Fear and Failure  

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Brian slid back the loft door.  He was tired.  Being a partner wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.  The days at the office got longer and the work kept piling on.  Vance continued to be an asshole.  He was just waiting for Brian to make a mistake.  He would like nothing better than to have something to hold over him, maybe threaten to push him out.  As a result, Brian had to work extra hard to keep him at bay and prove the son of a bitch wrong.



“Hey,” he said, seeing Justin sitting on the couch, holding a piece of paper.



“Hey,” was the response, but he didn’t even look at Brian.



“What a warm welcome!” Brian said sarcastically.  He liked it when Justin flung himself into his arms as soon as he opened the door.  He groaned inwardly.  Did this mean he was going to have another problem to deal with?



“Sorry,” he heard Justin say.  The boy came over and gave him a warm kiss.



“That’s better,” Brian thought, getting rid of his coat.  He went up to the bedroom to get out of his suit and into some jeans.



When he stepped down from the bedroom, Justin was putting a bowl of pasta on the table.  They sat down to eat.



“Umm, good,” Brian said, enjoying the home cooking Justin was getting so good at.



“Thanks,” Justin replied, saying nothing more.



Brian knew a quiet Justin meant something was going on.  He had to ask, “What’s up?”



“What do you mean?” Justin asked, not sure he was ready to talk about it yet.



“That means it’s something big,” Brian thought.  “Don’t be coy.  It doesn’t become you,” Brian said rather testily.



“I’m thinking about something.”



“What?”



“Don’t get mad, and I’ll tell you.”



Brian didn’t like the sound of that.  “Just spill,” he said.



“I’ve been selected for a special art program,” Justin began.



“Congratulations.”



“Thanks, but there’s more to it.”



Brian had thought so.  Otherwise, Justin would have been bouncing up and down, not quiet and pensive.  “Continue.”



“It’s a course that lasts from January to May.”



“I don’t see any problem so far,” Brian said, getting impatient.



“It’s in New York City,” Justin said, holding his breath.



There it was.  Justin was going to New York for five months.  Brian stopped eating, having a lot of trouble swallowing what was in his mouth.  He looked intently at Justin, trying to decide what to say.



“It must be a very special program,” Brian said, making the statement as positive and non-committal as he could manage.



“It is.  I applied, not really thinking I’d get chosen.  There are only two spots from PIFA.  They chose me and Joanne Barker.”



“Congratulations again,” Brian said, emptying his wine glass.  He quickly refilled it, now wanting to drink, not eat.



Justin reached over and touched Brian’s hand, effectively stopping Brian from drinking any more.



“I haven’t said I’ll go,” Justin said, looking into Brian’s eyes.



“Well, you should go,” Brian replied, looking intently at the fridge.



“I should?” Justin asked.



“Of course.  It sounds like a big opportunity.”



“It is ... I guess.”



“Then you should go.”



“You sound like you want me to go,” Justin said, feeling confused.  Did Brian want him to go away?



“I do.”



“What?”



“I do.  Remember when I thought I was going to get a job in New York.  I was ready to go.  You should be too.”



“But things have changed since then.”  Justin’s voice quivered.



“Yes, they have.  But also they haven’t.  You should grab this experience.  You’re young.  It’s a great opportunity.  Go for it, Justin.



“It almost sounds like you’ll be glad to see me go.”



“I didn’t say that.”



“Don’t you want me here?”  The quiver in Justin’s voice was more noticeable.



“Of course I do, but you shouldn’t pass up a chance like this.  I don’t want to hold you back from all the experiences that life has to offer.”



“Well, I’m not going!  I’m not leaving you!”



Brian’s heart leaped.  That was exactly what he wanted Justin to say and do.  He needed him here.  But how could he be that selfish?  Justin deserved this opportunity.  He had been through so much.  Brian had to let him go.



“Justin, as much as I want you here, I can’t let you do that.”



Justin looked relieved at the first part of Brian’s statement, and heartbroken at the end of it.



“You really want me to go?  To leave you?” he asked, tears welling up.  He tried to fight them back.



Brian didn’t know how to answer that.  He honestly thought that Justin should take this opportunity, but he also wanted him in Pittsburgh in his bed every night.  He wasn’t sure he could survive five months without Justin, but he didn’t want to hold the boy back from the success he deserved.



