JUSTIN

I looked down as Brian fucked Rage, and it wasn't something I didn't expect. I really couldn't be angry, because he wasn't cheating the way I did. In a way, everything was my fault. I wanted him to be someone he told wasn’t who he is, only I wouldn’t listen. So seeing him be him, told me it was time to find me.

When I was leaving, Ethan showed up, and offered me what I wanted from Brian, to be more than the guy Brian fucked more than once. I had a decision to make and this time in front of Brian, who was watching. I left with Ethan, but not to stay with him, but as a way for Brian to let me go. The gang will never get how I see it that way, but he gave me choices, since Michael told him about Ethan. I could stay and he'd let me, but neither of us were happy anymore. Brian wanted the relationship to stay the same, only giving me enough to know he cares but not more because he doesn't think he can. I know Ethan only happened because he told me things Brian never will. In fairness to Brian, I'm giving him back the life that makes him happy, without a cheating… It hurts that he even makes me question what I was in his life, but it didn't mean he deserved what I did to him.

Ethan stood outside in the cold while I ran through the last two years trying to figure out who I was.

“I should have left you alone.” Ethan tells me, sadly.

“If it wasn’t you, eventually something would have made me leave him. It just it feels like I used you to get what I wanted from him. You deserve better and I hope you find it.” I tell him.

“He'd take you back, even I could see he was giving you the choice.” He tells me, walking away.

But did Brian ever have the choice? Other than the first night, everything he did was to keep me safe, letting me move in when he didn’t want anyone in his space, or the responsibilities that my life forced on him. It’s what had me hurrying to Brian’s loft and get my things, by the time I was done the loft barely showed signs that I stayed there. I wanted to give Brian what he wanted for once, which was never a teenager trying to force him to love me. I put the key on his counter, which I didn't want to let go of, but had to if I was going to give him up. It was time to take the internship that would take me out of Brian’s orbit. I had the feeling I was right when he almost left for New York, that once I was no longer there he wouldn’t remember me as anything but the kid who wouldn't leave him alone. It's just, I wasn’t going to find someone else to love because loving someone other than Brian just wasn't me. I didn’t leave upset, but remembering the man I knew behind the mask.

BRIAN

Pain was a friend who never let me down, so Justin finally seeing it was time to leave me behind, brought my real best friend home. He needed to get away from me. Why lie, I needed him to go. I couldn’t keep staring into his eyes feeling the blame he wouldn’t let me have. It was hard to not be selfish and keep him. He brought sun in my world by not letting me dwell in the only world that I understood.

When I left Babylon hours and tricks later, it was to the darkness of my loft. He took everything that made it more than my showplace, in essence making it a home. I let myself believe he did us both a favor, and returned to the life I made everyone believe was me. I knew he was a chance at making a life that I didn’t want, right, lying to yourself never worked. I didn’t believe I could give him things I stopped believing in.  

My life was everything it was before Justin, almost to the point Mikey lost Ben. It proved to me I was a selfish asshole, when I almost didn't care if Mikey lost someone who would give him what Mikey always wanted. But Mikey finally grew some balls and chose Ben over watching me trying to erase the memory of Justin.

It's when I found out Justin was erasing everything that connected us to each other. He stopped by to see Lindsay and Mel, asking them to let him take Gus out, which he did often. So neither saw it as anything but normal, despite that we weren’t together anymore. Lindsay tried to get me to talk to Justin, saying the three words I never have to Justin. Of course in true Kinney fashion I denied loving him, but then admitted it didn’t matter because he made his choice. A choice to have a normal boyfriend who didn’t have problems telling Justin that he was loved.

A week went by, and Justin not being at the diner or really anywhere helped me to keep up appearances. Two weeks and I was worried, because no one had heard from Justin. Deb said he quit by calling the owner, but hadn't called her. It pissed me off, the hurt in Deb's eyes. Leaving me was one thing, but Deb loved him and he at least should have made sure she didn’t feel the yawning black hole he left behind.

