No. No. No. No. NO!

My chest heaves as tears start running freely down my face and I slump to the ground in front of Deb’s headstone because my legs can’t seem to hold me up. This can’t be happening. It’s just a nightmare. I must’ve fallen asleep on the airplane. I’m not in Pittsburgh yet, I’m not in this cemetery, Gus isn’t really here, and it’s all just a dream. A fucking awful, horrible dream. Brian’s fine, he’s okay. I shut my eyes tight and will myself to wake up. When I open my eyes again, I’m still here. I’m still in Pittsburgh, sitting in front of Debbie’s grave, nearly hyperventilating and on the verge of sobbing with Gus standing over me.

I assume Gus has just been watching me for a few minutes while I try like hell to regain my composure, and then he slowly stoops down onto his knees next to me on the ground, then reaches out and touches my arm. “Hey,” he begins. “Listen, I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize you still – I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t have told you like that.”

I look up at him when I hear his voice catch in his throat. His eyes are glistening with unshed tears and I feel a sudden urge to hug him. This sixteen-year-old boy is dealing with the fact that his father is sick and dying of AIDS and I’m the one falling apart in front of him. I can’t imagine what he’s feeling right now.  Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what’s happening right now and the tears continue to dampen my face.

I shake my head at him. “No, Gus, I understand how you must feel about me,” I manage to choke out through my tears and heavy breathing. I still can’t seem to catch my breath.  “I just – I don’t understand. Brian was always so careful. I just don’t --,” I stop. I feel myself losing control of my body again. I need to calm down.

He takes a deep breath. “I probably shouldn’t tell you all the details. It’s not for me to say.”

I nod because I understand.  I need to be alone. I need to figure out what I’m going to do next. But I can’t seem to pick myself up off the ground. I take a few deep breaths and close my eyes, trying to think. The only thing I can think is that I want to see him. I feel like I need to talk to him, to hear it from his mouth before I can really understand it.

Before Gus showed up, I had no intentions of seeing Brian while I’m in Pittsburgh. I just wanted to come pay my respects to Debbie, visit my mom, and head back to New York without another thought. I should’ve known better.

Maybe Brian wants to see me too.

Yeah, not fucking likely.

I hear myself speaking before I can even process what I’m saying. “Can I see him?”

Gus hesitates. “I don’t know,” he states simply.

“Please, Gus. I have to see him. Please,” I ask again. I wonder how sick he is. Is he still at the loft? Is he at the hospital or at the AIDS hospice? The thought of Brian being alone all day sick in a hospital bed makes me feel nauseous.

“He wouldn’t like it,” he tells me. I nod. I knew it, he doesn’t want to see me. He hates me. “I mean, he wouldn’t want you to see him like that. He --,” he pauses for a few seconds. “Let’s just say he isn’t the way you probably remember him. I don’t want him to be pissed at me for bringing you home with me. And the doctors keep saying he doesn’t need any stress right now.”

“Home?” I ask. “You live with him?” Gus nods. “At the loft?”

He nods again. “Yeah, I’ve been kind of – taking care of him, I guess. Just staying with him, really. He doesn’t have anyone else, so --”

My eyebrows furrow. “What about Michael -- and Lindsay?” I ask, confused. I can’t imagine Michael not being with Brian twenty-four hours a day if he thought Brian needed it, and the same goes for Lindsay.

He shakes his head. “My moms still live in Canada. They let me come here and go to school so I could live with Dad a couple of years ago. They actually – don’t know about his diagnosis. He hasn’t told them.” I’m not surprised by that. Considering what happened when he found out he had cancer the first time, it’s predictable that he’d want to keep this a secret too.  “And Michael – Well, he had a hard time finding out about Dad’s HIV status. He comes and visits sometimes, but I think it’s too hard for him. You know, because of Ben and Hunter. I don’t know –,” he trails off.

