Chapter 6 - Life Experiences.

You know how, when you're growing up, you imagine what your life will be like when you're an adult? We dream that we'll be rich, successful, handsome, smart, have nice things, etc. You always expect that it will be so perfect. That you will somehow right all the wrongs of the past and rise up to be the best you can be. I guess that's because, when you're young, you're just naturally optimistic.

But life has a way of making you give up on your youthful dreams pretty quickly. It's never the way you expected. You have to work to get anywhere, and there are bills to pay, difficult choices to make, and lots of disappointments to bear. Let's face it, adulting is hard work and it's far too easy to get discouraged. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have lost that naive optimism.

Maybe I reached that jaded perspective earlier than others because of my background and the realities of life with Jack Kinney as a father. By the time I reached thirty I was convinced that life would always let me down. I had run the full spectrum from kiddie optimism to downright pessimism. Yes, I had achieved some of those good things I had yearned for as a child - I had a job that paid decent money and I was still physically attractive, but I'd already learned not to depend on others or count on that good fortune lasting. In fact, I really didn't trust anyone or anything. My mantra was that the only person you needed - the only one you could truly rely on - was yourself. Everyone and everything else and would inevitably let you down.

Luckily for me, though, there have been other unexpected events in my life that made me change my mind about remaining emotionally distant . . .

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

The ride home was filled with Gus and Molly talking about everything they'd done and seen at the zoo. By contrast, Brian and Justin said very little, merely exchanging hungry looks every so often. By the time they reached the loft Gus was more than ready for a short nap. Once Gus was put into bed with Leather Bear tucked in next to him, Molly asked to watch a movie, leaving Brian and Justin free to get to know each other better.

"Molly, I'm going to take your brother up to the roof so we can set things up for the barbecue," Brian warned. "If Gus wakes up or you need anything just hit #1 on the phone - it rings my cell. There's water, juice, and soda in the fridge, and there are chips and crackers in the cabinet," he added, glad that he'd just stocked up on junk food for Gus' benefit.

"Okay, Brian. Have fun you two," Molly answered with a wink.

Secretly, Molly hoped that her brother and this gorgeous man could become friends and maybe more. Sometimes she felt bad for her brother. He never wanted to leave her with anyone to go out and have fun on his own. He was the best brother in the world and she only wanted him to be happy. Maybe Brian would be the one to finally get through to him? Right then and there she promised herself to do anything she could to help him get to that happy ending, which included making herself scarce for the next hour or so while the two men did whatever they were going to do upstairs alone. So she just waved as they walked out the door and then turned back to her movie.

Brian led Justin up to the roof. He'd recently bought the building and had decided he wanted somewhere he could escape. Somewhere that no one knew about. So he'd renovated the roof and set up an elegant outdoor living space. He had a barbecue, a hot tub, outdoor furniture, and a small garden area all arranged under a retractable awning to protect from sun or rain when needed. One of the things he loved to do more than anything these days was relax in his secret garden.

"This is beautiful Brian. I was expecting a tar roof and a little round charcoal grill. What you have here is an amazing space," Justin praised as he scanned the amenities.

"Thanks. You're the first person I've ever had up here," Brian admitted as he ushered his guest over to the seating area. "I built it as an escape. Somewhere I could get away from everyone and everything. A place only I knew about." Before he could get too far into bearing his soul, though, Brian remembered why they were there and stopped himself. "Now, how about we sit down and get to know each other a little better?"

Brian gave Justin a gentle shove that toppled the younger man down onto a plush lounger and then moved to straddle the seat so that he was looming over the supine figure. Justin scooted up a bit so that he was sitting up rather than lying down and then wiggled until his own legs were spread down the length of the long cushion. As soon as Justin was settled, Brian sat himself down, letting his legs drape over the blond's thighs so that the vees of their crotches formed a diamond shape, and grabbed onto the arms of the chair so that the smaller man was essentially caged in. Then Brian leaned forward and took a taste of those delicious, pouty pink lips that he'd been dying to sample all day long.

That first kiss was long and slow, and grew more and more intense by the minute. The heat between the two of them was palpable. It would have been easy to fall into the moment, but before the situation could progress beyond kissing, Justin pulled away.

Not that he wasn't attracted to Brian - he definitely was - but he thought they were moving way too fast. He'd never really been a one-night-stand kind of guy and he certainly wasn't comfortable having a quickie up here on the roof while his kid sister was waiting downstairs. Before they got all hot and heavy, he'd prefer to find out more about Brian and see if, maybe, whatever was between them could become something more.

