BRIAN

When Justin agreed to counseling, he also told me that it might be better to see someone where he didn’t have to be careful about revealing anything we needed to talk about. He told me we needed to get everything out in the open, and that would require someone who was approved. It took us a couple of days before we were sent a list of people who were cleared. The list only contained a few names, one of which was Alex Wilder. I had to wonder why, in a city as big as Pittsburgh, and with as many counselors as there were, the list was so small. I never really believed in counseling, because I knew my problems and talking about them didn’t change them. Only this time, it wasn’t just about me, but us and our marriage. 

Alex smiled when we came in, letting us sit where we wanted. He told us if we needed a break to ask for one, and we’d stop until we were ready to talk again. I didn’t know where to start, so I asked him why he was on the list. 

“It’s not because there was anything wrong with all the other therapists. In my case, I’ve done this before with other people who worked for the government and agreed to the stipulations. Which we also need to discuss. One is that anything to do with anything Justin’s done in the past is included in a report sent to them. It will not include anything about your relationship, just so we are clear, and it was agreed when they told me you would be the patient, that anything I send, you get to read before it leaves my office.” He tells me.

“They want to know what Justin says?” I ask.

“It’s something I agreed to from the beginning. They want to make sure the people working for them don’t compromise themselves, and it’s also to make sure we get help if we need it. Nick’s team sees someone after every mission. I’ll admit, at first I thought it was a waste of time, since what I do wasn’t as dangerous, but it helped that I had someone to talk to. Other than Nick, you know more than the people in my life, which I know you don’t think you do.” Justin tells me.

“Let’s get started, our session will be longer today, but I don’t want to go past two hours. Only because it can get taxing to tell each other things. Normally each appointment is no longer than an hour at most, but I don’t want you to feel like there was a clock over your head, we end our sessions when you both want it to. Brian, one of the things we are going to do, since we do know each other and I know a lot about your life, is that I want you to put aside what I know and treat me like we just met. I know you're both here to work through the problems that have led to Justin filing for divorce. My first question is - are you both committed to trying to avoid the end of your marriage, or are you here because you want to be able to be friends after the divorce?” Alex asks.

“I don’t want the divorce, I want to figure out how to regain the trust I lost with Justin and my children.” I tell him.

“I want to stay married to Brian, because I love him. It’s just not easy for me to believe he won’t end up letting other people cause the same problems they have since the beginning.” Justin tells him.

“I’m assuming this has to do with Brian’s friends?” He asks.

“Yes, but after the last couple of days, I have to include my friends too.” Justin tells him.

“You both feel like there’s blame to go around?” He asks.

“We were happy until I let Michael’s problems become mine.” I tell Justin, who shook his head no.

“You don’t agree?” Alex asks Justin.

“Michael’s problems have always seemed to fall on Brian, even when Ben was alive. It’s one of the reasons I stayed away after we broke up the first time. I got tired of the way, that if Michael said something, Brian believed him, never questioning it. There was also an unspoken rule with his friends that no one said anything to upset Michael. I started changing who I was; which has never been quietly taking bullshit from anyone.” Justin tells us.

“Why take it from Michael?” Alex asks.

“Because in the beginning, we weren’t more than two guys who liked fucking each other. I didn’t see any reason to worry about the shit Michael did. When Brian and I got back together, Michael wasn’t the reason we ended it.” Justin tells him.

“So Michael isn’t the only problem?” Alex asks him.

“He didn’t help, but there were other things too. I had problems with Brian’s double standards from beginning to end. We agreed to an open relationship, which caused the people in his life to make sure I knew he didn’t pine away for me when I was away. I dealt with it, never letting it cause problems between us. Only Brian couldn’t do the same, which led to our second separation from each other. When we got back together again, I was ready to end it the night at Deb’s house, because I was frustrated with everything. That was the night he proposed. I ended up saying yes, instead of walking away.” He tells us.

“Normally the answer would be no if that was how you were feeling. Why say yes?” Alex asks.

“I didn’t want to leave, but for him to give me a reason to stay. Only it left this doubt in my head as to why he did it. His friends would constantly take bets on how long we’d stay together, so why would he want to propose in front of them?” Justin tells me.

“Brian, before you answer Justin, I need to ask Justin a question.” Alex tells me, saving me, since I didn’t really want him to hear why I proposed that night. “Was there a reason Michael bothered you more than Brian’s other friends, who in essence weren’t being very supportive of you two by making bets?” 

“It wasn’t fun to hear, but they all did that kind of thing to each other, so in a way it was more annoying than upsetting. Michael, on the other hand, always made sure I understood exactly how he felt.” Justin tells him.

“Brian, you want to answer Justin now?” He asks.

“I didn’t plan to propose that night. I did plan to ask, just not that night.” I tell Justin.

“So, why did you?” Alex asks, what Justin waited in silence for.

“I knew he was going to walk away again. And I knew if he left this time, he wasn’t coming back.” I tell him.

“Was that true at the time?” Alex asks Justin.

“Yes.” Justin tells us.

“Yet you said yes and stayed.” Alex reminds us. “How was your marriage before everything that happened?” 

