-Justin took a deep breath before he opened the heavy metal door to the loft. He had been caught out. Brian knew about his thing with Ethan. He knew. And he decided to show Justin in the most brilliant way he could think of; by showing up with Ethan at the diner while Justin was working. Justin was stunned. He didn't know what to say when Ethan stood up abruptly and stormed out of the diner. Brian just sat there with a smug look on his face. Shit.

Justin had been practicing what he was going to say to Brian when he returned home, but every rehearsed word was erased from his memory the moment he stepped inside the loft. 

Brian didn't look up when he heard Justin come in and walked over to stand in front of his desk. He held up his hand to gesture Justin to wait when he said his name, asking for his attention.Justin's heart sank a little at the gesture. I guess I deserve that, he thought, feeling guilt and humiliation sit in the pit of his stomach.  

After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, Brian lifted his head to look at his deceitful lover expectantly. This'll be good, he thought.

"I'm sorry", Justin said without hesitation. And he was. "What for?", Brian asked, almost dismissively, fidgeting at his desk. Asshole, Justin thought. "You know what for", he insisted. Brian just looked at him.

"I didn't mean for it to happen", Justin confessed. It was true. He had never meant to become involved with someone else. But he had felt so alone, unappreciated, and even unwanted, lately. Usually, he never felt these things with Brian. In recent weeks, however, Brian's behaviour pushed these thoughts and feelings right into Justin's mind. Brian made he feel like he didn't care anymore. Like he was being taken for granted. He never knew what Brian was thinking. Because he never told him. So, when a man who openly shared his feelings towards the young blonde so romantically and simply, he couldn't help but fall into his arms. He just hadn't planned on it going as far as it did.

I know", Brian mused. "You were the poor hapless victim of a love bashing", he went on, sarcasm oozing through his voice. "I should have told you about it", Justin said, ignoring Brian's mockery. "And taken all the fun out of it?", Brian said, giving a small laugh at the beginning of the sentence.

Justin had nothing to say to that. Is that really what Brian thought it was all about? Just a fun game to play under his nose? Justin was hurt that Brian would think so little of him to believe he would actually do that to him. But Brian was far from finished.

"So, how big's his dick?", he asked, stunning Justin even further. He wasn't a slut if that's what Brian was insinuating. He couldn't believe Brian would even hint at that. "That has nothing to do with it", he countered, feeling insulted at Brian's words.

"Since when?", Brian asked, standing up. He walked over to Justin, standing close to him. So close, it made Justin feel a little uncomfortable, considering the nature of their conversation. "You love cock", he continued, placing an unreturned, unappreciated kiss on Justin's full lips, making him frown. He felt himself getting a little disgusted with Brian's current behaviour.

Next, Brian unbuttoned Justin's jeans and slid his hand down, grasping the blonde's impressive cock in his hand. "You love it down your throat, you love it up your ass. You loooove riding it", Brian said in a quiet, seductive voice. Justin closed his eyes as Brian spoke, trying, and failing, to ignore his boyfriend's hand on his half-erect cock. Shit head, he thought, opening his eyes. Brian leaned his face even closer to Justin's and whispered, "And after you come, you love to fall asleep with it still inside you."

Justin had had enough. "Cut it out", he said. Ignoring his demand, Brian continued to squeeze Justin's cock in his hand. Justin grabbed ahold of Brian's wrist and gave it a few tugs. "Cut it out", he repeated more sternly, finally managing to get Brian to pull his hand out of his pants. 

"You're hard", Brian stated, putting his hands on Justin's hips and pulling him into him. "So, don't tell me it doesn't matter." He let go of his hold on Justin and turned his back to waltz over into the kitchen. Justin watched him open the fridge and look inside. "There are other things", Justin insisted, hurt now clearly displayed in his voice.

"Flowers? Picnics? Violin music?" Brian asked, sarcasm returning to his tone. "He loves me", Justin announced. Brian froze for a moment. He closed the fridge door and turned to walk over to the kitchen counter Justin was standing behind. "Your dreamy-eyed school boy?", he goaded, placing his hands on the counter infront of him. "In ways that you can't", Justin said, feeling his heart begin to ache. All he wanted was for Brian to talk to him. Really talk to him. Tell him how he really felt, so he wouldn't have to guess.

