Chapter 7 - Life of the Mind.

Change is scary shit, you know?  Nobody likes change. We all go about our day to day lives but, even though we might bitch and moan about how much we hate it, we don't really want it to change. Because change is frightening. It's unpredictable. You never know if the changes that might come will be good or bad. And even if it's going to eventually turn out for the best, it might be difficult to get there or hard work to bring about that change, so most people will resist change regardless. It's just plain old human nature to abhor change.

The only time we don't hate change is when we, ourselves, initiate that change. We go on diets, start new exercise regimes, actively seek to increase our education and find better or more fulfilling jobs. We see these types of changes as good. As progress. Because when we're in charge of making the changes happen, we at least feel in control and that mitigates the fear. Humans inherently like to be in charge of things around us, which is why we are constantly trying to make these sorts of positive changes.

But if you're like most people, even these positive efforts to change, more often than not, don't go the way you expect them to go. Maybe the changes you want are too slow to manifest themselves and you give up or they go in a direction you didn't plan for and you have to backtrack and try again. Sometimes you start to make what you think will be a positive change in your life and the course of events you set in motion takes over, moving far faster than you expected. In that case, you may end up in a place you never even dreamed of finding yourself.

Either way, the mere act of opening yourself up to change can be terrifying, even when it takes you somewhere you never knew you wanted to go but always secretly hoped to get to . . .

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

Before things could go any further, Molly rang Justin's phone, letting the men know that Gus was awake.

Brian softly kissed Justin's forehead and said to the blond "We can pick this up later, I hope?"

"I hope so too," Justin replied with a dazzling smile directed at the man who was just then helping him to his feet. "And Brian, thank you . . ."

"Well, I know I'm good, but I don't think I've ever had somebody thank me for kissing them before."

Justin snorted a little laugh and then affectionately swatted Brian's abs."You know what I mean, you big dolt." Brian pretended to double over from the force of the blow. "Seriously, Brian, thank you. Talking to you actually helped. But right now we should go downstairs and get the food started. The kids are probably starving by now," Justin asserted with a soft kiss to Brian's cheek and a proprietary pat on his ass as he walked past, headed towards the stairwell door.

When they got back down to the loft they found the kids already rummaging through the refrigerator. Molly was asking Gus what he meant by ‘pink juice'. Brian chuckled at the ten year old's confusion then reached over her head into the fridge and pulled out the guava juice. Gus was smiling his approval at Brian and already explaining to Molly about his new favorite drink. Brian filled up glasses for both Molly and The Midget, then turned back to the fridge to pull out things for the barbecue. Steaks for himself and Justin. Hotdogs for the Midget and Molly.

"You want salad with the steak?" Brian asked.

"Sure. If you want, I can start working on that while you get the grill going," Justin suggested, smiling happily at the taller man and moving to the sink to wash his hands.

Brian got out all the salad ingredients he had and left Justin to work on that while he went back up to start the grill. He was glad he had just filled the propane tank the week before. While he waited for the grill to heat his mind drifted back over the events of the day.

The typically standoffish and reserved stud was sort of amazed at where he found himself right at that moment. He couldn't believe how fast things were going with Justin. How had he gotten to the point of inviting a stranger to his loft for a fucking barbecue after only meeting him just a few hours earlier? It was one thing for Brian to entice a trick home for a quick fuck, but he never got involved with them beyond the time it took to fuck them and then send them on their way. He never even bothered to learn any of their names. Yet he not only knew Justin's name, he knew the name of the guy's kid sister and practically his entire life history. For some incomprehensible reason, he was also about to cook dinner for the guy. This was definitely a first. But for whatever reason, here he was, having spent the entire day hanging out with a guy - granted he was a gorgeous guy with an ass to kill for - without having even got in Justin's pants yet.

Now that he thought about it, Brian realized he'd been doing a LOT of things he wouldn't normally do lately. Let's face it, Brian Kinney wouldn't normally take in a stray kid in the first place. Ever since he'd first opened the door and seen Gus standing there in the elevator, though, he'd been acting completely out of character. That seemed to be the exact moment his life had veered off its carefully controlled course. There was just something about that kid.

Thoughts of his midget guest brought to mind the little tidbit of info Justin had let slip earlier and the name he'd been unable to remember before.