Lindsay, Mel, Michael, Ben, Hunter – their names take me back ten years ago. I feel like I don’t even know them anymore.  I guess I don’t. Brian’s lost everyone close to him except his son, and now at 43 years old, he’s alone and – dying.

“I’m glad he has you,” I tell him. Tears are stinging my eyes again. I should be there with him, taking care of him. But I’m not. This deep feeling of sadness wrapped in guilt fills my body and I bury my head in my hands.

After a few minutes, he stands up and reaches offers his hand to me. I pull myself up off the ground and struggle to regain my balance. “I’m not going to bring you with me to the loft,” he tells me. “But I’ll tell him you’re here if you want me to. Maybe he’ll – want to see you or something.” I nod my consent. “Give me your number and I’ll call you later tonight to let you know what he says, okay?”

I look up at him again. I see so much of Brian in Gus, and my chest tightens at that thought. I give Gus my cell phone number and we part ways. As I watch him drive off in Brian’s Corvette, I just know this is going to be a long night waiting for that call.

__________________________

“Did you see their faces?” I ask him as we walk through the parking garage to his jeep.

“Yeah. We gave them a prom they’ll never forget,” he tells me.

He presses me up against the side of the jeep. “Me neither,” I say. “It was the best night of my life.” And it is. From Brian showing up unexpectedly, to the dance, and the kiss in front of everyone – I feel like I’m in a dream that I never want to leave.

“Even if it was ridiculously romantic.” He smiles. It only lasts for a second, but it’s a smile I’ve never seen before. It isn’t that signature smirk, it’s a real, unguarded smile and I feel like I’m floating. Life couldn’t get any better than this moment right here. I don’t want it to end.

He leans in to kiss me. He hesitates, though, as if asking permission. He closes the distance between us and as I feel his soft, warm lips brush against mine, I consider asking him to take me back to the loft. I kiss him back and wonder if he would. After an exit like that, I’m ready to leave St. James Academy in the dust.

He interrupts my thoughts when he ends the kiss, pauses, then pulls me away from the jeep by the white silk scarf he put on me. Then I realize I forgot about Daphne. I can’t just leave her here.  “Later,” he tells me and I smile and say it back. I start to walk away, but then turn toward him again and I can’t help but laugh about how crazy that was, about how unbelievably fucking happy I am.

I continue to walk away as I hear the jeep door shut. Maybe I can just go and tell Daphne I’m leaving and then catch Brian before he drives off – my thought is interrupted by Brian’s urgent, “JUSTIN!” I turn, a smile still on my face and then –

I awaken with a start. It takes me a minute to realize where I am before I scramble to grab my phone off the table next to the bed in my hotel room. Fuck, that’s got to be the fifth time I had that dream this month. This time I could almost feel his mouth against mine, feel that happiness beyond anything I’ve felt since that night, then feel the bat make contact –

I shake the thought from my head and flip my phone open. 0 missed calls. I glance at the clock. 7:35AM. Shit, I must’ve fallen asleep. Gus’ call never came last night. I consider calling the old loft number to see if it’s still in service, but quickly decide against it. If Brian answered, I wouldn’t know what to say. I wish I would’ve gotten Gus’ number yesterday. What if he never calls me?

My flight back to New York is tomorrow morning and I refuse to leave without seeing Brian or at least talking to him, one last time. I don’t care if he’s angry at me and forces me to leave, it doesn’t matter. I just need to see his face, touch him again so I know he’s real, and that he’s still there. I want to tell him I’m sorry and that I regret what I did to him. I want to tell him that I love him and I want him to say it back. I want him to tell me that he’s okay, that nothing’s wrong. I want him to kiss me and make all the pain and uncertainty go away. I want him to be the same sarcastic pain-in-the-ass Brian I remember from all those years ago. It’s inconceivable considering what Gus told me, I know, but I want it so bad it hurts.

I quickly make my decision. I pull myself out of bed and make my way toward the shower. I’m going to the loft.