JUSTIN

I had everything packed, and hated that my life here could fit into one duffle bag. I didn’t call and tell Brian that it was over, having no way to reach him and because it would hurt to hear his voice. I was tired of his secrets and the way he acted as if any questions about his life outside of us, were forbidden. I didn’t need to be constantly reminded that he didn’t owe me any explanations or that the door was open if I didn’t accept just the parts of him that he was willing to share with me.

I should have walked away after our first night together, but I kept waiting for him to see me as more than the person he called to meet him at hotels when he in New York on business. It was like he was ashamed of me, even when he would say he didn’t want to ruin what we had together. I told him after six months of feeling like a booty call, to lose my number. I really expected him to walk away, because he told me he didn’t do ultimatums. He came after me as I got in a cab to go to the airport and offered to buy a place so I’d know it wasn’t a booty call for him. I caved because I already loved him.

I still had my own life and he had his, but we met at the apartment in New York, not a hotel. Every time we argued, he would try to stop me from storming out by telling me he was giving me more than he gave other people, and the things he wouldn’t tell me were things that didn’t affect us. He even used the fact that he never asked about my life outside of him and felt that I should respect him the way he was respecting me. It was bullshit, but I loved him and continued to wait for the day he was ready to open up to me. Only, his lack of communication ended up allowing me to finally call an end to the farce I was living with him.

The last straw was when my friend Lee was reading a magazine and showed me a picture of my boyfriend, with his arm around another guy at a gay pride parade in Pittsburgh. It blew me away because Brian never mentioned Pittsburgh once in all the time we were together. I tried to believe they were just friends hanging out, because Brian wasn’t acting the way he does when we were together, it was the picture on the next page where my life with him was no longer an option. Brian was sitting on some steps holding a baby, with the other guy sitting behind him, arms around Brian, looking at the baby with his head on Brian’s shoulder. Even arguing with myself that he could explain it didn't work, because he never would. It buried all hope when there were pictures of them dancing with their heads together and I hated feeling like the other man.

Lee told me as a friend, he didn’t like the way I took off as if Brian controlled me. All Lee knew about Brian was that I took off when he called, leaving anything to be with Brian. When I told Lee who it was in the picture with another man, he asked when I became someone who would let a guy shit on me. I didn’t understand anything about the way Brian wanted our lives, but like a lovesick fool, I didn’t ask or demand anything that would have him acting like I was wrong when I questioned anything. It was how we started, as a week long tryst, no questions, just fun, and somewhere along the way it’s how we continued.

We met while I was taking a vacation with friends in Jamaica. He’d been sitting at a table, drinking alone, when I drunkenly fell on him. We spent the rest of the vacation only leaving his room to eat. Then on the last day, he asked for my number, just before I was about to leave for the airport, not my address or where I was from. It should have made me realize then he wasn’t interested in anything but what we did in bed. In fairness, when he didn’t answer about anything personal, I paid him back by not answering him when he would ask. It was childish, but I didn’t want to feel like he was the only one who had the barbwire fence around anything personal.

I left the key in the middle of the bed that he left two weeks ago when I slipped and said I loved him. His answer was to get dressed and walk out, leaving the phone I called him on in the apartment, to make a point that I screwed up with him. I waited, thinking he would contact me, but I saw the family he left to fuck me, and I wasn’t going to be that guy. It was time to go back home and find someone who didn’t throw us away because I dared to love him.

BRIAN

Everyone was around Deb’s table, Michael sitting as close to me as possible. I hated that I wanted to shove him away, but I couldn’t do it to Michael. As far as Deb was concerned, it was my fault Michael got hurt in the car accident we had when he was driving me home after a long night of drinking. Michael came to my defense, telling everyone it was an accident. I felt like I once again owed him for defending me, when everyone blamed me for him being in the car.

I stopped drinking that night and spent all my time helping Michael to recover. It took three years for him to walk again and sometimes I hated that I thought he dragged it out to keep me attentive. It was only when I left town that Michael made me feel that way. He would start getting depressed and fight his therapist. Which would have Deb all over me about being there for my best friend. I didn’t want to be here, but I needed space, because Justin said he loved me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to. I had waited two years for him to say it, but Deb called and screamed at me that Michael tried to overdose when I didn’t answer him. So when Justin said it, I couldn't do what I wanted because Mikey needed me. I left, hating the look on Justin’s face. The one that I know I put there by closing him out. I couldn’t stay to watch him pack again, not even knowing where he'd be, because he hid as much about his life as I did about mine. At first I was relieved he stopped asking, but then I realized by using my not asking him about his life as why he shouldn't ask me, meant if he left for good, then I had lost him. I wanted to call him but I didn’t need him to ever see what being around me did to people.

He was my salvation from the prison my life here had become.

“Brian, are you even listening!?” Michael screeches.

“Sorry, I’ve been up all day trying to keep the account I left hanging to come back here.” I tell him, having to stop the sarcasm from coming out.

“Is Jacobson balking at signing?” Ted asks.

“He wasn’t thrilled when I told him I had to cancel to come home.” I tell Ted.

“You should have told him I needed you.” Michael tells me, laying his head on my arm.

Mel got up, asking me for a cigarette and then saying she didn’t want to smoke alone. I followed her, not caring that she and I never spent time together for any reason. She lit up and we stood in the back together not saying anything for a couple minutes.

“Brian, how long are you going to let Michael do this to you?” She asks.

“He needs me right now.” I tell her.

“He has Deb to coddle him. He wants you to keep feeling guilty; if you don’t see that then somewhere along the way you lost that bullshit filter that served you well in life.” She tells me.

“I might have lost more this time.” I whisper, staring at the stark landscape in front of us.

“Only if you keep letting Michael pull you back. I know we were all assholes to blame you when the accident was the other driver’s fault, but we were all scared that Michael wouldn’t make it. I can’t be a good mother to our son by not telling the great father he has that it’s time to stop letting Michael guilt you. Gus needs to see the man I know.” She tells me.

“When did you decided I was a great father?” I ask, to tease her.

“The day you showed up and said yes to Lindsay. I know we fight, but it doesn’t change what you do for Gus. Lindsay is starting to worry you’ll give up your whole life for Michael.” She tells me.

“It might be too late.” I tell her.

“For what?” She asks.

“I left New York and most likely gave Justin a reason to finally leave for good. He’s dealt with two years of me shutting him down if he asked anything about my life, and then walking out when he said he loved me. Not contacting him since I got back might have broken us.” I tell her.

“Wait, you’ve been living with someone for two years?” She asks.

“No. Yes. Shit. I have an apartment where we stay when we meet up there. He said something, and instead of acknowledging it, I walked out to save Michael again.” I tell her.

“Why?” She asks.

“Because Deb calls and I answer.” I tell her.

“Do you love this guy? Don’t think, just answer.” She tells me.

“Yes, but he might not believe I do.” I tell her.

“Then find him and convince him you do, you told me the same thing when Lindsay and I were having problems when we first met. Both of us want you as happy as we are.” She tells me.

“I need to go.” I tell her.

“Use the gate, and don’t answer when they start calling. If it’s important, Lindsay or I will call you.” She tells me.

I didn’t get a flight, but drove, because I needed to break down the barrier Justin was no longer even trying to chip away at. I got to the apartment the next morning, only turning my phone on when I pulled in and parked. Unlocking the door, I already knew he didn’t stay. I also knew he left for good when I saw his phone and key on the bed. The closet was open with only my stuff still in there and the bed was still unmade like he got up and disappeared. All I could think in that moment was checkmate, Michael finally got what he wanted, me alone.