JUSTIN

“So, like the whole marriage thing is rocking along, but, like everyone around us has been raving about ‘couples counseling’ and this ‘boot camp’ thing. Apparently, paying other people to listen to couples bitch about each other is their idea of fun, and hiking your problems away makes you closer. Marco and the PJ’s even went to group therapy for their pets, who fight with each other at every meeting. Why they expected cats and dogs to get along is anyone's guess.” I tell Leo.

“Justin, I'm sure Leo wanted to see the boards he came to see.” Brian tells me, and yeah I'm sure he does, but he looked ready to fall asleep, and that didn't seem like a way to win a campaign.

“I never got the whole ‘paying someone else to solve your problems’ thing. All it leads to is paying more when the problems are still there, only now they think everyone wants to hear about it.” Leo tells me.

“They think it brings you closer, telling someone else, instead of telling the person you chained yourself to for life.” Brian tells him.

“See, you get it. Michael started acting like Brian and I like need therapy because we don’t really fight about anything. Well, maybe the whole kid thing, but that was only because for some reason I started to wonder if I wanted to try the whole ‘raise a kid’ thing. Having Gus works for us, and sometimes I think having another one could be fun, but then Brian would have to deal with two babies instead of just me.” I tell Leo.

“Do you want to have kids with Justin?” Leo asks Brian.

“It would be better than another cat or skunk.” Brian grumbles.

“Please, BJ is so totally Brian’s. Which was sort of a miracle since Brian never wanted her.” I tell him.

“Justin, Leo has a plane to catch, so can you show him the boards?” Brian asks me.

“My wife got a cat, yet somehow, it thinks if I'm there my lap belongs to him.” Leo tells me, showing Brian that Leo was happy to talk to me.

“My cats only like Brian because he like, keeps them in catnip.” I tell him.

“Well, I need to catch my plane, but let me know how the couples camp goes for the others.” Leo tells me.

“What about the campaign?” Ted asks.

“What about it? Brian knows what he's doing, so it's a given I was signing. Justin and I were just catching up, since I was here. Normally we talk on the phone, and he already sent me the proofs, so I just came to find out the new gossip and help him get his trip to Florida.” Leo tells them, walking out.

“I'll email you all the exciting stuff.” I yell as he leaves. “What?” I ask. when Brian hit his head on the table saying ‘why me?’

Okay, so like here's the stuff that Leo and I sit around on the phone at night trying to puzzle out. One - why, because Mel, Lindsay, Michael, and Ben all decided marriage counseling was for them, did they think Brian and I needed it? Two - have they forgotten that Brian tends to just tell you straight to your face when he like has a problem with you. And Three - why does Brian like want a baby now, when I got over the whole thing when we had to listen to JR screaming all the time?

I sort of wanted to do the couples camp weekend they had planned, but only because they were going to a retreat in Florida. Hello, why would you go there unless it was to tan, and well, some people like fishing, but I got over that when I found out they massacre the pretty fish. Brian told me if we wanted to vacation, going with the moron quads wasn't it. I even got Emmett to join in the crusade, because we’d like to be there so there's truth in our gossip.

So I told Brian if Leo signed for five years then I like, deserve a vacation. Since Leo and I became like phone friends, I knew Brian would lose. Which he grumbles that I vacation when I'm working. He even still gets pissy when I leave to go check if Joe still has his job at Starbucks. I mean, I had like charts and everything to explain to the district manager, if it wasn’t for Joe, I'd still be using Satan and the Lighters to entertain the masses. Instead, I bring people to Starbucks to watch Joe flip out when I make coffee for everyone. The district manager saw the sales increase and decided to keep Joe. Only, Brian started thinking a kid would keep me out of trouble.

Which at first I thought was a joke, but then he like comes home with pamphlets about adoption and surrogacy. I keep telling him it would upset our other children, they expected the attention to only be on them. I sort of worried when we went to a clinic, but it seemed like Brian was just wanting to play doctor, you know, complete with a clinic.

“Justin, pay attention.” Brian snapped his fingers in my face.

“What?” I ask, when he and Ted stare at me.

“I said you get to go to Florida.” He tells me.

“I need to call Emmett.” I tell him, trying to leave.

“Hold on. While you were off in Justin land, I told you the condition.” He tells me.

“Duh, me naked.” I tell him.

“Which is a given, but no, we're going to couple camp.” He tells me.

“Well of course, Emmett and I both wanted to go.” I tell him. “I mean we like wanted to laugh at all the couple building events.”

“Both of you can laugh while you do them. It will be fun.” Ted tells me. Yeah, like teeth being pulled.

“Why would Emmett and I need to do them?” I ask.

“Because Drew and I both want something you and Emmett aren’t willing to agree to.” Brian tells me.

“Seriously. You really think you could handle the spawn I'd produce. Think hard about the saying ‘your kid is payback for everything you do’. I mean, I get you can't see it because Gus is like all perfect, but I doubt we could say that with my spawn.” I tell him.

“If you felt that way then why did you donate when we went to the clinic?” He asks.

“Um, I thought you just wanted to sex me up someplace new.” I tell him, scratching my head to remember if… “Wait, you mean that cup wasn’t just something kinky!” I yell.

“No, it was what I told you when you told me you needed me to help you because straight porn gave you nightmares. That we were going to have a baby. I decided to get all your dramatics over before our daughter arrives.” He tells me, as Ted snickers at my husband tricking my ass again.

LATER THAT DAY AT THE WAR ROOM (Otherwise known as Starbucks)

“A baby isn't the end of the world.” Blake tells me.

“So if Ted came home, hijacked your sperm, then nine months later shows up with a baby and says ‘surprise’!, you're cool with that?” I ask.

“Okay, so it was a bit underhanded.” Blake concedes.

“What does Drew want?” I ask Emmett.

“To get married. I’ve sort of been putting it off.” He tells us.

“Why? I thought that was like the whole purpose when you squealed yes.” I tell him.

“His mother hates me, since he was perfectly straight before meeting me.” Emmett tells us, rolling his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell Drew?” Blake asks.

“Because when he's around she's little Ms PFLAG.” Emmett tells us.

“We should introduce her to Satan.” I tell him.

“Until then we're stuck at this boot camp. I sort of saw us making fun of everybody, not being the joke.” Emmett tells me.

“I'm trying to figure out how Ted got out of going. Brian always makes Ted suffer with him.” I pointed out.

“Ted and I talk and agree before we do things.” Blake tells us.

“So, you like the new penis car Ted bought?” Emmett asks.

“It’s not a penis car, well it sort of is, but hey, even I’m a little jealous that he got a Jag. Brian refuses to buy me anything without outstanding safety ratings. Which is Emmett’s fault, because of the whole wall versus car thing.” I tell them.

“I’ll talk to you both later.” Blake says, as he walks out looking pissed.

“You two did that on purpose.” Joe tells me.

“Of course. If we’re stuck building a hut, than Ted gets to be there being miserable with us.” Emmett tells him.

“It would be more fun if it was a competition to see who does everything better. You know, like Survivor.” I tell Emmett.

“Baby, I only wanted to get away from Drew’s mother. Now I’m thinking we should build a boat, because we're going to be stuck on the island with Gilligan, the Skipper, Ginger and Maryann.” He tells me.