BRIAN 

Two days after Deb was removed from Kinnetik I could no longer pretend it didn’t bother me. I started questioning everything she ever did, then the itch to drown out everything started and I jumped on Justin’s ass for handing me another shake. I wanted to get rip roaring drunk and yell at Justin for coming into my life. For giving me a reason to give a shit about anything. I couldn’t do what I used to and lose myself in sin and vice, because if I did, Justin might finally give up on me. Instead I held it in, hating myself for even thinking that none of this shit would have happened if I hadn’t fallen irrevocably in love with him. That was the thought that stopped me, that I would be blaming him for the other people in my life. Blaming him because he saw something about Deb and Michael that I refused to believe. 

Alex made time to see me, and Justin thought it would be better if I talked to Alex alone. He didn’t want me holding back for fear of upsetting him, and I was relieved he didn’t push to be there. Before I went into the office, I called him.

“Thank you for not pushing.” I tell him, hanging up.

Alex sat in the opposite chair, waiting for me to talk. Like Justin, he waited for me to be ready.

“I tried to tell myself I didn’t care.” I tell him. 

“Can you explain what you mean buy that?” He asks. 

“That I didn’t care that Deb and Michael were using me all my life.” I tell him. 

“How did you decide they were? And remember what I said. We are talking as if I didn't know you or anyone you know.” He tells me. 

“After I had Deb removed from Kinnetik, I wanted to believe that I didn't give a shit that I was nothing more to Deb than Michael’s keeper. Only, I started blaming Justin for opening my eyes, and like everything else, none of it was his fault, but mine.” I tell him.

“Brian, I’m going to break the rules for a second. One of the things that I’ve personally witnessed when Deb and Michael were around not only you, but the rest of the gang, was Deb’s way of getting all of you to believe that if it wasn’t for you or one of the guys, Michael wouldn’t do the things he does. Another thing you have to remember is that you came from a history of abuse, and what Deb was offering would have been hard for you to see as anything but kindness. The biggest problem you are dealing with is that you were being taught by Deb that love came with conditions. From the things I’ve heard about you and Justin, what you had with Justin would have been confusing for you, which is something only you can tell me if it’s true.” He tells me.

“He never really pushed me to do anything, it was more me pushing him. When he told me no, it just made me want to make him change his mind. He was the first person that I didn’t care if I broke all my rules for.” I tell him.

“In what ways?” He asks.

“I kept showing up wherever he was until he agreed to a date. Then I spent all my time trying to find out anything anyone knew about him. I got his number from Lindsay, showing up when I knew he’d be somewhere. In general, I stalked his ass.” I smile.

“What was it about him that made you do it?” He asks.

“He doesn’t see himself as the person he is. He befriended Gus for no other reason than he loves my son… our son. When he disappeared, his first thoughts were to make sure my son knew he was okay. He didn’t hold the shit I did the first time we broke up against me when we got back together.” I tell him.

“What happened to break you up when you were first together?” He asks.

“We aren’t going to talk about Deb and Michael?” I ask, not really wanting to say it was me being a jealous asshole.

“We are going to talk about them, but first I want to hear what happened.” He tells me.

“Justin stayed friends with guys he tricked with, so we’d occasionally run into them. When I went to see Justin after he left for a job, I ended up screwing the guy who pissed me off by touching Justin like he owned him.” I tell him.

“Was Justin letting him do it to make you jealous?” He asks.

“I doubt Justin really thought anything about the way the guy was acting. It wasn’t anything more than what he deals with at shows when people circle around him. It was me being pissed for being jealous that someone touched him.” I tell him.

“Justin broke up with you after he found out?” He asks.

“He walked in on it, but he waited until I told him why I did it. Then he dumped my ass, because he didn’t make an issue out of my tricks.” I tell him.

“When you and he got back together, it was after the accident?” He asks.

“A few months after, Lindsay told me where he’d be. He’d been avoiding my calls. So when Gus told me he saw Justin, I knew at that point if I wanted him back, calling him wouldn’t work.” I tell him.

“Did he tell you why he avoided talking to you?” He asks.

“I never asked, since we agreed to try again. Only, maybe I should have. It led to me having problems with him not telling me things.” I tell him.

“Like what happened to him?” He asks.

“It bothered me that he didn’t talk about it, but it was also the way he seemed to have this life with me, and another one without me. I got pissed when it felt like he was keeping shit from me, but knew all about my life. I practically threw him out the door, not realizing that the next time I saw him, he wouldn’t even remember me.” I tell him.

“What was it like for you to know he forgot only you?” He asks.

“I felt like he erased me because everything I did to him was shit.” I tell him.

“Was that how he described your relationship when he remembered?” He asks.

“All he really said was that he was late coming home.” I tell him, smiling.

“Justin never made you feel like in order for him to love you, you had to play a certain role. Something you were taught to believe, by the two people who were the first people to say they loved you. It’s why I wanted to talk to you about Justin first; to show you the difference in what Deb and Michael call love, and what you experienced with Justin. Earlier you mentioned that you started to blame Justin for making you see the truth about Michael and Deb. Why did you place your anger on Justin?” He tells me.

