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BRIAN

 

Dr Turner was explaining to us what Gus told her. He sat there not saying much, but I could tell after he hugged me that some of the stress that he had been feeling was easing for him. 

 

“I'm going to speak for Gus until he's more comfortable talking for himself. At any time, if I say something you aren’t ready for your Dads to hear, stop me.” She tells him. 

 

“Gus there isn't anything we don't want to know, even if it hurts to hear.” I tell him. 

 

“I know, but I don’t like hurting anyone.” He tells me. 

 

“Let's get the hardest thing for Gus out of the way. The cancer scares him, and he avoided talking about it because it made it real to him. I think it would help him to not only know that you're getting treatment, but exactly why. He didn’t know it was to get rid of other potentially harmful cells that might have been left behind. Which is likely because you and Justin hadn’t realized he needed more information. Before you both get upset, it's natural to want to protect him from worry. Only it's better for him to know, because the unknown leaves him open to the fear it's worse than it is.” She tells us. 

 

“Brian, I chose Margo because she had prior experience with cancer.” Alex tells me. 

 

“You had cancer?” Justin asks.

 

“No, I was in your shoes. My husband was the one with testicular cancer. We made the same mistake you and Brian did, by only telling our children things that we thought would keep them from worrying. Only they weren’t blind to my husband losing weight and being sicker than before we found out. The biggest problem was, until chemo, they still saw the healthy father they've always seen, after, they saw only that their father was sick, not that he was doing what it took to get better. Gus is going to see it that way unless he knows it's just what it takes to get you better.” She tells him. 

 

“What about Cameron?” Gus asks, showing me how unselfish my son was. 

 

“At three, he wouldn't understand what any of this means. For Cameron you can be the brother you are by helping him when your Dad can't.” She tells him. 

 

“I thought you said I needed to concentrate on me.” He tells her. 

 

“Yes, but it won't change your need to shield your siblings from hurt. It's something you'll do because it's who you are. You need to understand that you're not alone and have people in your life to share the burdens you put on yourself. Which apparently you trust Justin to help you with, and even your father when he disappointed you. Something I think your father needs to know. Do you want to tell him?” She asks him.

 

“Sonny Boy, it's okay.” I tell him, when he looked at the floor.

 

“Why do you call me that?” He asks instead of answering.

 

“It's just a name that my father called me.” I tell him, then knowing he needed to understand why, when there was nothing good he heard about Jack. “I call you that because it was my way of changing what the name meant when my father said it. I wanted to turn a name I feared into a name that showed love.” I tell him. 

 

“When you called me the day after my birthday, I hung up because I didn’t want you to accuse me of being selfish.” He tells me. 

 

I felt like complete and utter shit to hear the way I made him feel, but it was honest and not meant to hurt me. Which means I needed to be honest with him about why I wasn't there.

 

“Michael took off when I told him I was going to spend time with you and Justin. He ended up wrecking his car. I was at the hospital because I had to authorize treatment. When they finished treating him for his minor injuries, he started saying he'd kill himself if I left. The doctor and Deb basically made me believe he was serious. So I stayed, not wanting it to affect you.” I tell him. 

 

“You could have told Justin.” He tells me. 

 

“I'm not sure I would've listen if he did.” Justin tells him. 

 

“At least that makes sense.” Gus says, like he was convincing himself.

 

“It still wasn't right that you felt that way. It doesn't change that I should've been there.” I tell him. 

 

“I can deal with it, because it wasn’t you not wanting to be there, but Michael causing you to deal with him. It's something I would do, because we both care about everyone, even when they don't deserve it.” Gus tells me. 

 

It eased the tension on my shoulders, to hear he thinks he gets his protector gene from me.

 

“Do you want me to continue?” She asks Gus.

 

“For now. I'm still not sure how to say some of the things.” Gus tells her. 

 

“Before we get to his mothers and his confusion over his sexuality, I want to talk about Justin and his sister. Gus, like all kids when parents are experiencing problems, feels it had something to do with him. He believes Justin left because he told him to.” She tells us. 

 

“I left because I needed to, and because I didn’t want you or Cameron to think you should stay in a situation because it's easier than leaving. It’s something Ben taught me, without realizing it was how I saw his relationship with Michael. I never stopped loving Brian, but I loved you more in wanting us to be happy. I was wrong to leave you at the house waiting on your Dad.” Justin tells him. 

 

“I wanted to, you didn't make me.” He tells Justin.