Lindsey Peterson.

Shit! That name brought back memories. He'd met her their Junior year at the University of Pittsburgh. He remembered the first time he saw her sitting in the front row of the photography class he was taking as one of his electives on the way to getting his marketing degree. She had long, blonde hair pulled back in a sloppy knot at the back of her head. When he'd asked if the seat next to her - the only one still open in the small classroom - was taken, she'd smiled up at him with her light brown eyes and moved her jacket so he could sit. They'd chatted off and on over the semester, eventually pairing up to work on their final project together. That project garnered them the highest grade in the class due to their combined hard work and afterwards they'd gone out for a celebratory drink, becoming pretty good friends. For the rest of the summer and all of their Senior year, they'd hung out regularly and even gone out on semi-official dates a couple of times. By the end of the year, though, Lindsey had settled into a fairly serious relationship with a bull dyke named Melanie which didn't leave her much time for her former friend. After graduation they had gone their separate ways and Brian hadn't heard from her again until that damn Alumni function. He really had no idea what had happened to Lindsey after that but apparently she had somehow ended up in Toronto.

As he put the steaks on the grill, Brian racked his brain, trying to remember the night of the reunion dinner more clearly. It really didn't stand out in his memory other than the fact that he'd been bored out of his gourd for most of the event. That was probably why he'd been drinking a little heavier than usual. By the time he'd stumbled across Lindsey - one of the few attendees he'd recognized - he'd already been more than halfway drunk. After that it got even more hazy. He only vaguely remembered going out after the event to drink more with the blonde but after that it all went blank. Truthfully, he did NOT remember fucking Lindsay that night, but he did remember waking up the next morning naked in her bed, so anything was possible.

If you just went by timing and looks, Gus certainly could be his son. But, if so, why hadn't Lindsay contacted him as soon as she found out she was pregnant? Why had she waited six years, saying nothing, just to drop the kid on his doorstep now? And how could anyone, let alone a mother, just abandon their kid the way Lindsey had? She'd just plunked him into a cab with a complete stranger and sent him off to Brian's loft without even bothering to make sure he arrived safely. That didn't sound like the Lindsey Brian had once known. None of this made any sense.

It especially didn't make sense when you thought about what a great kid Gus was. Brian smiled to himself as he recalled all of the little imp's antics earlier at the zoo. The midget was definitely growing on him. The boy was smart as a whip, learned fast, was personable, outgoing and funny. He was also pretty fucking brave too - he'd dealt with being shipped off to Brian and all the other abrupt changes in his young life remarkably well as far as Brian was concerned. Brian had never thought about being a father, but if he had to pick a kid, he'd want one just like Gus.

That stray thought brought up a whole slew of confusing issues though.

Brian had never considered himself father material. Hell, anyone who'd known Jack and Joan Kinney could understand why. Between the physical abuse from his father and the emotional abuse and outright neglect from his mother, he'd had the worst parenting role models possible. And, while Brian knew that he could never hurt a child the way he had been hurt by his parents, he still didn't think he'd ever be able to overcome that background enough to be a decent parent himself.

Although, in the back of his mind, there had always been that ‘what if' . . .

Lately, Brian's life had started to settle down a bit. He was thirty five, after all, and though he still partied most nights just like he had when he was younger, he wasn't feeling the same drive for the hunt these days. All the rest of his small crew of friends were already happily paired off, leaving Brian to wonder what it was he might be missing by maintaining his lone wolf lifestyle. That, combined with the fact that running Kinnetik - the advertising agency he'd opened a few years back - left him with very little time or energy, made it harder to maintain his Stud of Liberty Avenue title these days. Like he'd said to Carl the day before, he'd been thinking about making some changes to his life for some time now, although he hadn't quite got to the point of figuring out just what changes he wanted to pursue. But, even so, parenting had NOT been one of the options he'd dared to contemplate.

So, was the advent of his possible midget offspring some kind of sign from the cosmos that the end was finally near? If Gus really was his, as unbelievable as that idea might be, was THIS the change he was supposed to make? Was he ready for that? How was he supposed to work this? A kid didn't really fit into his personal philosophy let alone his lifestyle. Then again, if Gus WAS his son and Lindsey wasn't able or willing to raise him, did Brian really have a choice about whether or not he was ready for such a momentous change? And what role, if any, did the introduction of someone like Justin Taylor play in this new life order that seemed to be enveloping Brian?

