JUSTIN

When I decided to come to California it was really just because my cousin lived here and the internship was to work at a studio under people who created all the art that gave movies life. It’s not that I didn’t want to be a painter, but I also wanted to expand my art to include more. Wes didn’t see the reason for me to rent a roach motel when he had a house that he lived in alone. It was fun to be around Wes, because he didn’t care what anyone thought of him. He left the country club life and made his own way. His clubs weren’t designed with labels of straight or gay but only as places to dance and have fun. It wasn’t like Babylon, where you only came because you were gay. The only thing Wes hated was anyone doing drugs in his clubs. What they did before they entered was their business.

It’s how I ended up coming with him to find out why the police and an ambulance were called at one of his clubs. Wes had been on my ass when he found out about what I’d been doing when I was with Brian. He told me he didn’t blame Brian, because it was my job to act like an adult when I took off thinking I was one. I hung out with the bouncers when Wes went to find out what happened. When he said some guy named Ted Schmidt OD’d in the bathroom, I really didn’t believe it could be the guy I met through Brian. When they were wheeling him out, the police told Wes, the people with Ted didn’t stick around. I didn’t even think but got in the ambulance because no one deserved to be alone. Wes followed, wanting to know why I cared when I admitted really not knowing Ted that well.

“I couldn’t let him be alone when he could at least have someone there. It’s the one thing Brian did, stayed until I woke up. Nothing about Ted ever told me I’d meet him again like this.” I tell Wes.

“Justin, the guy in that room didn’t JUST start doing crystal. That’s what you look like after you’ve been fucking up your body with that shit for a while.” He tells me.

“If he wants help, I’m going to be there for him.” I tell him.

“Good luck, hopefully OD’ing will get him to wake up.” He tells me.

“Let’s hope the second time's a charm.” I tell him, wincing when he rolled his eyes at me.

Did I expect Ted to take me up on my offer for help, not really, but the person I was learning was me, cared about people. Only, unlike Brian, I don’t mind people knowing that about me. I could hear Brian calling me a twat in my head for helping someone who caused the bullshit in their lives. Instead of taking as Brian insulting me, I realized that for him it was a compliment for not compromising my principles based on what he thought.

When Ted agreed to rehab I decided to be there for him. I wanted him really straighten out his life and see that what he was doing wasn’t making him anything, it was just ruining his life. Why that was important to me, because Brian saw something that made him keep Ted around when he acted like he didn’t like Ted. I didn’t want Brian to lose the people in his life. Which sounds funny coming from me, since I left. It was just, I didn’t know if I was me with Brian, or the person I thought Brian wanted me to be. I’m sure everyone thought it was the tricking that was the problem, but it really wasn’t, because I understood they meant nothing to Brian. He offered me a place that no one ever had, to be the person he came home to. I left because I broke promises to a man who never broke one to me. I didn’t feel he deserved someone who didn’t give him the same things he gave me. I was also unsure of who I was anymore, I lied when he wouldn’t have said anything if I told him I was fucking another guy. It was someone I never wanted to be.

Maybe part of it was not wanting everyone to somehow blame him for what I did. By leaving I hoped they would put the real blame where it belonged, on the one who cheated. I let Ted fill in some of what happened, but asked him to refrain from trying to show me Brian cared more than anyone believed. I didn’t need him to tell me, I knew, even when Brian tried to act like I was a pain in his ass. Ted and I formed a bond that I doubt we could have in Pittsburgh. We were friends without worrying about how anyone would see it. He told me what Michael said about me and it really wasn’t like I didn’t expect it from the man who pretty much saw me as the one who took away his best friend. It wasn’t like Michael ever had a reason to see me as more than the brat who got everything that Michael felt belonged to him. It’s why I called the owner to quit and not Deb. I hoped it would give Michael back the mother he decided I took while I was taking everything else from him.

When I came here, my only thought was to finish college. I’d been teetering on quitting even before knowing that without Brian I couldn’t afford it. Wes made me a deal like I had with Brian, that he’d pay for it and my expenses until I graduated. I worked so he would only have to pay for college, I didn’t need another person paying for everything the way Brian did.

It really upset me when I found out Michael screwed up Rage. He killed of JT in the second issue, leaving Rage to fight battles that didn’t really make sense. It was funny to me when Brett Keller came to talk to one of the art directors about the movie he was making and walked by me when I was looking at the second issue of Rage.

“I liked Rage, until the second issue. You a fan?” He asks.

“I was the illustrator for the first issue.” I told him.

“What happened in the second issue? The illustrations looked almost like a child drew it.” He tells me.

“Artistic differences, the writer didn’t feel I should be the one drawing it.” I tell him.

“His mistake, you're good.” He tells me, leaving.

After that I pretty much thought he forgot talking to me. I found out I was wrong when after graduating college, he offered me a job working as an assistant to the art director doing his movie. It wasn’t like we became friends or I was hanging out with him, it was him offering me a job because he liked my work for Rage and what I’d been doing the whole time I interned at the studio. It was great, because I was making friends with people and didn’t feel like it was because of Brian. I had more than Daphne.

Daphne, she was one of the hardest ones, I couldn’t leave her behind because she was my best friend. She thought I was an idiot for running away and not facing what I did. As my friend she didn’t spare me from the blame that belonged to me. She also asked me if I ever thought that the bashing was why Brian closed himself off from what she was convinced he felt that night. Thinking about it, I knew Brian blamed himself, but you know in my head the fucker holding the bat was where it all belonged. Not that the judge agreed, as far as he was concerned it was my fault for flaunting myself and confusing the poor boy, how he managed to explain a bat at prom will forever be a mystery. It’s why Brian and I stopped talking about it, he couldn’t believe making my night by showing up outweighed the reason the judge believed Chris tried to kill me.