"In ways that I won't", Brian corrected. But that wasn't any better. It was all bullshit, and Brian knew it. It wasn't that he couldn't love Justin they way he wanted. It was more of an issue of would he? And why not? Why did it have to be as hard as Brian was making it out to be. He didn't know. However much he wished he knew, he simply did not.

"He told me that I'm all he wants", Justin tried. Brian huffed, skeptical. "They're still using that one?", he asked. He couldn't believe that Justin would buy into shit like that. Was he really that naive? "It's more than you've ever said", Justin pointed out, feeling himself starting to get chocked up.

Brian stepped around the counter and moved over to stand as close to Justin as he had earlier. He placed both his hands on either side of Justin's pale, blonde head and stepped in even closer. "So, uh...what the fuck are you still doing here?" he whispered directly into Justin's ear.

Justin brushed his hands against Brian's upper back. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat before he spoke. It was all he could do not to cry. But he couldn't cry now. He wouldn't. Not infront of Brian.

Although, he couldn't figure out what Brian meant. Was he saying he didn't want him here anymore? Was it an invitation to leave? Or a demand? Justin decided to give the stubborn man one last chance to own up to his feelings. That is, if he had any. Surely after all this time he felt something. Taking a second to suppress the emotions of sadness from his voice, Justin asked Brian tentatively, "Would you care if I wasn't?"

Now it was Brian's turn to be silent for a moment. A number of seconds seemed like a lifetime as the two men stood perfectly still. Brian removed his head away from it's place next to Justin's ear and looked him directly in the eyes. His hands remained on either side of Justin's head. What did he expect Brian to say? Did he expect him to start bawling and collapse into his arms and confess his undying love for him. Did he expect him to grovel, to beg him to stay? Because if that's what he expected, Brian was not about to give it to him. It was far to pathetic. If he wanted to go, he would let him go.

If he was honest, Brian would most definitely care if the sunshine of his whole God damn life left him. He did want him in his life. The issue was, however, that Brian simply did not have the balls to outright tell him. Perhaps he never would. Yes, he knew Justin loved him. Ever since the beginning, he had been trying to figure out why. Sure, he was the hottest hunk Pittsburgh had ever seen, successful, great in bed and financially well-off, but what was underneath all of that? Brian realised that he didn't exactly know. Perhaps Justin did. Perhaps he could see things in him that Brian did not. The ultimate truth was, no matter how highly Brian thought of himself, he did not think he was worthy of being loved. He didn't think he deserved Justin's love. Maybe Ethan did deserve him. Maybe going to him would be good for Justin. Because he would love Justin and tell him how he felt without being afraid, or hesitant, or elusive. Perhaps Ethan could give Justin everything Brian could not. Brian had always only wanted the best for Justin. And now, he didn't feel like he was it. So he had no choice but to push him away. Push him to go to what would be good for him.

Although it pained him greatly, Brian looked into Justin's eyes and told him, "It's your call where you wanna be. You decide." And with that, Brian walked back over to resume sitting at his computer desk, brushing his hand across Justin's disappointed face as he went.

Justin stood still, his back to Brian. He felt a lump begin to form in his throat again, but swallowed it away. Brian had failed the test. One last chance to admit what was really in his heart, and he didn't take it. No, Justin thought, turning to face Brian determinedly. I am not giving up now. He strode over to Brian's desk and stood directly in front of it once more.

Brian strained to ignore his presence, but failed dismally. Defeated, he looked up from his computer screen and gave Justin a dismissive look. "You're still here?" he asked, attempting to deliberately hurt his feelings. "Don't you want to run off to your little boyfriend and live happily ever after?" Brian wasn't getting a reaction from Justin, however. He had had just about enough of Brian's shit.

"Not until you give me a proper answer", Justin declared. Confusion spread across Brian's face. "Huh?", was all he managed to get out. " You never answered my question", Justin continued. "I asked you if you would care...if I wasn't around anymore."

Brian let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I thought I already told you, it's your call whe-", he began. "Where I want to be, yeah I know", Justin interupted, receiving a raised eyebrow from Brian in return. "But, Brian, that doesn't answer my question."

Brian said nothing. He merely stared at the pleading man before him. Now it was Justin's turn to sigh. "Brian, just tell me. If I were to leave you tonight, would it bother you? Yes or no, that's all I need from you. Come on, it's not that hard, Brian, just say it", he urged.

