Brian doesn’t say hello to Justin at the diner. He doesn’t even look at him. Justin is surprised. He has a bet with Daphne that Brian would be positively chummy just to show how unaffected he is by Justin’s departure from his life. But he isn’t chummy. All he does is read the paper. He’s always done crossword puzzles, but now he reads the paper front to back as though he actually cares what’s going on or whose team beat whose. The boys remark on how boring he is. Brian doesn’t try to defend himself; he just turns the page.



I hope you find what you’re looking for. Justin pauses. Is Brian being an asshole? After all, he’d barged into the bathroom, whipped out his dick, and then lectured Justin about not washing his hands. Justin searches his face for a hint of mockery. There is none. On the way down the stairs, Justin tries to decide if he’s hurt; after all, Brian had been what he’d been looking for until he, well. . . until he wasn’t. If only Brian had fucking said, “I love you!” I hope you find what you’re looking for. Then again, maybe he just had.



Justin stops using his credit card. Brian emails. You haven’t used your card. How are you buying your allergy meds? Justin emails back. With my salary, of course. Brian sends another email. How do you pay for art supplies, food and your half of the rent and bills after you’ve spent all your money on meds? Justin doesn’t reply. The truth is he hasn’t been buying his meds. He can’t afford to. Then he starts having allergy attacks. He’s allergic to Wolfie. One night, after his shift ends, he puts on his coat and finds pill bottles in his pocket.



Justin’s working the late shift. There’s a group in the corner laughing loudly. Deb nudges him. “That guy, the blond, he could be your long-lost brother,” she says. “It’s freaky.” He’s curious. When a nearby booth empties, he goes over to clean the table. Sure enough, the blond guy looks exactly like him. But for the guy’s leather pants, they could pass for twins. But then when the guy speaks, the similarity shatters – and so does Justin’s heart. “Guys,” he says. “You have no idea who paid to fuck me a couple nights ago. His Majesty himself. Brian fucking Kinney.”



Ethan’s pissed. Justin comes home to find him practically sawing his violin in half, he’s playing it so angrily. “Hey!” Justin shouts. “What’s going on?” “What’s going on?” Ethan shouts back. “I’ll tell you what’s going on. Your ex, that’s what.” “Brian?” Justin says. “What did Brian do?” Ethan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hundred dollar bill. “Here, look what he threw in my case.” He hands Justin the bill. On it, written in red ink, are the words Hurt him and you’ll wish like I do, that you’d never met him in the first place.



“Do you want to know why he punched me?” Michael shouts. They’re having an “artistic disagreement” that had turned personal. “I’ll tell you. He punched me because I insulted you. That’s right. Brian punched me, his best friend, because of you.” Michael is furious, his eyes blazing. Justin can only stare at him. “So don’t tell me he never loved you,” Michael continues. “And don’t tell me that he doesn’t still.” Justin is in shock. He’d just assumed Brian was being a dick. He’d even agreed with the whole “monster” thing. How could he still? Brian could have lost everyone.



Brian leaves enormous tips. Justin hates to admit it, but he couldn’t pay his expenses and work only part time without them. Working more isn’t an option. Between his job and his classes, he barely has time to do his homework. Brian is paying his tuition. The thought of getting less than a 4.0 is shudder-inducing. He needs Brian to be proud of him. They might not be together anymore, but Justin still wants his approval. Every time he gets an A, he makes sure Deb knows about it. The news is sure to find its way to Brian’s ears.



Brian’s agency employs a lot of talented graphic artists who would no doubt love to design the poster for the Gay and Lesbian Center’s fundraising party, and they’d probably do it for free just to get points with their demanding boss. But Brian doesn’t ask any of them; he asks Justin. He even insists that Justin request payment and then only pretends to haggle. Five hundred dollars will pay for a month’s expenses. When Justin comes to the loft, the sexual tension is thick in the air It’s a good thing Michael comes along with his bags of take-out food.



Justin catches Brian watching him – not staring, of course, but now and then he catches a flick of a gaze. He also catches Brian shifting in his seat to hide an erection. Justin’s confidence soars. Brian still wants him! Then he feels guilty. The only guy he should be concerned with is Ethan . . . wait, did Brian just glance at him? “He’s at it again,” Kiki whispers in his ear.” “What are you talking about?” Justin asks. “Fucking you with his eyes, of course. Haven’t you noticed?” Justin blushes. Brian is no longer the only one with an erection.



