Jennifer chastised herself for not listening a little closer to the conversation before interrupting. Her son was crying, again, and while Justin was a grown man and more in touch with his feelings than Brian, she knew this was horribly difficult for him. This time Brian was here, but he didn't understand why and he couldn't reach out for the support of his partner, the man who loved him more than anything in the world. She'd come to accept Brian as an integral part of her life as well as Justin's and to see both of them in pain was heart wrenching. Still she had to tread lightly while reassuring her son that his partner loved him without telling him that huge piece of information.
"Justin," she said as she sat down beside him on the couch. "He said he would come back tomorrow. Brian always is a man of his words."
Looking at his mom, Justin heard the sincerity in her voice and the truth to her words. Brian never said he would do something if he wouldn't. He was like that, truthful to the point of hurt sometimes. "Yeah, he is." Justin took his sleeve and wiped away his tear tracts and reached for a Kleenex and blew his nose.
He got up to throw away the tissue and looked around the unfamiliar room filled with pieces from his childhood. There was the cream sofa his mom had bought when he was 12 and she had strictly forbidden him and Molly to sit on, preferring only "the adults" use it. <i>I guess I'm an adult now since I'm allowed to sit on it. I just wish I had all those memories that made me an adult. He looked at the piano in the far corner filled with more pictures. </i> Walking over to the piano, he picked up a picture of his mother with a much younger man. They were smiling at the camera. "Where's Tucker?"
His mother tried to hide her surprise at the question, but inwardly rejoiced at this question. Tucker had come into her life several years after the prom, shortly before the bombing of Babylon. Did Justin make that huge leap in this short time? "He's at a teacher conference in Philly. He'll be back on Thursday."
Justin walked around the bottom floor of the condo, pulling open cabinets, drawers and looking at Knick Knacks on several shelves. He saw men's vitamins, a man's sweater on the coat rack and several bottles of Fat Tyre in the cupboard. "How long have you been together?"
"Almost 4 years."
Justin returned to the couch, putting his head in his hands and sighing loudly. "Shit! How am I ever supposed to remember all this? At least I seem to recognize the players in this bizarre game of <i>Justin's</i> life. I'm going to bed, maybe when I wake up this will all be just a bad dream and I'll remember everything."
"Okay, sweetheart." Jennifer leaned over and gave him a hug and kissed his forehead.
Justin stood up to ascend the stairs for a second time that day. "Mom...." He stopped after walking three stairs and turned around to look at Jennifer staring at the piano. "Can I ask you a question?"
Jennifer turned to look at Justin. "Sure. What do you want to know?"
"I know you won't fill in the last six years, but can you at least tell me if I was happy? Did I like my life? Will you tell me that much?"
Jennifer hated seeing the uncertainty on Justin's face. He wanted reassurance that if he remembered, it would be a life that he was at least enjoying. "Yes, Justin, you liked your life. You were happy and I'm sure you will be happy again." Walking to Justin as he stood on the stairs, she gave him a hug, thankful that he was alive and not in a coma like the last time he was injured. She hated seeing his pain and as all mothers in the world, wished she could magically make it go away. "Sleep well sweetheart, and I'll see you in the morning."
Returning to the main floor, she turned off the lights in the kitchen, checked that the doors were locked and then followed Justin up the stairs to her bedroom.
Looking in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, there was nothing familiar or vaguely familiar about this situation. <i> I'm not even sure if I've ever lived here. Mom showed me a room and said it was mine, but the room didn't look like anyone lived there; it was more like a guest room. I was in New York so that makes sense that I wouldn't live here.</i> But.... " Justin spit out the toothpaste and slammed down his hand on the sink. "FUCK... FUCK, FUCK!!!"
Startled by the sudden noise, Jennifer raced to Justin's room, hoping to find the room intact, not being destroyed by an angry young man. She remembered how frightened she had been to find Justin throwing his possessions at the walls and on the ground when she brought him home from the hospital after the bashing. She had realized then that she needed to bring him to Brian in hopes that he could help him. This time was different. Brian would gladly take Justin in, but as a result of the memory loss, it was not a good idea. "Justin, are you okay?" Jennifer yelled through the door.
"Fuck!!!" he muttered quietly. "I'm fine, mom. You can go to bed, I'll be okay... hopefully." He lowered his voice for that last word. He winced at the pain in his hand and decided sleep would be good. He at least didn't have to think while he was sleeping. His mother had put out the pills the doctor's had provided in the bathroom and had told him earlier that a sleeping pill had been prescribed if he wanted to use it. He'd been adamant earlier that he didn't need "a fucking sleeping pill", but now thought it might be a good idea. He read the label and took one pill as directed.
