Chapter 9 - Hunger For Life.

Talking about cognitive dissonance, what DOES a person do when one of their strongest held personal tenets proves no longer supportable?

Because, let's face it, nobody's principles remain static over the course of their life. If you live long enough, you WILL change and it's likely your ideals will change too. As children we're taught a simplistic view of right and wrong, good and bad, mostly because children's understanding is simple. But as we age and become more experienced, most of us become moral relativists to some degree. Life isn't really as black and white as we were taught as kids. Life is complicated. What's right in any particular situation is therefore much more complex than we might have originally thought. We become better able to see both sides of any story because, more likely than not, we've personally been on both of those sides. And any person who's at all interested in being honest with oneself, has to acknowledge those conflicting sides. Which is what leads to us, as adults, having to adjust our moralistic positions. Of course, that sometimes leads to other issues when we subsequently have to try and reconcile those conflicting positions.

Take my own situation for example.  

One of my most firmly held beliefs since childhood had always been that I didn't need anyone other than myself to make my life complete. I'd always been inherently independent. I was, by necessity, a very self-reliant child. I was taking care of myself, both physically and even emotionally, before I was even out of grade school. I knew early on that I couldn't rely on my family for anything at all. Over the years that opinion was reinforced by many instances where I'd felt let down by others - teachers, other authority figures, even, on occasion, my friends. I KNEW without a doubt that I was the only one I needed. The only one I could trust.

So imagine my confusion when, completely out of the blue, I found myself experiencing instances where I not only wanted certain other people to remain in my life, but felt that I actually needed them. When I realized that my life, my happiness, depended on having those people around me. That I could no longer be a completely self-contained force. That I felt lost, confused, empty, needy, without those people. That my life had become permanently tied to someone else, in direct contradiction to my long held tenet that said that was a cop out . . .

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

Gus had fallen asleep right in the middle of watching Beauty and the Beast - AGAIN - so Brian covered him with a blanket, picked up his phone, and headed up to the roof. As he went through the door, he made sure that the intercom system he'd providentially installed a few months earlier was on and then switched on the reciprocal unit once he got up to the rooftop garden. That should be sufficient to let him hear Gus if the boy got up. And then, once he was settled on a lounger in the privacy of his garden retreat, he dialed Justin's number.

"Hey, Twat. You happy now?" He responded to the cheery ‘hello' that came through the line when his blond answered.

"Actually, yeah. I am happy. Very happy. I was beginning to wonder if you'd chickened out."

Brian ignored the chickening out comment, because he didn't need Justin to know that he'd actually thought about doing just that. "Well, I would have called earlier but I wanted to get the midget to sleep first."

"You needed him to be asleep before you asked me to dinner?"

Brian could hear a flirty note in the blond's voice and it went straight to his neglected cock. He stretched out on the lounge chair, getting even more comfortable. This call had definite possibilities.

"I was hoping for a longer, more private conversation and didn't want any interruptions," Brian purred with his most seductive baritone drawl.

"Really? What kind of long, private conversation?" Justin asked, heading to his room.

"The kind that starts with me asking what you're wearing," Brian answered as he began to unbutton his shirt.

"Oh, that kind, huh? Well, I just stepped into my room and now I'm locking the door," Justin answered, putting the phone on speaker and setting it down. "I think it's getting kind of hot in here, though, so I'm going to take off my shirt. But I have to be careful it doesn't get caught on my nipple ring."

"You have a nipple ring? Which nipple?" Brian asked, barely able to hold back a moan at the thought.

"My right. Oohh, I just flicked it. I love the way that feels," Justin answered moaning.

"How would it feel if I tugged on it?"

"Like sparks going off."

Brian tried to shift around, his pants were getting very uncomfortable. He finally gave up and just opened them, freeing his swollen cock.

Justin was having a similar problem and decided to ask Brian what to do about it.

"So, Brian, my pants seem to be getting very tight through the crotch. Any suggestions about what I could do about it?"

"Yeah, I'd be happy to help with that. I suggest you pop open the button and slowly lower the zipper," Brian directed with glee. "Let me know when you've done it."

"All done. That feels much better. But now there's a wet spot on my tighty whities." Brian could almost hear the sexy pout his blond was wearing and it made him crazy.

"Then you're just going to have to slip those off too. Do it slowly. Then lay down on your bed," Brian ordered, stroking his cock with long slow motions while he pictured the blond following each step of his directions.

"Now we'll see how well you follow directions. Make sure you have lube there, then relax and do exactly as I say." Hearing Justin moan, Brian admonished, "don't touch your cock until I tell you to." Justin dropped his cock and looked at his phone, checking to see if he'd hit the video button.

"No, I can't see you, Twat. It was obvious from the noises you were making what you were doing," Brian answered the unasked question, thinking it would be good to keep the blond on his toes.

