Brian is different after the bashing, and Justin knows why – it’s in Brian’s eyes, his voice, even the way he moves. He feels guilty. He thinks it was his fault. If he hadn’t come to Justin’s prom, Hobbs wouldn’t have . . . what? . . . turned into a psychopathic killer? Justin wants to comfort him. No one can transform someone innately benign into a murderer, especially not with a three-minute dance. Justin would tell Brian he’s innocent, but it wouldn’t matter. Brian wouldn’t believe him. He will never fully escape that parking garage with its cold cement floor.



Brian wore a bloody scarf for months. Justin still can’t believe it. Who does that? Certainly not someone who isn’t scared. “You should’ve seen Brian,” Justin overhears Michael tell Ted and Emmett at the diner one day. “There was blood all over him, and he couldn’t speak. I tried to ask him questions, but he didn’t even look at me. I would’ve thought he didn’t even realize I was there except he wouldn’t let go of my hand when I needed to go to the bathroom. I practically had to feed him. So, stop thinking he didn’t give a shit.”



Brian has nightmares that wake Justin up. Justin doesn’t know what to do. Should he try to comfort Brian like Brian comforts him when he has nightmares? He honestly doesn’t know. Brian refuses to talk about the bashing. Now that Justin’s memory has returned and he’s able to have sex and tolerate crowds, Brian is determined to pretend like nothing happened. It’s hard because Justin wants to talk about it. He needs to. Brian, however, withdraws into the baths or a bottle of beam. But Justin knows that it’s not because Brian doesn’t care. It’s because he cares too much.



Brian doesn’t say anything if Justin yells “fuck!” when his hand fails him. He just walks over and sits down, taking Justin’s hand in his and massaging it gently but firmly. It feels good, but it doesn’t really make a difference. Justin’s hand doesn’t cramp, it just stops working. He doesn’t tell Brian though. Brian needs to feel like he can help, like there’s something he can do. Justin doesn’t want to take that away from him, just like Brian pretends he doesn’t know that Justin kept the scarf. Justin knows it’s not blindness, it’s about helping each other heal.



Justin hates Hobbs with every fiber of his being. Not only had Hobbs nearly killed him and ruined his future as an artist, Hobbs damaged the man Justin loves. Brian’s eyes don’t seem as bright and fearless as they used to. His smile is less quick and sure. Hobbs stole Brian’s belief that he can protect the people he cares about. To the extent Brian had ever believed in justice, Hobbs had destroyed that belief and rendered it an illusion, nothing but another fool’s dream. How can Justin teach Brian to trust in love when love had broken Brian’s heart?



Brian doesn’t go out. Instead, he stays in playing Scrabble with Justin. Not only does the intellectual stimulation help keep Justin’s mind off the bashing, setting out the letters to make a word is good physical therapy. Brian says nothing when Justin drops a piece, nor does he take over and spell the word himself. He lets Justin do it and waits patiently until Justin accomplishes the task by himself. The same is true of chopping vegetables. Justin knows his mom wouldn’t have let him do it out of fear he’d cut a finger. Brian doesn’t even mention the possibility.



Sometimes it’s a good thing that Michael can’t keep a secret to save his life. When he overhears Justin and his mom talking about Hobbs’s slap on the wrist, Michael tells them that it was Brian who’d glued the judge’s ass to the toilet seat. Deb shrieks with laughter and says “that Brian Kinney.” Justin can only stand there with his mouth open. If the wrong person found out, Brian could spend years in prison! That night he gives Brian the best blowjob he possibly can, making it last until his jaw starts to ache and his throat gets sore.



Brian buys a computer. Justin is offended. Artists don’t use computers; they use their hands. Justin doesn’t need Brian to remind him that he’s handicapped. Why does Brian think he’d dropped out of school? Because he actually has a future as an artist? Is Brian being patronizing? It wouldn’t be the first time. But then one night Justin sees him wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, lying on his bed in the timeless pose of a classic nude, peeling the greenest apple Justin has ever seen. Who cares if he needs a computer when he has a muse.



“C’mon, hurry up,” Brian says. Where are they going? The grocery store. Justin loves that Brian never goes food shopping without him anymore. He makes a list of everything he’ll need to make dinners for the coming week. “What the fuck is ‘fennel’?” Brian asks and then doesn’t wait for Justin’s explanation. He buys Justin whatever he wants – from the most expensive spices to organic tomatoes. Justin knows Brian’s generosity isn’t due solely to his love of Justin’s cooking; he just likes giving Justin what he wants. It makes him happy when Justin gets excited about radicchio and stinky cheese.



Justin is making out with a guy who would be hot except he’s not Brian, but what choice does he have? He’d left Brian. Anyone with a modicum of pride would’ve done the same. Brian was only letting Justin live with him because he felt guilty. Who wants to be a fucking charity case? Suddenly, Justin feels a presence. Without having to look he knows who it is. His pulse spikes with happiness, but he still feigns anger when Brian shoos away his trick. Brian wants him back. He uncomplainingly makes promises he never in a million years would’ve made before.