"Whoa, Big Guy," Justin cautioned, pushing back against Brian's chest when he tried to dive back in after gulping a breath. "Can we please just slow things down for a minute or two? I love being swept off my feet as much as the next guy, but, well . . ."

Brian was about to object and shoot off one of his usual aggressive and snarky lines about not wasting time talking when they could be fucking, when he caught himself.

Brian knew this guy wasn't like one of the standard issue tricks he normally brought home. If Justin had been just another trick, Brian wouldn't have brought him up to his roof garden. And he wouldn't have spent the whole day hanging out with him and two kids at the fucking zoo. This was wholly uncharted territory for Brian. But, somewhere deep inside, he knew that there was a potential here that he'd never even dared to contemplate before.

Brian took a calming breath to help waft away the confusion caused by his lust and then really looked at the beautiful young blond in front of him. Damn, this guy was fucking hot - with those sparkling, bright blue eyes, the almost white-blond hair, the sweet, kiss-crushed lips, the trim well-proportioned twinkie physique, and all the rest of the package that went along with it - and Brian had rarely met anyone he felt this physically attracted to. Most of the guys he thought were worthy of his attention, were nothing more than a mouth or ass to fuck quickly. Not this one. This one was much more. And, from Justin's response to his kiss, he thought the appreciation was returned, too. But, looking into those gemstone blue eyes, Brian was unsettled to find a shaded wariness hiding behind the sheen of mutual attraction. And for some almost inexplicable reason, Brian felt compelled to conquer that note of distrust.  

Leaning back so as to give the other man a modicum of space, he did something he didn't think he'd ever tried before - he decided to try talking with a potential trick.

"Fine. I'm game," he offered with a confused, almost shy, smile. "I know we both had questions. And, since you're the guest, you can go first," Brian told Justin, shifting back a few inches so there was a bigger gap between their bodies, hoping that the increased distance would help.

"Okay. So tell me about Gus? You said it was a ‘loaded subject' . . ." Justin prompted.

Brian proceeded to tell Justin about Gus showing up on Friday night with the child's name and Brian's address on a lanyard around his neck. He explained that he was only keeping the boy until he could figure out where the tyke was really supposed to be. When Justin questioned him further, Brian started explaining that he had no idea who Gus's mother was, having asked Gus his mother's first name and received only the answer of ‘Mommy'.

"Her name is Lindsay Peterson," Justin interjected.

"How do you know that?" Brian asked, wondering how Justin could possibly know something like that.

"Molly and Gus were talking while we were in the petting zoo and she asked him the same thing you did. When he answered ‘Mommy' I asked him what her friends and other grown-ups call her, and he said ‘Lindsay or Miss Peterson'," Justin answered, smiling. "Sometimes, with little kids, the thing that matters is the way you ask a question."

Brian sat there thinking for a minute; he'd known a Lindsay Peterson in college. They had even gone out a few times before both of them decided that they were gay. But the last time he had seen or heard from Lindsay was . . . Oh shit! She'd been the one at the Alumni Reunion Dinner! That had been about six years ago, right? He had almost forgotten about her but hearing that name brought back more of his lost memories. They were talking and drinking late into the night and when the venue had closed they'd gone back to her room to continue their celebration. He didn't remember exactly what had happened after that except that the next morning he woke up in her bed. They had both been naked. He had quickly dressed and left without waking her, wanting to avoid any awkwardness. And he hadn't heard from her - or even thought about her - since. Shit! Could it be . . . ?

"Great! At least now that I know the mother's name I might be able to find out what the hell is going on," Brian responded when he'd wrestled down the incipient panic that recollection brought forth. He really didn't want to get into his ‘unfortunate hetero' memories right then, though. It was time to change the subject. "So, that's my mystery explained. Now, how about you tell me about yours?" Brian suggested.

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

Justin blinked slowly and took a few deep breaths. He really hadn't told anyone other than his best friend Daphne and the therapists the whole story of what had happened and why he was raising his sister on his own. Even though he had only met Brian a few hours earlier, he had a very good feeling about the man and felt like he could trust him. So, what the hell.

Justin started his story at the beginning, telling the older man about his very close relationship with his mom.

"I came out to my mom when I was fourteen. She and I had always had a great relationship and could talk about anything. She was the best person I knew. We didn't tell my father because, even as young as I was, I already knew he was a fag-hating bigot. My mom used to tell me that if she had known how narrow-minded and bigoted his views were, she would never have dated him. They got married because he pressured her into having sex the night of her senior prom and I was the result. Both sets of grandparents got together and decided they had to marry for the sake of the families' reputations. That's how I ended up being a miraculous seven pound ‘premie', born just six and a half months after they got married."