“Good, we fought sometimes but it wasn’t anything memorable.” I tell him.

“Was that how you saw it?” Alex asks Justin.

“Pretty much, I mean I wasn’t thrilled when Deb and Michael showed up. I knew Brian tried to make a point of not inviting them often.” Justin tells him.

“What happened when they came over? I want you to answer that Brian.” Alex tells me.

“They treated Justin as if he was the hired help, while they made themselves at home. I let myself believe they treated my home the way the gang treated Deb’s house. When I ended up in the hospital, I realized they never used Justin’s name.” I tell him.

“What did they use instead?” Alex asks us.

“Him, my husband, and other things that I won’t repeat.” I tell him.

“They usually just didn’t acknowledge I was there, but if they had to, they talked around me.” Justin tells him. 

“That didn’t bother you.” Alex asks me.

“Justin no longer complained about it. Not that he complained about it often anyway. Instead he let his silence do all his talking, to the point where I did the same thing. We still talked to each other, and Justin didn’t seem to have a problem with anyone but Michael and Deb.” I tell him.

“Were they the only friends you had a problem with?” Alex asks Justin.

“I wasn’t best friends with his other friends at first, but over time I grew to really like and respect them. Michael and I started off in a bad place, and it only got worse over time. I didn’t feel like I could say anything to Brian, because he’d make me feel like it was my fault for not trying harder to get them to like me. If Michael or Deb said something, he found a way to see it as them being right about me. Right now, Brian says they’re out of his life, but after years of Deb and Michael being able to find a way to get Brian to do what they want, I have a hard time believing they won’t again. It’s why I don’t ask him to choose, because I want him to do it without it some day being something he could throw back at me.” He tells Alex.

“If Justin asked you to choose, what would your answer have been?” He asks.

“I chose him, the one time he asked.” I tell him.

“When I asked Michael not be included in our wedding?” Justin asks.

“It wasn’t a lot to ask, when it was supposed to be a day for us.” I tell him.

“Can we stop?” Justin asks, tears in his eyes.

“I think we’ve made a good start, but if you need to talk then don’t wait for your next appointment.” Alex tells us.

Justin and I agreed to set the next appointment before I started chemo. We didn’t talk the whole way to his house. Gus opened the door, looking angry, then asked if I could talk to him outside. 

“I don’t want Cameron to think I’m mad at Dad, which I’m not.” Gus tells Justin.

“I’ll fix lunch, if you need me just come get me.” Justin tells us.

Gus walked until we reached the end of the driveway. He paced around for a couple minutes, before looking at me.

“What is wrong with my parents? It’s the question I ask myself every time one of you does something completely stupid. What you did pissed me off, but only because Deb and Michael treat everything they do for someone as a debt that you will owe them the rest of your life, and you let them. Mom and Mama, make me wish I was an immaculate conception!” He tells me.

“What did they do now?” I ask, not even touching anything about me, since he wasn’t really mad at me.

“Right now it’s Mom, she… she… Jesus, I can’t even believe she did it.” Gus tells me, pacing again. “She was getting money from you and telling Mama that Michael was giving it to them. She even told Mama it was up to you what they got for Jenny, and that you were tired of Mel saying shit about you. Only now she’s worried, because, like a total blonde to her roots, she found out that you were going to make Michael deal with his own shit for a change. Which means Mama could find out that the money came from you, and well, Mama wouldn’t be happy that Mom lied her ass off and that you gave her more than Mama knows about for Jenny. Want to hear the best part? She went to talk to Michael, and gave him this address when Michael demanded it for his silence. Oh wait, there’s more! Guess where she found the fucker? In the other house, making himself at home.” Gus tells me.

“I need to talk to Jen.” I tell him.

“Did you not hear what Mom did?” Gus asks.

“I did. But right now I need to call and report that Michael was breaking and entering. Then I need Jen to sell the house, since we won’t be living there anymore.” I tell him.

“I’m sorry I told Justin to leave you. I just wanted him to be happy again.” Gus tells me.

“Gus, he didn’t leave because you told him to, but because the marriage wasn’t working. If it helps, we decided to try to work things out.” I tell him.

“I feel guilty that I told him you weren’t worth the shit we were dealing with.” Gus tells me.

“Gus, nothing you did made Justin walk away. That’s all on me.” I tell him.

“Just give him a reason to stay this time.” Gus asks me, wrapping his arms around me.

“I promise, Sonny Boy.” I tell him.

Gus went in when Cameron yelled at us that Daddy ordered everyone to eat. I waited for Gus to go in before I made the call that would have Deb screaming all over Liberty Avenue. I also called and warned Ted and Emmett, since they took care of my family while I was off being the asshole Mel and Deb love to tell everyone I am. For the first time, with my next call I didn’t spare a thought to Lindsay’s feelings or Mel’s belief that I was all the reasons her marriage had problems.

“What do you want?” Mel growls, as soon as she answers her phone.

“Just to let you know that since Lindsay decided to tell Michael where Justin lives, that you will get a fax from Ted detailing every cent I paid to take care of your daughter. Fuck you, too.” I tell her, hanging up on her.