ine."

At Brian's horrified look, Justin explained. "We have twelve acres of land that backs onto the Allegheny National Forest. It's about two hours north of here. There's even a cabin that we use. Although, if you'd prefer, there are sites where we can pitch a tent," Justin explained, laughing at the pained look on Brian's face at the thought of sleeping in a tent on the ground.

"Does this ‘cabin' have amenities?" Brian questioned.

"Some. Anything in particular you have in mind?"

"Yes. Indoor plumbing, running water, heat, electricity. You know, the necessities - things humans can't live without," Brian questioned, trying not to freak out over just the prospect of being forced into doing something camping-ish and wondering if this was a general requirement of parenting, because if so, it might be a deal breaker.

"It has all of those things," Justin answered. "Madam Queen," he finished under his breath while running back to the bedroom with Brian hot on his heels.

As Justin tried to shut the bedroom door, Brian pushed in, grabbing the smaller man and tossing him on the bed before pouncing on him.

"What did you call me?" Brian asked, tickling the blond.

"You . . . heard . . . me . . . Madam Queen . . . Ahhh . . . stop. Please," Justin begged as Brian tickled him.

"Say you're sorry."

"Okay, okay . . . I'm sorry . . . I'm sorry you're a queen," Justin gasped, as he reached up and kissed his Stud to ease the sting of his teasing.

"That's not fair. You know I can't resist that mouth," Brian answered, before deepening the kiss and adding in the requisite amount of tongue to make it really interesting.

After a few minutes of making out, Brian pulled back. "So, tell me about this cabin, Princess."

"It's your typical log cabin in the woods. Craig had it built for my mom. He liked camping, but she wouldn't sleep in a tent, so he built her a place where we could all go together, even in the winter. My mom would sleep in the cabin and we would sleep outside in tents," Justin explained, looking a little pained as he delved through his memories of his mother and that distant, happy time, before shaking it off and continuing with his description of the facilities on site. "It's a decent sized cabin, though. There are four bedrooms total and it's fully furnished. I'm sure you'll find it very comfortable. It's a bit of a drive to get there, but it's worth it. There are woods to explore and clearings where the kids and Sunshine can play."

Brian flopped back on the bed as he thought it over. He really wasn't much for the outdoorsy stuff. Normally, he wouldn't have even considered something like a camping trip. He would have just flat out told anyone who suggested such a ludicrous thing to go fuck themselves. But that was the old Brian. This new Brian - the Brian who was a father - maybe this Brian should agree to go camping. Gus had seemed to be really, really excited by the idea, and Brian had promised himself that if Gus turned out to be his son, he would make sure the boy had the best childhood he could provide. And Justin did promise there would be beds and plumbing and electricity, so how bad could it be, right?

"Okay, BB. It looks like you're taking the Kinney boys camping. But just be warned, if I step in any bear shit out in the fucking woods, I'm leaving. No discussion," Brian negotiated adding in a little bit of grumbling just to save face. "I don't do bears or wild animals of any kind, got it?"

"You got a deal, Stud." Justin smiled and leaned in to kiss the big scaredy cat. "I'm pretty sure that the biggest thing we'll have to deal with are the squirrels. But I promise to protect you from them if any attack."

As soon as he'd got that promise from his BB, and their deal was sealed with some more kissing just to make sure it stuck, Brian headed back out to give the good news to his cheering, smiling, hyper-excited son. With both Gus and Molly dancing in circles around him and chanting, ‘We're going Camping! We're going Camping!', Brian figured he must have made the right decision.

Shit! The things he had to do now that he was a parent.

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

Brian worked a half day on Friday. Meanwhile, Justin spent the morning packing, and between him, Molly, and Gus, they got everything they needed loaded into the Hummer. The three of them, along with Sunshine, picked Brian up at noon and headed north. The plan was to get to the cabin while there was still plenty of daylight.

The drive went as expected without any real problems. Brian, who was getting used to these family car trips, relaxed in the passenger seat while Justin drove and Gus took on the job of Alligator again. They arrived in just over two hours even with the two pit stops for kids' bathroom breaks. It would be great if the kids could manage to coordinate when they had to pee, but whatever. They still made it before it got dark, so Brian was happy.