Finally, with a sigh, he said, “I don’t want you to go, but ... you’re going.  It would be stupid not to.  You don’t want me to have to call you a ‘stupid jerk’, do you?”



Justin smiled ruefully at that.  “I never want to be called that,” he said, remembering Brian’s story about his grandmother.  “Do you really think I should go?”



“Yes. I do.”



“But what about us?” Justin asked.



“There’ll still be an ‘us’.  Just because you go to New York doesn’t mean we’re through.”



“Are you sure?  We’ve never been apart for more than a few days, since we got back together.”



“I know.  It won’t be easy,” Brian admitted.



“I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t want to be away from you.  I’m afraid something bad will happen.”



“Like what?  You’ll find a better lover?  Impossible.  You’ll forget me?  I’m unforgettable.  You’ll fall in love with New York and refuse to come back to the Pitts?  Very possible.”



Justin had to laugh at that.  “You do have a high opinion of yourself.  I’d never forget you or replace you, but you might find someone to replace me.  You can have your pick of just about anyone.”



“Just about anyone?’



“All right!  Anyone.  Everyone.  That’s the problem.”



“No, it isn’t.  Haven’t you figured out that I’m impossible to live with?  No one else can do the job.  Only you.”



“Oh, Brian,” Justin said.  “I love you.”  He leapt from his chair and flung himself at Brian.  On Brian’s lap he kissed him again and again and again.  Finally he stopped and hugged Brian as hard as he could, like he would never let go.



“You’re squeezing the fucking life out of me,” Brian said.



“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to let you go.”



“I’m not going anywhere; you are, and it won’t be for a few weeks yet.  We have lots of time to be together before that happens.”



“It won’t be enough.  Will you come to New York some weekends to visit me?  I’ll be so lonely without you.”



“I think that could be arranged,” Brian said softly, realizing that Justin had made the decision to go.  He didn’t know whether to be happy for the boy or sad for himself.



“I don’t know whether to be excited or miserable,” Justin said, mirroring Brian’s emotions.



Brian laughed.  “I was just thinking the same thing.”



“Will you make love to me right now?  I need to be close to you.”



Brian kissed him and they walked up to the bedroom.  They slowly undressed each other, wanting to memorize the look, the touch, the feel of each other.  Brian wondered how he could survive five months without his boy.  They were so in tune, so perfectly suited.  He would be so lonely, so bereft.  “How did I become so dependent on him?” Brian wondered.  “I’m going to have to pull away or I’ll never be able to let him go.  But not tonight,” he thought.



They came together in passion and lust and love. The feeling was bittersweet at first.  They turned each other on and pushed each other to the limits of bearable ecstasy.  This time it went beyond.  The need to be together, to be close, to be one was excruciating.  The physical aspect of it exhausted them, but the emotional aspect filled them with love and longing and wonderment.



“What am I going to do without you for five months?” Brian whispered, as he tried to make his breathing come back to normal.



“You don’t have to.  Come to New York every weekend,” Justin suggested, only half kidding.



Brian chuckled.  “I do have other things to do, you know.”



“Tricks?” Justin asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.



“I haven’t tricked in months.  You’re too exhausting.”



“But if I’m not here.”



“I can’t promise I won’t,” Brian said seriously.  He really wanted to make that promise, but didn’t think he would be able to keep it.  “You know me, but I know I don’t really want anyone but you.”



“Could you take a week or two off and stay with me in New York?  We could space it out,” Justin said hopefully.



“Maybe,” Brian said, liking the sound of that.  “But things are a little tense at work.  Vance would still like to get me if he can.  I have to stay on top of things.”



“That doesn’t sound very promising,” Justin sighed.



“I know, but I’m not sure what I’ll be able to do.  I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.”



“But you’ll come if you can?”



“Of course.  I’ll come and come and come,” Brian joked, trying to lighten the moment.



“You and your sexual innuendos.”



“They’re more than innuendos!”



“True,” Justin said.  “Want to show me again?”



“Always.”



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The next morning they awoke wrapped around each other, still basking in the togetherness they had shared the night before.  On some level they were both worried.  The reality of being separated was never far from the surface of their thoughts and none of the activities, no matter how orgasmic, could wipe that nagging worry away.