 

“It shouldn't have been something you did. I let you be the grown up, when it was my job to face him. I'm sorry I didn't realize the responsibility I was placing on you. Something I depended on you for, not remembering that you're still as young as you are.” Justin tells him.

 

“It felt good that you saw me as more than a kid.” Gus tells him. 

 

“What about Jenny?” Justin asks.

 

“I don't think it's fair to Hunter that he has to take care of her.” Gus tells us.

 

“Why?” I ask. 

 

“He's in college, just starting his life, instead of having fun, he's raising Jenny. I'm worried, because like me, Jenny’s dealing with our mothers crap.” He tells us. 

 

“You think Hunter is being asked too much?” Dr Turner asks.

 

“Well yeah, he doesn't have my dads the way I do. It might have sounded like I didn’t think Dad would listen to me, but I know he would. He was just lost for a while because Michael and Deb do that to him.” He tells her. 

 

“I think it’s time you know a few things about Hunter. He knows if he needs anything that all he has to do is call. I made sure that he didn’t have to worry about supporting himself until he could. Hunter took the money as a loan for what he needed. Which I respected, even though I wanted to make it easier on him. I wanted him to have the time to do all the things you said, experience college life. Only Hunter isn’t there to party, but to work towards his goals, so he isn’t missing out on anything, because he doesn’t like to waste his time on things. He also knows that even if we wanted to keep Jenny with us, we can’t because we don’t have any say in her life.” Justin tells him.

 

“I promise you, that if Jenny needs anything, I’ll do what I can to make sure she gets it.” I tell him.

 

“I think she needs to have someone to talk to like I do.” Gus tells us.

 

“I’m willing, but Gus, like your fathers said, they can’t do anything her mothers or father won’t allow.” Dr Turner tells him.

 

“We’ll figure it out, I’m sure Hunter could talk Mel into it.” Justin tells him.

 

“She used to listen to you.” Gus tells him.

 

“Since we are on his mothers, I think we should talk about the things that his mama said that affected Gus’s view of you.” She tells me.

 

“It’s just I don’t want to see s... sex... as something that isn’t special. In a way, even if she didn’t mean it, the way she talked about you, it bothered me.” Gus tells us, not having an easy time saying sex.

 

“What I was doing isn’t what you will.” I tell him.

 

“I know, but it didn’t help when she would say things like I was going to grow up looking like you. She didn’t mean it in a bad way, which I’m sure it sounds. It was more that she implied that I was going to be good looking and driving people crazy to want to be with me. It’s something she said one time, that she got why men couldn’t resist you, because you and I had something that naturally attracted people to us.” He tells me. I had a hard time processing that Mel saw me as anything but the asshole who ruined her life.

 

“And that led you to worry that you would view sex the same way?” Dr Turner asked him, while Gus blushed.

 

“She made it sound like it was inevitable that I was going end up as conceited as my Dad, because we were both attractive.” Gus tells us.

 

“Can I interject?” Alex asks, and continues at our nods. “In my opinion it wasn’t conceit, but that your Dad used sex as a way to be close to people, when the night was over they were gone because that was as close as he could handle.” He tells us.

 

“He kept Justin.” Gus tell him.

 

“I trusted Justin, because I knew he wouldn’t take what he knew about me and use it. Maybe it’s because Justin was good at keeping secrets, or that I knew he was the person I wanted in my life.” I tell him.

 

“Because Justin loves us for who we are.” Gus tells me, as Justin leaned into me, trying not to cry at Gus’s words or mine.

 

“Just like you love me for who I am.” Justin managed to get out.

 

“I told Dr Turner that I don’t know if I want Mom or Mama in my life right now.” He tells us.

 

“Because they’re breaking up or because of the way they tried to take you away from us?” I ask him.

 

“They’re always breaking up, but I don’t like that they think they know anything about what anyone needs when they can’t see what’s wrong with them. I didn’t tell you, but the reason I asked to live with you was because it got tiring to watch the two of them pretend they love each other anymore. Something I saw more clearly because I got to see what love was by watching you and Justin.” He tells us.

 

“Which means you understand that sex can be more than a game. Gus, one of the things that everyone will experience in life is that sometimes sex can mean different things. It doesn’t mean it’s anything less special because you don’t love the person, but that you enjoy what you're doing. It’s possible that for you, you need to be in love to enjoy it, which is perfectly fine. Just remember that when you do decide to take that step that it’s a step that comes with responsibility and shouldn’t be something you do unless you're ready and prepared.” Dr Turner tells him.

 

“It’s something Dad pretty much made sure I understood, that protection isn’t just for me but for the person I’m with.” He tells her.