After shutting off the light, he walked to his room where he started to get undressed. He was down to his underwear and begun to take them off, but stopped when he got them half way down. <i>Do I sleep in the nude? It seems weird to sleep in my underwear, but even stranger to sleep in my shorts. <i/> He settled on keeping his shorts on and climbed into bed. Closing his eyes, he fell quickly asleep.
Bjbjbjbjbjbjbjbj
Brian left Jennifer's house and drove toward Daphne's apartment. According to the clock on the dashboard, it was only 10:00 and she should still be up. Hitting the blue tooth on his steering wheel, he directed the car phone to call Daphne.
"Oh, hi Brian." She answered after the first two rings, surprised to hear from him again tonight. "Is Justin still with you? I thought you were taking him to Jennifer's?"
"He's at Jennifer's."
She was gonna ask if he was okay, but there's no way he'd be calling her if he was. And given the situation... "Why don't you swing by? I'll be up for another couple of hours. We can brainstorm operation memory."
Brian toyed with turning the car around and drinking himself into oblivion but he knew that route wouldn't help his situation. Silently he cursed himself for making the call to Daphne, knowing that she would pick up on his need to talk about Justin. <i>Shit I am so fucking screwed. When did I turn into a cwazy wesbian? She knows me almost as well as Justin does. <i/>Walking toward her apartment, he felt a sense of déjà vu, but this time he was alone, unfortunately, very alone.
Knocking on the door, he questioned again if this was a good idea, but decided that Daphne was the most appropriate person for this conversation; after all, she'd been there when it happened, when everything had happened, all the ups and downs. Before he could turn away, she opened the door and beckoned him in.
She'd poured a glass of Beam for him and gave it to him as he settled himself on her green velvet couch. <i>Leave it to Daphne to have a green velvet couch. He remembered teasing her and Justin when they picked it out, but it really was very comfortable, not that he would ever admit to it. They had just come back from one of their all day shopping extravaganza's; buying all sorts of shit from Pier I and Ikea but they both oohed and ahhed over their "bargains" while he inwardly wondered how this man could be such a talented artist but such a poor consumer of material goods. He'd teased him about his "lack of decorating skill" but they had begun a tickle fest with him as the prime victim and he soon called a truce. They had gone out for ice cream and then he and Justin had returned to the loft where they enjoyed an evening of fucking. <i/>A small smile came to his lips as he remembered that day and evening, one of many wonderful memories that his partner could no longer enjoy and then he frowned at the current situation.
Daphne watched Brian as he alternately smiled and frowned in a matter of minutes and guessed that he was remembering things from his and Justin's past. "It's a good thing Tom isn't here. He might be jealous of Brian Kinney visiting me twice in one evening," she said deciding that levity would probably go over better than solicitation, after all this was still Brian ‘fucking" Kinney she was talking to.
Brian smiled at her attempt and raised his glass of Beam, downing it in one swallow and handing it to her to refill. "Justin was asking why I wasn't at the fucking hospital after the Prom," he said, ripping the wound wide open rather than skirt over useless words.
"And what did you tell him?" Daphne asked as she saw the unspoken pain in Brian's words.
"Nothing. Jennifer interrupted us and I left. Fuck Daphne! I'm here this time."
Daphne nodded and refilled his glass of Beam a third time, keeping silent count.
"I did go, but I don't think he knows that - or this Justin doesn't know that. Shit! It was hard enough when old Justin found out; he was furious with me but by that time, we were in a good place and he understood me pretty well so he just accepted that I was a major fuck up back then and we really didn't discuss it. New Justin doesn't really know me - now or then - and he's asking why I didn't come. I can't tell him."
Brian answered in a truly sarcastic manner, "Oh well you see I was a chicken shit coward and couldn't admit I cared for you. Oh and let's not forget that Mother Taylor didn't want to see my face as she blamed me for your injuries. And I decided that you were better off without me - and were too young and couldn't possibly know your mind so I just had to let you heal and stay away." Brian stood up and walked to the picture Justin was viewing earlier. Picking it up he fingered Justin's outline and left his finger on the space on his head where Justin was hit with the baseball bat.
After a few moments he put the picture down and turned toward Daphne. "How can I explain to Justin who I was then when he doesn't know who I am now? I don't want to scare him away. He's not very sure of my place in his life and I can't explain what we are now." Brian hit his hand against the wall by the kitchen. "FUCK! SHIT! THIS IS JUST FUCKING CRAZY!" Brian turned his back and slid down the wall, feet on the floor, knees pointed to the ceiling. He laid his head down between his knees, as he attempted to hide the tears that were falling down his cheeks.
Daphne's heart went out to Brian. She loved Brian; he was as much a part of her life as Justin. He'd been there for her countless times and now it was her turn. Not that she was here due to an obligatory feeling, but because she wanted to help.