They had a little morning action in the shower, and when they had finished each other off, they clung together not wanting to part for work or school.  Eventually they had to leave the safety of the shower and face the real world.  As they shaved, side by side, Justin asked, “What are you going to do without me?”



“I don’t know,” Brian answered honestly.



“You can do as many guys as you want,” Justin offered.  “I know you have a huge sexual appetite.”



Brian snorted, and went quickly into the bedroom.  He dressed in a hurry.



“Brian,” Justin said from the bathroom, “don’t walk away from me.”


“I don’t want to hear this,” Brian said rather severely.



“But we should talk about it.”



“No, we shouldn’t.  Not now.  Maybe never,” Brian said, finishing dressing.



Justin stepped into the bedroom.  “I just mean that it’s all right if you trick while I’m gone.  You don’t need to tell me.  I’ll understand that it’s necessary.”



“Shut the fuck up, Justin!” Brian said, struggling with his emotions.  He wanted to promise Justin that there would be no one else, wanted that so badly, but he knew he couldn’t say that because he didn’t think he could do it.  He didn’t want to hear Justin giving him permission to be weak.



“But it’s all right, Brian,” Justin continued.



“What part of shut the fuck up don’t you understand?” Brian demanded.  He grabbed his coat and keys and stormed out.  As he slammed the loft door behind him, he heard Justin call his name, but he kept on going.



He drove to work on automatic pilot, refusing to think about what had happened, and what the future would be like with Justin in New York.



“Morning, boss,” Cynthia said, as he walked into the office.



“Yeah,” Brian grunted, not even stopping.



“It’s going to be a good day,” Cynthia thought to herself.  A response like that meant Brian was in a foul mood.  She decided she better suck it up and see if she could help.



“Brian?” she said, sticking her head into his office.



“What?” he snapped.



“Well, excuuuse me!” she replied.  “I thought you might like to go over the program for today, but apparently you just want to bite my head off.”



“Sorry,” Brian said, realizing he was being a prick, and was taking out his bad humors on Cynthia.  “Come on in.”



“That’s better,” she said, sitting down.



“Don’t start!” he warned her.



“Start what?” she asked innocently.



He groaned and gave her the look that said leave it alone.  She wasn’t about to.  “You might as well tell me.  Otherwise you’ll never get anything done all day.”



Brian didn’t want to talk about it, but he knew Cynthia was right.



“Justin’s going to New York for five months for a special art program,” Brain said, trying to make the statement without revealing his feelings.



“Oh,” Cynthia said.  She didn’t know what else to say.  “When does he leave?”



“Middle of January.”



“That gives you a few weeks.”



“Yeah.”



“You can visit him.”



“Sure.”



“You could take a couple of weeks off and go to New York.”



“Right.”



“I don’t know what else to say,” Cynthia gave up.



“That makes two of us.”



They looked at each other, not knowing how to make it any better.



“Let’s get to work,” Brian said finally, wanting to work about as much as he wanted Justin to be separated from him.



The long and boring day gradually slipped away.  As soon as he could, Brian started to tidy up his desk, getting ready to leave.



“I’m off,” Cynthia said, sticking her head into his office.  “See ya tomorrow.”



“Good night,” Brian replied.  “And ... I’ll try to be in better humor tomorrow,”



“That would be nice,” Cynthia responded.  “I probably shouldn’t say this, but I understand that it will be difficult for you with Justin in New York.”



Brian grimaced.



“I want you to know I’m always ready to listen if you want to talk.  I’ll do anything I can to help.”



Brian was touched by her offer, but he refused to appear needy.  “Thanks, but you’re the wrong gender,” Brian joked.



Cynthia blushed.  “That wasn’t what I was offering,” she stammered.



“I know.  I do appreciate your concern.  Good night,” he said, not wanting this to go any further.



Cynthia took off.



“Shit,” Brian thought.  “She feels sorry for me.  Everyone else will too.  That’s the last thing I need.  How am I going to keep them all from smothering me?  The only one I want is the one who won’t be here.”



