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Author's Chapter Notes:

 

The Epilogue...


Brian panted and lay back heavily on the downy pillows, waiting for his heartbeat to return to somewhere near normal. Damn, his ass was going to be sore. Their boy knew how to work it. We taught him well.

He watched as the light began to break through the drapes of the hotel room. He and Justin were due to make a speech on cooperative living with alters at a meeting of the Canadian Mental Health Association Toronto later this morning, and they had arrived at the hotel too late and too exhausted to thoroughly enjoy the oversized bed. They quickly remedied the lapse upon waking, however. Gliding his hand slowly over smooth white skin and hard muscle, he tenderly intertwined his fingers with Justin's. He fucking loved this man who had given up everything in his life to simply love him back.

"Jus?"

"Hmm?" Justin lazily tossed a sweaty leg across Brian's groin and buried his head in Brian's neck. He may still have a big youthful advantage, but after their late arrival and early wake-up, he was fucked out and fucking tired.

"Babe..." Brian hesitated, a bit uncertain as to how to preface what he wanted to say. "Ya know we're never goin' ta be completely okay, right?  We're...I'm... never goin' ta be that guy ya thought ya met under that streetlamp."

At the lilt of the soft brogue, Justin shifted out of Brian's arms and propped himself up one elbow. He gazed down at the joined hands, bringing them up for a gentle kiss before meeting the uncertainty in a pair of hazel eyes. Brian slipped in and out of Sonny's speech patterns more and more as time passed. They were the closest of the Brothers and it still bothered Justin a bit that he sometimes needed to decipher who exactly he was in bed with. The switching was so instantaneous, so seamless now.

"I know, Bri."

"We'd understand, ya know." The words were whispered so softly against Justin's ear that he wasn't completely certain they had even been spoken. A shuddered sigh. And louder now, "We'd understand if you stepped away, wanted ta find something... more for yourself."

Justin sighed. "One more time, Kinney... There could never be more for me. You...all of you..." Justin's words trailed off as he struggled to collect his thoughts, his words. He climbed on top of the man next to him, chest to chest, trying to connect them at as many physical points as possible. He placed a hand on either side of Brian's face, holding it in place, holding his gaze. He needed Brian to see the truth of his next words.

"I thought I fell in love with you that first night on Liberty Avenue, Brian. In a way, I suppose I did. But it was a very immature kind of love, all flame and flash and need and lust. It was a love based on a dream. A wet dream." They smirked at each other, and Justin blushed a bit at the thought of his own youthful naïveté. "I thought I knew it all then. But I had no idea, Bri. I had no fucking idea what real love was. I fell in love with an idea, an image. The ad man sold himself and I wanted the product."

"Hey, I was that good." A tongue in cheek smirk, a brogue dropped, and Justin knew that Sonny had ceded the body to Just Brian completely. Seamlessly. Brian wrapped his long leg around Justin and quickly flipped him onto his back, now hovering above the young man, but never breaking their eye contact.

"Yeah, you were. Still are. But you're not an idea, not an image anymore, Bri. You are more real than anyone I've ever met. Complex, beautiful, fractured, vulnerable, but with a strength and will that astounds me. I truly fell in love with Brian Kinney when I saw him fall apart and pull himself together again, time after time. When I saw him struggle just to survive. When he let me meet his Brothers... And I'll never let him go again. I love you, Brian. All of you."

Brian rested his forehead on that of the remarkable young man lying below him. With one finger he traced soft, full lips and then captured them with his own briefly. Pulling back, letting Justin see the tears and the emotion in his eyes, he felt he could finally breathe again.

"We love you, too, Sunshine."

"Enough to get off me and call room service?  We, love, have a speech to give in three hours. And then tomorrow?  A date with our Gus."

Brian grinned brightly at the mention of the boy. It had been a year and a half since he had last seen his son. At first, Brian was hesitant to actually file the legal papers seeking visitation. He had still felt so unstable in his new reality and worried about the psychological effects it would have on a small child. It took a full year of convincing by both Justin and Alice to change his mind. Adam Ritchie and Charles Orwin had been relentless in their work on his behalf, and the family court had finally - finally - agreed to allow limited visitation. Not the outcome they had hoped for, but it was still a work in progress.

"I guess you'd better give me that phone then, eh?" He kissed is partner and ordered breakfast.  

*******

The two men stood at the lectern, patiently waiting for the last smatter of applause to disappear, as they looked out over the large audience of doctors, students, counselors. Their story wasn't routine even in this company and the very novelty of it, the preposterous concept of non-integration was a draw to the psychiatric community. Justin smiled as he spotted the familiar face of Alice McCarthy sitting in the fourth row back, dead center. He nudged his partner and pointed out their friend, who they both knew was sitting there merely for moral support. She knew their spiel first hand. She had helped them live through it.

As the applause and chatter died out, Brian cleared his throat, taking a moment for the adman Brian Kinney to arrive. Part of their purpose was to sell a concept. And that the two men did well.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Brian Kinney. My partner, Justin Taylor and I would like to thank you all for the opportunity to speak to you today. We are both aware that the subject of our presentation today is a controversial one within the psychiatric community. Be that as it may, it is a reality that we live, every second of every day.

