Brian had no idea he could survive at this level of exhaustion. With the new business needing so much of his detailed attention and Taylor's new found ambulation, he was getting around four hours sleep a night, at most. He did recognize the irony in that - that BFK would have found four hours of sleep a night a luxury and BDK found it to be a serious problem. That all his years of casting mocking aspersions on the pathetically underachieving lives of all those heteronormative wannabes, the ones he so often disparaged for complaining about their boring lives was coming back to bite him in the ass. They weren't complaining because they were bored, they were complaining because they were fucking tired.

He wasn't an idiot, though. He knew a big part of the issue was that his body was now operating in the clean and sober mode, lacking all the chemical stimulants and artificial energy boosts that had kept him running so efficiently with minimal natural reserves. Now it was all him. In the fallout from his new chemical sobriety and increased mental and physical demands, he'd broken down and enlisted more assistance from Jennifer and the family. Somehow, their help with simply dropping off and picking up Taylor from daycare, with keeping her through dinner once in awhile allowed him to maintain at least some modicum of adult sanity. But his life was seriously lacking in adult interaction that wasn't centered around advertising and marketing, and it had been months since he'd spent any time for himself.

When Mikey invited him to dinner as the holiday season approached, he jumped at the opportunity to sit down and eat in the presence of other adult gay men, even if it was just Mikey and Ben. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he should have found this whole scenario pathetic. And no, the irony of the fact that he didn't wasn't lost on him either. He was now just a happy mass of ironic contradictions, wasn't he?

Brian realized he'd been set up the minute he walked into their house and he couldn't help being a little pissed off that they thought he'd fall for this shit. There, sitting on the sofa in Michael and Ben's small living room was none other than Dr. Teo Marten. Well, Brian thought, if they're hoping for some blind date love match, they're fucking out of luck.

"Oh, shit."

Michael looked quizzically at Teo's comment for a moment, then smiled and proceeded with the introductions. "Teo Marten, I'd like you to meet my best friend, Brian Kinney."

Brian tucked his tongue inside his cheek and snorted. "Dr. Marten. Finally getting that coffee, I see."

"I promise you, Brian, I had no idea you were the friend Ben and Michael were referring to. I would never make you uncomfortable like that."

"Yeah, I know how persuasive these two can be," Brian said. "And I gathered from the rather formal introduction that you weren't aware of who was coming tonight."

Even though it was a bit uncomfortable at first no one made a move to leave. Ben had apparently met Teo through some university connections, found out he was single, and the rest was all Mikey and his Novotny subtlety.

Michael finally tugged Brian's coat out of his hands and tossed it in the general direction of a coat rack. "You've been whining for weeks now about needing to be in the company of adults, Brian. So sit down and enjoy yourself and shut the fuck up."

The glare Brian gave Michael made Teo laugh out loud. "So, how is the divine Miss T?"

The rest of the evening was more pleasurable than Brian would have imagined. Ben and Michael sat back with twin smiles and occasional smirks, giving each other mental high-fives as they watched the interaction between their friends. Brian wasn't really surprised that he enjoyed Teo's company. He'd already figured out the man was accomplished and intelligent and a good conversationalist. After dinner he'd somehow invited him back to his place for a drink. With Taylor home in bed, he knew that's all it would amount to, but he was nonetheless a bit shocked that he'd extended the invitation.

 ::

Jennifer was always pleased to watch Taylor for a few hours in Taylor's home, to see her interact in her everyday environment. Usually she took Taylor home with her for their visits, but when Brian needed the occasional babysitter, she was more than happy to be the one he turned to. She loved her granddaughter fiercely and would spend time with her at any opportunity. She smiled whenever she thought that in a few more years, Molly would be able to take on that job for short periods, too.

Yet being here, in Brian's house, was always a bit melancholy for her. Although Justin had never seen this place, had never set foot through this threshold, there was a presence of him in every corner. A series of charcoal sketches he'd done of various friends from Liberty Avenue had been framed and artfully placed on the south wall. Two old sketchbooks were displayed on that expensive coffee table, as if they were prized, published tomes. On Brian's credenza, snapshots of Justin with Daphne and Brian were interspersed with those of Taylor. Jennifer even recognized a few of Justin's favorite books of fiction scattered throughout Brian's bookshelf. Being here, in Brian's space, was where she truly understood all that her son had meant to this enigmatic man. And realized just how much the man had truly lost, how lonely he was.