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All the way to the loft Brian tried to figure out what he was going to say to Justin.  He knew the boy would be mad about him walking out this morning.  How was he going to explain that without laying himself bare to Justin’s pity?  The kid would be all too ready to say he was staying in Pittsburgh, if Brian gave him the least reason.  He didn’t want to do that.



As he approached the loft, the knot in his stomach got larger and tighter.  Instead of turning on to his street, his hands kept the Jeep going straight, and he knew he was heading to the comic book store.  He wasn’t ready to face Justin.



Michael looked up from the computer when the bell above the door jingled.  He was getting ready to close.  There were no customers in the store.



“Hey, stranger,” Michael said, smiling.



“Hey, yourself,” Brian replied.



“Haven’t seen you for awhile,” Michael observed, a little hurt that Brian didn’t make an effort to see him more often.



“Yeah,” was Brian’s only reply.



“So what brings you by?”



“Want to grab something to eat at the diner?”



Michael looked at him, wondering what was going on.  “Sure,” he said, “but I better give Ben a call.”  He turned to the phone as Brian watched him.



Brian wondered what he was doing there.  He should be talking to Justin, but he was sure it would lead to a fight, and he just couldn’t face that.  Michael was always so accepting, rarely fought with him, but also didn’t pity him.  That’s what he needed right now.  He wondered how much he could tell Michael.



“Brian.”  He vaguely heard Michael.  “Brian.  Earth to Brian.  Where were you?”  Michael asked.



“Thinking,” Brian replied.



“Ben’s still at the university.  He’s got some papers to grade, and he’ll grab a bite there, so let’s go.”



“Do you always check in with him?” Brian asked.



“Sure, don’t you check with Justin?”



“No, not always,” Brian said, realizing that Justin was probably wondering where he was right now, why he hadn’t come home.  He pushed that thought away.  “Come on,” he said, heading out of the store.



They walked the couple of blocks to the diner, and grabbed a booth.  Debbie was working this shift and came right over.



“Hi, you two.  What are you doing here for dinner without your significant others?”



“Boys night out,” Brian replied.



“Left the little women at home?” she joked.



“Ma, Ben would not appreciate that!”



“Sorry, so what’ll you have?”



They ordered and Debbie bustled away.



“How are things at the store?” Brian asked, not ready to talk about anything more serious.



“Doing okay.  I had this snot-nosed little brat come in on the weekend.  He was with his father, probably had the kid for the weekend.  He pressured his father to buy him $300 worth of comics.”



“Lucky little shit!” Brian commented.



“Yeah, except that he didn’t seem very happy, even after he got everything he wanted.  Whined the whole time.”



“How do you put up with people like that?”



“Same way you do with clients you don’t like.  It’s business.”


“Yeah,” Brian agreed.



Dinner arrived without comment from Debbie, who had several other tables to look after.  They started to eat, Michael watching Brian, trying to figure out why they were there.



“Justin’s going to New York for five months,” Brian said, out of the blue.



“What?  Five months?  Why?”  So this was why Brian had sought out his best friend.  He was worried about Justin going away.



“He got selected for some special art program there.”



“Oh!  He never told me,” Michael said, thinking about Rage.



“He just found out yesterday.”



“And he’s going?  Just like that?”



“He said he wasn’t going at first, but I told him he had to go.  He shouldn’t pass up an opportunity like this.”

“You told him to go?”



“Yeah.”



“But don’t you want him here?”



“Of course I do, but I’m not going to stand in his way.”



Michael thought about this.  “I’m not sure I could let Ben go away for five months.  When he told me he was going to go to Tibet, I thought I would die.  I finally told him it was all right to go, but I was so relieved when he changed his mind.”



“But Justin is going,” Brian said definitely.



“You can visit him on weekends,” Michael offered.



“Yeah,” Brian snorted.  “Everybody seems to think that makes it all right.  There’s a lot of days between weekends.”



“What are you saying?”



“I don’t know.  I’m worried ... scared,” Brian admitted.



Michael was dumbfounded.  He could not remember Brian ever saying he was scared about anything, except that horrible night of the prom when Justin almost died.



“What do you think is going to happen?” Michael asked.



“I wish I knew.”



“Do you think you can trust him?” Michael had to ask, remembering the Ethan fiasco, and his role in it.



“I can trust him,” Brian said, sure of that.  “It’s me who can’t be trusted.”