Before he could come to any conclusion, though, Brian's introspective moment was interrupted by the arrival of the midget in question along with their guests. Gus and Molly were loaded down with bags of chips, a sleeve of hot dog buns, jars of condiments, and fistfuls of silverware, while Justin followed behind carrying a stack of plates topped off by the big bowl of salad. They quickly unloaded their bounty and set everything up on the patio table. With exquisite timing, Brian determined that the steaks and hotdogs were done enough, and called for everyone to bring their plates over.

Justin got the kids settled with their food while Brian closed up the grill and then took his own seat. After dishing out some salad onto both children's plates, the blond rifled through the voluminous pockets on the baggy cargo shorts he was wearing and excavated several beer bottles, a couple of soda cans and even a bottle opener. Brian chuckled at the man's amazing and welcome ingenuity and happily accepted one of the beers. Justin handed one of the soda cans to Molly but then hesitated before giving the second one to Gus.

"I hope you don't mind," Justin turned to Brian. "I had a couple sodas in my bag for Molly and I to drink at the zoo and I thought that the kids could have them with dinner. I probably should have checked with you first, though, to see if was okay for Gus to have one. I could always go back down and get them water instead."

"Pwease, B'ine. Can I please have a soda?" Gus begged, sliding off his chair and coming up to stand next to Brian so he could better bat his big green eyes at him. "Mommy NEVER letted me have sodas, ever. She said they's gots too much sugar and I would bounce off a wall, but I prowmiss not to hurt any of your walls, B'ine. I'll stay in my chair and be real good and I won't bounce or jump or nothin'. Pweeeeeeease?"

Brian was, of course, no match for those big puppy dog eyes. "Go for it, kiddo," he capitulated and was immediately greeted by a cheer from Gus followed by a sideways hug. To cover up his surprise at this spontaneous show of affection, Brian immediately moved on. "So, what do you want on your dog, Midget? Ketchup or mustard or both?"

At first Gus said he didn't want anything on his hotdog. But, as soon as he saw that Molly was slathering her's with the works - ketchup, mustard, mayo, and relish too - Gus changed his mind and wanted the same. Brian asked twice if Gus was sure, but the boy was adamant that he wanted everything Molly had. Brian and Justin exchanged doubtful looks, but in the end they both shrugged and Brian gave in.

Two minutes later, Gus was holding up a hot dog heaped with so many sauces that you could barely see the dog underneath. Which led to a new problem - the dog and it's toppings combined was now far bigger than Gus' mouth. Molly tried to demonstrate how to turn your head sideways so as not to lose any of the condiments while you inserted it into your mouth, but Gus didn't quite seem able to master that technique. Justin and Brian offering nonstop and often opposing advice wasn't helping. Finally, Gus decided to simply go for it and, head erect, opened his mouth as wide as it would go and shoved the whole mess in.

He came away with a mouth full of empty bun and his face smeared with condiments but no meat in the bite. As he tipped the bun forward, trying to examine exactly what had gone wrong, the slippery wiener drenched in too much sauce slithered completely out of the bun, landing on Gus' chest and then skittering down the front of his shirt leaving a gooey trail of glop before it fell with a plop on the decking under the table. Gus continued to stare at his hot dog bun with a confused expression. Justin and Molly couldn't help themselves and broke out into gales of laughter. Brian just groaned, shook his head and silently mourned the ruin of yet another shirt.

"I's sowwy, B'ine," Gus hurried to apologize. "I din mean to make a mess. Pwease don be mad at me. I kin clean it all up real good."

The boy jumped off his chair, dropped to his knees and frantically swiped at the mess on the ground with a paper napkin.

"It's okay, Gus." Brian reached down and tried to stop the child but Gus squirmed away from his hand and continued to try futilely to wipe up the sauce puddles. "Just leave it, Midget . . . Really, it's no big deal. We're outside . . ." Brian protested, to no effect other than causing Gus to hurry his motions even more. "Gus, STOP!" he finally yelled, getting out of his chair and picking the boy up bodily in order to get him to finally give over.