Mikey was a whole different story, he no longer hid how he really felt about Justin. Somehow thinking it was helping me, by saying the crap instead of pretending he liked Justin. I watched as Emmett would just act like he didn’t hear it. It was Ted who seemed bothered, but since Ted and I really didn’t talk to each other, I couldn't see asking him why he wasn't doing what Emmett did and ignoring Mikey’s rants about Justin. As strange as it was, I started taking Ted out with me, since he seemed silent on the whole subject of Justin.

I went to the girls garden party, bringing a couple, not tricks, just wanting to see Justin. I couldn’t ask why he wasn’t there, because it would just start conversations I planned to avoid. I even stayed after with the gang to help the girls clean up, thinking Lindsay would at least mention Justin, in her passive aggressive way, to try to get me to talk about him. It ended up being Mikey who asked because of Rage.

“He came to see Gus and that's the last time we saw him. I've been worried because he always makes time for Gus.” Lindsay tells us, staring at me.

“Who cares, all he ever did was use Brian and then cheat on him. It makes me wonder why you bothered to save him.” Mikey says, not noticing the looks everyone had. Emmett seemed to notice mine and stopped me from kicking his ass out.

“Get out of my house!” Lindsay screamed, crying.

“How the fuck could you say something like that?” Mel asks, vibrating with anger.

“Because he shit all over everything Brian gave him. Even my mother, so I'm not going to pretend he was more than Brian’s noose.” He tells us.

“Or wanting to believe he's the only reason Brian can't love you.” Ted said quietly, before walking out.

“Brian, he finally saw you didn’t want him around, it's the first thing he got right, by leaving us alone.” Michael yells, as I went after Ted.

“I guess it's my turn to follow in Justin’s footsteps.” Ben say, sadly.

I didn’t hear the rest of what was said, because it took running to catch up to Ted before he sped off.

“Where is he?” I ask.

“Not in Pittsburgh, and really, you should be happy. He gave you what you wanted.” Ted tells me.

“I never wanted him gone.” I tell him.

“Nothing you did made him see you wanted him here either. Do him a favor and let him see a life that isn't the one you showed him.” Ted tells me, all I could do was nod. It seemed Justin figured out I was pulling him down.

It took barely a week before everyone acted like Michael losing Ben was worse than what he said about Justin. I loved how none of them told Deb what was said about Sunshine, but then it was the norm not to say anything that had Mikey being the bad guy. It took me longer to even speak to Michael again, but I only did because I didn’t need anyone seeing what Justin’s leaving did to me.

After that, the next contact Justin had with anyone was sending Michael the rights to Rage, a month later. There was no letter just a contract giving Michael all the rights to Rage. I fumed that Justin gave up everything while Michael sat around telling everyone he never needed Justin. It became obvious he did when the next issue didn’t sell half what the first one did and the next didn’t really even sell enough to pay the cost of producing it. I broke one last rule in the many rules of my life, and turned up on Jen’s doorstep. My relationship with Jen had it’s ups and downs, but we managed to find a middle ground in wanting the best for Justin.

“I only want to know he’s okay, it doesn’t matter what happened, I'll always care about him.” I tell her.

“Fair enough, he’s been good and only wants to get on with his life.” She tells me.

“Thanks.” I tell her, walking away.

“Brian, he wanted you to have what you want in life, and just felt it was better this way.” She tells me.

“Tell him I hope he gets everything he wanted. Even if it means without me.” I tell her, getting in the car.

My life went on, no one ever getting the position only Justin had in my life. I became the father I never thought I could be, because Gus needed me to help fill the void Justin left. It wasn’t until I opened my own company and hired Ted that I heard Justin’s name again. He was arguing with Emmett as they walked in, and Ted said Justin and then stopped talking when he saw me.