I made my first mistake in five years of trying to find myself. I didn’t hang up when Emmett answered Ted’s phone. It was just nice to hear Emmett, who was always the happiest gay man on the planet. We were sort of friends when Michael wasn’t around, but Emmett was loyal to his friends and the new kid Brian was fucking didn’t mean he went out of his way to alienate the friendship he and Michael had had for years. So when he realized it was me I didn’t hang up but let him know my life was really good. Ted called and told me Brian knew he had contact with me, and I told Ted it was fine, I wasn’t hiding, but wanting to see what life was like without Brian trying to protect me. I waited, because even if Brian didn’t care the way he once did, he still was Brian, and would demand answers before telling me I was a twat for wanting to find my own way. It’s why after close to six years I still love Brian, because he taught me to never let someone else think for you. I thought about it, my job could be done from anywhere, maybe it was time to at least give Brian the explanations that he deserved, instead of the silence my teenage mind thought was better.

BRIAN

I gave Ted a couple of days to think once again that I never gave a shit about Justin. There were a lot of things I didn’t give a shit about, but Justin was never going to be one of them. I might have never talked about him, but he was there. It wasn’t as the twink who wouldn’t leave, but as the kid who stayed even when what I did was fucked up.

It's not a friendship I ever saw, Justin and Ted. I kept going through all their interactions, not seeing it. Ted was well, Ted, I couldn't see a conversation on accounting being something the twat wouldn’t fall asleep listening to. So I decided to find out how this friendship got off the ground and the reason Ted never mentioned it.

“Why you?” I ask.

“He didn’t want me to be alone when I ended up in the hospital. So unlike you, he sat and waited for me. Then offered me a chance to fix everything. Who knows, maybe he just couldn’t watch me treat everything in my life as if nothing mattered.” He tells me.

None of it made sense, Justin wasn’t even around when Ted OD’d. It really wasn't any way to give me a clue, and I respected Justin by not having an investigator find him, but he's leaving his own trail through Ted.

I was at Woody’s with the guys, Michael was upset that apparently Ben had met someone, and they were adopting a kid. He was still blaming Justin for their break up. For the first time since Justin left, Emmett defended Justin.

“It’s amazing how Justin is still responsible for the things you do. Ben should have said he was leaving because he couldn't find the man he thought he was dating in someone who could talk about anyone the way you did Justin.” He tells Michael.

“He probably didn't see being friends with this group when a week later all was forgiven.” I said without thinking.

“It was the truth, he never deserved everything Brian did for him.” Mikey says waiting for me to agree.

“At least he wasn’t surprised about it coming out of Michael’s mouth.” Ted said, under his breath.

“What?” Emmett asks, looking worried that Justin might know that Michael was let off the hook.

“He said it was something he would expect from Michael.” Ted tells him, not caring that Michael would question how Ted knew anything.

“How do you know?” Michael asks.

Ted seem to debate how to answer. “Fuck it. He told me he didn’t mind if I said anything. Remember when I disappeared? When I stole Gus’s money and took off to a White Party. I ended up in a bathroom at a club, taking more shit on top of the stuff I already did. I got left to die in the bathroom and woke up to Justin pissed at me for ruining my life. He offered to help me, even though we barely knew each other. He got my ass in rehab and stayed with me until I cleaned up the mess I left here in Pittsburgh. I wanted to show Justin I could be the friend he was to me, so I told him about things that went on after he left. Especially the one I never forgave Michael for.” Ted tells us.

“I’m sure he really just wanted to hear about Brian. I hope his little heart wasn’t broken when he found out him leaving didn’t change much.” Michael tells us, smirking.

“Actually no, he was happy that Brian got the life he wanted. Very little of our conversations after than one were more than just the two of us catching up on what was going on in our lives. Other than wanting to know about Gus, he tends to forget he knew you, Michael.” Ted tells him, smirking bigger.

My phone rang and I didn’t recognize the number. “Where was the White Party?” I asked, before answering.

“Palm Springs, wasn’t it Teddy?” Emmett asks.

“Brian, you let him go, why bother now?” Michael whines, loud enough for people walking by on the street to hear.

“Sounds like Mikey still can’t say anything without busting your eardrum.” Justin said over the phone.

“Give me a minute, DO NOT fucking hang up.” I tell him, walking away from everyone. “So Sunshine, decided that I finally ranked a phone call?” I sneered.

“I figured with Emmett talking to me, it wasn’t like anyone wouldn’t eventually know and pester Ted to death. Calling you means I can ask about Gus.” He tells me.

“See, I don’t see a reason you deserve to know about my son. I don’t really share important things with strangers.” I tell him.

“That’s fine, I’ll call Lindsay or Mel. I’ll let you go, since you really didn’t want to hear from me.” He tells me, hanging up.

I dialed him back. “You really think you get out of dealing with me? You fucking leave, dropping out of college, my son’s life, and our life together. YOU don’t get to hang up when you don’t like what you’re hearing. Why am I surprised, it’s what you do, avoid it when you don’t hear what you want.” I tell him.

“I did, but then there wasn’t really a whole lot of talking going on.” He laughs.

“There will be when I get there.” I tell him.

“How about I make it easier?” Justin asks me, stepping up to me on the sidewalk, still smiling.

God damn it, six years and the only thing that came up was my little head. I grabbed his hand and dragged him to my car. He really needed to get that smile off his face, so I grabbed it and swallowed it in a kiss, one that took six years too long to have again.

“This doesn’t mean you don’t have explaining to do.” I tell him, staring into the pools of blue as I leaned down to kiss him again.