Once they arrived, the four of them unloaded everything onto the porch. It seemed like a hell of a lot of crap to Brian, but then again, he'd never been camping before, so what did he know? Justin had even brought a small tent, in case Molly and Gus decided to try sleeping outside.

As soon as they'd gotten out of the car Justin attached a special collar around Sunshine's neck. When Gus asked why she needed another collar, Justin explained that it worked with the electronic fencing he'd had installed on part of the grounds so Sunshine could run around off her leash while they were at the cabin. The collar was designed so it would prevent the dog from being able to go out onto the road and the GPS tag would also call their phones if she got too far away - that way Sunshine couldn't get lost. Gus thought it was wonderful that their puppy could run around off the leash with them. Brian thought it was wonderful that Justin had cared enough to call someone to come install the damned thing specifically for their trip. He made a mental note to remember to thank his BB for that little extra sometime later that evening.

When everything was unloaded, Gus asked where the bathroom was. Justin, remembering when he was first there when he was about Gus' age, walked Gus over to some trees about fifty feet from the house. When Gus looked confused Justin laughed.

"The best part about being a boy and going camping, Gus, is that you don't have to go inside if you have to pee," Justin explained as he started to unzip his own fly. "All you need to do is find a tree and you're good to go, Buddy."

"Really?" Gus looked skeptical, but then noticed Justin pulling out his dick and preparing to aim at the trunk of one big old maple tree. "Can I try to pee on the leaves, Daddy Jussin?" Gus asked.

"Not unless you want the pee to come back down on your head Gus," Justin answered, laughing at the image he was imagining.

Gus laughed. "Oh, yeah. That would be gross, huh? I guess I'll just pee on the bottom of the tree then."

When the boy was finished, he ran to tell his Daddy B'ine, explaining excitedly that Brian didn't have to go inside to pee and tugging at his daddy's arm to get him to come try out a tree of his own. Brian looked over at a smiling Justin and just shook his head, but allowed himself to be towed along to the line of trees. As he was compliantly undoing his pants, Brian reminded Gus that they could only do this little trick when they were camping. He didn't want Gus trying anything like that back home in some park, or even worse, on the sidewalks.

After Brian and Gus had come to an understanding about where it was permissible to pee outside, and then tried it out for good measure, they headed back towards the cabin to see what other outdoorsy fun they could find. It seemed that Justin had sorted out pretty much all the gear already without them and there weren't any other chores that needed doing for the moment. Justin told the kids that they didn't need to stick around the cabin and shooed them off to wander around, discover new things and let Sunshine run. Brian figured it was a good plan since the three of them probably needed some stretching time after being cooped up in the car for two long hours.

Brian also had another reason for wanting to get the kids away for a while - and for once it had nothing to do with sex. Justin had told him on the way up that he hadn't been inside the house since his mother had died. After Jennifer's death, Justin had immediately rented the cabin out to an older couple because, at the time, he wasn't ready to deal with it.

"That cabin WAS my mom," Justin had tried to explain to him. "She picked out all the furnishings, made all the pillows and throws by hand, even made most of the decorations. Everything in there is my mom." The younger man's voice had broken as he was relating the difficult memories, and Brian had reached over to grasp his hand, the reassuring touch allowing Justin to finally continue. "We knew the people I rented it to and I was sure they would keep things the way she had them. I knew I'd come back here someday. I just haven't been ready before now. But when the kids said they wanted to go camping, I realized that it was time."

"You sure you're ready for this now, BB?" Brian asked his blond as soon as the kids were occupied playing tag as they ran through the trees.

"Yeah. I'm just glad you'll be here with me."

Taking his hand, Brian told him honestly, "there's nowhere else I'd rather be. But, if you want to be alone at any time, just let me know. I'm here for whatever you need."

Justin squeezed the big guy's hand, then squared his shoulders and turned to face the daunting task.

They entered the house together and Justin froze as he looked around the living room. Brian ran his hand up and down Justin's back, just to let him know he was there for him. Finally, after several long, tense, minutes, Justin took a deep breath and stepped forward, grabbing Brian's hand to pull him along with him.

Brian finally looked around. He hadn't taken his eyes off Justin as they walked into the house. Now that he saw it, he had to admit that the whole place was beautifully decorated. The handmade throws and pillows were beautiful. It definitely looked like a place that had been put together with a lot of care and love.