As Justin started to relay the events of his last day in the Taylor home, Brian, hearing the sadness in Justin's voice, held out his hand, silently offering support for what he could feel was going to be an emotional confession. Justin took a deep breath, grasped the hand with a thankful yet sad smile, and continued.

"You know, my father could actually be a very nice person - charming even - as long as things went his way," Justin explained, still surprised that he felt the need to defend the man that had once been his father. "He always provided well for the family. Because of this, my mom didn't have to work and had the time to be involved in the PTA and all the other school related things that Molly and I did. Molly was actually the result of my mother asking my father if she could go back to work when I was getting ready to start high school. He knew that if she had another baby to occupy her time she would drop the idea of working. Whereas my mother saw working as something to occupy her time, he saw it as making it look like he couldn't provide for his family, so he was deadset against it."

"I had applied to several colleges after taking my SAT's in my junior year of high school," the introspective blond continued, his attention focused on the hazy horizon just visible over the lip of the roof's guard railing, as he returned to that time and place in his memory. "My father wanted me to go to Dartmouth because he was an alum. Then, after I graduated, his plan was for me to join him in the family business. Unfortunately, I hated that idea and had secretly - although with my mother's support - applied to both PIFA and Carnegie Mellon's art programs." Justin looked back at Brian then and gave him a real smile. "I'm not a bad artist, you know. Even back then everyone was telling me I had real potential. Even more importantly, I enjoy it. There was no way I'd have been able to force myself to go to business school or work as an office drudge, no matter how much my father wanted it to be true. He just couldn't admit the truth though."

Brian understood about fathers who didn't understand their sons and gave a resigned nod, which Justin apparently took as an invitation to go on.

"My mother and I talked and decided that when I turned eighteen, at the end of my senior year of high school, I would finally tell my father the truth. We never intended to actually lie to him, but we hadn't been exactly honest either. While I'd been a minor, it was just easier not to bring the fact of my sexual orientation to his attention."

Brian absolutely understood that decision, having not come out to his own father until just before Jack kicked the bucket, so he wasn't in any position to criticize Justin.

"Once I was legally an adult, though, it seemed like it was time to come clean," Justin explained, his expression turning more determined and somehow sadder. "By that time I had designed and marketed several kid-friendly video games which had made me quite a bit of money, and I already had a college trust fund that had been set up by my grandparents which would pay for my continued education, so even if he threw me out I would be fine and could still provide for myself while going to school. It seemed like the best possible time to have the conversation I'd been dreading for so long. Although, in hindsight, I guess there was never going to be a good time for THAT discussion."

Justin faltered in his narrative for a moment. Brian squeezed the hand he was still holding, trying to be as supportive as he could even though he wasn't really used to fulfilling that role. Justin sighed and carried on.

"Mom had arranged for Molly to stay at a friend's house that night. She didn't want Molly to be there in case Craig got angry and the discussion got heated. Well, he got angry alright." Justin snorted derisively at the disagreeable memory but didn't pause in his story, seemingly determined to get through it and be done. "I didn't even get around to the part about me not wanting to go to Dartmouth. Once I told him I was gay he gave me fifteen minutes to pack before throwing me out the front door, which wasn't that bad because we'd already sorta planned for that contingency. My mother and I had already talked and decided that, for Molly's sake, if he threw me out I would just go. I went to a friend's house for the night. I figured that I could worry about talking Dad around the next day, after he'd cooled off."

Brian already had a bad feeling about how this story was going to end, but it seemed like Justin needed to tell it, so he didn't try to stop him when the blond hurried on through the rest of his description of that horrible time.

"The next morning I waited until he would have left for work and headed to the house to see my mom and let her know where I would be. I was also going to ask her if I should go to his office to talk to him or wait until he came home. When I got to my block I saw police cars and crime-scene tape surrounding my house. Racing up to the front door, I was stopped by an officer asking who I was. Once I showed him my ID, he led me to a squad car and sat in the back with me, explaining what had happened."

Again, Justin's attention was directed at some far off sight that only he could see, and his voice became almost devoid of emotion as he mechanically detailed the remnants of his story.

"Apparently, after I left, the argument between my father and mother escalated. Craig had begun yelling at my mother, asking how long she had known about my ‘disgusting perversion'. She'd told him that she had known for several years. The neighbors, who had been alerted by the yelling and had come to investigate, heard almost every word of the argument through the windows left open to counter the swelteringly hot evening. They had called the police, but by the time the authorities arrived, Craig had stabbed my mother to death. The police broke in the front door and found him, still kneeling over her, repeatedly stabbing her, even though she was clearly already dead. One officer had taken out his phone and recorded what was happening as two others rushed over to cuff the bastard. Because of the evidence, there was no need for a trial. He plead guilty, although he did try to plead for leniency in the sentencing phase, saying that it was my fault he was in such a rage. The judge didn't buy it. The bastard was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole."