“It’s irrational, but until we met, what they did never bothered me.” I tell him.

“You had nothing invested in anyone before Justin. One of the things we need to deal with is how unhealthy your relationship with Michael and Deb was. Even if you ignored how Justin was dealing with it, you’ve never been oblivious to it. You knew what Michael spent most of his life wanting what you gave to Justin. You said earlier you had a problem with the possessiveness that a former trick of Justin’s displayed. Was it any different than what Justin would have dealt with when it came to Michael and Deb?” He asks.

“I never fucked Michael.” I tell him.

“Why didn’t you?” He asks.

“He would have thought it meant more, when in the end it wouldn’t have been any different to me than a trick. If he understood the rules… hell, I just never wanted him. It’s why I pushed Michael to find someone, so he wouldn’t waste his life waiting for something I never promised him.” I tell him.

“Michael was allowed to have the life he wanted without having Ben subjected to what Michael was doing to Justin. Deb, while wanting you to make sure Michael had everything he wanted, didn’t care how it affected you. Why would she care? Because if Justin got your attention than who would be there to take care of Michael? It certainly wasn’t Ben’s job, even being the man who married Michael. Instead, Deb expected you to do everything Michael’s husband was suppose to do. When Ben left you in charge of everything concerning Michael, why not just refuse?” He asks.

“Because I knew when he blew through the money, he and Deb would expect me to support him. Something they’ve always expected from me. I was tired of feeling like a fucking bank to my friends.” I tell him.

“All your friends?” He ask.

“Ted and Emmett never asked for anything. Normally I had to find way to help them without them figuring it out. Justin came into this marriage my equal, financially.” I tell him.

“I noticed you didn’t name four others.” He tells me.

“I gave Lindsay and Mel the money, because they were supporting my son. When Lindsay called because Michael wasn’t helping, I did it for Jenny. Deb never asked for money, but didn’t turn it down when I left envelopes for her. The same way St Joan conveniently forgets all the reasons my soul needs saving when she takes money from me. When Ben put me in charge, Michael was no longer asking me for money, but using the money Ben left to take care of him. So I said yes, because for once, our friendship wasn’t Michael being the fucking golddigger he accuses Justin of being.” I tell him.

“I want to ask you about everything you just said. First taking care of Gus wasn’t just your responsibility. Lindsay and Mel wanted a child, the agreement in the beginning was what?” He asks.

“That I wasn’t going to be involved.” I tell him.

“When did they first come to you to help out financially?” He asks.

“Pretty much from the beginning. I paid for everything up to Gus’s birth. Then I paid for anything Gus needed that Lindsay and Mel couldn’t afford. Why are you bringing this up?” I ask.

“Because you did, and I think it’s not just about Deb and Michael for you. I think one of the problems you and Justin have stems from your past relationships with the people closest to you. In truth, I don’t need to ask you about Michael and Deb, or even Ben. I’ve seen it first hand, but it’s not about how I see it. You said you didn’t want to care about them, but for you that would be impossible.” He tells me.

“I spent my life not giving a shit.” I tell him.

“Then explain why, when any of your friends needed something you made sure they had it. If you didn’t give a shit, you wouldn’t have bothered. One of the things you can never be accused of, is not giving a shit. In a way, you care to deeply about the people around you, and you learned from childhood to hide care as indifference.” He tells me.

“So leaving Justin to take care of everything was my way of showing I care?” I ask, sarcastically. “Was skipping out on my childrens birthdays, how I fucking care? Was leaving Justin to believe that Michael was right, me saying I love you.” I sneered.

“Was it? Or was it that you couldn’t understand why Justin didn’t demand the way everyone else does? Did it make you question if he really loved you?” He asks.

“It’s the one thing I never questioned about Justin, I knew it deep into my soul that he loved me.” I tell him.

“Brian, being angry at Justin might be more about him leaving you without even telling you. You're focusing your attention on what Deb and Michael did, because you don’t want to blame Justin for doing anything to hurt your marriage. Which comes from you blaming yourself most of your life for things that you couldn’t change.” He tells me, shaking his head when I tried to interrupt. “Yes you did things that didn’t help the marriage, but it doesn’t change that Justin did the one thing you’ve feared most of your life, he left you. It’s something Michael, Deb, and even Lindsay could be counted on not to do. I could be wrong, but it just doesn’t really make much sense to blame Justin for being in your life. Unless what you're really angry about was that you almost lost the life he gave you when you met. I can understand the confusion you're feeling in regard to the others, because it’s natural to question yourself when the people that surrounded your life, turn out to be people other than who you thought they were. Only, do you and Justin the favor of talking about it, it’s not a weakness to let him see the things that hurt you. Trust him to do the opposite of what your past taught you happens when someone knows a way to hurt you.” He tells me.

“It’s the one thing I’ve always done, trusted him.” I tell him.