 

“Which I’m glad you listened to him about, but it’s also something if you're not ready for, could hurt not just you but the person you're with, if you both go into something without an understanding of what it means to both people.” She tells me.

 

“It’s why I wouldn’t go further with Luke. I know he has a crush on me, but I’m not sure how I feel about him.” Gus tells us.

 

“It makes sense, because you aren’t sure about your sexuality.” Dr Turner adds.

 

“I know guys turn me on, but so do girls. After Mom screwed around with a guy, she used it sometimes to make Mel think it was her fault for not being all the things Mom wanted. It’s why I wish I was either straight or gay not in the middle.” Gus tells us.

 

“Being Bi is completely possible. For you it’s not the person’s gender, but the person. Which will make the person you fall in love with special because you love the person inside, not the packaging.” Justin tells him.

 

“I never really thought of it like that, but yeah, for me it’s about meeting the person who loves me the way my Dad loves you.” Gus tells him

 

We left with Gus saying he’d like to see Dr Turner again. Dr Turner asked what we thought of the chances of the mothers being willing to meet with her. She wanted to familiarize herself with the people in Gus’s life. I didn’t make any promises, because I knew it would be a fight to get Mel to believe anything. Gus was smiling when we left, saying he really didn’t believe talking would change anything, but it did. 

 

At least it was until his phone was ringing non-stop as we were leaving. He kept ignoring the calls, until as usual, Lindsay drove him crazy calling back after each time he sent her to voicemail. I wanted to ring her neck when Gus hung up and seemed lost about what he was supposed to do.

 

“What?” I ask him.

 

“Nothing, if Mama needs help she can call someone who she thinks is so much better than you.” He tells me.

 

“Gus, just tell us.” Justin tells him.

 

“Mama’s in jail, something about her fighting with Michael and Deb.” He tells us.

 

“Does Lindsay need the money to bail Mel out?” Justin asks.

 

“She said she wanted to talk to Justin about it, not you. I hung up when she started telling me she needed me to help her.” He tells us.

 

“What about Mel? Is she planning to get Mel out of jail?” I ask.

 

“Dad, it’s not your problem.” He tells me.

 

“I’ll go get her.” Justin tells us.

 

“No, you need to get Cameron and I’ll deal with this.” I tell them, not willing to listen to any argument.

 

I called Ted to tell him to find out what was going on and meet me at the police station. Carl was waiting for us when we got there. When he found out Ted and I were on our way he made Deb and Michael leave the station. Carl had an officer watch them when they insisted on sitting across the street, after finding out that I was on my way there. They both stood when I got out of the car but I didn’t bother with either of them and went straight in. Ted had learned and didn’t try to talk to them either. Ted went to see about the bail, mumbling under his breath that I needed to stop saving the idiots. 

 

“I want her to stay in the cell until after I talk to her.” I tell him, before following Carl to the cell.

 

Mel didn’t look like she’d been hurt, but then according to what Carl was able to hear, they made it sound like Mel just went nuts and started throwing punches.

 

“Did Lindsay even try to get Mel out?” I asked.

 

“I doubt she would when according to Deb, Mel hit Lindsay too. Which Lindsay didn’t deny, but she didn’t accuse Mel of anything, just didn’t defend Mel. I’m not really sure, other than the officers said Lindsay had a mark on her face that looked like someone slapped her. Which if I was a betting man I’d say Deb would be the culprit but then Mel would only say that it wasn’t Deb. How did you find out?” Carl asks me.

 

“Lindsay called Gus, once again to drag him into her shit.” I tell him, going in to see Mel.

 

I could only shake my head at her sitting in the cell, because anything else would have me going in there and asking what the hell was wrong with them. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Mel said, sounding defeated.

 

“It’s the question I asked myself the minute my son was put in the middle of your shit.” I tell her.

 

“What the hell are you talking about, Gus was with you.” She tells me.

 

“It doesn’t matter where he is, which for your information was therapy, because his parents put him there. Only he couldn’t feel good about the things he was able to talk about because you and Lindsay decided to have a war with each other. It should have been about what he needs, but look where we are. Instead of putting this shit on him, because he doesn’t know how not to do that, I decided to deal with you and let him be the kid he hasn’t been.” I tell her.

 

“Which with you as his father should be normal for him.” She said, once again passing the blame.

 

“Be careful, because right now I’m the only person willing to help you. I had to make Ted come here with me, since he thinks a couple nights in here would do you good. Justin was willing to come here, not because he wanted to help you but because he didn’t want Gus to feel like it was his responsibility to have to deal with any of his parents, when we all seem to forget everything.” I tell her, making sure she knows I know exactly what she told Ted.