Justin dragged Brian to the sofa, picked up the throw lying over the back and hugged it to himself.

"I remember when my mother made this. She and I had come up here for a week. I was on spring break, the year before Molly was born, and Craig had to go on a business trip. She and I sat and talked while she crocheted this. She let me pick the colors. It was one of my favorite times with her. Whenever we came up here with Craig he wanted me to do things like target shooting, hiking, or pitching horseshoes. You know - manly things. He always thought I was too much of a sissy."

"Why didn't you take some of these things with you when you bought the condo?" Brian asked, hoping that it was the right thing to ask and wouldn't upset Justin.

"Because it was too soon. Anything that reminded me of her tended to throw me into a depression, and I needed to be there for Molly. As much as I loved my mom, it was just too hard to have anything she had touched around me. Molly brought a few of her things from the house for her own room, but other than Gus Bear, who my mother had bought for me when she found out she was pregnant with Molly, and who had been in a box in storage until I gave him to Gus, I didn't bring anything there for myself. After Molly took what she wanted, I had someone go in, pack up and donate everything in the house. But now, I think I may be ready to bring some of these things home."

Looking around, Brian could see the love that Justin's mom must have had for her family. He noticed the pictures on the mantle before Justin did. There were pictures of all of them, even Craig. Brian walked over and laid the picture of the older man face down. Then he picked up a picture of Justin's mother and saw where his lover had gotten his beautiful looks. Jennifer had been a stunning woman, and Justin had the same bright smile.

Coming up beside his lover, Justin took the picture of Craig that Brian had turned over and threw it into the fireplace without even looking at it. There was a tinkle of glass as the frame broke, but other than that the cabin was still and silent. Then Justin took the picture of Jennifer from Brian's hand and that was when the tears started.

"Damn. I miss her so much," he said as Brian wrapped him in his arms, trying to offer whatever comfort he could.

Pulling back, the older man asked, "do you want to be alone?"

Justin nodded. "Yeah. Just for a few minutes though. Could you . . . Could you wait on the porch?"

"No problem. Just yell when you need me," Brian advised, kissing his blond's forehead before going out the front door onto the big, shady porch.

Less than five minutes later, Justin called him back in, already drying his eyes. Brian walked in and headed straight into Justin's open arms. He wrapped his own arms tightly around the slight frame of his lover, holding the smaller man until he felt him relax.

"I'm glad we came here. It's time for me to put the past behind me and get on with living my life. And the best part is that I'll be living it with you and the kids," Justin told him, and he was definitely looking forward to those ‘kids' going to bed tonight.

Brian was really hoping the kids in question wanted to sleep in the tent . . . outside.

"Now, how about I give you a tour of the rest of the house," Justin proposed, taking Brian's hand.

The ‘cabin' was actually quite large. When you walked in the front door there was a large living room with a stone fireplace. To the left of the front door was the master bedroom suite. It was beautifully furnished with a four poster bed and matching dressers. All the curtains and quilts had been made by Justin's mother and beautifully taken care of by the couple who had been staying in the house. When Justin had told them that he would be coming, they had removed everything from the storage they had been keeping things in and set up the house the same way it had been when Justin had first rented it to them.

The master bath was something that Brian couldn't wait to use. The sections of the walls that weren't windows were covered with large stone tile and the whole room had been designed to look like you were outside. It had an open shower and an amazing jetted tub.

"BB, I think I know where you got your love of fancy bathrooms."

"My mom always said that a bathroom should be a place you could escape the world in, allowing you to wash away all the bad things."

On the other side of the living room, and toward the back of the house, was the kitchen. It was a beautifully designed chef's dream kitchen. Justin had told him that he got his love of cooking from his mother and this room definitely belonged to someone who loved to cook. Every appliance was top of the line, and designed to last. Over on the far side of the room was a beautiful hand-carved table and chairs and another, smaller, fireplace. The chairs had each been carved out of a single solid piece of wood and polished to a high gloss, then adorned with a beautifully hand embroidered cushion.

