Title: Heartbreaking Kisses…

Story Type: AU

Word Count: 4278

Warnings: Love, Passion, Romance, Angst, Anti-Michael…

Beta Queen: BigJ52

Banner: Predec2

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…

Summary: Brian and Justin’s journey of love…

Chapter Summary:  Brian and Justin confess their deep dark secrets they’ve been hiding for so long…

Just Kiss Me…

Chapter Twenty ~ Heartbreaking Kisses

Justin lies across their bed king size bed, smoking a joint as he watches Brian meticulously pack his designer suit, shirts, ties and shoes. He questions why Brian needs multiple pairs of shoes to wear with his suits, but far be it for him to understand the needs of a fashion queen. He’s reminded of his mom when he was younger and she’d take him shopping with her, picking out outfits and holding them up against herself while looking in the mirror. Yes, his husband is a fashionista, nothing but the best for him.

Once Brian is done packing his suitcases he lines them up against the wall of the bedroom. Then he takes Justin’s and opens it up to inspect Justin’s selections. He pulls out a pair of worn-out blue jeans then some faded t-shirts.

“Justin! This looks like you packed your dirty clothes.”

“They’re comfortable. I love those jeans.”

“No. Sorry. You can’t wear these clothes in Manhattan.”

Brian proceeds to dump Justin’s suitcase on the bed next to him and starts opening drawers, and pulling things out of the closet. He selects two nice pairs of jeans, one black, and one stonewashed light blue. Brian rifles through his t-shirt drawer holding up one after another, dropping them on the floor.

“These all need to be burnt, they’re horrible.”

“I paint in those.”

“Okay. Then keep them in your studio. I don’t want them touching my clothes.”

“Yeah. They might get diseased.”

“I’m taking you shopping as soon as we get to New York, your wardrobe is worse than I thought.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my clothes.”

“I can’t be seen with you wearing these rags. Everyone will think I picked up some rent boy down on the corner.”

Smirking, Justin replies, “I believe it was under a streetlamp.”

“We’re not doing the gay version of Pretty Woman.”

“Oh, wouldn’t that be fun! We are staying in the penthouse, right?”

Brian scratches his chin. “Listen, Pretty Boy, I have a reputation to uphold. They know me at The Four Seasons.”

“I bet they do. Up close and personal!”

“Behave!”

“I’ll tell them that you’re my rich uncle, or would you prefer Sugar-Daddy?”

“I see you’re in the mood for a spanking tonight.”

Justin bats his eyelashes, and rolls over on his stomach wiggling his ass.

Brian groans, as his pants grow tighter.

He quickly starts folding shirts, pants and sweaters, packing Justin’s suitcase. He already has Justin’s suit with his in his garment bag. He looks at Justin’s shoes and makes a face, then shakes his head.

“Yeah, we’re definitely spending a couple of days shopping to upgrade your wardrobe.”

“I bet you secretly played with your sister’s Barbie’s. Changing their outfits, and redressing them when you were young.”

“No. But I may have had a hand in dressing and undressing a few young boys in my youth.”

“And in my youth as well…”

“Yes, well your days of dressing like a homeless teenager are about to come to an abrupt halt.”

“Brian… I’m not that bad.”

“Well then, you’ll just be better once I’m through.”

“I guessing this isn’t an argument that I’m likely to win.”

“Don’t even try.”

“Now that you’ve sorted through and repacked my suitcase, are you planning on stopping by Emmett’s and reviewing his clothing choices?”

“No. But I’ll make sure Theodore gives them the once over. Teddy’s taste in clothing choices has greatly improved since he started working for me. He’s actually looking fashionable these days at business meetings.”

“How proud you must be.”

“You really are begging for a spanking, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Master.”

“Did you smoke that whole joint?”

Justin nods his head yes, grinning like a playful kitten.

After he finishes packing everything for their trip, Brian strips off his clothing, placing them in the hamper. Then he comes and sits on the bed next to his now naked and very sexy husband. He runs his hand down his back, loving how it dips and then curves over his perfect ass. Justin lets out a sigh, feeling Brian’s fingers caress him then pushing between his cheeks. Brian’s gentle touch is sending signals to his groin as he lifts up, making Brian’s finger dip further in, breaching his rosebud.