Brian fucks a trick the same night Justin kisses a virgin. Only one of them broke a Rule. Justin can tell Brian knows. When Brian says “you kissed him,” Justin doesn’t reply. He just gets up and goes to the bathroom. Brian watches him leave; Justin can sense his gaze. What has he done? They’d made their agreement less than two weeks ago! Maybe he hadn’t been the only one to fuck up; maybe Brian had kissed his trick too. But in his heart-of-hearts, Justin knows that Brian kept his promise and that no matter what happens, he always will.



Brian used to nuzzle, but now he also twirls Justin’s hair. Justin’s not sure if Brian even realizes it, which makes it even sweeter. Justin likes to think Brian acts on instinct now and not just intention. The evidence suggests he’s right. Brian reaches for Justin’s hand when he laughs and smiles sappily at him when he’s drunk. Justin sometimes catches Ted and Emmett winking at each other as though they have some kind of ongoing bet. “Don’t hurt him,” Michael says one night at Woody’s when Brian goes to the bathroom. Justin is surprised. He hadn’t thought he could.



Every Friday night is “date night” but instead of going to a fancy restaurant and a movie, Brian and Justin go to the baths. Brian lets Justin pick first and grouses merely perfunctorily when Justin chooses the guy Brian clearly would’ve chosen for himself. Their tricks go down on them while they make-out, and sometimes they fuck but only side-by-side. One night they fuck twins; the next they fuck a parishioner and his priest. Afterward, they go to the diner and pig out on burgers and French fries. Sometimes they even share a sundae and argue over who gets the cherry.



It is infuriating! Brian won’t have sex without a condom! Every three months, they know at the same time that they’re both negative. It would be perfectly safe! Justin wants it more than anything. He fantasizes about it nonstop, the idea of Brian coming inside him. He imagines Brian’s face, his expressions reflecting the new sensation of skin against skin. Nothing between them. Nothing keeping them apart. But Brian won’t do it. “I want you safe,” he says. “I want you around for a long time.” After it’s far too late, Justin realizes what Brian had meant by those words.



Everyone goes to Lindsay and Mel’s for a “party.” Lindsay’s stuck-up parents are going to come by for some punch and polite chatter. Brian goes straight to the kitchen, but Justin feels obligated to mingle. Suddenly, he feels arms encircle his chest. “Come upstairs with me,” Brian whispers in his ear. “I want to suck your cock.” They lock themselves in the bathroom. When Brian goes down on him, Justin combs his fingers through his hair and watches Brian blow him. After he comes, he tries to return the favor, but Brian stops him. “That was for you,” he says.



They’re going to Miami! Justin is beyond happy! Later, when he tells Brian he’s staying in Pittsburgh for the wedding, he expects Brian to get mad. He doesn’t. Instead, he seems pleased. At first, Justin thinks it’s because Brian didn’t actually want him to go, but then he realizes the truth. Brian is proud of him for standing up for himself and doing what he wants. Justin suspects Brian also feels that rejecting him is a sign of strength, a sign of character. It makes Justin sad to realize Brian respects people for not wanting to be with him.



Brian doesn’t like Justin’s shirts and gives him money to buy new ones. Justin is offended. Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with his clothes, and second, he makes his own money. He doesn’t need Brian’s help. Brian rolls his eyes. “Yes, you have enough money to shop at The Gap,” he says. “But not at Nordstrom.” He drops Justin and Daphne off at Ross Park Mall and gives Justin $600. Solely on principle, Justin spends all of it at Old Navy. Brian is appalled, but then he realizes that everything Justin bought is a size too small. That makes everything alright.



Brian doesn’t give Justin a heads-up that he wants to make Monday night’s dinners; he just starts doing it. He’s a terrible cook, but of course, Justin pretends otherwise. The fact that Brian is cooking on Monday nights is a Big Deal; it means he comes home from work early enough to have dinner finished by six (no carbs after seven!) and doesn’t go out. He makes an ungodly mess that Justin has to clean up, but he sets the table and loads the dishwasher. Just like Justin does, Brian also lights a candle and opens a bottle of wine.



They often hold hands when they’re out walking around even though Justin has no trouble with crowds anymore. Occasionally (very occasionally) when Linds and Mel allow Brian to babysit Gus, they take him in his stroller to the nearby park. At first, Brian had asked Justin to do it by himself, but then one day, for no apparent reason, Brian accompanied him. After that, it was just assumed he’d come along every time. Granted, he silently balked at pushing the stroller, but Justin didn’t mind. It’s enough that Brian wants to be with him. It feels like a family outing.



Justin is a “flaky socialist,” and Brian is a “bullying capitalist.” Justin quotes Marx, and Brian quotes Ayn Rand.” Justin supports affirmative action. Brian calls it “tipping the playing field.” Sometimes they argue politics way into the night. Often the debate gets heated, and they yell at each other, but the resulting sex is more than worth it. Brian rims him and then takes him roughly, grunting each time he thrusts while Justin clenches his fists in the sheets. After they come, they collapse on the mattress, utterly spent and unable to remember whatever it was they’d been fighting about.



