The three men sat in the living room of Justin's small apartment.  Brian and Jake popped the tops of their beers and took a long draw while Justin played with the bottle, twirling it around and watching the condensation drops of moisture on the outside of the bottle.  Darkness had descended on the apartment and the street noises were the only ones heard.  Jake looked at Justin, noting his ease with Brian and the air of excitement in his body.  He'd only known Justin for about 18 months, but recognized the slight tenseness of his body.

"Somebody want to fill me in?  I'm getting so many vibes I can't decide if you're excited, disappointed, angry or what?"  Jake asked as he looked between Justin and Brian.

"Let's start with me.  I'm doing well.  I've recovered most of my memories.  I say most as I can't tell you what I don't remember if I can't remember it."  Justin grinned at the statement.  He'd never put his thoughts regarding the nature of his loss into words, except to say how frustrating it was and was pleased when he realized he was pretty comfortable in his life at the moment. 

"That's awesome.  I was really worried there when Brian called.  He was so worried about the accident and your memory loss. I can't imagine losing my memories. Not remembering my life would suck.  I know there have been some really shitty things that have happened in my life, but those experiences have made me who I am."  Jake took another drink from his beer and peeled the label back a touch.  "Now that you're memory has returned, when are you coming back?"

Justin sighed, but he didn't realize he took the deep breath.  He didn't understand why this conversation should be so hard, but he was finding it difficult.  He felt the adrenaline running through his veins as if he were starting to run a race.  He'd talk about the feeling later with Brian. 

"I'm coming back here, but I'm not coming back here."

"Ok.  That made no sense at all.  Care to explain?"

"Carol got some of my pieces into a show at Bretano's."

"Awesome.  I knew if you just had time to paint you'd be a success.  Guess your plan for getting more time to paint paid off.  So I can call Peter and tell him to put you back on the schedule."

"Not so fast," Brian said, unable to let his anger stew any longer.  "He is not and I repeat NOT returning to the birthday stripper gig.  EVER."  He slammed down his empty beer bottle on the small table so hard that it startled the other men.

"Whoa, dude.  Calm down," Jake said as he motioned with his hands, raising them above his chest and then lowering them to his waist several times. "I guess Justin never did around to telling you about that gig."  Jake looked between Brian and Justin seeing Justin shaking his head.

"No and if I had any idea that he'd been doing that I would have put a stop to it."

"Justin," Jake said as he looked at his friend, the look spoke volumes, and Brian could almost hear the silent communication.

"Yes, Justin.  I think your buddy Jake had encouraged you to tell me, but since you didn't I would love to know why you decided otherwise."  Brian's eyes bored into Justin, but his look did not appear to affect him.

"Brian," Justin said.  "You're not my keeper.  I really don't like your insinuation."  Justin hadn't really expected this attitude from Brian."

"If you hadn't been working then you wouldn't have been in the accident," Brian said, stating, what to him, was obvious. His voice had softened, but his frustration was obvious.

Justin recognized Brian's feelings of losing control and didn't say anything else.  He knew Brian needed to know what to expect in his life and his whole memory problems had brought up many situations and discussions that Brian probably would never have encountered.  He hoped they'd probably talk about it later, and lately Brian had been willing to talk. For now, it was enough that Brian was willing to support him so he could paint.   

"I get it, no birthday stripping.  But how are you going to have time to paint and get ready for a show working at the diner again?  One show will hopefully lead to another show and you have to have pieces in place."  Jake recognized there was more to the discussion then Justin was willing to share and he accepted Justin's right to privacy, although he really felt that Brian was blowing the whole birthday stripping thing out of proportion.

"I said I was returning, but things have changed.  We're getting a place in the art district.  I'm returning to Pittsburgh and going to paint there and only come here when I need to, which may only be once or twice a month, if that.  While I'm here I'll be visiting openings, attending gala events, talking to critics, and that kind of thing.  The majority of my painting time will be in Pittsburgh."

Jake listened for a few minutes and nodded his head.  He felt a huge sense of loss overcome his body and a chill ran through it.  Justin was leaving the city, leaving him.  How could this be happening?  They'd been friends since they met and he'd been one of his biggest fans.  They would spend a lot of their free time going to galleries and shows, plotting their future fame and fortune and what their lives would be like when they were household names.  He'd been cast in a new production, albeit far off Broadway, but still he was closer than he'd been and now Justin was going to have his work shown.  Sadness came over him as he grieved for a part of his life that he didn't realize was there. 

"Wow.  This isn't what we envisioned, but wow," Jake said with just a little enthusiasm. 

"Brian and I saw a realtor this afternoon and picked out a few properties.  I still need a place to stay when I'm here and Brian doesn't really like this place, too struggling artist for his taste," Justin said as he teased Brian.  "I'll be packing a few things to take with me, but most of the stuff here is going to be donated to Goodwill. Anything you want, feel free to take."  Justin stopped his dialogue and had second thoughts.  "I know you've always liked my apartment better than yours.  You could take over the lease.  I'd be happy to talk to the super for you.  That would save me from a lot of hassle."