Brian squirts a dollop of lube on his fingers, and slowly circles his pucker, stretching him open. Justin’s now moaning, relaxing into his touch as he slides in another finger, fluttering them as he pushes deeper. Brian’s fingertip strokes Justin’s prostate as all those beautiful sensations start to vibrate through him.

Brian leans down, kissing and licking his neck, whispering how much he loves him. Nibbling on his ear, Justin shivers with anticipation loving how tender Brian is being with him. After all the drama earlier in the day it’s nice to take things slow, enjoying each and every touch. Justin turns his head and Brian brushes their lips together.

Barely audible Justin whispers, “Brian…”

Brian kisses his way back around his neck and shoulders, and then down his spine, as his hands glide down his sides. When Brian pulls Justin’s hips up until he’s on his knees, his legs naturally fall apart beckoning for Brian to fill him. Brian takes a moment to admire Justin’s backside as he coats himself, then slowly slides into his sweet prince until he’s fully embedded.

Moans escape Justin’s throat as his body adjusts and welcomes the intrusion. Soon he feels the slow pace of Brian’s hips as they start their magical dance. Each back and forth movement builds upon the previous one, and soon their bodies are rocking together as waves of pleasure start to resonate. They’re both lost in the rhythm as intense pleasure spirals through them, until they fall over the edge in unison. Afterwards they lie in one another’s arms as the stress of the day dissolves away, and all they feel is the love they’ve felt from that very first night together.

Once Justin’s asleep Brian quietly untwines himself from him, and heads to his office to check his e-mail and the art department’s progress on the boards for Dandy Lube. He answers Ted and Cynthia’s e-mails, and then checks his briefcase to make sure he has everything he’ll need for the conference. He grins, proud that Kinnetik is being honored for several ad campaigns, and he’s feeling positive that they’ll win a Clio. He’s also heard a rumor that Kinnetik will be receiving the Newcomer of the Year Award for the best new advertising company in the Eastern United States.

When he returns to the bedroom an hour later he finds Justin in full panic attack mode, hyperventilating uncontrollably. He flies across the room and wraps him up in his arms, rocking him gently, calming him, letting him know that he’s there now, and that everything’s going to be okay.

“Ssssh… Nice deep breaths… I’m right here…”

“That’s it… I’ve got you… You’re okay… Just breathe…”

Finally Justin’s breathing slows, and his tears start. He buries his face in Brian’s chest, as he tries to hold onto reality. Brian continues to rock him gently, rubbing circles on his back.

“That’s it… You’re doing great…”

Justin loosens his vise-like grip on Brian, as his heart rate slows down.

“I’m sorry…”

“No… There’s nothing to be sorry about…”

Justin’s lip trembles, as he ducks his head back into Brian’s chest. Brian was worried earlier, hoping that all of today’s revelations wouldn’t set him off. He kisses the top of Justin’s head and waits, hoping that he’ll talk to him. Yes, things have definitely changed between them. He now wants Justin to talk, and moreover, he wants to listen. He needs to understand what Justin’s going through, if they’re ever going to be able to get past all this.

“I feel so stupid…”

“Don’t. You obviously have unresolved feelings. Maybe if you told me about them?”

“I can’t.”

“I’m right here. You know you can tell me anything, right? Remember, no more secrets. We’re in this together.”

“But I never wanted anyone to know… I didn’t, I didn’t do it… And no one ever knew…”

Brian kisses his head again, and holds him tight, letting him know that he’s safe.

“Whatever it is, it can’t hurt you now.”

“I don’t want you to be upset with me, or to be mad at me.”

“I won’t. This isn’t your fault… Justin, please don’t shut me out.”

Justin takes a deep breath, wiping the tears from his eyes as he looks up at Brian.

“I was in a really bad place. I couldn’t cope with everything. I just wanted to escape, to stop feeling.”

Brian holds him close, pressing his lips to his forehead.

“It’s okay. I promise it’s going to be okay.”