"Now, I want you to pinch your nipples. Make them hard. Lick your finger and run it over your nipples. Pretend it's my tongue." From Justin's moans Brian could tell he was doing as he was asked.

"Cradle your balls in your hand and roll them around . . . without touching your cock."

There was more moaning and Brian realized some of it it was coming from him. He decided he needed to move this along or he would finish before the blond. The sounds coming from that pouty pink mouth were driving Brian nuts.

"Pour some lube in your hand and smooth it along your cock. Do it lightly."

"Ahh . . . Brian, I need . . . I need . . . more," Justin begged.

"Grip your shaft . . . not too tight. Slowly stroke up and down but don't touch the head. Now tighten your grip on the way up and loosen on the way down," Brian instructed, doing the same to himself.

"Mmmmm."

"Are you leaking?" He asked the blond.

"Yes . . . so much. Feels so good. Please, I need more."

"Using your other hand, run your finger over your slit and gather your jizz. Now lick it off your finger," Brian ordered. At hearing Justin keening Brian asked, "Does it taste good?"

"Yes. Oh fuck, Brian. Please. I need to cum," Justin begged again.

"Okay. Since you've been a good boy, you may now squeeze the head on your next stroke, spread your juices down your cock and finish off, but let me hear you," Brian directed, listening to the sounds Justin made as he followed orders.

Hearing Justin getting off made Brian crave the blond even more than he already had. In his mind he could see the man, his skin glistening with beads of sweat, his head thrown back erotically and his hand pumping furiously on his cock. Fuck he wanted that blond. He wanted to be the one touching him. Kissing him. Writhing along beside him as he made those exquisite sounds and moaned out Brian's name. That fantasy was more than hot enough to trigger Brian's own release. They both shot their loads while calling out the other's name.

Once they had calmed their hearts down and could breathe normally, Brian commented, "If that hand job was any indication, we may need a fire extinguisher when we finally get together in the flesh."

Justin simply giggled. It was a sound that Brian usually found annoying in the men he was with, but when Justin did it . . . well, he didn't know what that feeling was, but he sure liked it.

"So, Justin, how about that dinner tomorrow night? I could take you out somewhere and then afterwards we could have that ‘later' you promised me," Brian proposed, not even realizing in the glow of his post-coital happiness, that he'd just asked his blond out on an actual date.

"I need to see if my friend Daphne is free. I'll need someone to watch Molly."

"That's not a problem - I was going to get my friend Emmett to watch Gus. No reason he can't watch Molly too," Brian offered, hoping that Emmett was free, since he hadn't actually asked him yet.

"Are you sure he won't mind?" Justin asked, sounding a little leery of the idea.

"Emmett loves kids. He'll be thrilled. Especially since he's probably going to charge me some exorbitant amount for the privilege. So is that a yes?"

"Yes, as long as your friend Emmett doesn't mind."

"Good boy. Now that we've got that sorted, are you ready for round two?"

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

After they finished another round Brian realized he needed to get to bed. He had another busy day scheduled at work on Wednesday and still hadn't figured out what to do with his midget visitor. When did his life get so complicated?

"As much as I'd like to spend the rest of the night getting off with you, I need to figure out what to do with Gus tomorrow and get some sleep. I have several meetings scheduled and I'm not sure I have enough office supplies left in the building to keep his creativity occupied that long," Brian announced with a sigh.

"Poor, Brian," Justin's teasing tenor soothed Brian's nerves a little bit. "You know, if you're interested in an alternative that'll save your office supplies, you might check out the Gay and Lesbian Center. They have a drop-in daycare/preschool program that I used to take Molly to when she was younger. The folks that run it are great and it's not very expensive. You should stop in there and check it out."

"Hmmm. That's not a bad idea, Twat," Brian praised the suggestion. "If I don't do something, my assistant, Cynthia, will either quit or castrate me, so it's worth at least looking into."

"Well, we definitely don't want her resorting to that second alternative," Justin asserted. "At least not till after our date tomorrow night . . ."

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

Brian pulled the jeep up to the curb in front of the GLC and turned off the engine. He wasn't sure about this plan that Justin had come up with. He trusted the blond's assessment that the preschool class they had here at the Center was safe, and it certainly was convenient, but he was concerned that Gus would feel abandoned yet again if he just off loaded him there for the day. However, Brian really did need to get some serious work done after having won the new client he'd pitched to the day before. And having the Midget molesting his office supplies and breaking more of the office decor all day wasn't going to help. Unfortunately, both Emmett and Debbie were working today, so Brian was out of options. The GLC's drop in preschool program was the least worst alternative.