"Nearly two years ago I disappeared, literally and figuratively. It wasn't the first time I had disappeared, but it was the first time I had anyone who cared enough to find out why." Brian looked over at his partner. Justin smiled and lowered his head, humbled by the love shining from that hazel eyed gaze. 

*******

 They had come so far since that terrifying first discovery. But there was a true shitload of work still left ahead of them - ahead of Brian. A lifetime of it, perhaps. At least the Brothers fully communicated with each other. For the most part, they worked interchangeably and together.

Life wasn't easy by any means. Sometimes they battled. But they continued on and the co-existence became less complicated. Justin was still a little thrown by the development of his own relationship with Sonny. He had learned to love the Brother deeply - nowhere near the powerful feelings Justin held for Brian - but Sonny accepted that. The protective feelings Sonny had toward Brian would always allow him to gladly accept second place in Justin's life. They made it work. A unique type of polyamory.

Through it all, however, Brian had finally learned to proudly accept himself as he was - flawed, plural and loved unconditionally.

There were many losses along the way. Brian and Justin's relationship with Debbie was irreconcilably altered. They had hoped that with time something of that could be salvaged. But there was just too much pain, co-dependence, enabling and abuse involved to untangle it all and they drifted further and further apart. Michael's betrayal, of course, had struck Brian at his very core and they never spoke again after that last meeting in the diner.  Lindsey's own betrayal of Brian, and her manipulative use of their son in the process, had forever destroyed their close relationship - they communicated now only through attorneys.  In the process of all these alterations, Emmett and Ted had severed their ties to the original Liberty Avenue family as well. It was the end of an era.

And after all this time they all still mourned for their Little Boy.

But they focused on the future. With Alice's friendship and guidance they worked hard to regain their perspective - and to carry on one day at a time. And with the losses came wonderful gains. Emmett, Ted, Blake, Cynthia, Kaz, Jennifer and Molly, and Daphne had become a close knit family for Justin and the Brothers. They all accepted them and their non-conventional life unconditionally.

Brian Kinney never returned to the helm of Kinnetik or to his position as Stud of Liberty Avenue. He no longer felt that unparalleled drive to succeed in the corporate or the sexual world. He now knew these actions for what they were, sublimation of other drives and desires for control in his life, and the stresses they involved were counterproductive to his healing.  Cynthia and Theodore were more than succeeding with the company, industriously trying to fill their predecessor's rather large shoes. And there were more than a few studs trying desperately to fill their predecessor's rather large condoms.

The Brothers now channeled their drive into telling their story. Every. Chance. They. Got. In as many ways as they could tell it. They lectured about it. They wrote about it. With the help of Kinnetik, Alice, a few well-to-do investors, and a name proudly provided by Trick, Brian and Justin began Step out of the Ordinary, a foundation focusing on stripping away the stigma surrounding childhood abuse and the subsequent ways in which abuse survivors cope with their reality. With Mac's help, they had even convinced the religious community to provide sponsorship and training for clergy.

No, Brian Kinney didn't become an instant celebrity or a best-selling author.

But he was proud.

And he had stepped out of the ordinary.

And he could feel his soul ascending.

And he was happy.

Finally.

Proud : Martin Colin Sutton, Pixie Lott, Chris Neil

 

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know
Realise that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change
Do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change
So do it today
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
'Cause you could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today
You could be so many people?
Just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

 

Chapter End Notes:

 

(Below are the original End Notes from when I first posted this story a little over four years ago. I didn't want to change them because they were exactly how I felt at the time. And still do. And to me they are an integral part of the whole story. Thank you all for reading, commenting and supporting. Fictors... Always fictors.)

My own catharsis...

Well, the ride is over. For now. Then again, who really knows?

I want to thank each and every one who read my virgin attempt at fanfiction. Everyone who supported me so fervently - even those who perhaps weren't quite so enthusiastic. Each and every comment helped to formulate and sustain this saga. And, god... believe me... there were times I needed some formulation and sustaining.

When I saw my first episode of QAF, the show had been off the air for several years. Yet I was mesmerized as if it was the freshest thing there was. At first it was the rawness - the in your face nature of it. Non-apologetic and brutally graphic. The pure sex of it. But by the fourth or fifth episode I began to feel and see Brian on such a different level... a deep psychological meaning of the whole character just leaped out at me. He was special. He was a survivor.  And he paid a high price for that survival. This was my story of his survival and the price he paid for that. 

So, thank you all for taking this amazing journey with me and the boys. Let us all rejoice and be proud of what we have done. Let our souls ascend. Let us step out of the ordinary. (That song is one amazing anthem to survival.) And you all are amazing compatriots. Regardless of which continent we reside on, we are all members of a rare and wonderful community. We are ‘fictors', finding a victory in fiction. I appreciate the opportunity to be counted as one of you.

Survival - it's the sweetest revenge. 

No Chaser

The End.
NoChaser is the author of 44 other stories.
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