“When I was in the hospital I felt so lost. I needed you so badly. I loved you so much.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I love you too.”

“Then when I came home, and I saw you. You said that I’d see you again, and I did the next day, out front of my mom’s condo. But then you left, you didn’t even say good bye.”

“Oh, Justin…”

“I had to see you, and it was so hard for me as I struggled, totally freaking out, being on the streets all alone. Then when I finally reached the loft, you… You didn’t want to see me.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“You just closed the door on me. I stood there calling for you, pounding on the door. But you wouldn’t talk to me, you just ignored me. I felt like I was dying. Then I had to walk home, even more freaked out than I was before.”

“Oh, Justin. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

“I couldn’t believe you didn’t want me, that you didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t believe that it was over, and I meant nothing to you.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“I do now. But then I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, and I couldn’t breathe.”

“When I got home my emotions were all over the place, and I wished I was dead. I felt so all alone, and my headache was becoming unbearable.”

“I laid on the bed feeling depressed. Then my eyes shifted to my nightstand, and I saw all my prescription bottles. There were so many. It would be so easy, and I felt so hopeless. It actually seemed like a totally reasonable thing to do.”

Brian’s grip on Justin tightens as he whispers, “Oh God, no, no, please, no….”

“My head hurt so much. I needed to turn off the light because it was making me nauseous. I tripped on the area rug and fell to the floor. I just laid there praying my head would stop throbbing. I tried to reach the night stand, realizing I missed taking my last dosage of meds. When I finally reached it, I couldn’t get the damn top off the bottle. I struggled and when I finally got it loose all the fucking pills flew all over the place. Then I just gave up and laid on the floor with my eyes closed.”

“I think I passed out from all the pain and when my mom found me she totally panicked. I’m pretty sure she thought I tried to OD. She started picking them up and counting them. She never said anything, but I know she thought it, and of course I could have very easily. Hell, I was going to, but seeing her panicked and upset I knew I couldn’t do that to her. But it didn’t make the pain in my heart go away, and I still felt like I wanted to die.”

“I don’t know why I dreamed about that tonight. But it seemed so real. I was right back there, and I felt so desperate, like I couldn’t go on without you. I could feel all the pain, and not the just pain in my head, but the pain in my heart. I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t come and bring me back home, back to the loft.”

Brian pulls him even closer, holding him tight.

“I’m so glad you didn’t do it. I don’t think I could have gone on if you did. I was barely holding on as it was.”

“I know, and it wasn’t your fault. I know my mom asked you to leave, and never see me again. But I still felt rejected, unloved and all alone.”

“Oh God, Justin. I never should have agreed… It’s just that I… I still felt like everything was my fault. I thought maybe she was right.”

“So why did you come back for me?”

“Because I loved you. Because she realized that you needed me. Because she asked me for my help. Because I was dying inside just like you were. Because I needed you, maybe even more than you needed me.”

“I’m sorry, Brian. I’m sorry everything fell apart. I’m sorry I lost my ability to read you, to understand you and to know what you needed.”

“Ssssh. It’s not your fault. I was an asshole, I treated you badly. I’m surprised you stayed as long as you did.”

“I’m sorry I left you. I regretted it the moment I did it, and I was too scared you wouldn’t take me back.”

“I was too proud to ask you to stay.”

“We really are quite a pair…”

“We were both totally fucked up at the time.”

“Justin, promise me you’ll never ever think about doing something like that again. Promise me you’ll always talk to me. That you’ll always let me know what you’re going through.”

“I promise.”

Brian just holds him in his arms, feeling like he never wants to let him go. The silence is almost unbearable, and then Justin asks the question Brian never expected to hear.

“Brian. Have you ever felt that bad? Felt like you didn’t want to go on. That you just wanted to end it all?”

Brian’s mind reels, but he knows he has to come clean. Justin’s telling him all his deep dark secrets, so it’s time he did the same.

“Justin… I think we’ve all felt hopeless and depressed at times. I’m no different. I’ve had my moments over the years.”

Justin looks up at him, and their eyes meet.

“But you never actually attempted anything, right?”

Brian turns his head, but Justin puts his hand on his chin and makes him look at him.