Gus was bouncing with energy in the back seat. He'd been asking endless questions about the preschool all morning - most of which Brian couldn't answer because he'd only set foot in the Center a handful of times and certainly had never investigated the preschool rooms. Generally speaking, he tried to stay as far from the self-righteous fruits who ran the GLC as possible. But this was one time when he could see the value of a community center of this type. He just hoped nobody would see him going inside. Someone might think he was turning into one of those dickless fags who couldn't get a date on their own. The things he did for his midget . . .

As soon as the kid was unloaded and had donned his backpack containing a change of clothing, a lunch, and Leather Bear, the two of them headed inside. A quick stop at the front desk got them directions to the school room, which was upstairs and down the hall on the left past the gym. With Gus' little hand held tightly in his own, the two of them made their way to the big room at the very back of the building.

The door to the classroom was wide open and you could hear the joyful noises of a passel of kids long before you got to the actual room. A quick peek inside before they went through the doorway showed Brian a colorfully painted room with shelves full of art supplies, toys, games, and books lining almost every wall. The one wall that didn't have shelves was equipped with a row of cabinets, a large, three-part sink, a microwave oven on the counter and a refrigerator in the corner. In the middle of the room were several round tables surrounded by a bevy of those extra-short chairs made specifically to fit little bodies. The tables were arranged in a horseshoe shape around an open area in the middle, delineated by a brightly colored area rug, upon which the children were sitting in a circle as one of the adults in charge read from a large picture book.

While the reader continued with her story, another of the teachers quickly jumped up and came to greet Brian and Gus, leading the pair over to a desk set up in the corner. In whispers, so as not to disturb the rest of the group, they quickly discussed the situation. Troy, the kind yet overly effeminate helper who Brian was dealing with, was thrilled to have Gus join their little group. He suggested Gus take a seat with the assembly on the Reading Rug while Brian filled out the necessary paperwork to get his midget enrolled in the class. Gus bounced over and plopped down next to another boy and was caught up in the story in only seconds.

The forms didn't take very long to complete. Brian was actually amazed that they didn't give him more of a hard time about how he was related to Gus or whether or not he had the legal authority to sign him up for school. He HAD fudged a little and just told Troy that Gus was his son - Brian figured it was simpler that way - and thereafter the teacher had just accepted his word without asking for any proof. The only security question the guy had was who would be allowed to pick the child up other than Brian. It seemed a little lax, but since he wasn't in a position to complain, Brian said nothing and just filled in the forms as best he could. He listed Emmett, Ted, and Deb as people who would be allowed to pick up Gus, and then, almost as an afterthought, added Justin's name as well.

The reading group broke up just as Brian was finishing the last of the paperwork. The other teacher announced that they were all going to do an art project next and directed the kids to the tables where piles of construction paper, scissors, glue, beads and feathers were already set out. There was a huge cheer from all the tykes as they scrambled to find seats. Gus, who'd already seemingly made friends with an adorable little Asian girl in pig-tails, was already following her to one of the tables when Brian came over and halted him with a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Hang on there a sec, Midget," Brian said, hunkering down on one knee so he was on the kid's level while he spoke. "So, I've got you all signed up here for the day. Do you think you'll be okay? I know you don't know anybody here or anything, but they don't seem too bad to me . . ."

"I's okay, B'ine. Keiko said we're gonna makes crefs and then have snacks and go pway on the pwayground and then we gets to do games and stuffs. It's gonna be so fun!" Gus enthused, looking over to his new best friend who was already up to her elbows in glue and feathers.

"That sounds like a lot of fun, but I just want to make sure you're going to be comfortable here all on your own," Brian cautioned, still feeling unsure about leaving Gus in this unknown setting when it felt like it had all happened so fast. "If you're scared or you don't want to stay, we can make other arrangements. You can come with me to the office again or maybe Debbie can take off early from work today and look after you . . ." Brian was racking his brain to come up with other alternatives to leaving Gus here alone all day, but there really weren't a lot of options.

"C'mon, Gus," hollered the pig-tailed girl, rattling a jar of rainbow hued beads to get her new friend's attention. "Come make pitchers wif us!"

"Kin I, B'ine. Pwease?" Gus pleaded, his head darting back and forth from Brian to Keiko anxiously.

"I don't know, Kiddo," Brian hesitated, looking around the room one more time at all the unknown faces while Troy hovered nearby with an amused look at what he assumed was just another doting parent reluctant to leave his child.

"B'ine," Gus took a deep breath and then turned to his wanna-be protector, crossing his arms and looking at Brian with the perfect Kinney-esque resolve. "You gotsta go now. You needta do work stuffs, and talk with the boring man, and do growed up things." Apparently Brian must not have looked convinced by this argument because Gus wrinkled up his little nose, tilted his head to the side and gave Brian a long, appraising look. Then he trotted over to his backpack, took out Leather Bear and brought the toy back over to Brian. "Here, B'ine. You should take my bear wif you so's you don't be lonely all day widout me." He shoved the plushie into Brian's surprised hands. "Now, you's gonna be fine, B'ine. But if you don' let me go, I won't getta do crefs. So, just go alreddy, kay?"

