Cat and Mouse

Part 12

Justin turned the knob and pulled open the door of his mother's room. Down the hall he heard the creak of another door opening. He hesitated waiting to see who it was. Brian stepped into view and Justin felt his heart soar. The man was still here. He said he wasn't going to leave and he hadn't. They had both decided to come out of their rooms at the exact same moment. Was that somehow prophetic?

Brian watched Justin emerge from the safety of his mother's bedroom. He stared down the hall at the young blond. He felt his dick stir in his pants but more than that, he felt glad to see this boy, glad to be in the same building with this man. He wanted to take Justin in his arms and protect him from the things that scared him … including himself.

"Justin," Brian whispered.

"I'm here."

Brian could see the worry on the young face. "I'm glad. Come into my room and we can talk." The look of panic on Justin's face worried Brian. "Or, or we could go out on the porch," he added hastily noting the trepidation written all over the kid.

"Let's do that," Justin said breathing a sigh of relief. He wasn't ready to be alone in a bedroom with Brian Kinney, not yet, but soon. His dick throbbed at the thought and he could feel the color rise in his cheeks.

As Justin walked towards him, Brian extended his hand and felt Justin slide his into it. They started down the stairs hand in hand. It felt very good to have Justin's hand in his. It meant that he trusted Brian. It meant that there was still hope. Brian felt warm all over.

They went out onto the porch and sat in the swing. They stared out at the water afraid to look at each other. Neither said anything for a few minutes. They just moved back and forth to the gentle sway of the swing. Brian still had Justin's hand firmly in his.

"So, what do you think?" Brian asked needing to get things straightened out between them.

"About what?"

"About … us."

"Is there an 'us'?" Justin asked turning to look into the golden eyes that were so beautiful, that he wanted next to him all the time … from this day forward. Justin gave himself a shake. Where had that come from?

"What? What just happened?" Brian asked frowning as he looked into the troubled blue pools of Justin's eyes.

"I just proved to myself that I'm still a fucking idiot."

"No, you're not."

"How can you say that after what I blurted out at the beach?"

"You're not an idiot," Brian repeated.

"So does that mean that you're not an asshole?"

"I wouldn't go that far," Brian said with a grimace.

"I don't want you to be an asshole."

"You don't?"

"I don't."

"I could try not to be."

"You could?" Justin asked with a smile, brightening up at the prospect that Brian didn't want to be his old disreputable self. "You want to change?"

"I've been thinking about it."

"Do you think you could?"

"If I had the right incentive."

"And what would that be?"

Brian raised their hands that were linked together fingers interlaced. He nodded slightly towards their hands and gave that silly little grin.

"You want me to be your incentive?" Justin asked the smile widening even more.

"You already are." The smile got bigger.

Brian wondered if maybe this was all there was to this relationship shit. You said what you felt and it made the other person happy. If that was all there was to it, he might actually be able to carry it off. And it felt damn good on his end too.

"I … I can't believe you said that," Justin said his face growing serious.

"Why not? The fact that I'm even here is pretty goddam miraculous … and that's because of you … and Daphne."

"I know," Justin hesitated. "But I never thought you'd admit that I might be able to help you change. Hell, I never thought you would want to change."

"I never thought anybody would be able to make me want to change, but here I am. And I'm not half as terrified or as drunk as I thought I would have to be."

"You sure know how to sweet talk a guy," Justin giggled.

"What do you mean?"

"Any guy just loves to hear that the person they're interested in has to be terrified or drunk to be with them."

"Oh, I didn't mean it quite that way … but … you said you're interested in me?"

"I did."

"And do you mean it?"

"I'm sitting here holding your hand, big guy. I must have some interest."

"Just some interest?" Brian asked. Maybe this stuff wasn't as easy as he thought.

Justin sighed. He decided that he had come this far and now was no time to back off. Only the truth would do. "I'm going to be honest with you," Justin said slowly.

"That's good."

"You might not think so when I tell you what I have to say."

Brian felt a twist in his gut. He had always believed in being brutally honest with everyone, and he was trying to be with Justin. But the boy's words sent a spike of fear through him and all he wanted was to hear Justin say he wanted him.

"Just tell me. I can take it," he said with more bravado than he really felt.

"From the first moment that I saw you I have wanted you," Justin said softly.

Brian felt his heart soar once again. Maybe this was going to work out the way he wanted. "I … I felt the same way."

"You did?" Justin smiled. It was nice to be reassured.

"I did."

"But..."

Brian groaned. "I just knew there was going to be a 'but'."

"But you scared me," Justin soldiered on. He wasn't going to be sidetracked at this point. He had to get it all out.

"I didn't mean to. It's just the way I am."

"I know that now, but that didn't prevent me from running from something I wasn't sure I could handle."

"I think you can handle anything," Brian said looking once again into Justin's eyes.

Justin smiled. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it's not true. There are a lot of things I'm afraid of."

