BRIAN

Ted explained why he and Justin were friends, but it still didn't make sense. Justin sat on the stool in my kitchen firing off texts, not really saying much. For all his ‘wanting to explain’ he seemed busy with other things.

“Sorry, Brett is having an aneurysm about one of the sets. I forgot to get the file to my boss. I wanted to ask a question first. How did Michael manage, in one issue, to screw up Rage?” He asks.

“It could have something to do with you handing it over like you didn’t remember everything about the first issue was your life. With you gone, the material Michael had to work with became limited to what he would have done without you.” I tell him, sarcastically.

“I guess blaming me for Michael losing his dream makes sense to you. It couldn't be Michael, because then you'd have to say he screwed up. It’s just not how I see it.” He tells me.

“Another life lesson you learned?” I sneered, not understanding why I couldn’t control my anger at him now that he was back.

“It’s a life lesson I thought growing up should have had us all learning, but then Michael couldn’t really ever grow up, because you and Deb circled the wagons when poor Mikey called. It really made me think less of my place when you left work to comfort Michael when Ben got sick. It showed me a lot in terms of the order of importance of the things in your life. He could have called everyone to help, but as usual he knew you’d drop everything to be there for him. I’m not saying it because you did anything wrong in supporting Michael, but to show you I understood that nothing got in the way of you and Michael. It really showed me a lot about where I ranked in your life. Really in everyone’s. They all showed up, rearranging their lives to help Michael. Hell, even I was helping, because it's what I learned was expected when it came to Michael. When I left, it sounded like life went on, and it helped when I wanted to call, because I just had to remember where your priorities really were. I was just the kid you felt responsible for.” He tells me, making me realize that that’s how that would seem, when none of us spent time with Justin when he was relearning everything.

“They came to see you in the hospital.” I said, feeling like I was just trying to make excuses.

“I’m not saying Mel, Lindsay, and Deb didn’t, it’s just it was nothing like what Michael got from all of you, when Ben was in the hospital. All of you expected me to help too, when Michael and I were barely friends. It’s why I was everywhere but around, because I didn’t get why everyone sat around Michael’s apartment instead of going to the hospital and sitting with Ben. Who might have liked knowing that he was a little more important than Michael’s wringing hands. By that point I was already tired of hearing you and Michael acting like a couple worried over your child, and I did something stupid by wanting to feel like I was worth the devotion you gave Michael. Ethan was there for things like my art being shown at the school exhibit, and for once I didn’t feel like I had to be careful of what I said. It was my mistake for taking it further, because in the end, cheating wasn’t something anyone deserves. I should have left when I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was still waiting for something you couldn’t… wouldn’t give me. I watched you fuck Rage, and blamed myself, because it was you showing me that once again I was waiting for something that you weren’t ever going to give me. Ethan and I got outside the club and he knew there wasn’t going to be a relationship, and I could keep living my life waiting for something you never wanted. I took the internship that I didn’t tell you about, and wanted to see who I was without you. I spent so much time believing that without you I couldn’t be happy, which opened me up to meeting people and seeing that being me was more important than being who I thought was the only way to keep you.” He tells me.

“So instead of growing some balls and demanding what you wanted, you take off, leaving everyone worried and somehow making friends with Ted. He was barely someone you paid attention to!” I yelled, losing control of the jealousy that friendship made me feel.

“He needed someone, when apparently the rest of you were too busy to see what he was doing to himself. What did you all do, ignore that he was one step away from being a walking corpse? How could Michael, who supposedly cares so fucking much, not drag Ted’s ass to get him some help? Well, unlike Michael I don’t just spout how caring I am, but do something when I can for people. I don’t sit around getting you and Emmett to do the heavy lifting. I had to convince my cousin that Ted was the person I really thought he was, to get him to agree to help Ted. Wes and I didn’t let Ted off the hook, but made him work to get his life in order before coming back. In that time I got to know Ted, and found out he was more than the guy everyone made fun of. I wanted him to get his low self-esteem, that years around the group gave him, out of the gutter. In a way he was the anti-Michael, he didn’t whine and expect everyone to make him the center of attention. Although he probably knew what I did, no one got to take anything away from Michael unless they wanted you in their face. Ted and I were able to spend time getting to know each other without the usual mockery you and Michael would have done. I found out Ted was intelligent and could talk about more than Brian’s ‘latest and greatest tricks’, something that Michael used to constantly show me how you’d never give me anything I wanted in life. It’s the one thing Michael repeated any time he wanted me to know I wasn’t going to get what he couldn’t from you.” He tells me.

“So somehow it’s Michael’s fault that you couldn’t face me and tell me it was over?” I ask.