“Yeah. I’ve come close a few times. You know my childhood was totally fucked up. I used to think I would be better off dead.”

“Brian…”

“The first time I was pretty young, about six, and my parents just wrote it off as being a stupid kid. I hated being so frightened of my dad, never knowing when he would turn on me and use me as a punching bag. One evening I heard him coming up the stairs, walking towards my bedroom. I quickly locked the door, and hid under my bed. But his pounding on the door was so loud, and I just thought why not? So I opened the window and jumped, landing on the cement driveway. But it was only a two story house, and I just ended up breaking my arm and collarbone. The doctors at the hospital questioned my parents for hours, and of course there was hell to pay when we got home.”

“Oh my God! You were so young.”

Justin hugs him, a little shocked that a child would ever feel so helpless.

“The second time was about ten years later. You know about my coach. But I never told anyone that it happened more than just that first time. I was athletic, and played most sports. I was good, but it also gave me a way to avoid going home. I spent a lot of time with Steven, that was coach’s name. I know I was young, and looking back on it now, it probably was molestation.”

“But at the time it didn’t feel like that. It was the first time that anyone ever made me feel loved, or special. He paid attention to me, and I was so desperate for anyone to make me feel worthy. And the sex, oh God, the sex was great. I loved fucking and it made me feel so damn good. We carried on for two years, and I was in love with him. I thought he was in love with me. I was a dreamy eyed teenager, and I was a fool.”

“I was just a diversion for him, a sexual toy to play with and nothing more. He was married, and in the closet. I thought that he was going to leave his wife, and that we’d live happily ever after. Then one afternoon near the end of the school year, we were fooling around in his van at the local state park. Afterwards he tells me that he can’t see me anymore. That he’s accepted a new job in Harrisburg and he’s moving away the next week. I was panicked. I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. I felt like I was dying, and I couldn’t go on.”

“Of course I begged him not to end it. I called him, and pleaded with him. I told him I loved him, that I needed him. Then one day when I called I got a recording saying his phone was disconnected and I felt so abandoned. Being into sports I didn’t really do a lot of drugs at the time, but I knew a lot of kids and it wasn’t hard to get something. So one night I was alone driving my dad’s car and I decided to enter the expressway going the wrong direction, and it didn’t take long. The next thing I knew I was in the hospital. Amazingly I wasn’t dead, just really banged up, with both my legs broken and lots of bruises. They tested my blood for alcohol and drugs, and found Quaaludes in my system. The doctors wrote the whole incident off as teenage drug abuse.”

“Oh my God, Brian! I can’t believe you did that. I can’t believe you weren’t killed.”

“I know! It was the perfect plan, but I still screwed it up!”

“Brian! That is totally fucked up! Thank God, you didn’t die!”

“Ssssh… It’s okay, it was a long time ago.”

Justin shakes his head, totally distraught by Brian’s revelations. But he also realizes that this was a turning point for Brian, his first love broke his heart. No wonder he closed his heart off, and refused to allow his emotions to ever show. Thinking about it, Justin realizes that maybe the reason Brian was so adamant that they weren’t a couple, was that he didn’t want him to get hurt. He didn’t want him to go through all the pain he felt falling in love the first time. In Brian’s own fucked up way he was trying to protect him, as well as himself.

“Then the last time was just a couple years ago.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? There was another attempt!”

“Hey. Calm down. I’m okay now.”

“BRIAN! I can’t calm down!”

“Sssh… Do you want me to stop? Is this too much to hear?”

“No. No, I want to hear everything. I want you to tell me everything.”

“So, the next time I denied it was a suicide attempt. But looking back now, I realize that it probably was. I had some stupid ideas of what life should be, and how I should live. Of course you know all about that.”

Justin’s staring at him.

“Did we know each other then?”

“Yeah. I really thought at the time it was just sex, about getting off. I had heard all the rumors about how it was the greatest orgasm you’ll ever have. Blah, blah, blah…”

“Oh, God! No Fucking Way!”

“It was the same night as Mikey’s going away party, but of course I didn’t own a flannel shirt. So I couldn’t go.”

“Smart Ass!”