"And I'm one of them."

"Yes, but let me explain why."

"Sure," Brian said resignedly feeling like Justin's words would create the reality of the doom that he felt was coming. This was never going to work.

"I was attracted to you from the moment we met."

"When I snuck up on you?"

"Yeah, and you scared me so I ran."

"Daphne says that you run a lot," Brian felt compelled to point out. He didn't want to be the only thing that Justin ran from.

"She would tell you that," Justin said with an edge to his voice, but then it softened. "I guess it's true though."

"So go on," Brian encouraged when Justin didn't say anything more.

"After we met a few times, especially after the bookstore encounter, I found myself liking you more and more."

"Liking?" Brian asked.

Justin blushed. "I liked talking to you. You're smart and funny and interesting."

"And that's it?"

"What? You want me to tell you how gorgeous you are, how sexy?"

"One can never hear too much of that," Brian smirked.

"I wouldn't know," Justin chuckled.

"You are, you know." Justin raised an eyebrow. "Gorgeous and sexy," Brian added.

"You think so?" Justin wanted to hear more and he flashed his sunshine smile.

"Absolutely," Brian said wondering why he was saying these things. It sounded positively lesbianic and he certainly didn't do lesbianic.

"But…"

"There's that but again, and not the butt I want."

Justin blushed. "See, that's exactly why you frighten me. Everything with you is sex."

"What else is there?"

Justin thought for a moment wondering how he could explain this to Brian. He slowly raised their hands that were still linked together. He nodded at them and gave the same kind of little grin that Brian had given him.

"I'm not sure exactly what you mean," Brian said honestly.

"When you showed me our hands, you said I was your incentive to change and maybe you were ready to do that." Brian nodded. "When I look at our hands joined together," Justin said raising them so they could both clearly see them linked. "I feel safe and wanted and … loved." There! He had used that damn word once again.

Brian held his breath. He was afraid that Justin was going to say something like that. He wished he had some flip, patented answer to hand back. But he didn't know how to respond to that statement. Should he tell Justin that he didn't believe in love? He didn't know what to say so he stayed silent staring out at the water and not looking at Justin.

Suddenly he felt Justin's hand pull out of his. He turned to look and saw tears on Justin's cheeks. He had let the boy down and that was the very thing that he had been trying so hard not to do.

Justin moved away to the door of the B and B. He reached for the knob to go inside. Suddenly he turned, tears still falling, and said softly, "I think it would be best if you went back to Pittsburgh. We're done here."

Brian watched Justin disappear through the door. He made no move to follow. He didn't think there was any point. What could he possibly say to Justin? He couldn't declare undying love which was what the boy seemed to want, because he didn't even believe in fucking love. That seemed to be the only thing that Justin wanted at this point. That and his cock! He knew the boy wanted that, but it was all the other stuff he wanted as well that made Brian's insides churn. He couldn't, no he wouldn't, promise any of that. It wouldn't be true and it wouldn't be fair to either of them. It would be a recipe for disaster.

Maybe it was better this way. He should go upstairs and pack his bags. If he left now, he could probably be in Pittsburgh by midnight or thereabouts. He would have time to make an appearance at Babylon and get his dick sucked before he went to the loft. And fuck, he needed his dick sucked! How many days had he been here? And one fucking blowjob on the beach was all he had to show for it.

But what a blowjob it had been! Brian frowned. He wished he could identify what it was about Justin Taylor that made him different from every other trick he had ever had, different from every other man he had ever known. In spite of Justin's words and the fact that the boy had told him to go away, he still wanted Justin. And he realized he wanted Justin in much more than a sexual way. That would always come first, at least it always had where he was concerned, but this new thing about talking and laughing and enjoying each other. He had never had that before. Even Michael had lacked in that department. Justin was fun and intelligent and interesting. Hadn't the boy said the same things about him?

With a sigh Brian stood and stretched. His back was already feeling the effects of the long drive back to Pittsburgh. Nothing like spasms of anticipation! He headed into the B and B deciding that there was nothing more for him here.

Justin ran up to his mother's room wiping the tears away as he did. He would have to stop this nonsense. Brian Kinney was not for him. The man could not or would not give him what he needed so the best thing was to forget about him totally. He would put the handsome executive out of his head and his heart. He could do that if he tried … really tried hard.

He went into his mother's room thankful that she seemed to be out for the afternoon. Wherever she was he hoped she didn't need her room for a while. He needed some time alone and this was the only place he could get it unless he went back to the fucking attic. He threw himself across the bed and let the last tears take over. He lay there for a long time feeling sorry for himself, wondering if this was what his life was going to be like from now on. He was never going to find someone to love. They either had to be anonymous tricks or casual acquaintances. Nobody was willing to take a chance on getting to know him or to love him.