“Not at all. I just finally listened, when everything you did was what Michael was ramming into my head. I left because we were talking even less than we already did and I didn’t want to hate you. If I stuck around here, you’d be making it so I saw how little you cared that I was gone, and I’d be trying to act like it didn’t hurt when it would tear up my soul to watch. I also didn’t want the group to act like what I did was what you deserved. I figured by leaving they’d put the blame on me, not you.” He tells me.

“Other than Lindsay telling me to talk to you, that was all that was mentioned.” I tell him.

“Really? Lying was never something you did before.” He tells me, showing he knew me better than most people.

“What he said isn’t worth the time it took him to get it out of his mouth. He ended up losing Ben over it.” I tell him.

“If you're expecting me to be sympathetic that Ben left Michael, it won’t happen. I don’t like Michael and there’s really nothing about Michael that makes me want to overlook the bullshit, when he felt the same way about me.” He tells me.

“He tried to include you, but you didn’t make it easy on him either.” I tell him.

“Believe it if you want, I guess nothing’s changed for you either.” He tells me, getting up to leave.

“Where are you going now?” I ask.

“I'm staying with a friend, I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.” He tells me.

“I wouldn’t have kicked you out.” I tell him, not being able to grow the balls to ask him to stay.

“It's something you never felt you could do, you felt responsible for the things that other people did. It's one thing Michael and I agreed on. I wouldn't have still been around if that bat hadn’t connected. Before you try to deny it, when I asked, your silence spoke for you.” He tells me, once again walking out without expecting an answer from me.

TED

It sounded like someone was trying to kick my door in. When I opened it, Brian was there, smelling like he drank all the bottles in Babylon. I wasn’t sure what to do, because I wasn't his go-to guy when he got like this. He came in without an invitation and barely made it to the couch. I started coffee, because sleep wasn’t looking possible, it seemed Justin returning didn’t leave Brian unaffected as he wanted us to believe.

“He believes everything came before him. You want to know what bothers me more? It’s the way he wasn't even angry when he said it.” He tells me.

“It's how he was able to not live in the past. He didn’t try to change the truth, so he could convince himself he meant more to you than Michael did.” I tell him.

“I let Justin move in with me, made him promises that no one ever got, how does he not see he was different?” He asks, as if it showed Justin something.

“It showed him that you took him in when his mother begged you to, but slammed the door in his face when he came to find out why you stopped talking to him.” I tell him.

“She asked me to leave him alone. She saw what Justin couldn’t, that what I did got him hurt.” He tells me.

I wanted to use one of Brian's saying that self-pity makes my dick soft, but Brian believed what he was saying. “What that shithead did would have happened even if you weren't there. He didn’t just find something, he brought the bat with him. As Mel would say, intent was there, you being there kept everyone from attending a funeral instead of the farce the courtroom became. You not only saved Justin’s life but mine, because he was able to be there to kick my ass and get me to straighten my life out. For once you're going to listen and accept my thanks for keeping him alive.” I tell him.

“He thinks us helping Michael when Ben got sick, showed how much Michael meant to all of us. He even implied were too busy comforting Michael to worry about Ben.” He tells me.

“He’s seeing how little time any of us spent checking on him. I can’t even say I visited, but I was like Emmett, neither of us saw Justin as more than your toy no longer being fun for you to play with. It doesn't make it right, but if Michael had been hurt, you would have slept at the hospital. The one thing Justin only really mentioned about it was you at least stayed until you heard he was okay. For him that mattered more than your absence. He jumped in the ambulance with me because he didn’t want a guy who barely gave him the time of day to die alone. Then stayed because he told me Daphne being there all the time helped him to not give up.” I tell him, hoping not to make Brian feel worse.

“I didn’t need him to know I was there every night, it would have caused him to see me as someone I wasn’t.” He whispers before passing out.

I looked over at Justin, who was staying in my extra room. I think were were both trying to figure out if Brian really said that. Justin went and got a blanket and pillow, taking off Brian’s shoes and rearranging him to a more comfortable position. I watch as Justin took care of Brian. It wasn’t something any of us would have seen but with as much as Brian partied in the past it was probably something Justin did often. It really was one of the big differences between Michael and Justin, Michael would have sat telling everyone in the diner how he took care of his best friend. Justin did things but never said a word, just found praise in that the people in his life were happy. I wonder how Brian would react to the whole Kip thing if he ever found out what Justin did, but unless Justin wanted Brian to know I’ll respect Justin’s decision to leave it alone. I left when Justin laid on the couch with Brian, wondering how many times Justin protected Brian in his sleep, when Brian wrapped his arms around Justin as if it was instinct to do it.