He picked up the diaper bag, the carry seat with baby, his briefcase, travel mug of coffee and headed for the car. He'd become an expert at this, and he still wondered exactly how that had happened. How had Brian Kinney become the single dad who dropped off his kid at daycare and then wheeled and dealed until quitting time? The man who could just as comfortably now fit patty-cake into his day as he could courting a multi-million dollar client? That's who he was and he had no fucking idea exactly how it had happened.

But he did know when.

At the end of August, 2002, with Taylor not quite eight months old, Daphne tearfully said goodbye and headed off to George Washington University to go after that degree in political communications. Her admissions had been deferred, thanks to the assistance of student advisors at GWU, and even the majority of her scholarship was still available to her. It didn't cover her incidental expenses, however, but Daphne's parents were taking care of most of those. They were simply thrilled to have her actually pursuing her education - something they'd been less than sure of a year ago. Of course, Brian began slipping a couple hundred into her bank account each month. He told her it was partly for a necessary supply of condoms. "Never trust the ones they provide. Supply your own. Trust me on this," he'd said. The rest of it was, he advised, for some hot clubbing clothes - with pockets. For the condoms.

He had begun taking care of Taylor alone the month before. First for a few days, then a week, then she was just there for the duration. He'd also moved into a larger place, with room for a child to actually play that the loft didn't provide. Gus loved it, too, on those occasions when he was allowed to visit. It wasn't exactly a gated community, more just a guarded one. Nevertheless it was another nail in the coffin of the legend, but necessary to keep out the sometimes still ravenous beast that was his family. He didn't really mind the hungry hoards so much anymore, though, since Michael and,he hoped, Lindsay had begun to realize he was no longer the man they thought they knew. He was an honest-to-god dad, with all the responsibility and credentials that went along with it. He didn't see Gus as much as he wanted, but more than he used to and that was pretty much all he could handle along with Taylor.

The first time Brian noticed it, he had no idea what to do. Taylor was napping in the playpen beside his chair. They'd fallen into a routine of sorts on Sundays. That had always been a down day for Brian. Now it consisted of breakfast, the park or a visit with one family or another, then home for lunch and a nap while dada caught up on paperwork or read one of the many books he'd been shunting aside. Taylor hated napping in the morning, but didn't fight one in the afternoon. Today was no different. Until it was.

He heard the giggles and looked over to see his daughter awake and staring above her, grinning. She reached up and seemed to intentionally swat at nothing and then burst into another round of giggles. She covered her face and peeked through clumsy fingers, grinning up into the empty air. Brian watched for a full minute, awed by this seeming ability to entertain herself so fully at this age. He watched her indulgently and it looked like... peek-a-boo? Suddenly she gave what looked like her 'bye-bye' wave and got a sober look on her face, as if something was troubling her. Then Taylor began to cry as if her heart was broken.

"Hey, hey firefly, what's the matter?" This was a new one for Brian. Taylor was always such a happy damn baby that it freaked most people out. She seldom cried and never like this. It was anguish Brian was hearing. He held her clinging to his shirt, soaking him, until her sobs faded into a staccato pattern and her breathing hitched only occasionally. But she never took her eyes off the spot on the ceiling she'd been staring at when she awoke. Brian looked up, expecting to find a water ring, a cobweb... something... There was nothing but unadorned ceiling.

With one more sigh, and a shudder that ran through her whole body, Taylor finally quieted down. "That's my girl," Brian whispered into the mass of dark yellow curls. "You had me worried, kid. What were you looking at, I wonder." Brian would also wonder when it happened again. And again. Taylor was healthy and obviously happy. Her development, according to the doctor was in the excellent range. He wasn't worried, he'd convinced himself. Only curious.

 ::

They spent a week in D.C. visiting Daphne. They rented a suite so Daphne could re-bond with her daughter. It was bittersweet, this dance of reconnection, and Brian backed off, somewhat grateful for the opportunity to let someone else be the main caregiver. Parenting was damned hard work, physically and emotionally, he'd found out.

"Do you miss it all?" Taylor was soundly sleeping in Daphne's room, while Brian and Daphne had a beer to unwind from the excitement of the day.

"Yeah, I do," Daphne answered. "I miss her so much, but... I know..."

"You know you're where you need to be," Brian interrupted, his foot knocking her's for emphasis. "You do know that, right?"