When she realized that Brian had brought someone home with him from his dinner at Michael's, she couldn't help feeling a little pang of resentment at this intruder into her son's memory. Jennifer wasn't a fool, however, and Brian was a handsome and virile young man. And... it had been over two years. Yes, it stung a little that this man was here, but it was time. So she smiled as she shook Teo Marten's hand, kissed Brian's cheek softly and headed home.

 ::

Brian checked on Taylor, tucking the covers around her shoulders and brushing his fingertips through her long curls. She opened her eyes for a moment, then smiled as she returned to sleep.

"She good?"

"Yeah. Jennifer's great with her." Brian poured two bourbons and handed one to Teo. "Caring grandmothers are something I'm not all that familiar with, but Taylor seems to love her."

There was an awkward pause as they sat on opposite ends of the sofa with nothing but quiet between them. Then Brian laughed lightly. "You know, I don't think I've ever felt awkward around a man in my life before."

"Please don't feel awkward on my account. I've pretty much got that covered on this end." Teo shifted uncomfortably. "I apologize again for the mix-up this evening. I honestly didn't realize..."

"Don't... I've known Michael a very, very long time. His intentions are good, but..."

"He oversteps at times?"

"When it comes to me, overstepping is Mikey's stock in trade." Brian smirked. Then got serious again. "Listen, Teo... I'm not really sure why I even invited you here tonight. This type of intimate little one-on-one isn't my usual... style, shall we say."

"You told me once that you'd lost someone. Is that why..." He let the question dangle.

The sigh that escaped Brian was long and filled with what he couldn't say. The one I lost didn't even get this kind of intimacy, he thought. The one who should have received it. Suddenly it became imperative that he tell this man about Justin. Tell about the one who really had deserved the kind of intimacy that this night implied. "Justin was eighteen when he died. Murdered because he was gay," he began. "I sat in that fucking hospital hallway for hours... my hands covered in his blood... waiting... I think that was the first time in nearly twenty years that I'd prayed..."

Teo Marten sat silent, listening to the pain in Brian's words and voice, and remembered the hint of recognition he'd had when he'd first met him at the office.

He'd seen him that night, at the hospital. A beautiful, broken man sitting nearly catatonic in one of those nondescript gray hospital chairs, his formal attire bloody and tears streaking his face. He'd been visiting a patient late and couldn't help being struck by the devastation on the man's face. It was the look of someone who'd lost everything. Now, more than anything, he wanted to hold him, to fill his ears with useless platitudes - it's okay, it'll be okay. He knew that for Brian Kinney, however, some things would never really be okay again.

They sat for a long time that night, each nursing a single drink, as Teo listened to Brian talk about Justin.

 ::

They saw each other a few times over the next few weeks. Once in passing at the clinic when Taylor had another of her elusive fevers, and a couple of times for drinks at a quiet little bar near Brian's office. Brian kept it casual. He wasn't thinking beyond friendship, and maybe not even that far. He wouldn't take him to his bed, or even to the backroom. That would confuse the issue, Brian knew. Put Teo into a category that had only ever held Justin, that more-than-a-fuck category.

It was Jennifer who suggested to Brian, in her inimitable way, that Teo was more than Brian's friend.

"You should invite Teo to have Christmas dinner with us, Brian. Didn't you say he wasn't close to his parents? He should at leastl feel part of one at Christmas, don't you think?"

Brian had frozen for a moment at the suggestion. She wasn't... Jennifer Taylor was not trying to hook him up, for chrissake. Was she? That was Mikey's style. Mikey was the one who believed you had to be part of a couple to be some kind of real person, not Jennifer.

It wasn't that Brian hadn't thought about it, but that he hadn't thought about it seriously. He enjoyed Teo's company, his wit and ability to laugh at the idiocy that made up so much of human nature. Their interests and family backgrounds were similar and they were both ambitious and cared about Taylor. They had enough in common to get along amicably and enough not in common to their keep their conversations interesting. But... she was Justin's mother, for fuck sake.

And in the moment Brian hated her.

"Get out, Jennifer."

"What? Brian?" She had been packing Taylor's things for a night at grandma's. Suddenly the half-empty bag in her hand weighed a hundred pounds.

"Get the fuck out of my house. Now."

Jennifer realized he was serious, but she wasn't honestly sure of the reason. Suggesting that Teo share their Christmas dinner with them? This seemed an over-reaction for such a suggestion. "Okay. Let me finish getting Taylor's things..."

"No. Just leave her things and... get out." He couldn't imagine letting his daughter go home with Jennifer tonight. He walked over and poured himself a very large bourbon and kicked it back. No, tonight he needed Taylor, he needed alcohol and he needed to forget these... these feelings that didn't belong here, in his house, in his gut. He turned his back to Jennifer, dismissing her.