Justin pauses before he turns to walk reluctantly down the stairs. Brian left the door open. It means only one thing. Brian is giving him the option to stay. Justin watches him, his movements languid, a man in his prime, a man who knows how to play Justin’s body as skillfully as Ethan plays his violin. It would be so easy to follow him, to let Brian take him. To let Brian have his way with his cock and his mouth and his hands. The invitation is obvious. But so was the warning: I will not be a guilty secret.



Brian doesn’t want to see his face every day. Justin smirks. Brian was uncharacteristically sloppy. He might as well have said, “I want you so damn much that having to see you but not being able to touch you is going to drive me out of my motherfucking mind.” Maybe Daphne’s plan has merit after all. Justin goes to Woody’s. He goes to Babylon. He hangs out by Brian’s favorite water cooler. Brian tries to look nonchalant and fails. He swallows, shuffles his feet, looks at the floor, looks at the ceiling, looks anywhere except at Justin’s innocent cock-teasing grin.



It’s not even a challenge. Justin is almost disappointed. Brian welcomes him back into his life without even one shitty remark. He was expecting a fight. He’d been preparing himself all day, but Brian makes only one request. Never ever play violin music in his presence again. Justin inhales sharply. Brian had just told him that he cares about him and doesn’t want to be hurt again. Justin wants to go to him, kneel down, take his hands and tenderly kiss his palms, but, of course, that would be way too much. “I promise,” he says softly. And means it.



They agree it would be best if Justin continues to live at Daphne’s. Instead of being upset, Justin reads it as another sign that Brian is afraid of getting close and then losing him again. He wishes they could talk about it. He wants to assure Brian that he’s not going anywhere, that there’s no place he’d rather be than by his side, but he knows Brian won’t be able to discuss it in actual words. Instead, whenever Brian takes his hand, Justin smiles and weaves their fingers together. Brian glows with happiness. “I love you, too,” Justin thinks.



Brian is angry. Justin gets it. Stockwell is Brian’s client, and Justin has a lot of nerve making copies of derogatory posters with Brian’s company’s copier. He doesn’t stop though. He just uses his salary from the diner to make copies at Kinko’s. Brian turns a blind eye. Don’t look, don’t hear, don’t speak. When Justin doesn’t go out with him, they both know what he’s doing. Brian doesn’t try to stop him. Justin strongly suspects it’s because, even if Brian doesn’t agree with him, he still wants to support anything Justin wants to do no matter what it is.



“Let’s do something extra fun tonight,” Brian says. “Let’s go to Home Depot.” Justin’s jaw drops. Home Depot? They go to the nearest store and walk up and down the aisles until Brian finds what he’s looking for. A sledgehammer. What the fuck? Brian’s grinning and humming to himself. When they get to Babylon, Brian gives him the hammer. They walk in and go straight to the locked backroom door. Brian rolls up his sleeves. Justin grins. Brian has made him part of one of his devious schemes! No more Brian and Mikey Show. It’s Brian and Justin now.



Brian mocks a couple “snuggle-wuggling” in a nearby booth. “We’d never do that,” he says contemptuously. Later, when they’re at Babylon, they dance slowly, even to fast songs, their foreheads touching. Now and then Brian gives Justin a soft kiss and gently combs his fingers through Justin’s hair. Justin wants to laugh. Doing the exact same thing at the diner is “snuggle-wuggling,” but doing it at Babylon is “hot.” Later, Brian jerks him off in the backroom. Brian never makes his tricks come after they blow him. Justin smiles against his neck. Brian has no idea how romantic he is.



Brian isn’t happy that Justin is quitting school. Justin thinks it’s because he’d paid Justin’s tuition and is annoyed that an “investment” is “going to waste.” They have a fight about it. Brian gets surprisingly emotional. “Are you telling me that you didn’t enjoy your time at PIFA?” he yelled. “Are you telling me that you learned nothing? That you met no interesting people?” Justin goggles at him. Ethan was one of the “interesting people” he met. “There’s more to life than Liberty Avenue,” Brian says. “You wouldn’t know it looking at your life,” Justin says angrily. “Exactly,” Brian replies.



Brian lets Justin hold him. He lets Justin kiss him. He even lets Justin tickle him. He never gets weird anymore. He never says shitty things out of the blue. He asks questions and waits for the answers. He does helpful things without being asked. He washes the dishes. He sometimes even opens the car door! Justin’s not sure that Brian realizes he’s doing any of these things. He’s just naturally more present. More real. He no longer closes his eyes when he comes, and he wishes Justin good night. “Sweet dreams, Sunshine,” he says with a sly, sleepy smile.