Title: Just Kiss Me…

Story Type: AU

Word Count:

Warnings: Love, Passion, Romance, Angst, Anti-Michael…

Beta Queen: BigJ52

Banner: Predec2

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…

Summary: Brian and Justin’s journey of love…

Chapter Summary:  They say confession is good for the soul, but you may have to go through hell to come out the other side…

Just Kiss Me…

Chapter Seventeen ~ Shattered Kisses

Justin’s arms are over his head, and he’s leaning against the glass shower door. The warm water is running down their bodies, as their breathing returns to normal. He leans his head back, resting it on Brian’s shoulder. They turn towards one another and capture each other’s lips in a passionate kiss. Afterwards they dry off with big fluffy red towels, then lie on the bed taking a few minutes to relax, just holding each other. Eventually they get comfortably dressed, Brian in his faded jeans, and Justin in his old flannel shirt.

“Christ, Justin! You still have that shirt? You’re going to get me hard all over again just thinking about our first night together.”

Grinning like a fool he whispers, “I could still feel you the next day, and all I could think was I needed you inside me again. Again, and again, and again.”

“You are such a horny little boy.”

“Just the way you like me.”

Once Brian finishes rolling a joint they resume their places on the sofa, feeling refreshed and ready to continue their walk down memory lane. Brian hopes he can hold it together, and not come undone as he recounts his internal trauma. Justin senses Brian’s emotional struggle, so he pushes Brian’s legs apart and settles down between them with his back against Brian’s chest.

Brian lights the joint, and inhales deeply, letting the smoke fill his lungs and his mind relax. Feeling Justin in his arms comforts him, giving him the security he needs to continue opening up about that night.

“It seemed like hours as I knelt on the concrete holding you in my arms. I just kept praying, ‘God, please don’t take him away from me’.”

As hard as he tries, he can’t stop his emotions from taking over.

His body shakes as he whispers. “I was so afraid I’d lose you, and I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”

Justin looks up and runs his hand down the side of Brian’s face, running his thumbs under Brian’s eyes, wiping away his tears.

“Once the ambulance arrived, soon we were speeding through the streets with the sirens blaring. I sat holding your hand, whispering to you just how much I loved you.”

“They screeched to a halt outside the emergency room, and then you were gone. I was in shock, everything happened so fast. I was afraid to let you go. I needed to know you‘d be alright. I kept asking about you, but they wouldn’t tell me anything. I wasn’t a relative, so I didn’t have a right to know about your condition. It felt like they blamed me. Like they thought that I was the one who hit you upside the head with the baseball bat.”

Brian takes a deep shaky breath.

“Your mom and the police arrived shortly after that, and the inquisition began. But I couldn’t focus on their questions, beyond the fact that Chris Hobbs had struck you with the bat. I didn’t know why he did it. I just assumed it was because he was a homophobic asshole who hated fags.”

“I’m sorry, Brian. That was wrong of them to treat you that way. If it wasn’t for you, I would have died in a pool of my own blood. You saved my life!”

“I’m no hero, Justin.”

“You’ll always be my hero.”

Brian just shakes his head, unwilling to believe that.

“Soon I heard Deb’s voice echoing from the reception desk. She was yelling and screaming, demanding to know what was going on. Of course they had no problem letting her talk to the head nurse, finding out about your condition, and what surgery they were performing.”

His lips are trembling, as his anger from that night starts to surface.

“Then they were all there, sitting together, consoling your mom, and occasionally glancing at me. I felt their angry glares looking at me like I was the monster. Soon I was shunted off to the hallway, sitting by myself, covered in blood.”

“I could hear your mom crying in the waiting room. She just kept asking why and I wish I knew why. I wish I had an answer. But I was in my own state of shock, and as it hit me I started to blame myself.”

Brian’s now an emotional mess. Justin’s holding him close as all his pain resurfaces. He’s now lying in Justin’s arms, as Justin gently rocks him, comforting him.

“It wasn’t fair for them to treat you that way. There’s no excuse for that. They had to know that you were hurting just as much as they were, even more.”

“They needed a target and I fit the bill. I wasn’t supposed to be at your prom, therefore I must be the one who’s to blame.”

“Bullshit! I really hate them for being so cold-hearted, and uncaring. Couldn’t they see what you were going through?”

“I really don’t think anyone ever thought about me, or my feelings. They couldn’t see the fear in my eyes, or the rage behind them.”