TED

Justin Taylor, twink, stalker, and generally someone I really didn’t pay a lot of attention to. It wasn’t like we had a lot in common, he was Brian’s toy. So when he came to see me after the whole Rage night, I was surprised. He told me he just wanted to say he was sorry we never really got to know each other and to make sure no one thought it was all Brian’s fault, when Brian had never promised Justin anything but a good time. It wasn’t like we became friends from that one conversation, but he seemed determined to turn into a friend when I needed someone. I never understood how it happened. I was in the middle of a crystal haze, hating Emmett for making his business successful. I don’t even remember how he found me. I went to the White Party in Palm Springs after stealing from Gus, no longer giving a shit that I had broken everyone’s trust in me. I must have taken so much shit that I blacked out. I woke up to Justin sitting next to me at the hospital. I really believed I was still tripping, since he’d been gone for close to six months without one word.

“I’d ask what your doing here, but I’m sure I’m still tripping.” I joke.

“You scared the shit out of me, so I’m sure I’m real. What the fuck happened to you?” Justin asks, angry at me.

“I’m just enjoying my failure of a life.” I tell him.

“I never saw ODing as a way to enjoy living, but to each his own. By the way your new ‘friends’, apparently left you to die in the bathroom of my cousin’s club. I really thought it was joke when Wes told me your name. Then we came to see you being loaded up into the ambulance. I only came because I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He tells me.

“Things are different than before you ran off. I lost everything. and most likely Emmett.” I tell him.

“Somehow I never saw that one coming, Mikey and Brian possibly, you and Emmett, not so much.” He tells me.

“Did you and Ethan move here?” I ask.

“We parted ways the night I left Brian. I couldn’t give Ethan what Brian owned.” He tells me.

“He's asked about you.” I tell him.

“While partying, tricking, and in general being Brian Kinney. It’s how his life should have been.” Justin tells me, actually seeming happy about it.

“Are you ever going to see him again?” I ask Justin.

“I do, every night in my dreams, but right now I’m worried about you. I barely recognized you, you’ve lost weight and truthfully look like the walking dead. I want to help you, but unless you want it, I’m not going to waste my time.” He tells me.

“I’m doing great.” I lie.

“Okay, I left you my phone number, call me when you figure out you aren’t.” He tells me, going to the door.

“Sometimes, you can tell he misses you.” I tell Justin.

“I’m sure you can always tell Emmett misses the Teddy he loved.” He says, without commenting on what I said.

I got out of the hospital and found out my new friends left me after stealing every dime from the money I stole. The hotel told me I could have my stuff back when I paid for the mess my group made. It was a moment where I found out there was more to Justin than his butt. He brought his cousin Wes, who paid the bill and told me I would be staying with him and Justin until we worked out how I was paying him back. Then the asshole offered a lockdown rehab or the street. I chose rehab because I didn’t need to see what Justin would say as to why I couldn’t call home. Stealing from Gus wasn’t something I could see Justin thinking I was worth the help they were offering me. I finished rehab and worked for Wes as his accountant to pay back not only him but Mel, Lindsay, and Emmett. Before I left Justin he asked me to not to tell anyone where he was, and I didn’t want to betray the trust of my friend. Over time, Emmett, Mel, and Lindsay found ways to forgive what I did. Brian, on the other hand, didn’t really act like he noticed I was missing, but offered me a job in the new company he was starting.

I would call and tell Justin my news, being careful not to cross the lines of our friendship by telling him about Brian’s life. I managed that for over five years, until Emmett answered my phone and realize who he was talking to.

“Why didn’t you say you knew where Justin was?” Emmett asks me, as we walk into Kinnetik.

“You never asked about him after he left, and he didn’t really want anyone to know.” I tell him.

“I didn’t want to listen to Michael talk about him anymore.” Emmett tells me.

“Justin…” Fuck, I know that look on Brian’s face, it’s when he wants an account.

“So how is the twat?” Brian asks.

“Learning to be Justin.” I tell him, walking away.