Brian looked at him with a blank expression on his face. He felt incredibly cornered. Not that hard?! Easy for you to say you little twat, he thought. But he was right. It shouldn't be hard. And yet for Brian, it was. It was so damn hard. It frustrated him that he couldn't bring himself to give Justin the answer he wanted. Because he wanted to tell him. Unfortunantely, though, he was just too fucking terrified to say anything.

Slowly, he stood up and walked around his desk to stand face-to-face with the man questioning him. Justin looked at him expectantly. Fuck. "Brian?" Justin asked, still waiting for an answer.

Brian looked to the floor before returning his gaze to meet Justin's. "I'm gonna go take a shower", he said quietly, before walking past the disappointed blonde towards his bedroom. He closed his eyes briefly and shook his head at himself. Pussy, he thought. Justin wasn't the only one who was disappointed with him.

Justin stood still for a moment, his heart sinking back into his stomach. Fuck, he thought, defeated. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It hadn't worked. Brian wasn't going to give in, so why was Justin bothering? Because I love the son of a bitch, he decided, turning around to watch Brian's slumped shoulders make their way over to the bedroom.

" You, know what Brian, fuck you. Fuck you and your 'I don't have a heart' crap. I'm not buying it mister. I see through all of your shit", he called, making Brian freeze. He didn't turn around, but he was still. Justin noticed his shoulders stiffen. "I ask you a damn question, and you can't even give me an answer. Why Brian? I'll tell you the fuck why; you're a coward, Kinney. A fucking gutless coward!" Justin added, fed up.It was silent for a brief moment, and Brian continued to make his way to the stairs to his bedroom. "You know the answer, but you're just to piss-in-your-pants afraid to say anything. Just like now. Even now, you can't bring yourself to say shit." Brian froze again, this time standing at the top of the bedroom steps.

 Justin let out a huff of frustration and turned on his heel to storm out of the loft. Just as he reached the door, Brian whipped his head around and let out, "Alright you little twat, alright! Yes, it would bother me if you weren't here. Happy?". Justin turned his head to look at him. Brian looked to the ground infront of him. "But don't let that stop you from running off with Paginini Junior", he added spitefully. He turned his back and slowly disappeared into the privacy that was his bathroom.

Justin felt tears spring to his eyes. Well, that was what he wanted, wasn't it? A truthful answer from Brian. And boy, did he get one. Just what the fuck was he supposed to think of it?

Brian's response had only confused Justin even further. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? Maybe a visit to Ethan could give him the answer.

Ethan paced around his small, but charming apartment, anger boiling throughout his entire body. "Your boyfriend's an asshole", he said loudly.

"He's not an asshole", Justin defended from his place on the couch. "He's honest", he tried. Ethan rolled his eyes. Honest, he thought. Fucking wonderful. "If anyone's an asshole, I am for lying", Justin admitted. Despite everything, Justin knew this was true. If anything, Justin owed it to Brian to tell him the truth. And he had failed to do so. He realised that now.

"How did he find out?" Ethan asked. It was a good question. One that Justin hadn't aquired and answer to. Just how in the fuck did Brian find out? Justin figured he may never know. He shook his head and said, "I don't know."

"You didn't ask him?" Ethan asked incredulously. Justin sat up a little. "He'd never tell me", he said. This was also true. Ethan picked something up. "Well you can tell him, from me, that he can keep his...fucken' donation to the arts", he said, throwing the hundred dollar bill Brian had given him and Justin, who picked it up and held it out to him. "He can afford to give it away, you can't", he urged.

"At least now I know why you're with him", Ethan said from across the room. Justin didn't say anything. He just stared at Ethan, hoping he didn't mean what he thought he did. If he was suggesting that he was some kind of gold-digging user, they were going to have a problem. Fortunantly, Ethan's next statement disproved this assumption. "God, he's beautiful. He must be great in bed", he said, almost envious.

"Yeah, he is", Justin agreed. Ethan snatched the bill out out Justin's hands, clearly pissed at Justin's last sentence. His body tensed. "But it's when we're not in bed that's the problem", Justin insisted, sitting up again.

Ethan turned around. "Well, guess what? I'm not the answer", he declared. Justin squeezed his eyes tightly shut for a second, guilt forming in the pit of Justin's stomach yet again. He knew Ethan was right. It wasn't fair of him to use Ethan to satisfy the romantic fantasies Brian wasn't fulfilling. Why couldn't he just be with him? Because he was too afraid to leave Brian. Yet he wasn't sure he wanted to stay with him anymore. 