Justin rolled over and looked up at the ceiling. He wiped the tears away and sucked in a breath. He needed to talk to somebody, and even though Daphne had been the perpetrator of this disastrous weekend, she was the only one he could talk to about it. He picked up the cordless and dialed her number.

"Hello?" her voice came over the line.

"Daph," he managed to choke out.

"Justin, is that you? What's wrong?"

"I had a talk with Brian and he's going back to Pittsburgh."

"He is? Couldn't you sort anything out?"

"Guess not. He doesn't want the same things I do. It's hopeless."

"I'm really sorry, Jus. I thought you two were meant for each other."

"So did I … for a while. We had a really good conversation this afternoon, and I thought Brian was going to tell me that he wanted some kind of relationship. But then … it was like he chickened out or thought better of it … or something."

"Tell me what happened," Daphne said frowning. Couldn't these idiot men get anything right? She still believed Justin and Brian belonged together.

"There's not much to tell," Justin began. "We both came out of our rooms at the same time, right after I talked to you."

"And…"

"Well, it seemed kind of prophetic that we stepped into the hall at the same moment."

"Yeah, it does."

"I took that as a good omen."

"So what went wrong?"

"Some good stuff came first. I guess that's why I'm so upset because I thought things were going so well. He held my hand and said that he might be ready to change. He said I was his incentive to change."

"No shit? That's big, Justin, very big."

"That's what I thought."

"So why are we having this chat if that's what he said?"

"I told him I need to feel safe and wanted and … loved. That's when he couldn't respond. As soon as I said that word he froze again and wouldn't look at me. He doesn't love me and he never will. I don't think he even wants to. I told him he better go back to Pittsburgh."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything. He just stared out at the water and let me walk away. It's over."

"Where is he now?"

"Probably packing or maybe he's already gone."

"You should go find him. It sounds like you need to clarify exactly what you want out of a relationship."

"I told him what I wanted, but that's not what he wants," Justin said with a touch of anger. He had done everything he could, and it wasn't enough.

"Maybe he doesn't know what he wants, or maybe he needs some time to get used to the idea of a relationship," Daphne said hopefully.

"I doubt it. He wants me … but only for sex. That's all. I can't do that with him. I really do love him, Daph. I want more than that."

"Couldn't you go ask him if he might want more too?"

"I can't. It's too late. I've done all that I can. He just doesn't want me like that."

"I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't mean for you to get hurt."

"I know."

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Welcome me back when I return in a couple of days and then keep Brian fucking Kinney away from me."

"Will do, and I'm really sorry."

"Bye, Daph, see you soon."

Justin set the phone down. That had done a lot of good. At least Daphne knew what had happened and maybe she would keep her nose out of his affairs from here on out. Affairs, he shivered thinking that that might be all he ever had to his life. A guy here and one there and nobody permanent. And what really hurt was that Brian hadn't even been willing to try.

With a resigned sigh Justin sat up. He wondered where his mother was. It was already after seven and she should have been calling him for dinner unless she was under the faulty assumption that he would be going out for dinner with Brian. He decided to go down to the kitchen and see if she was there. She would eventually find out what had happened, so he might as well just tell her and get it over with.

He walked down the hall pausing at the door to his old room. He wondered if Brian might still be in there. He listened but didn't hear anything. He was tempted to knock and try once more, but his better judgment told him to leave it alone. A clean break was probably better in the long run. He continued on to the stairs.

His mother was going over some papers at the kitchen table when he came through the door.

"Hi, honey," she said in a gentle voice giving him a sad look. "How are you?"

"All right, I guess. Why do you ask?" Justin wanted to know wondering what she may have overheard or found out.

Jennifer sighed. "Brian settled his bill and left about an hour ago," she said knowing that Justin probably didn't want to hear that.

"Good," Justin retorted.

"Good? I thought you'd be upset. He seemed to be, but he wouldn't tell me what was going on. Just said he had to get back to the city for some business problem."

"I hope he can solve his problem," Justin said enigmatically. Brian had already solved Justin's problem by leaving. He wouldn't have to deal with the man anymore.

"Would you like some dinner? There's some salad and chicken in the fridge."

"Um … suddenly I'm not very hungry. If Brian's gone, I guess I can have my room back. I think I'll go lie down for a while."

"Sure, honey. If you get hungry the food's in the fridge."

"Thanks, mom," Justin said giving her a kiss on the cheek. He could always count on her unlike some people.

"Oh, I haven't had a chance to change the linen in your room yet."

"Don't worry about it."

"You know where everything is if you want fresh sheets."

Justin nodded and left the kitchen. He went up the stairs stopping in front of his door. Slowly he opened it half expecting to see Brian standing there. But he wasn't. The room was empty, emptier than it had ever been. Justin closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed. He lay down on his usual side pulling one of the pillows out from under the bedspread. He held it tight across his chest and leaned his face into it inhaling deeply. He could just make out the faintest scent of Brian. The tears started once again.