Justin fell silent then, his story finally out there, leaving him feeling somehow lighter, even though it had been difficult to voice. He refocused on Brian's face and easily read the sympathy there. But he was buoyed by the fact that he didn't see any pity in the hazel eyes. Shared sorrow, yes. Empathy, yes. And maybe even a touch of respect. But, thankfully, no pity. Which was so refreshing that it gave Justin the strength to complete the tale.

"As soon as the sentencing was finished I called a family friend who was a lawyer and made sure I could get custody of Molly. We were all we had, and I didn't want us to be separated. We're thirteen years apart but we have always been close." Talking about Molly helped to alleviate the lingering sadness he always felt when thinking about his parents - he loved his sister so much and wanted to try and make it up to her after causing such havoc in her young life. "That was almost five years ago. So now I'm raising her. I'm just hoping that my mom would be proud of how I'm doing, that's all that matters."

By the time Justin finished speaking, even Brian had unshed tears in his eyes. Brian reached out and Justin accepted the embrace, feeling more unburdened now than he had after a year of therapy. Brian just held the blond and stroked his hair, not really knowing what to say, but wanting to offer what comfort he could.

"Well, I'm not much of an expert on the subject," Brian offered when Justin finally pushed away the comforting arms and sat up again, "but from what I've seen so far, I think your mother would be more than proud of how well you're taking care of your sister. She strikes me as a confident, happy young lady." Justin smiled up at him, soaking in the complement. "Besides, Gus likes her, so you know she must be okay," he joked. "Gus is a great judge of character, you know. I mean, he liked me immediately, right?" That earned him a small chuckle from the downcast blond.

"She's been doing amazingly well, all things considered," Justin assured as he wiped at the corner of an eye before any unmanly tears could escape. "I'm amazed at how resilient kids are. We both started counseling right away, but she's come a lot further than me. In my head I know that what happened wasn't my fault, but in my heart I sometimes still feel guilty for leaving my mother alone with the bastard." Brian lifted Justin's chin up with a fingertip, shaking his head to try and let the blond know he shouldn't go down the road of self-punishment. Justin seemed to get the message and changed course. "Anyway, I knew that Molly would have issues with what had happened, even if she's never been told all the grizzly details. She was only five years old at the time she lost both of her parents. It has been really hard on her. But it's mostly better now."

Brian could see Justin's distress and could hear in his voice that the other man was barely holding back his tears but didn't know what to do. He'd never been good with emotions. Not even his own. His usual M.O. was to clamp down hard on any stray feelings as soon as they dared to rise up. It was all about the control. And emotions were inherently messy and unpredictable. So he just didn't do them, if he could at all help it.

Justin, though, seemed like the kind who DID do emotions. Brian was impressed - almost against his will - by how easily the younger man opened up and talked about his horrible past. He found himself drawn into the story and empathizing with the struggles of this fellow queer who'd had a worse time coming out than even Brian had. And by the time they reached the end of the tale, Brian found himself swamped with so many messy emotions he didn't know what to do with them all. He was disgusted by Justin's father's reaction, horrified by the outcome, saddened by the way Molly, and by extension Justin, had been affected, and proud of how these two had managed to overcome it all by sticking together.

No matter how uncomfortable Brian usually was with that kind of sentiment, it didn't seem right to just deny all those feelings. It would be like repudiating all that Justin had struggled through to get to where he was. Brian's usual response of just forgetting about anything messy and emotional wasn't going to work this time. Instead of tamping down on his emotional response, he wanted to do or say something to affirm and support this amazing man who'd overcome so much.  

But he still didn't know what to say.

Brian had always been more about actions than words, though. Words, more often than not, were hollow and couldn't be trusted. Actions were all that mattered. So, while he might not know what to SAY, he instinctively knew what to do.

Brian leaned forward slowly, wanting to kiss those perfect pink lips but giving Justin the chance to decide whether or not he wanted this. In response, Justin smiled and leaned toward the coral lips, reaching around to hold the back of Brian's neck and pulling the other man closer as their lips came together. Both men moaned as the kiss deepened, allowing them to vent their emotions as well as their mounting desire.

The kiss lasted for several minutes, only ending as Justin's phone vibrated before starting to ring.