Ethan walked around his apartment until he was facing Justin. "I have myself to think about", he started. "The Heifetz competition is coming up. $25 000 first prize, touring dates, possible recording contract", he went on. Justin watched him move about as he spoke. "I can't be wasting my time thinking about you. Wishing that you were here. Hoping that tonight is going to be the night that you finally stay." 

This got Justin's attention. He knew where this was heading, and he didn't want to be thrown out with Ethan hating him. Quickly, he weighed hi options in his head. "I want to stay", he announced, surprising himself more so than Ethan. Ethan sighed at Justin's announcement. "Well, you can't", he said. Justin's heart sank a little more. It was so low now he thought it might fall right out of his ass.

"You can't", Ethan reaffirmed. He picked up his violin. "So just go back to your boyfriend. And I'll go back to my violin." Ethan began to play his instrument loud viciously. It was almost violent. Justin stood up. "Ethan!" he called, to no use. Ethan ignored his calls and went on playing. Justin wasn't prepared to give up yet. According to him, the conversation was far from over. He went all out with Brian, and he was prepared to do the same with Ethan.

So he called his name again. "Ethan! Ethan!" Again, it was to no avail. Justin decided all attempts at trying to get the musician's attention were futile, so, defeated once again, he grudgingly headed for the door and stormed out. Brilliant Justin, just fucking brilliant, he thought.

That visit had not gone the way he planned. A recurring theme lately. Still feeling conflicted over what to do, Justin decided to return home.

Brian lay awake in bed for a long while. No matter how hard he tried, he could not sleep. Not while thoughts of his sunshine, happy in some other jerk-off's arms invaded his head. Brian's heart ripped in two when he heard the sound of the heavy loft door slamming shut, signalling that Justin had left.

After his miserable shower, Brian managed to drink almost an entire bottle of Beam. Drunk and lonely, Brian decided to head to bed, his body feeling fatigued. However, when he got to bed, he felt completely wired. There was no way he was sleeping well tonight.

It was evident to Brian that the complete cause of his misery was Justin's absence, due to his own cowardice. Although he hated the thought of being alone, if being with that penniless, boyfriend-stealing asshole was what Justin truly wanted, Brian would have to accept that. Justin didn't owe him anything. He was always free to go. And although it killed him, Brian wasn't going to go after him.

Justin figured the darkness the loft greated him with meant Brian had gone to bed. He would have to quietly sneak into bed next to Brian, so as not to wake him. But as he approached the bedroom, he saw that Brian was fully awake, sitting up slightly.

It was only after Justin walked up the steps into the bedroom and stood at the foot of the bed that Brian turned his head to look at him. Their eyes locked, and Justin couldn't help but feel...cheap. He felt pathetic for running back to Brian this way, but he felt he had nowhere else to go. Actually, there was nowhere else he wanted to go. Despite their unresolved quarrel earlier, all Justin wanted was to lay next to Brian and go to sleep. Clearly he was getting no answers tonight. So he might aswell give in.

Slowly, Justin began removing his clothing, while Brian watched him. Their eyes remained on each other's the entire time. Finally, stripped completely down to his briefs, Justin stood still. Brian lifted up the duvey, inviting Justin to climb into bed next to him. Complying, Justin crawled up the bed and laid down, while Brian pulled the duvey over him. Once Justin had laid down, Brian draped his arm across his body, moving to lay up against his back. 

It said a lot of things. It was a way of saying, 'mine'. A way to say, 'I'm sorry'. A way to say, 'You're always welcome here'. And it was a way to say, 'Don't go'.

The two men stayed that way, in silence for a couple of eternity-lasting minutes. Justin could smell alcohol on Brian. What the hell, Brian thought, making a decision. Leaning over slightly, angling his mouth directly over Justin's ear, Brian whispered,"I don't want you to go."

Justin felt his heart flutter. He let out a light gasp and was barely audible. He didn't know what to expect when he returned home that evening, and now it seemed like it may be starting to look up.  He certainly hadn't been expecting that. Not after Brian refused to admit what he was feeling earlier. 