Justin’s dad is an asshole! He says he’ll no longer pay Justin’s tuition. Brian insists he’ll do it. Justin is not happy with the idea. He already owes Brian too much as it is. He loves Brian, but he doesn’t want to be beholden to him. Their relationship is unequal as it is. Brian says Justin is being stupid, which only makes Justin dig his heels in deeper, but then he’s hired to “work” at the Sap’s party and ends up kicking the Sap in the face. Needless to say, he loses his job as a go-go dancer at Babylon.



He’s going to fuck Brian. Period. End of discussion. If he’s going to accept Brian’s loan then he needs something in exchange, something to restore his manhood. Fucking Brian would help to balance the scale of power between them. He expects Brian to refuse, and sure enough, Brian resists – but only for a moment. Justin senses that Brian knows why Justin needs this so much. Justin takes the condom from him and rolls Brian onto his stomach. Penetration isn’t easy – Brian is clenching his ass, but then, suddenly, he relaxes. Justin pushes inside him all the way and starts thrusting.



Is it Justin’s imagination or is Brian being slightly clingy? They go to the diner the morning after Justin fucked him, and Brian initiates a silverware battle while they’re waiting for their breakfasts. Later Brian decides not to go to the office like he’d planned and instead they spend all day at the mall. They even eat lunch at the food court! Greasy pizza slices and giant Cokes. That night they meet the boys at Woody’s. Every time Brian waits his turn at the pool table, he moves to stand behind Justin, puts his arms around him and kisses his cheek.



Brian is going to throw a launch party for Justin and Michael’s comic! He’s going to pull out all of the stops. Print and internet ads, radio spots, targeted mailings. He’s even going to rent Babylon and have costumes for the dancers! The party will cost thousands! Justin knows part of Brian’s efforts are due to his weird clinginess whose origin Justin still can’t pinpoint, but whatever the impetus, Brian will use his formidable advertising expertise to create a launch party grander than anything a publisher would do. Justin is grateful, but it underscores an ongoing problem between them: money.



Brian is being really weird. At first, he was being clingy, but now he’s being aloof. Is it still about Justin having fucked him? He has also stopped making dinners on Monday nights and instead is going to Babylon. He makes up for it, though, when he claims he’ll take Justin snowboarding in Vermont for a week. When he bails, Justin is angrier than he’s been since the bashing, even angrier than he was at his dad. Fuck him! Justin goes to Vermont anyway. Hell, Brian had already paid for everything. Why let a spring break vacation go to waste?



Justin’s birthday sucked. Brian doesn’t do anything: birthdays aren’t worth celebrating, but then he gets Justin a hustler. Who gets their boyfriend a hustler for their birthday and then leaves so he can “have his way with him undisturbed”? Okay, so maybe Brian had gone out of his way to find a guy Justin would find hot, but still! No matter how much time and money Brian had spent, Justin couldn’t think of a less romantic gift. How appropriate Justin meets someone who is romantic. Maybe he can use Ethan as leverage to get Brian to act like a boyfriend.



Ethan is amazing. Justin can’t help it. He’s falling love. He doesn’t want to, but he is, and, frankly, it’s Brian’s fault. If Brian behaved like they were partners and not just fuck buddies, Justin would stop seeing Ethan. Like that’ll happen though! Justin goes out of his way to make them a picnic on the floor like he and Ethan had, but all Brian does is spout his bullshit about “no carbs after seven” and goes to Babylon despite Justin’s pleas. Those aren’t the actions of a man in love. Who cares that Brian wants to go bowling with him.



Brian grabs his jacket and storms out the door. Brian knows. It’s the only explanation for the humiliation he’d inflicted. Justin might even consider Brian’s actions a near-rape except his protestations had become pleas. Brian had reignited a fire inside him – a fire that had started to dwindle. God, Justin had wanted him so badly! Brian had stripped him and forced him to the floor, kissing him with the kind of hunger that Justin knew Ethan would never have. But then Brian had stopped. His heart was starting to break. Justin would have to be blind not to see that.



Justin gets into bed when Brian lifts the quilt. Had he just chosen Brian? Brian seems to think so. He’s asleep, apparently confident that Ethan had lost the game of tug o’ war over Justin. But had Ethan really lost? Brian had refused to say “I love you.” Three simple words that could potentially have mopped up the whole fucking mess. But no. He’d rather let Justin walk out the door. What is he thinking? That freedom to leave is some kind of gift of love? If he does, then Justin doesn’t want it. He wants what Ethan is offering.



Justin can’t believe it. Brian had said he was looking for him and then Justin finds him in the backroom fucking “Rage”? A hopeful flame hisses cold in Justin’s heart. He goes back upstairs, and that’s when he sees him. Ethan. He’s come all this way to a place he hates out of love for Justin? It’s hands-down The Most Romantic Thing anyone has ever done for him. Brian didn’t even know what “romance” is. They kiss and Ethan takes his hand, and that’s when he sees Brian. He looks stunned and shattered. But it’s too late. Justin leaves anyway.