"Thanks, I'll think about it.  You are in a better location than I am.  And you have hot water in the winter without yelling about it.  I'll talk to my roommate, Sam, see what he thinks, but I think he'll say yeah."  Jake eyed the little apartment with a critical eye of a prospective tenant and could see himself moving.  Justin did have some nice stuff, even if that Kinney guy didn't think so.  "So you're moving, like now as in today or tomorrow?" 

"Yeah.  Well, maybe not that quick.  Got to give notice to the super and arrange for pickup of the stuff, but pretty much in a few days.  But like I said, if you want the place, you can have it.  I'm sure, the super, wouldn't care as long as he has it rented."

"I'll talk to Sam tonight.  Since I still have your key, can we come by in the morning?  He works afternoons so he can play at the bar at night. Don't talk to the super until we get a chance to see it?" 

Justin nodded, and then smiled at the ease of the conversation, taking the way things were falling into place as a good sign, even though he really didn't believe in signs.

"Can I ask you something?"  Jake asked hesitantly.

"Sure."

"What changed?  I mean you seemed really happy with the way things were going.  The Stripper gig was going great.  You were working 3 maybe 4 nights a week and the rest of your time was yours to paint.  You told me you were painting a lot and had a bunch of canvases to show Carol.  Was it the accident?  Did you change your mind as a result of the accident?"

Justin finished his beer and placed it in the recycle container in the small kitchen.  He didn't understand why he hesitated in answering Jake's question, but he recognized the deferring tactic and it bothered him a little.  Returning to the living area, he gave Brian a quick kiss and then sat down.

"As I told Brian, I was ready to go back to Pittsburgh.  I had made up my mind; I wanted to go home.  I figured I could paint anywhere and bring Carol my slides.  I missed him a lot and while I could pay my own way, I'd been here two years and nothing was happening."

"So you were already thinking this before your accident?"

"Yeah. But then I lost my memory and Brian and I were dealing with the aftermath of that disaster.  I finally remembered I was an artist and I had told Brian I wanted to come back to the Pitts.  Then fate intervened and Carol called with the gallery offer."

"I'm not really understanding.  You were going to return to Pittsburgh since nothing was happening with your painting but now that something is happening, you still want to live in Pittsburgh.  Don't you think you would do better staying here and concentrating on your painting and being seen by the movers and shakers?"

Justin twisted his hands like Macbeth, realizing that he would have to answer this question multiple times in the upcoming weeks.  He recognized that Brian wasn't the only one who would need convincing or at least an explanation. 

"Two years was long enough.  I wanted to be with Brian.  My art is important, but I decided that I could paint anywhere and fly to New York when needed.  It's easier to fly to New York on a set schedule, then to up and come to Pittsburgh on a whim.  I was no longer willing to sacrifice my happiness for my art as sacrificing left me with huge gaps in life.  I need to be happy to work on my art and the only way for me to be truly happy is to be with Brian."  Justin looked at Brian as he finished his little speech, trying to read his expression and determine the impact of his words.  To his pleasant surprise, Brian smiled and gave a nod of his head at his impassioned speech.  Justin smiled at Brian, happy that Brian finally got his message."

"I think in the back of my mind, this surge of painting was my last chance, the opportunity to see if I could do this and then I was done."

Jake peeled off the label of his beer and twirled the bottle in his hand as he listened to Justin.  He looked between Justin and Brian trying to read each of them.  He knew Justin pretty well but had only met Brian twice, and both of those times were right after the accident.  There was something he was missing, but he didn't know what it was.

"Justin, that makes no sense.  You said you were going to give your painting one last chance and then you were going to move back, but now you have a part in a show and you're still moving back.  Which one is it?"

Justin swallowed hard and took another deep breath.  Looking at Brian for reassurance, he only saw a neutral face, deciding that Brian was waiting for an answer as well.  Brian might not push him as much as a result of his accident, but Jake really hadn't seen the problems he'd been dealing with lately.  Jake was going to treat him just like he did before the accident.

"Those might not be the right words.  I took the job because it gave me more money and then I'd have actual free time to paint.  But then, like I told Brian, once I had time, I lost a lot of my inspiration.  So much of my life prior to the new job had been thinking about finding time to paint and energy to do so.  Once I had time, I found it more difficult.  The return to Pittsburgh was not about giving me one last chance, but rather about realizing my priorities.   Most of the art that Carol has now are pieces that I painted when I was with Brian, not stuff that I did here.  I came to realize that time wasn't really the problem.  I could have all the time in the world and still feel a void where it came to my painting. Brian fills that void and when the void is filled, I can paint."  

Justin looked toward Brian first and watched him nod his head slightly.  Brian listened and appeared to understand Justin's thoughts.  Justin felt better, feeling the adrenaline dissipate in his body.  Hoping he had finally convinced Brian that his intentions were true and not some scheme to give up his dream of becoming an artist.  He looked at Jake and saw a similar look on his face and was pleased that it appeared his friend understood the situation.