"I could come back to Pittsburgh, go to CM, finish up there. I'd be with Taylor and you wouldn't be stuck being the mom and dad."

"Hold on... I'm not stuck doing anything. It is not a sacrifice taking care of Taylor, Daphne. You know that. And what the fuck are you thinking about, trading a political communications education in the fucking nation's capitol for some second rate poli-sci dreg at CM?"

"You're right, I know, it's just..."

"She's not going to forget her mom. I won't let that happen... So, now... fuck any hot guys lately?"

"Jesus, you really won't ever change completely, will you?"

Brian drained the last of his beer. "Fuck, I hope not."

"Thank god."

 ::

The music was loud and the men sweaty. Brian looked around the room, watching the game, the predators and their prey. It wasn't often anymore that he got out and really let loose so he took advantage of leaving Taylor with Daphne. But he easily remembered the game - hell, he'd played it on the pro circuit for the greater part of his adult life. Now he stood with his back to a bar in a room full of prospects and the anticipation he'd felt just hours earlier, the eager hunger for a moment as the lustful stud he fondly remembered, seemed simply empty. Hollow and meaningless when placed into the context of the rest of his life. Had he really ever thought this was enough? That being nothing more than a human dildo had been in any way fulfilling? He knew he had, but for the life of him now, he couldn't conjure up that feeling. Oh, he still got his needs met, could still find a willing mouth or a fast fuck. But the longing for this just wasn't the same now, because what he truly longed for he could never have again - wide lustful smiles and erotically slow, blue-eyed blinks. Hands that were always slightly smudged with charcoal but knew just how to touch him. A lingering odor of diner grease mixed with the citrus of expensive shampoo.

An overwhelming sense of loss invaded him with the memories. Had it really been nearly six months ago that he and Daphne had cried together, huddled on his sofa comforting each other over the worst possible anniversary either of them could imagine? Justin was still so much a part of their every waking thought, and nearly all of Brian's unconscious ones. He'd been gone for almost a year and a half and their world was still reeling with the loss. Brian could feel the sting behind his eyes and refused to go there tonight. "Fuck."

He shook himself and pushed all those thoughts aside as he set his sights on a tall redhead in the corner. Tonight wasn't about what he could never have again. Whether he found it hollow and empty or not, tonight was about the fact that he needed to get laid.

He laughed out loud as the Justin in his head grinned at the sweet fucking irony of that.

 ::

Brian's legs bounced up and down, the little girl sitting on them giggled loudly at the motion even as her fingers pulled at her left ear again. The wait in the pediatrician's office was longer than usual and Taylor had been getting a bit antsy. She wanted to be mobile. Unfortunately for a child her age that meant crawling and, though he'd lost a lot of his former preoccupation with pristine order, letting his daughter crawl around on a pediatrician's floor with fuck knew what assortment of germs was a bit more than Brian could allow. So, horsey it was.

"Taylor Kinney?"

"Finally," Brian complained. If it had been his own doctor's appointment, he'd have already rescheduled and been on to the next thing.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kinney. There was a bit of an emergency with Dr. Patterson. Her associate, Dr. Marten will be seeing Taylor today." The nurse, Tabby, smiled apologetically.

"I'm assuming she went to medical school?"

"Actually, Dr. Marten graduated top of his class and is now awaiting notification about the Nobel Prize in Medicine."

"Ah, an underachiever."

"It's always a pleasure when you stop by, Mr. Kinney," Tabby snarked, indicating the exam table in an open room. "You know the routine. Down to the diaper. And you have a nice day, now."

Taylor was always ready to be in nothing more than her diaper. She patted her naked belly and was engrossed in her own navel when Dr. Marten entered. "Ah, I see we have an introspective visitor today," Dr. Marten said as he leaned down to Taylor's level. "You planning on becoming a philosopher, perhaps?" She grinned at this new man and then went back to playing with her bellybutton.

"Her philosophic bent appears to be toward solipsism."

"Yeah, that's pretty much par for the course at this age. They always make me feel fairly insignificant in the scheme of things." The doctor chuckled and held his hand out, facing Brian for the first time. He felt a vague sense of familiarity, as if he'd met the man before, though he couldn't recall specifics. "I'm Teo Marten. Sorry about the drama and the wait earlier."