Brian held Justin tighter, his mouth still over his ear. "Don't go", he whispered. Justin felt his heart begin to melt now. Brian sounded so damn...vulnerable. So exposed. It was enough for Justin to really consider what was at stake. Justin leaned back into Brian's embrace and said quietly, "I won't."

Brian responded by holding Justin even tighter. He repeated his request, as if he hadn't heard what Justin said. "Don't go." Justin turned his head to look into Brian's pleading hazel eyes. He knew that Brian meant what he was saying. Brian leaned down to place a kiss on Justin's lips.

Turning in his lover's arms so that they were now facing each other, Justin deepened the kiss. He wrapped his arms around Brian's neck, who was now on top of Justin. Their lips remained locked until Brian's roaming hands tugged on Justin's briefs. Breaking the kiss, Brian looked into Justin's eyes. He began to slide the briefs off, Justin lifting off the bed slightly to assist Brian in the job. Their eyes never left each other's. Brian then pulled his own underwear off, and touched his forehead with Justin's.

Eventually pulling away ever so slightly, Brian kept his eyes on his lover as he reached across to the side of the bed and retrieved a condom. He passed it to Justin, who slid the condom on Brian without having to leave Brian's gaze. They paused for a moment. Simply to do nothing at all but look at each other.  

Justin wrapped his legs around Brian's waist and lifted up off the bed slightly to allow him easy entry. He let out a pleasured gasp, feeling Brian's now lubed finger push into his hole. A second one slid in, opening Justin up. Once Brian was satisfied, he removed his fingers and placed one hand on Justin's left hip, while the other was used to help position his cock at Justin's hole. Without any further hesitation, Brian pushed inside Justin with a soft grunt. He leaned his head down to kiss Justin again, poking his tongue against Justin's lips, asking for entry.

Brian moved in and out of Justin carefully, watching his face to absorb his every reaction. "More", Justin whispered. "I need more, Brian, please." Brian was all too happy to comply with this request. But he wasn't going to fuck this perfect ass into the mattress tonight. He would make love to Justin instead. No matter how drunk he was, or how pathetic it may have sounded.  

Moving in and out of Justin at a steady pace, the two men began to experience a world of pleasure and affection. Brian angled his cock to hit Justin's prostate on each stroke, making him let out soft moans as he did. Justin reached his hand out to caress Brian's hair and face as he enjoyed the feelings he was being given. Several soft moans, pants, gasps and kisses later, Justin cried out his release, Brian following in the same fashion with one last, deep stroke inside his lover.

Exhausted, Brian collapsed on top of Justin, still buried deep inside him. Justin held onto Brian's back as they laid there together for a couple of blissful minutes. After both men's breathing had slowed down, Brian lifted off of Justin, and gently pulled out of him. He pulled off the condom and tossed it carelessly onto the floor next to the bed once it was tied. After this minimal task was completed, Brian reached over to pull open the drawer of his bedside table, and grabbed hold of a clean, white hand towel. He brought it over to his lover to clean both of them off gently. He tossed the towel onto the floor near the condom, once it was no longer needed.

Justin gave Brian a sleepy smile as he stopped to look into his eyes once more. He leaned down to give him a gentle kiss, before Justin turned over, so Brian could resume holding him the way he had been earlier. Justin decided he liked being held that way. A short time later, Brian, assuming Justin was asleep, he himself being half asleep at the time, gently leaned over to whisper into his ear, "I love you."Brian didn't have time to think about what he had just said, as he was claimed by sleep in a matter of seconds afterwards.   

Little had Brian known, Justin was not asleep at all. Just he felt his eyes beginning to shut, he felt Brian move a little. And. Then. He. Said it. Brian Kinney had just told Justin he loved him. Holy shit!, Justin thought, his heart soaring. He prayed that he hadn't been dreaming it, but realising he was yet to fall asleep, he was convinced that it was real. Hearing the one thing that he always hoped, but never expected to hear from the man who seemingly locked his heart away from the world, Justin's mind, and heart was made up.

While he figured that Brian wouldn't remember his little declaration in the morning, on account of his drunken state, Justin decided that he would enjoy the moment while he could. This was a memory he was going to keep with him forever.

Having a good feeling that things would start to change for the better after tonight, Justin let himself be carried away into the world of dreams. He knew that any kind of sweet dreams wouldn't compare to the tenderness he and Brian had shared that night.