By that point neither Justin nor Molly were laughing. They both looked on with concerned frowns. Brian sat back down in his chair and pulled the shaking little body into his chest. The mess on Gus' face was now exacerbated by the tears cutting tracks down his cheeks.

"Shhhh. It's okay, Midget. It's okay," Brian whispered consolingly as the boy sobbed into Brian's shoulder.

"B-b-but you're gonna be mad at me," Gus wailed. "I's not s-s-s'posed to make a big mess at dinner. ‘Specially with g-g-guests. M-m-mommy s-s-said."

"Oh, kiddo . . . I'm not mad at you. Really," Brian tried to reassure him. "It's not a big deal, Gus. We're outside. The mess will just wash off with the next rain. I promise I'm not angry. Shhh."

It took a few more minutes for Gus to calm all the way down, but eventually, Brian got him quiet and then he placed the boy back on his own chair. Fortuitously, Brian had cooked a couple of extra hot dogs, so Justin was able to help out by preparing a fresh one for Gus. This time, though, he only put on a couple small dabs of ketchup and called it good. Molly did her part by picking the wayward hotdog up off the ground and putting it on a spare plate off to the side. Then they all sat back down and tried to resume their dinner, although they were all a little more quiet than before.

The meal might have ended like that, everyone eating somberly and the conversation subdued, if not for what happened next. Gus picked up his soda to take a drink when he looked up and saw a seagull. As he started to say something, the bird swooped down and grabbed the abandoned hot dog that had been sitting on the nearby plate.

"Did you see dat B'ine?" Gus asked, once again smiling and laughing. "That big bird came and eated da whole thing. He din't even chew it. Just swallowed the whole thing inta his throat."

With that the tension was broken, and Gus and Molly spent the rest of the meal laughing and looking up to the sky to see if there were any more birds coming.

"Maybe we should get done b'fore he sends his friends to eat the rest of our food." Gus announced, causing Brian and Justin to laugh too.

They all agreed with Gus' advice, though, so the party quickly hurried through what was left of the meal then hustled back indoors.

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

After dinner the four of them made quick work of cleaning up. As soon as they were done, a yawning Molly asked her brother when they were going home. Gus had caught the yawning bug and looked just as worn out as Molly. It had been a big day and both kids seemed tuckered out. No wonder Gus had had a meltdown earlier.

"It looks like I'm going to have to take a rain check for that ‘Later' we were talking about, Big Guy," Justin offered, looking almost as disappointed as Brian. Before Brian could object, though, Justin grabbed his bag and retrieved a glossy business card which he held out. "I don't give my number out to guys very often, mostly because I don't like to get my hopes up that somebody will call when they rarely do. But I REALLY hope YOU will call, Brian."

Brian hesitated. It wasn't because he didn't like Justin. But he had a long standing rule that he never went after anyone. Guys pursued him, not the other way around. Brian had never in his life ever called someone and he usually just threw away any cards or numbers he was given without a second thought.

This was different though. He was sincerely upset that Justin was leaving. He'd thoroughly enjoyed spending the day together, even the parts of the day that didn't involve anything sexual. Which was pretty bizarre in and of itself. Not that he hadn't been looking forward to the sexual parts. He had been. A lot. But, strangely enough, he'd even enjoyed the talking parts and was, amazingly, looking forward to more of that almost as much as he was looking forward to getting into the enticing ass that had first drawn him to introduce himself to the blond.  Basically, everything about this day had been different from start to finish. So, maybe taking Justin's card and actually committing to calling him wasn't that big a deal?  What was one more crazy thing in a day like this?

Plus, Brian really did want to get into that perfect little bubble butt at least once.

With a nod, Brian took hold of the hand holding the card, tugging until the man attached thereto had been pulled into his chest, a position allowing him to more easily kiss those delicious bubble gum pink lips. Justin kissed him back just as ardently. When they finally separated, Brian was still holding onto the card.

Justin and Molly quickly gathered together their stuff and with a few lingering goodbyes they were gone.

Brian proceeded to get Gus into his pajamas and then set him up on the couch with a video playing. Then he headed into the bathroom alone and spent the next twenty minutes engaged in some quality time with his soapy right hand and his fantasies of an intriguing young blond with a perfect ass. It wasn't as satisfying as the real thing would have been, but it would have to do for the time being.

Midget minding seemed like it was a very lonely business.