Justin leans down and kisses Brian’s forehead, as Brian lays his head in Justin’s lap.

“Eventually Michael showed up. Emmett called him, he was at the airport about to board a plane for Portland. He tries to comfort me, but Mikey being Mikey really isn’t any help. He starts getting loud and angry, but not at Chris Hobbs. No. He’s angry with me. He’s outraged that I went to your prom. He can’t help reminding me that I refused to go to our prom. He always has to make everything about him, and him not getting what he wants. I’m pretty sure he was going to turn this all around on you, making it all your fault. But then he saw the look in my eyes and backed off.”

“I sat there all night by myself. Michael, Ted and Emmett would come over every once in a while and just sit next to me. I could hear them all whispering around the corner, speculating about my part in all of it. Melanie was practically ready to hang me by sunrise, and your mom was a complete wreck. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was. How I never meant for anything to happen to you. But she didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. She couldn’t even look at me. Of course I was still wearing my tux, covered in your blood. I’m sure it just reminded her that it didn’t have to happen. It wouldn’t have happened if I’d just stayed away.”

“You don’t know that! No one knows that except Chris Hobbs. He might have planned this in advance. It would be just like him to do something like that. He hated me. He hated that I was out and proud. I’m almost positive he’s a closeted fag, too afraid to admit he’s a homosexual. He’s a coward, so threatened by his own sexuality that he has to harm others to prove he’s a man.”

“Don’t let him upset you. He’s not worth the energy.”

Brian reaches for the ashtray, and relights the joint. As they get stoned they notice how quiet it is in the loft. Justin gets up and turns on the radio. Now music is playing in the background, softening all the harsh memories that are now washing over them. Coming back he grabs a couple of waters and they both relax on the sofa, this time facing each other.

“I stayed at the hospital right outside your room for days, hoping you’d regain consciousness. Michael brought me clean clothes, and the nurses let me shower in one of the empty hospital rooms. The only other time I left that chair was when I was outside smoking a cigarette. Michael, Ted and Emmett made Starbucks’ runs, and tried to get me to eat greasy diner food, but I couldn’t eat anything. Not even a turkey sandwich.”

“Late at night, after they had all gone home I would sneak into you room. I’d sit next to your bed and hold your hand while you slept, whispering words of love. I needed that connection. I needed to feel your touch, and know you were alive. To know I was alive.”

“The next morning Michael was getting antsy, he was bored sitting in the hospital with me. He couldn’t understand why I needed to be there. He never understood how deeply I needed you, or how much I loved you.”

“By the third day when you finally woke up he thought that my obligation to you was over. That I was done with you. Free to leave and never have to see you again. He actually thought that maybe, now that we weren’t together, that I might want to give it a try with him.”

“You’re fucking kidding me!”

Brian looks disgusted by that memory. “I didn’t understand until then how much he discounted my feelings for you. Or how deep his negative feelings for you were.”

“We had a huge fight. He stormed off to Portland, crying that at least David wanted him. That he just might not be available when I finally realized that it was him I needed in my life!”

“The thing is I did need him. But I needed him to be there for me as my best friend. I should have accepted that he wasn’t really my best friend right then and there. But after years of depending on each other, it was hard to see the reality of the situation.”

Brian wraps his arms around his Sunshine. “I could never let you go, not even when they all asked me to.”

“Well, thank God.”

“I went home that night, but it felt so empty in the loft and all I wanted was to get back to you. I tried to sleep for a few hours, but I tossed and turned. It was nearly impossible without you there next to me. So I showered and shaved, put on clean clothes and early the next morning I snuck back into your room. You were sound asleep. The sun was just rising and with it brought me hope. I leaned over and kissed your forehead, then the nurses came in and asked me to step out for a few minutes. They had to check all your vital signs and then the doctor arrived, but by that time your mom had shown up. She barely looked at me, but she let me stay when the doctor went over your condition and prognosis.”

“Then she kindly asked me to leave. She said that you needed to rest. That you didn’t need any distractions. She thought it was better if I didn’t come to the hospital anymore. She felt it was best that I left our relationship in the past. That you needed to move forward with your life, and she didn’t think there was any place for me in it.”

“I protested. I told her she was wrong. I told her we belonged together.”

“But the next thing I knew Debbie was there, and she led me away. She made it clear that I wasn’t wanted there. That none of this would have happened if I hadn’t caused a scene at your prom. She told me this was all my doing, and it was time that I left. I needed to let you recover in peace, to just stay away. Forever!”