“I was drunk, and pretty stoned. Lindsay and I had been shopping, she pleaded with me not to move to New York. At that time I didn’t know the job offer fell through, and maybe that was one of the compounding factors. Well that and turning thirty, because back then turning thirty meant you were basically invisible to everyone. I had convinced myself that I wasn’t young and beautiful anymore. I was so superficial back then.”

Justin thinks, back then? But he has to admit that Brian’s grown up a lot since then.

“So I bought this beautiful white silk scarf, you know the one. I wore it to your prom. I climbed up on a chair and strung it over one of the beams in the loft. I secured it in place and tied a noose, placing it around my neck. I wasn’t very stable on the chair and I slipped while I was jerking off. Just then Michael came barging into the loft, demanding to know why I didn’t come to his party. He saw me, and got me down as I was gasping for breath, while being angry with him at the same time.”

“You fucking asshole! Christ, Brian! How could you?”

“Like you said. At the time I thought it was a reasonable thing to do.”

“I don’t know what I’d have done if you died. I probably would have killed myself too.”

“Don’t say that! Don’t ever say that!”

Brian looks away, realizing how devastating it would have been for Justin.

“Anyways, Michael in his mixed up and twisted mind thought I did it because I couldn’t live without him, that I didn’t want him to move to Portland.”

“Typical Michael, he always thinks everything is about him. But I have to give him credit for saving your life. It’s probably the only time his barging into the loft was a good thing.”

“Yeah, but at the time I didn’t think so.”

“So that’s it, right? You haven’t contemplated it since then, have you?”

Brian takes a deep breath…

“Almost…”

“Brian…”

“After you left… I, I had convinced myself that it was for the best, that I was no good for you. But when I’d come home the loft was so quiet and empty. I felt so all alone. I never thought that I’d allow myself to feel that way again, but my heart was breaking and I was so overwhelmed with losing you. I had been in denial about how much I loved you, and what you meant to me.”

“Then I’d see you with him, walking down the street, holding hands, laughing together. You looked so in love, and I just couldn’t cope. I spent so much time drinking and drugging, even going to the baths on my lunch hour, and in the evenings taking a dozen tricks to the backroom. But nothing helped the pain go away. I hated him. I still hate him. I’ll always hate him. I never understood what you saw in him. And I just couldn’t let go. I was so in love with you.”

“Of course, Michael and everyone just assumed I felt nothing. That what we had didn’t mean anything, and it was just business as usual. But I was dying inside every time I’d see you with him. After the first few weeks, I stopped going out. I just stayed home and drowned my sorrows in whisky and coke. Several times I passed out stone-cold. It was a fucking miracle I ever woke up. It was Vic who finally took me aside and told me to get my shit together. He helped me get through my darkest days, but my broken heart never really healed. I just learned to hide it better. Just another emotion that I buried deep down inside.”

Now Justin is crying uncontrollably, they hold each other letting all the pent-up emotions flow.

“Oh God, Brian! I hurt you so badly. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I fucked up big time.”

“We both did. We both made a lot of mistakes, but now you know everything. And you know what? It actually feels good having told you. I don’t have to carry it around anymore. So please don’t beat yourself up, and don’t feel guilty. It’s time we both forgave ourselves and let it go.”

“I love you, Brian. I love you so much!”

“I love you too. I always have…”

“So that’s it, right? No more confessions? No more conscious or unconscious suicide attempts?”

“Yeah. But it’s probably just the tip of the iceberg, as far as all the issues we need to get out in the open. But let’s wait until we return from New York before we have any more serious talks.”

“Sounds good, and Brian, I know how hard that was for you to confide in me. So thank you for letting me know. Thank you for trusting me enough, and letting me in. It really means so much to me.”

“Me too, I needed you to know. There’s so many things I should have shared with you before now.”

“You will. When you’re ready, you will.”

They’re both exhausted, so Brian lays down on his back and pulls Justin into his arms. They start kissing slowly, softly. It not sexual. It’s about the connection they feel as they hold one another, and all the love they share. Shortly thereafter, they drift off to sleep feeling safe in each other’s arms.

TBC…