When Brian still looked hesitant, the little dynamo lost his patience, grabbed hold of Brian's hand and literally towed the big man over to the schoolroom door, finishing him off by shoving him out the portal with a push to the big guy's rear end.

"Bye, B'ine! Be good at working today!"

Then Gus skittered off to join Keiko at the art project table, not even looking back at Brian once.

Brian watched Gus go with a high degree of diffidence. He was relieved that the kid wasn't doing the separation anxiety thing. He knew he'd be terrible at dealing with a scared and crying child who didn't want to be left someplace new. In contrast, the midget seemed thrilled to join in on the fun with the rest of the class. But, then, why did Brian still feel so unsettled and hesitant to leave?

"He'll be just fine, Dad," Troy offered with a condescending smile. "Most of the kids are better at the first day thing than the parents. We keep them so busy they don't have time to miss you. Trust me. You have nothing to worry about. We have your number in case Gus needs you."

Brian simply shot the annoying, patronizing man a dirty look, before turning on his heel, Leather Bear in one hand, and marching out of the Center.

.:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:. .:G:.

"Brian . . . Hey, Brian! Put down the phone, Brian," Cynthia commanded when her boss' attention drifted for the tenth time in the course of their meeting.

"Sorry, Cyn. I was just thinking, maybe I should call and check up on the Midget."

"He's only been there an hour and a half, Bri," Ted scoffed. "How much trouble can a five year old get into in less than two hours?"

"That's not it, Theodore," Brian argued. "It's just that he doesn't know anybody there and I don't want him to be scared or feel like I just abandoned him again after what his mom did . . ."

"I'm sure Gus is fine, Brian. The Center would call you if there was a problem. You're worrying over nothing," Cynthia tried to be understanding.

Ted was amused, more than anything. He'd never seen Brian acting like this. This kid sure had wormed his way into Brian's steely heart in record time. Protective Daddy Brian was definitely a hoot, though.

"I just have this feeling that . . ." Brian persisted, going so far as to pick up the phone and start to tap at the buttons.

"Put the phone down, Brian!" both Ted and Cynthia demanded in unison.

"Fine." Brian obeyed, laying the phone back on the desk and looking at his co-workers sheepishly. "So, where were we again?"

"The numbers on the Jasmine Tea account," Ted explained, leafing back a few pages in the printouts he'd already gone over. "So, I think we'll be okay on the production costs, provided that we can get Saunders to give us a break on the rental fees, but we might go over a bit with the . . ."

Brian's cell phone began to vibrate, the sound amplified by the rattle of the device against the glass-top of the desk. Brian grabbed the phone and looked at the display, a happy little smile breaking out on his face at whatever he discovered there. Ted and Cynthia looked at each other and both shrugged. It didn't look like they'd be getting through the Tea account figures this morning after all. While Brian tapped at the icon to accept the mystery call, his co-workers gathered up their stuff and quietly left the office.

"Hey, Twat," Brian answered the call, glad not only for the distraction but also just happy to talk to his blond boy.

"Hey, Brian. Sorry to call in the middle of the day. I hope I'm not interrupting anything." Justin's smooth, low tenor was enough in and of itself to cause a happy stirring in Brian's pants.

"I needed a good interruption." Justin's giggle added to Brian's pants problem, but he didn't care.

"Well, then I'm glad I called. I can't talk for long though. I've got a commission I'm working on with a deadline, but while I was waiting for the last section I painted to dry, I just wanted to check and make sure your friend Emmett is okay with watching Molly tonight. If not, I can probably still get Daphne to step in, but I need to call her soon, if that's that's the case."

Brian mentally cursed himself for having forgotten to call Emmett the night before. "No need. Em will be happy to have Molly," Brian lied, quickly turning to the computer and typing out a quick DM to Ted to call Emmett and coerce him into babysitting for Gus and Molly that evening . . . or else. "Having Molly for the night will give him an excuse to do something girly - not that Emmett needs an excuse for that kind of thing, usually."

"Okay . . . Well, then, if that's all set, I better let you go so I can finish my work and start getting ready for our date."

"It's not a date. I don't do dates. It's just dinner and then maybe something special for dessert," Brian countered.

"Yeah, right. Whatever you have to tell yourself, Big Guy," Justin giggled again, causing Brian to smile against his will. "By the way, I'm really looking forward to dessert . . . Later."

"Later."

Brian ended the call, put his phone back on the desktop and then sat smiling at it for about the next five minutes. He was looking forward to dessert himself. A dessert topped off with a luscious, tasty, blond boy with the most delicious looking ass he'd ever seen. And, shit, was he hungry.