“I felt gutted. She, of all people should have known that what we shared was real. But she had taken sides, and it wasn’t my side she was defending. So I left. I went home and started drinking. That was when my descent into hell began.”

“She had no right! My mom had no right! How could they think I didn’t need you? You were all I needed! I made that clear as soon as I was awake. I asked you for every day. I questioned why you weren’t there. I needed to know that you were alright. I needed that connection, just as much as you did.”

Brian pulls Justin into his arms and kisses him, holding him tight as all his long-suppressed memories and emotions wash over him in waves. He buries his face in Justin’s hair, loving the way he smells as it tickles his nose. Pulling back, Justin looks him deeply in the eyes, seeing the pain behind his tears. He runs his hand through Brian’s hair, and then their lips meet again telling him that everything’s going to be alright. 

“I spent most of my waking hours stoned, drinking and fucking. I barely made it into the office, and after a while Cynthia was having a hard time covering for me with Ryder. Finally I took a leave of absence. That probably wasn’t the best choice, although at the time it seemed like the only solution. But it only gave me more time to realize what I’d lost. I drowned my sorrows in drugs and alcohol until I was completely numb. I had sex with anybody and everybody, yet I didn’t feel a thing. I was on autopilot spiraling out of control.”

“Then on the rare occasion that I actually made it to the diner to have coffee with Ted and Emmett, they mentioned that you were being moved to the rehabilitation unit. That you were having nightmares, and you’d wake up crying and screaming. All I wanted to do was hold you, to be there for you so you’d know you weren’t all alone.”

Brian takes a deep breath, realizing that the time has come for him to come clean. Justin needed to know that he didn’t abandon him.

“One night I stumbled out of Babylon, realizing that I couldn’t keep going on the way I was. Maybe it was the cool breeze on my back, or the wet rain on my face. But whatever it was, it was a wakeup call. I got in the jeep and didn’t even realize where I was going until I found myself sitting in the hospital parking lot. I looked up at the building, and suddenly I couldn’t get to you fast enough.”

Justin’s surprised by Brian’s confession. Tears are steaming down Brian’s face, as his lips tremble.

“I found your hospital room, and the next thing I knew I was sitting next to you. You looked so frightened and helpless as you twisted and turned, shaking in your sleep. Just my touch seemed to comfort you. I kissed your cheek, and whispered to you that everything was going to be okay. That I was here now. You calmed right down, and fell into a deep sleep.”

“That was the beginning of my nightly ritual. No one knew I kept watch over you every night. If your mom found out she would have put an end to it. The nurses started updating me on your progress. You were getting stronger, the occupational therapy was helping and your fits of anger were lessening. But they kept telling me that they thought you’d recover faster if you knew I was there. But I couldn’t risk it.”

“So as you healed, I stopped sitting next to you. But I still came to see you every night. I watched you sleep through the window in your door. My heart went out to you when you’d subconsciously reach out for me, or call my name. Sometimes you’d get agitated having a bad dream. I wanted so badly to take you in my arms and just hold you. It broke my heart to stay away. Sometimes you’d look straight at me through that glass window, and I swear you knew I was there.”

“Brian… I can’t believe it. You were really there?”

“Yes. I couldn’t stay away. I had to be close to you. I had to know you were going to be alright.”

“I thought it was my imagination. I’d see you off in the distance, but I was sure my mind was playing tricks on me. But I wanted to believe that you were there for me.”

“I was. I always will be.”

“I asked for you, but my mom always said that I needed to focus on getting better. She made me feel like you didn’t care, that I didn’t mean anything to you anymore.”

“You’ll always mean everything to me, even if we’re not together. I’ll never stop loving you. I never have.”

“Even when I was with Ethan?”

“Yes. Especially when you were with Ian.”

“But why? Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I thought you knew. I tried to show you with my actions, because the words were so hard to speak. But you couldn’t hear me. I’m not even sure you could see me anymore at that time.”

Justin’s in shock, tears running down his face. Brian reaches out to comfort him, hating that all those memories of Ian have surfaced again.

“Oh Brian… How could I have been so stupid?”

“Ssssh… Let’s not go there. I can only handle one emotional confession at a time.”

Crying, Justin shakes his head okay. Brian pulls him into his arms again. Yep, he knew today was going to be hard to get through, but there’s still so much to say.

TBC…