“What?”



“You heard me.  Even Justin knows I can’t be trusted.  This morning he gave me permission to trick while he’s gone.  That’s how weak he thinks I am.  We had a fight about it.”



“Is that why you’re here?” Michael asked.



“Yeah.”



“What can I do?”



“You’re doing it.”



“What do you mean?” Michael smiled.



“You listen.  You don’t judge.  You don’t pity me.”



“Pity you?” Debbie asked, coming to the table and hearing the end of Brian’s statement.



“Don’t start, Deb,” Brian said.



Michael gave his mother a look that told her to back off.  “Let’s go, Brian,” he said.



Brian threw down some money, and they stood up to leave.



“See ya,” Deb added, as they went out the door.  She couldn’t help but wonder what was going on.  She’d find out from Michael later.



Michael and Brian walked back to the Jeep.



“I’ll drive you to Ben’s,” Brian said.



“Thanks,” Michael replied, “but you’re going to have to go home and face him eventually.”



“I know, but I’ll drive you anyway.”



They got in the Jeep and Brian began to drive.



“What are you going to do about Justin?” Michael asked.



“Apologize for walking out on him.”


“And...”



“And make sure he grabs this chance.”



“And?”



“What are you getting at?” Brian asked testily.



“You two need to work out what’s going to happen while Justin’s away,” Michael said sensibly.



“But I don’t know what’s going to happen ... to him ... or to me.  That’s the problem.”



“I think you do know, but that’s what you’re too scared to discuss with him.”



“What?”



“The only other time I’ve ever heard you say you were scared was when Justin got bashed.  You were afraid he might die, that you were going to lose him.  Is that what you think now, that he’ll find someone else or not come back?  That’s what you need to talk to him about.  As long as he wants to come back to you, everything else, including tricks, won’t really matter.”



Brian glanced over at Michael, not saying anything, but absorbing what he had said.  He didn’t reply for a minute or two.  Michael waited.  They pulled up to Ben’s apartment building.  Michael made no move to get out of the car.



“You think if he promises to come back, everything will be fine?” Brian finally asked.



“I didn’t say that.  There are no guarantees.  Either one or both of you could screw up while you’re apart.  What I meant was that you need to talk about what he means to you.  He has to know he’s the important one.  I know he’s told you how important you are to him.  That’s what will bring him back, if that’s what you want.  Nothing else that happens will change that.”



“You think so?’



“I do.”



“You’re telling me to bare my soul to him.”



“Yes.  I know that isn’t high on your list of things to do, but I think you need to do it, for both your sakes.”



“Easy for you to say.”  Brian grimaced.



“I didn’t say it would be easy, Brian.  But I think you know I’m right.”



“I guess I do.”



“Good.  Then go do it!” Michael said, getting out of the car.  He leaned back in, looking into Brian’s eyes.  “I really am trying to help,” he said honestly.



“Thanks, Mikey,” Brian said, as he leaned over and gave him a kiss.



Brian drove off.  All the way to the loft he mulled over what Michael had said.  He knew deep down that Michael was right.  He needed to tell Justin how important he was in his life and in his heart.  Their worst problems had been the result of Brian holding back, refusing to reveal the depths of his feelings for Justin.  Brian wondered if he would always feel that reluctance to expose himself, even to Justin.  They had come a long way in communicating, but Brian knew he often didn’t say the things that Justin wanted to hear.  Even when he actually wanted to say them, it was still hard for him to get them out.  He was such a coward.  Instinct and experience told him to keep his feelings to himself.  Revealing too much gave others the power to hurt you.  But he knew Justin didn’t want to hurt him, only to love him.  He made his decision as he pulled up to the loft.  He would tell Justin what he knew the boy needed to hear, and what was true.  He would do this and suffer the consequences whatever they might be.



Brian took a deep breath and pulled back the loft door.  Justin sat on the couch, his back to the door.  He didn’t even glance up at Brian.



“Justin,” Brian said, knowing this was going to be difficult.



The boy turned cold, sad eyes on him, but didn’t say anything.



“I’m sorry,” Brian said, not knowing how else to begin.



“Sorry’s bullshit!” Justin retaliated, hitting back at Brian with his own words.  “How many times have I asked you not to walk out on me?”