After touring the downstairs they headed to the second level. There were two bedrooms and a study/spare room. Both Justin and Molly's bedrooms had chunky wood furniture and handmade accents crafted by Justin's mother. It was obvious that she had taken her children's interests into consideration when she had lovingly designed their rooms, each of which had it's own bathroom, both done in the same outside stone style as the master bathroom, but with things that each of her children liked. Molly's bedroom and bathroom were both decorated with sprites and fairies, It was the perfect room for a little girl. Brian was surprised, however, when they walked into Justin's old bedroom. That room was decorated with posters of swimmers, wrestlers, volleyball players and other sports figures.

"You liked sports?" Brian asked. He'd never seen Justin even look at anything sports related.

"No. But wait till you see my bathroom," Justin replied, taking Brian's hand and leading him into the attached bathroom. The bath had drawings and paintings of sports figures on every wall, many of them quite well-endowed. "Craig thought if he surrounded me with this kind of stuff it would make me more manly. All it did was give me a reason to hide out in the shower and jerk off. My mother giggled when Craig ordered her to redo my rooms when I turned thirteen. She already suspected I was gay and had the paintings commissioned by a local artist. When I eventually came out to her, she told me that was the reason for the paintings in my bathroom. She figured if she had to do what he wanted, she would do it in a way that I could at least get some enjoyment out of it. She really was the best," Justin commented, squeezing Brian's hand for strength.

"I think I would have liked your mom," Brian admitted.

"She would have loved you too. And not just because you're so easy to love," Justin added with a saucy, teasing smile aimed at his more reserved lover. "I'm going to take pictures of all of this and then we can have it redone for Gus - after we ask him what HE wants in here."  

The study, which had been intended for Craig's private use, was furnished more plainly, as the man only wanted it to be there in the rare case he needed to work while they were on vacation. There was also a pull-out couch in the study, in case it was needed for additional visitors, and it had it's own bathroom, which was decorated much more traditionally, unlike the elaborate ones that were connected to the bedrooms, and which opened onto the hallway.

Brian thoroughly approved of this version of a ‘cabin'. The house was amazing, along with it's owner. And, if things worked out the way he hoped they would, he was sure that they would all be spending a lot of time ‘camping' here in the future.

"Sooooo . . .  what do you think?" Justin asked as they trooped back down the stairs to the main floor.

"It's not bad," Brian responded in his typical laconic fashion.

"It's better than ‘not bad', Stud," Justin rejoined, punctuating his comment with a little kick to the rear end of the brunet who was proceeding him down the stairs and was therefore vulnerable at that moment.

"Okay. It's great. I never even dreamed a ‘cabin' in the woods would be this nice. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Good, because I was hoping that we could make camping together a regular family event - just like when I was a kid," Justin ventured, coming to a stop as soon as they reached the ground floor and pulling Brian around to look at him before the big guy could escape. "Assuming that, when you told Gus he could call me ‘Daddy Jussin', you were serious about us being a family and all. I mean, we haven't really talked about that yet, or what it means, or how it's all going to work, or anything really . . ."

Brian leaned down and kissed the beautiful, pouty pink lips in order to stop Justin before he babbled any further. "Stop, before you hurt yourself," he teased. "Yes, of course I was serious, BB. I . . ." Brian sighed, struggling to find the right words and failing, but then just deciding to go for it and be damned. "I guess I should have, maybe, talked to you about the ‘Daddy' thing before I said anything to Gus. I hope you're not pissed off at me. It just felt like the right thing at the time, you know?" From the way Justin was smiling up at him, Brian figured he was forgiven for doing things a bit back-asswards, so he carried on. "See, I've been thinking a lot over the past week or so. This . . . whatever . . . we have going here . . . Well, I like it . . . I like it a whole fucking lot. And, you know I have no experience, whatsoever, with any kind of relationship shit, but it seems like we're doing okay. Right? So, I was hoping . . . I mean, I thought . . I thought we could just . . . keep doing this, you know? Does that sound good to you?"

Justin burst out laughing at the uncomfortable, questioning look Brian was sending his way, not to mention the bumbling explanation. He found Brian to be utterly adorable sometimes and this was definitely one of those times. The big guy, who was normally so brash and confident, was so unsure of himself when it came to emotional stuff. It was cute. Not that he'd ever tell Brian that, of course.

"So, I take it that's your way of proposing that we continue whatever ‘this' is indefinitely?" Justin asked, just to be clear, and received an immediate nod in agreement from his exasperating brunet. "Awww, Brian Kinney, are you asking me to ‘go steady'?" he teased.