"S'okay. Shit happens." He couldn't help noticing how attractive the man was as he shook his hand. A little on the stocky side for Brian's taste, but not bad. Tall, dark hair and eyes. A Mediterranean look about him - Brian would guess there was some Greek or Sicilian heritage there. "I'm Brian Kinney."

"So, what brings the Kinneys here today?"

It turned out to be a slight infection and they'd gotten it early, so only a decongestant was recommended. At that pronouncement, Brian heaved a rather heavy sigh of relief. With all of Justin's allergies, he had fears that Taylor would have reactions to a whole range of medications. There were only three days before the obligatory round-robin of holiday festivities began and Brian, though grateful that Taylor was healthy, almost wished he could have avoided the drama by calling her in sick. He then wanted to kick his own ass for ever considering using his daughter so deceitfully.

On Thanksgiving morning Brian woke to the sound of rain pelting his window. He groaned, his head pounding from the unaccustomed amount of alcohol he'd had the night before. He'd taken full advantage of Daphne's return for the holiday. She'd taken Taylor with her to spend some time with the Chanders and Brian had spent the evening with the old gang, reminding himself of the stud he used to be, however momentarily. Unfortunately, he hadn't been that man for some time and he was paying for his brief walk-on as the Legend with a hangover from hell. How far the mighty have fallen, he thought, with a groan.

To be honest, though he'd enjoyed getting out with the boys again, Brian hadn't much enjoyed the night out as a whole. He was no longer the Legend he'd so carefully crafted, momentarily or otherwise, and without that particular mythos driving him, he again found the club experience somewhat lacking, much like it had felt in DC. It was all about immediate needs and instant gratification and objectification, concepts he no longer held in quite such high esteem. Now his personal life was as much about long-term goals as was his professional life. It struck Brian that his own father had never grown out of that childish need for the instant, had never found the kind of quiet excitement that looking forward to first steps and first words and first smiles could provide. And then it struck him that his hatred for his parents had, somewhere along the line, taken a back seat to his pity for them.

 ::

Thanksgiving at the Novotny house was not something Brian was accustomed to participating in. He'd always thought it crass to gluttonously celebrate the decimation of an indigenous culture. He'd given in this year, though, because of Taylor. Daphne had complained that he couldn't raise her in isolation any longer. Personally, he knew she was just wrong on the face of it, that Taylor got plenty of stimulation and socialization at day care and when Gus came to visit, but he caved in the interest of domestic harmony. Bullshit the late Brian Fucking Kinney would never have given in to. Brian Daddy Kinney, however, was a much easier touch.

Taylor squealed when she saw her father. At nearly eleven months now, she'd developed a boisterous and pleasant personality, but a stubborn one. She twisted in Daphne's arms to get to Brian. She wanted what she wanted, and right now she wanted her daddy.

"Hey, firefly, miss me that much, did ya?"

"She was happy as a clam with me, Brian... until you came into view." The words were teasing, but Brian could hear the undercurrent of hurt in them. Taylor twisted and babbled on as she pulled herself into her father's arms.

"I'm just the one she associates with food and designer clothing, mommy. And her attention span is still about two seconds long." He kissed Daphne and touched his forehead to hers. "She'll always need her mom, Daph."

"I know, and I'm okay," she said. "Really... It's just really hard, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. But once you have that sheepskin in your hot little hands, things'll change."

"You three come to stand in the doorway or did you come to eat my turkey?" Debbie could feel the slight tension between the two adults standing in her foyer. She understood it. She'd been a young, single mother who'd had to work long hours to support her family. That'd been hard enough. She couldn't imagine the pain of leaving your child for months on end. Brian was doing a hell of a job, though, being the father the little girl needed and deserved. She smiled bittersweetly thinking of the ways Justin Taylor had changed all their lives. So many ways he'd never had a chance to see. She blinked away the tears, smiled and reached her arms out for Taylor. "Now, let me get a good look at my little girl."

Brian chuckled as Taylor tightened her grip around his neck and settled her little face into his shoulder. She wasn't giving up her daddy right now.

"Da. Da!"

Brian's eyes got wide and Daphne's eyes grew wet. She looked up at Brian and was nearly knocked over by the glow that seemed to creep across his face with his smile. "She called you 'da'," she whispered.