She'd known Justin since kindergarten where they bonded over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They'd been the only kids who didn't want to trade their lunch that first day at school and it was an instant bond. They used to laugh at all the other kids when they wanted to trade lunches. By not trading their lunch, they had more time to play on the play ground, a much better use of lunch time than haggling over a stupid sandwich.
She allowed Brian some solitude, going to the kitchen and putting their bowls and spoons back in the cabinet from earlier in the evening. She wiped down the kitchen counters where a few dribbles of ice cream had splattered and put her lunch box on the counter to get ready for her busy day tomorrow. She quietly listened to Brian in the living room and when she no longer heard the muffled sobs, she returned and slid down the wall, sitting next to him.
As she waited for his acknowledgement of her presence, she tried to find an answer to his problem, but was as stumped as he was at this latest twist in their lives. How could honesty backfire? She would have never thought that changes in Brian's behavior (for the better) would ever be a cause for confusion and query. She was brought back to reality by Brian's quiet voice.
"Sorry about that," he said as he wiped his eyes with her shirt.
"No apologies, no regrets, Brian," she quoted him, using his famous words.
She received an upturned eyebrow and a small smile for her efforts. "I've changed for the better. I can't tell Justin what an asshole I was and have any hope of him falling in love with me again."
"He fell hopelessly in love with you after your first night together. What makes you think that this time will be any different?" Daphne touched his arm and gave it a little squeeze.
"Yep, he did. The little twat." He thought for a moment about that fact. Justin did fall for him, knowing then he was a complete asshole. Huh... maybe it could work again, honesty that is, not being an asshole again. Not only would that not work, but there's no way he could do that again, especially if - no when, he had to think when - Justin got his memories back. "I guess the truth is my only choice."
"There are always choices, Brian. Just look at this as a once in a lifetime opportunity to do it right the second time. Justin loves you, even if he doesn't remember that right now. You just have to be yourself. Don't change who you are now, but try to remember who you were then too." Daphne stretched her legs in front of her and leaned forward to stretch her back. "Want to go back to the couch? You old folks probably can't sit on the floor for a long time?"
Brian started to answer with a quick retort, but realized Daphne's desire to stop him from beating himself up both physically and mentally. "My clothes will have to go to the dry cleaners now; I'm sure they are so full of dust and who knows what else, they're starting to itch my skin."
"Right, Brian." Daphne got up and put out her hand for Brian to grab in order to pull himself to a standing position. "You're strong for a girl," he teased.
"I've been taking self defense classes. Some of my clients could get violent as they relive their traumas." She walked to the kitchen to grab two waters, deciding that Brian didn't need any more liquor and he was too polite to refuse her offer. She knew if he wanted to drink, he could leave here and go to Babylon, Woody's or back to the Loft or even Britin, but she would not be responsible for adding to his liquor consumption. Besides, she figured their little tête à tête had sobered him more than any amount of food or water could.
Brian brushed imaginary dirt from his pants and sat back on her velvet green couch. Twisting the water, he took two long drinks, almost emptying the bottle. He played with the paper, trying to find the corner so he could play with it. Playful comments aside, it was hard not to refocus on the reason he was here. "Truth," he stated, not sure where to go with that thought. "What is the truth?"
Daphne settled at the end of the couch and leaned toward Brian. "Everyone's truth is their interpretation. What is your truth?"
Brian looked at the water and drank the remainder of the bottle. "My truth then or my truth now?"
She was in therapist mode and knew she had to be careful. Therapy with friends was never a good idea, but she couldn't turn off the therapist in her just because Brian needed her. "The truth is truth."
"I couldn't admit to myself how I felt about Justin, so if you asked me, then, why I didn't go ...."
Daphne waited for Brian to continue but he just stared at the water bottle, attempting to take another sip from the empty bottle.
"I was fucking scared to admit to myself that I cared for him. Me, Brian Kinney, caring about someone was absolutely ludicrous."
"You didn't go see him because you didn't want to show you cared?"
"Got it in one." Brian got up to grab another water and returned to the couch. Opening it, he again drank one long drink finishing a third of the bottle.
"You say you didn't go because you couldn't admit you cared, but you did go, every night. Tell me a little more about that." Daphne encouraged as she made a triangle with her thumbs and forefingers.
They both recognized the therapist in her at that comment. Daphne wanted to take it back, but this was Brian, talking about Justin. No matter how it sounded, she needed to ask. Brian didn't even think of complaining, he couldn't think of a better person to play therapist with than with an actual therapist who happened to be Justin's (and his, in a way, since he's being honest) best friend.