"Okay then."  Jake nodded his acceptance, even if he still felt there was more to the situation than Justin was sharing.  "Promise you'll keep in touch.  I hate the idea of losing a close friend."

"They haven't gotten rid of cell phones or subways and buses.  I'll be here frequently and we can always talk or text.  When is the opening of your play?  I want to be here for that."  Justin hit him lightly on the arm, showing his camaraderie.

"The play opens November 20th."

"Great.  I'm sure I have to be in New York sometime around that period, so be sure to save me some tickets."

"That'd be great.  Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

"Look around and see if there is anything you want from my prized possessions.  But first, we need to grab some food.  I'm starving.  Want to join us?"

Brian smiled and laughed at Justin.

"I wondered when the topic of food would come up.  You haven't been fed in over 7 hours; that's a record for you," Brian teased as he stood up.  "Pizza?  I know there's a good place around the corner and I can get a decent salad."

"Coming Jake?"  Justin asked as he also stood up and walked to the door. 

"Sure. I didn't get a chance to grab anything before I left."

The three men shared a pizza and then Brian and Justin returned to their hotel.  Brian opened the mini bar and grabbed two beers and went to the sofa waving Justin over.  Justin grabbed one of the beers, popped its top and took a draw.

"I feel like ran a race today."  Justin yawned as he laid his head on the back of the sofa. "It must be all the adrenaline shooting through my veins.  I don't think the reality has set in."

"That was some speech you gave Jake at your apartment," Brian said, encouraging Justin to talk to him, a more common occurrence in the Brian Kinney repertoire than before the accident. 

"It wasn't a speech.  We talked about all of it.  Don't you believe me?"  Justin sat up from the back of the sofa and looked at Brian, trying to discern if he was teasing or serious.

"It's not about whether I believe you or not.  You're the one who has to believe in what you say."  Brian finished his beer, placing it on the table. Looking Justin in the eye, he said, "You told me you wanted to return to Pittsburgh to paint because you weren't creating quality pieces here.  It sounded like you were questioning your abilities to paint, especially with the new found free time you had.  Coming home was a solution to your problem."

"I finally had the time to paint, but my work's been nothing but crap."

"All artists go through bad periods.  Are you sure that wasn't the cause?" Brian was pushing but he would rather push now then to not address the issues at hand.

Justin didn't answer right away.  He stood up, walked around the hotel room and went to the window overlooking the New York skyline.  It was beautiful, magnificent in fact and part of him wanted to find his sketchbook to draw the scene, but another part of him knew this was not the time to do so. Brian's words stung. A feeling of dread came over his body, his heart felt like it was beating so fast as if he'd run a race.  He could feel the heat traveling to his face and the sting of his tears burned his cheeks.

"I knew you weren't okay with this.  I'm sorry." His world crashing around him as his dreams of having it all crumbled like the twin towers. 

Brian hated to see tears from anyone; they made him uncomfortable.  Gus' tears were always a result of some kind of injury, usually physical but sometimes emotional, whereas Lindsey's tears were usually emotional, and frequently used for blackmail.  But Justin's tears were heart wrenching to Brian.  Justin did not use his tears, they just meant he was experiencing very strong emotion, and tonight was no different. Brian chided himself for causing them.  He knew Justin was still recovering from his accident and his emotions were like a seesaw.  Again, he cursed silently realizing why he hated conversations.  He was always so much better at actions, but unfortunately, sometimes words were necessary.  Brian walked over to Justin and placed his arms around his chest, pulling his partner toward him and spoke in soft tones.

 "Sorry is bullshit.  Don't apologize. I'm fine with you coming home.  I just don't want you to have any regrets."

"What ever happened to no apologies, no regrets?"  Justin said between gulps of short breaths.

"A wise man taught me that both are sometimes necessary," Brian said as he grinned.

"But I forced you into a corner.  I told you I was coming home.  It should have been a mutual decision," Justin said as he wiped the tears from his cheek.

"Life is not a negotiation, Justin.  A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  I heard that from a very wise man, once," Brian said as he quoted Justin's words, hoping Justin would recognize them.

"So you're really okay with this?"  Justin recognized the words, his words and felt a surge of pride that Brian was quoting him.  Stepping back, he looked at Brian's eyes, knowing his words could say yes, but his eyes could never lie.

"Yes.  Why wouldn't I want the world's best bubble butt at my disposal and the latest up and coming artist living with me?  I would be a fool if I turned down that proposition and while my parents were assholes of the worst kind, they did not raise a fool."  Brian smiled as he teased Justin, hoping Justin would finally believe his acceptance of his choices. Giving Justin a kiss on the lips as he finished his statement, Justin could feel the love and acceptance of Brian's words in his actions.

"I love you," Justin said as he kissed Brian softly on the lips. "Let me show you how the world's best bubble butt can please the world's best top." 

Justin pulled away and walked seductively toward the bedroom.  Pulling off his shirt, he tossed it toward the chair, but missed.  Dropping his pants before he got to the bed, he yelled toward Brian, "World's best bubble butt on display- waiting for the world's best t..."

He didn't get to finish as he was tackled by Brian.

TBC