"I'm not leaving without my granddaughter, Brian. Not while you're so angry and drinking." She rested herself quietly against one of the deep blue wing chairs and spoke again, just as quietly. "If she stays here, so do I. You're not getting rid of me."

Brian's face tightened up at Jennifer's words and he clamped his eyes shut against the sting he felt there.

You can't get rid of me, Brian. I'm on to you.

He could feel the burn in his nose and the lump in his throat and he wasn't fucking giving in to that shit. But Jennifer could see the rhythmic shake of the man's shoulders. She placed herself between Brian and the bar cart, took the glass from him and placed it on the marble top, and held his hands in hers.

"Oh, sweetheart. You can't do this to yourself anymore. You can't do this to him."

Jennifer had, of course, heard all the stories of Brian Kinney, the heartless, promiscuous club-boy. And she'd believed them, each and every one, before her son had died. But the Brian Kinney she knew as Taylor's father was so far removed from the man in those stories that they might as well have been two different people. This is the man her son loved. Stubborn and hard-headed - even intentionally cruel at times. But also generous and gentle and so deeply caring that he hurt with it.

"My son gave you something very special, Brian. He loved you and showed you that you are capable of loving someone." She placed her right hand on Brian's chest, her palm absorbing the steady beat. "Do not take that gift lightly."

"You're as full of romantic bullshit as your son was," Brian finally said, and buried his face in hair that was so like Justin's.

Ridiculously romantic.

"Well, he had to learn it from someone."

At Jennifer Taylor's Christmas dinner, Daphne passed a wet-wipe to Brian for their daughter's hands. Taylor still hadn't fully mastered the use of a spoon and preferred her fingers. She picked up one small, green pea from her plate and studied it carefully before mashing it between her thumb and forefinger. She laughed at the feel of it and offered it to the man sitting to her left. "Icky geen," she chirped happily.

"Yes, Miss T, that is definitely some icky green," Teo Marten replied with a grin as he pretended to eat.

 ::

"Brian, Debbie Novotny's here to see you."

"Send her on in, Cynthia."

Not that he hadn't been expecting it, but he really didn't want to do this here, in his office. He'd already gone a round with Mikey about missing the big birthday bash for Ben and rehashing the matter with Debbie wasn't high on his to-do list today. Then, again, might as well get it over with.

"Debbie. How nice of you to visit me. Bring the whips and chains today, or just the tar and feathers?"

"Nah, left all that at home, kiddo. Today it's just torture by lemon bar."

"God, I think I prefer the whips. No calories and at least a potential for orgasm."

"You actively practicing at being the asshole again, or is it all just coming back naturally?" She placed the small bag of treats on Brian's desk. "If you don't want 'em, take 'em home for Taylor. Just put the attack dog back on the leash, will ya?"

Brian looked a bit sheepish. Okay, so he'd already had to go on the defensive once today. Deb, however, wasn't a part of that and he needed to remind himself that things aren't necessarily as they once were.

"Point taken, Deb. So, what can I do for you this afternoon?"

"Well, for starters you can let me tell you this is a fucking nice place you got here." It was the first time she'd been in the building since the launch party and that had taken place mainly in the lobby and conference room. But Brian's office was another thing. Sleek, open, very... officious. She chuckled when she noticed the drain in the floor next to her chair. "See you kept the feel of the place."

"Keeps me in touch with my hedonistic youth." Brian sat back and played with a paper clip. "But you didn't come here to critique the office décor... What's up?"

"Michael..."

"Deb..."

"Will you just fucking hear me out? Christ, what is it with you boys and your constant need to shut me up?"

Brian just smirked at that and gave Debbie a nod to continue.

"As I was saying..." She gave Brian a narrow-eyed gaze, complete with wagging finger. "Michael will get over his snit. The only reason he's pissed is because this is the first birthday Ben's shared with him and he wanted to go overboard. If he really wanted to throw him a fucking party and have everyone there, he could've done it the week before like we did for Taylor. Ben would've been just as impressed." Brian just bit his lips and waited. "You had something much more important to you, and to Taylor and Daphne, than pulling Michael's underwear out of his ass crack. So... let my son figure this shit out on his own."

Brian simply nodded again and said, "Thanks, mom."

"Would've been Sunshine's twenty-first... so I spent the afternoon with Jennifer." Brian pretended sudden interest in his computer screen. "She understands, too, ya know. She's in pain, but she understands."