"If I went at night, no one would know that I was there. I wouldn't have to explain my presence and I could watch his progress. It was the perfect solution- be there, but don't let anyone know." Brian looked at Daphne for any judgment but knew she wouldn't show any emotion.
"Your secret was safe. No one would know that you cared and "Brian Kinney" would never show he cared."
Brian nodded."But she found out."
"She?" Daphne asked, knowing it was Jennifer.
"Jennifer. The nurses told her I was there, but she still told me to stay away. She blamed me for the bashing." Brian tightened his fist and pounded his leg. The pain of his leg still less than the pain in his heart.
"And that ruined your plan."
"She didn't want me around him. I couldn't watch his progress. It killed me to go away, but if I balked then everyone would know I cared." Brian remembered the afternoon when he played catch with Justin in Jennifer's yard. She sent Justin inside and asked to talk to him. He didn't argue, just went back to his car like a child who'd been punished. It was a memory that stayed in his brain and unfortunately it had not lessened in intensity through the years.
"And the truth now is different than it was then?" Daphne asked as she watched his reaction.
Brian shook his head, no and said, "No. I still care for him. But now I tell him I care." Brian mouth upturned a little as he remembered the last time he told Justin how he felt and the resulting blow job he'd received.
"It's not that you didn't care then, but that you didn't want anyone to know you cared."
"Right. He knows how much I care now, but how can I answer his questions about before when he doesn't know me/us now?"
"You're afraid what he'll think?"
"He doesn't remember. I have to make sure that he trusts me." There had been periods in their relationship when trust was a huge issue. After the bashing, Justin didn't recognize Brian's feelings and actions and that did terrible damage to their relationship. When he first asked Justin to marry him, he had turned him down, thought it was because of the bombing. He didn't want Justin to think he cared just because he was in a car accident.
"Trusting you is important."
Brian fidgeted in his seat. He'd long ago finished his second bottle of water, but didn't want another. He wanted a cigarette, or wanted to have something to occupy his fingers and mouth, besides words. He crossed and uncrossed his legs and cracked his neck by rolling it around. Revisiting this short conversation, he rewound the answers in his head. He sounded like a fucking 10 year old. <i> I have this big secret that I don't want to share, because if you find out you might not like me. But see, you're my best friend and I don't want to lose you so I have to tell this big secret and I'm afraid you won't be my friend anymore. Blah Blah Blah. I really am emotionally stunted.<i/>
"Okay. I get it. I have to tell him that I was an asshole but that was then and this is now and I'm not that same asshole anymore."
"I can't tell you what to do Brian; that is your choice. But I will tell you that no matter what's going on now, no matter what you can or can't say, no matter how you think Justin might react, this is still Justin and he may have a drama princess moment." Both chuckled silently at that, because he would, they knew it. "But he will feel that you care, he'll be able to connect the Brian he sees now with the Brian he thinks he knows." Daphne stated this softly as she inwardly did the happy dance with her feet. Brian had finally grown up enough to admit he made mistakes.
"But he'll think I'm an asshole." This sounded repetitive to his ears, but it was still a thought that bothered him. He didn't care if he was an asshole, but he didn't want this new Justin to think he was still an asshole.
Daphne decided that "therapist" Daphne could return to her slot in her brain and friend Daphne could return to the conversation.
"Correction- You were an asshole- and sometimes you still are- but where Justin is concerned- ‘he was always on to you'. He saw through the Brian Kinney bullshit. I can't tell you how many times he told me ‘He sooooo lovesss me.' Admit it, Brian you love him." She said this playfully, but secretly wished he actually would admit this, she'd always wanted to hear him admit it, even if she knew it.
"Love is for heteros and Lesbians and last time I checked I do not fit into either of those categories."
Daphne shook her head in exasperation. "Men. And yes you may be gay, but you are still male. Last time I heard; you had a cock!"
Brian laughed. "Yes, I have a cock and unfortunately it may be awhile till I get to use it. I guess my right hand will be getting a good workout for a while."
"There's always Babylon or Woody's and Justin says the baths are always an interesting diversion." She play hit him on the shoulder, relishing the playfulness of her friend.
"Well...." Brian answered, not willing to divulge more intimate information to Justin's fag hag. He hoped that soon he would find Justin in his bed where he belonged.
Daphne yawned, and gave her friend a hug. "You okay?"
"No. But Justin isn't in the hospital and he's safe. I'll have to settle for that for now."
"So... you're going to talk to him? About the prom?"
"Yeah. I guess. Thanks."
"Operation memory will be successful. I know it will be Brian. Go home and get some sleep. Justin needs you, whether he knows it or not."
Brian smiled as he walked to his car. He'd figured out what to tell Justin about the Prom. Now he just had another 6 years of bad decisions to work through.
TBC.