"Well? He is her da!" Debbie snarked, but she understood. The fresh tears in her eyes attested to that. This was a momentous occasion for a parent, that first moment of real recognition. Even more so for these particular parents, she guessed, given the circumstances. "When you're ready," she placed her hand on Brian's cheek, "it's time to give thanks."

Brian sat with Taylor on his lap for the duration of dinner, alternately handing her bites of food from his plate and trying to listen to the various conversations going on around them. Emmett was discussing his latest love interest, Ted was going on about some problem at work, Michael was making light fun of Brian's domesticity. Gus, unfortunately, wasn't there as the girls were visiting Melanie's grandparents in Boca. Vic had been unusually quiet, seemingly fascinated by the little girl that had charmed them all today. He was particularly fascinated by the way she seemed to be holding some kind of one-sided joke session with thin air.

"She do that often?"

Brian looked toward Taylor and then Vic, questioningly. "Do what?"

"It's like she's laughing at something," Vic replied as Taylor barked out a hoarse giggle and waved her hand.

"She's done that shit since she was a few months old, actually. Doctor says she fine, just seems to keep herself entertained easily."

"I noticed that, too, last night." Daphne hadn't really put much thought into it at the time, but thinking back the moment did seem unusual. "When she was in bed last night, she giggled and then got so silent, by turns. Like she was listening to a story, or something. Then she cried like she was in pain."

At that moment, Taylor giggled again, tapped Brian on the arm and said "Da!" to no one in particular. Vic smiled broadly and touched the little girl's nose. "Yeah," he said quietly. "I think that is definitely your da."

 ::

By the time Christmas rolled around, Brian was ready to pull his hair out. The incident at Thanksgiving kept creeping into his thoughts and he was beginning to worry that something was seriously wrong with his daughter. And her temperature kept spiking. He'd taken her to the doctor, again, but her temperature was always normal by the time they arrived and he was repeatedly dismissed with a teasing admonition of being a too-doting father.

By this time, Teo Marten had pretty much taken over Taylor's care in lieu of Dr. Patterson, and he and Brian had become friends, of a sort, during the visits. Brian learned that he was, indeed, of Greek heritage, that he was 35 and had been practicing medicine for five years, that he was queer by orientation and Gnostic by choice. Brian snorted at that last fact, commenting that his own childhood religion was as far removed from the personal experience and ethos of Gnosticism as it could get.

"My mother is Greek Orthodox. According to her, I'm hell bound." Teo shrugged at his own comment.

"Well...we have that in common, too, then," Brian replied, with a smirk.

As Brian and Taylor were leaving from yet another, apparently unnecessary, office visit, Teo stopped them at the door. "I'm probably breaking all kinds of rules, written and otherwise, but... well... could I interest you in a cup of coffee sometime?"

Every mantra Brian had ever had began running through his head. I don't do dates. I don't do relationships. He knew, intellectually, that by now those old rules had been buried a long time ago, right along with the young man who'd challenged them. Yeah, he was lonely. In a way he'd never been lonely before. But suddenly, the thought of tarnishing what he felt for Justin by even sharing coffee with another man chilled him to the core. He could fuck them, but intentionally making time to be with someone? It was a kind of betrayal, in his mind, and one he'd never really expected to ever address. No. Just...

"Teo ... I..."

"Hey. It's okay. I've been turned down before, Brian."

"I'm just not... don't know if I'll ever be in a place for even coffee." Brian had never thought it necessary to explain himself or his actions before, but the look of openness on Teo's face seemed to impel him. "I lost someone..."

"God, Brian, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"No, you couldn't have. I don't talk about him a lot." He laughed sadly and playfully bit the fingers Taylor was poking into his mouth. "But I can't keep him out of my head for long."

"It's really okay, Brian. I understand... If you ever need to talk about it... him... I'm a great sounding board."

Brian nodded and smiled faintly, and walked out the exam room door. He didn't think he'd be taking the good doctor up on that anytime soon.

Christmas came and went and the best present Brian and Daphne received was their daughter's first steps. She took them on Christmas afternoon as they were all recovering from the morning's haul. It was like she waited for them to be together to share her milestones. This time, Jennifer was present, as well. She cried. Tears of joy for Taylor's steps, and tears of heartbreak for her son's loss. Molly took Taylor's hand and led her, balancing tentatively on bare toes, to her grandmother. With a squeal and a grin she promptly fell flat on her butt, making her grandmother laugh again.