 ::

They'd spent the day in question in Boston, visiting museums with Taylor and celebrating with a cake and candles at the hotel restaurant. They'd also spent the day trying to figure out the meaning behind Taylor's latest batch of words. Her speech had progressed slightly ahead of schedule and she was increasing her vocabulary and sentence length daily, it seemed. Usually there was some point of reference for the sometimes unintelligible string of words, however, that let them narrow down a meaning, let them connect Taylor-speech to an actual thing or abstraction. With her latest few words, however, there was seemingly no connection to reality whatsoever.

"My mick." Taylor sipped her milk and announced her ownership of the drink proudly.

"I'm guessing that would be me," Brian joked, "but I think we need to work on her lack of political correctness and her use of derogatory epithets."

"Don't worry, daddy, with you around she'll figure out how to put the 'l' in there soon enough." Daphne was, as ever, pointing out the obvious. "She's actually ahead of most kids in her age group."

"My tin wuv gween." Taylor patted her plate, gave a milky grin and plopped a chunk of broccoli in her mouth.

"My tin loves green?" Brian repeated to Taylor. She nodded her head as she chewed. "Who is tin, Taylor?"

"Tin! My tin!" She tossed her hands out to the side emphatically.

Daphne had already heard about the few odd phrases Taylor had been using lately. Brian was concerned that she was somehow regressing in her speech, reverting to baby babble. "I have no idea either, but I do know you need to stop worrying so much. At the rate her verbal skills are progressing, just give her a few months and the little firefly will be able to discuss at length on the meaning." She had an idea about the new phrases and Taylor's sometimes odd behavior, a theory that she'd been considering for weeks, but she wasn't ready yet to tell Brian. She wasn't ready to even give it a voice by saying it out loud, actually. Because everyone would think she was insane. So for now, she just smiled and stole a piece of broccoli from her daughter's plate, remembering the number of times Justin had declared his love of the vegetable.

Later that night, with Taylor tucked into her own bed, Brian and Daphne had again talked about Justin. He would have been twenty-one and it had been particularly difficult for both of them to handle the day on his behalf.

Daphne had researched the naming of stars and had ultimately decided that such would be a meaningless gesture. Any gift for Justin had to at least have some purpose behind it. Brian had briefly suggested developing a fund in Justin's memory, something that would help others. They both again decided against that. Governmental red tape and administrative bullshit alone would eventually gut much of the good such a program might offer. What they finally decided was simply to work toward more inclusive discrimination laws and harsher punishments for hate crimes in Pennsylvania.

When Brian had arrived home, it was to that scathing phone message from Michael about missing Ben's birthday, which fell on exactly the same day as Taylor and Justin's. Michael was still angry when Brian met him for lunch the next day. Debbie's visit had eased Brian's anger a bit, but he was still pissed with his friend's attitude when he got home. After settling Taylor with her toys, he listened to the messages on his home phone. There was only one. From Michael. He took a deep breath and pressed 'play'.

Brian... hey... It's me. I'm... um... I'm sorry for being such a prick. I know what that day means to you and Taylor, and I'm sorry... Yeah, I'm a dick. I'm pathetic. I was being selfish and wanting to impress Ben and... well, I'm your friend and I should have been better at it. So... just give Taylor a kiss from her Uncle Michael, and I'll see you 'round. Okay? ... Okay.

Brian laughed at Mikey's obvious discomfort. He hated to apologize almost as much as Brian did, but when he did, he did it up with a bow. Yeah, he'd been a prick, but Brian hadn't tried very hard to set the record straight himself. They both screwed up. But they were friends and friends did that sometimes. He tossed himself onto the sofa and fired off a text to his best friend.

Yeah, you're pathetic. Really, really pathetic. We'll live. Hope Ben had a good b-day. Lunch tomorrow?

Before he could change his mind he typed out another text.

Hey. Home decompressing from office. Share pizza with Taylor and dad? Well, with dad. She's having mac n cheese. I'll toss in beer or apple juice. Drinker's choice. 7:30? Let me know.

His finger hovered for a minute before he pressed the send icon, his gut twisting like a high school kid asking out a first date. For some reason that didn't bother him quite as much as he thought it should, and he had a moment of panic that maybe he should just retract it all. Then his phone chimed.

Great idea. Could use company. Worked ER shift today. Kid beat half to death by dad 'cuz he's gay. Fucking piece of shit parent. Should be in jail for life. I'll bring extra beer.

Brian smiled and decided to put his panic back in the box for a while.