"What? Fuck. Am I? Is that . . . is that what we're doing?" Brian seemed so adorably flustered by the jibe that Justin couldn't stop himself from giggling again. "Damn you, BB. I think you're enjoying this way too much." Justin nodded and scrunched his face up in mirth. "Fine. If that's the way you want to play this, then, yes. Justin Taylor, will you be my main squeeze?" he asked, adding in a sample squeeze to the younger man's middle and chuckling a little along with his lover.

"I would love to be your main squeeze, Brian Kinney," Justin said with a return squeeze, before his expression became much more serious. "But, just so we're all clear, I need to know what that means to you. I mean, I'm honored to have Gus call me his ‘Daddy', but that implies something a bit more permanent, don't you think? If we're really going to do this, and if we're telling the kids that we're going to be a family and they can look at the both of us as their fathers, that's a pretty big commitment. Are you sure that's what you want, Brian?"

Brian took a deep breath and gazed into the deep blue eyes of the man he'd come to see as the only person he truly COULD make a commitment to. "Yes. I am ready, Justin. I want this. I REALLY want this. I want you. And I want us to have all this," he raised his head and looked around the cabin. "I think I'm ready for the kid, the dog, the cabin, and even the commitment . . . if you'll have me."

"Come here, you big adorable lug, you," Justin gushed, pulling Brian's face down so he could get to those lips he wanted to kiss so badly.

Several wet, tongue-filled minutes later, they finally resurfaced, taking a breathing break from the kissing, and Justin was able to delve a little deeper into what this new deal entailed.

"Not to belabor the point, but I really want to be sure what we're saying here, Stud," Justin started again. "If I'm hearing you correctly, and we're going to do this thing, then how do you see it working? Are we also going to be exclusive? I know that would be a huge change for you . . ."

"Well, I . . ." Brian looked a little sheepish, and Justin would have loved to kiss him again just for being so fucking adorable, but he held off because he really wanted to hear Brian's answer. "I've kind of already BEEN exclusive . . . There hasn't been anyone else since the day I met you, BB. I don't know exactly how it happened - I didn't really plan for it, you know - but I haven't really felt like I needed or even wanted anyone else. So . . . Well, I guess what I'm saying is, yes, I want this thing to be exclusive. Just you and me. Is that . . . is that okay?"

"It's more than okay, big guy." Justin beamed at him with a full wattage smile that warmed Brian's heart at least five whole degrees. "Now, the next question is where are we going to do this? Because I think it would be a little awkward for Gus to have his two daddies living in different apartments. So, what do you say to moving in with me and Molly for good? Or is that moving too fast for you?"

"It really is a bit lesbianic, isn't it? Shit. We fucked on our second date and now, like a month later, we're already talking about moving in together. What the hell? I hope I haven't started growing a twat . . ."

"Brian! Focus here, you big goof," Justin laughed at his worried Stud.

"Right. Focus . . . So, I agree that we can't have Gus' two daddies living in different places, and my loft definitely won't work for all of us, but, well . . ."

"Well, what?" Justin asked, looking concerned and wondering if he really HAD moved too fast for his one-time-stud lover. "You're saying you DON'T want to live together?"

"No. Not at all. I definitely think we should consolidate living arrangements. In case you haven't noticed, I sort of already HAVE moved into your place." Brian shrugged with a self-deprecating chuckle. "And, if you want to stay at your condo, that's fine. It's certainly adequate. But I was just thinking - with all four of us, a dog, not to mention you needing a studio and me needing an office or at least somewhere I can work when I need to bring stuff home from Kinnetik, even your condo is a bit cramped. What do you say to looking for a new place? Something big enough for all of us?"

"I LOVE that idea, Brian." Justin lit up with excitement. "I'm sure we can find something that'll be perfect. Maybe even a place with a yard for Gus to play in? Plus, I think it's a good idea to start off this thing we have in a brand new place - someplace that's OURS - that we picked out together. Let's do it, Stud!"

"Just promise me that you will design an amazing bathroom for our new place," Brian requested.

"Consider it done, big guy!" Justin affirmed.

And they proceeded to seal their deal with a nice, long, intense make out session, which Brian hoped foretold good things about whatever this future was they were heading into.

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

 

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