Brian groaned.  “I was angry.  Sometimes you just won’t back off, no matter how much I ask you to.”



“So now it’s my fault!”  Justin’s voice rose in anger.



“I don’t want to fight.  That’s not why I came home.”



“It took you long enough to get here.  Where have you been?”



“Work.  Michael,” Brian replied.



“Michael?”



“I needed to talk to someone.”



“But not me!”


“No, not you.  Someone not involved.”



“I just don’t get it.  All we’ve been through, with Frank’s counseling, promises we’ve made, and you still walk out on me and go to someone else.”  Justin shook his head.



“I said I was sorry,” Brian repeated lamely.



“What are you sorry about anyway?” Justin demanded, wanting to see if Brian really got the point.



“That I make you angry.  That we can’t work things out without all this crap!”



Justin looked at him, trying to comprehend what Brian was telling him.



“I have something to say to you,” Brian said, deciding he better get this out before another fight prevented it or, more likely, before he chickened out.



“What?” Justin asked, allowing his anger to subside a little.



“I don’t want you to go to New York, but I still think you should go.  I stormed out this morning because I was ... I am ... scared.”  There he had said it.



“Scared?”  Justin’s eyes were huge.  “Of what?”


“Of everything.  Of losing you.  Of being alone.  Of screwing everything up.  I have such a good track record in that department.  Of tricking.  Of being weak.  Of failing you.”



“Failing me?” Justin asked in disbelief.  “I thought you thought I’d fail you.  You know, like the Ethan thing.”


“I’m scared of that too,” Brian admitted.  “I don’t know if we can survive being apart for that long.  We‘ve had enough troubles being together.  We always seem to manage to fuck up somehow.”


“Maybe I shouldn’t go.  That would solve everything,” Justin said, seeing that as the only solution.



“What would that solve?  We’ll be together, but you’ll have resentment that you missed this big opportunity.  You’d always wonder what might have been.  Somewhere down the line we’re going to be separated, or we’ll have to give up every exciting opportunity that comes along.  I think we need to do this.  It will be a good test of our trust and commitment to each other.”


“But if I go, we could fail the test.  What can we do?”



“There’s one thing,” Brian said, remembering Michael’s advice.  He took a deep breath.



“What?” Justin asked, looking desperate.  “Tell me, Brian.”



“I love you.  You are the most important person in the world to me.  I’m going to be miserable and pathetic and insane without you, but you need to go, seize this opportunity.  I’ll do my best not to trick or do anything else that will ruin what we have together.  But even if I screw up, you have to know that you are the one I want, the only one I want, the only one I love.  We can survive this test.”



“Oh, Brian, I feel exactly the same way.  We can’t guarantee that nothing bad will happen, but I’ll still love you no matter what, and I’ll be back.  Guaranteed!”



Justin stood and found himself wrapped in Brian’s arms.



“That’s what I was trying to tell you this morning,” Justin said, “but it didn’t come out right.”



“I wasn’t much in the mood to listen either.”


“Were you really scared?”



“Shitless!”



Justin laughed.  “Why didn’t you say so?”



“You know I don’t do fear,” Brian tried to joke.



“So why are you admitting it now?”



“Michael.”


“Michael?” Justin was floored.



“He told me to tell you how important you are to me, and then it would be more likely that you’d come back.”


“He said that?”



“Yep.”



“When did Michael get so smart?” Justin asked.



“Since he went through the same thing when Ben was going to go to Tibet,” Brian explained.



“But Ben didn’t go.”



“Yeah, but they still had to face it, and deal with it, before he made the decision to stay here.”



“I guess,” Justin said.  “I still think maybe it would be best for me to stay here too, forget about the course in New York.”



“No fucking way!  You’re going and we’ll deal with it.”


“Are you sure?”



“I’m sure!  Now get out of those clothes.  I have to fuck you blind, so you won’t be able to even look at anyone else while you’re gone.”



“That sounds like a tall order,” Justin said, grinning.  “Think you can manage that?”



“Let’s get started, now!”  Brian wasn’t kidding.  He hoped he could stockpile enough sex, enough memories, enough love, to see him through five months without his Justin.  He was sure as shit going to try!