 

“Once again you're the goddamn hero. I’m sure Deb and Michael told you what they wanted you to hear and you believed every word.” She tells me.

 

Interesting that she didn’t know they couldn’t come near me or my family. “I wouldn’t know, I actually came here to hear why you were, from all accounts, beating Lindsay while Michael and Deb tried to stop you and got hurt in the process. Which I didn’t hear from them, but is what Carl told me he heard. I also heard that your wife didn’t say anything, which is why you're sitting in the cell.” I tell her.

 

“We can’t all have someone like Justin, who is willing to forgive you even though you fucked up. Why not go comfort Wendy, since it’s obvious you’re enjoying that I’m in here.” She tells me.

 

“I’m not enjoying this at all, but I need to know what went on, because I just don’t believe in laying hands on the person I love, or in my father’s case, blamed for his life being shit. I’m giving you the opportunity you never gave me, the benefit of the doubt. Once you explain to me why you're in the cell and no one else is, then we need to talk about Gus and what you were telling him about me.” I tell her.

 

“I told him the truth, if you didn’t like it, you shouldn’t have lived it.” She tells me.

 

“I’ll give you that you told him the truth, but you know what you really did? You made him have a problem with his own sexuality and live in fear that he’d become the Whore of Liberty Avenue, just like his old man. One thing I never wanted for Gus was to be afraid of telling us he might be gay, straight, or bi, which in case you don’t know, he isn’t sure. What he is sure of is that he doesn’t want to be compared to the life I lived, which he shouldn’t even know about. Does it feel good to know that by saying the shit you did, it hurt Gus?” I ask her.

 

“I didn’t want him hearing it from strangers, since all of Liberty Avenue knew. I told him to warn him of what your reputation really is. That it wasn’t something to aspire too.” She tells me.

 

“Why, because you wish it was yours?” I ask, noticing her flinch. “I really don’t give a damn how you view anything about me, but I do care that it caused Gus to worry that it was inevitable that he’d be like me one day. Which I’m sure was not what you thought you were doing by saying that shit to him, but it’s the end result of your well meaning words. Instead of arguing about it, you need to explain to me why I should bail your ass out of here.” I tell her.

 

“I didn’t touch Lindsay, but I couldn’t just stand there when Michael slapped her for taunting him that Justin was your husband. So I punched him and then Deb tried to hit me. She landed on top of Michael who hit her with his elbow. When the police came Deb told them I hit Lindsay and Michael. Michael, yes I did. For some reason Lindsay didn’t say anything when they asked her, just walked back in the house. I’m sure she’s just getting back at me for leaving her.” She tells me.

 

“How did Michael not end up in the cell next door?” I ask.

 

“It was my word against him and Deb, since Wendy didn’t defend me.” She tells me.

 

“Then I’ll have you out as soon as they let you out. Do you have anywhere to go?” I ask.

 

“You believe me?” She asks.

 

“You’ve never been the liar in your marriage, so yes I believe what you’ve told me is the truth.” I tell her.

 

 

“Where do you plan to go when you get out of here?” I ask her.

 

“Fuck if I know, it’s not like I want to see Lindsay, because I’m likely to actually hit her for not saying anything. Shit, I can’t even go back to my cousin’s house after Deb and Michael barged in. I don’t know.” She tells me.

 

“I’ll let you stay at the loft on a few conditions.” I tell her.

 

“What?” She asks.

 

“I want you to see Gus’s therapist, and hear what is bothering Gus so much that he thought you were one of the people he needed to let go from his life. Then I want you to agree to therapy on how to repair your relationship with Gus and Jenny, which if you’ll agree, we can set Jenny up with appointments with the doctor that Gus is seeing. The last condition is that we have to declare a truce, and you have to trust me that Gus needs to be left alone until he’s ready to deal with both you and Lindsay.” I tell her.

 

“What, your not happy that Gus is ready to kick me out of his life?” She asks me.

 

“You really don’t get it do you? I don’t care if you hate my guts, but I do care that the child you asked of me, is loved the way you and your wife promised me he would be. I care that Jenny needs more than to depend on her brothers because you and Lindsay can’t get your shit together. I’m giving you the chance to make a choice, be the mother you seem to think you are and make it up to your kids. Something I understand, because I let other shit get in the way of my kids. We are not going to be friends, but we are going to make sure Gus doesn’t feel like he does right now, in the future.” I tell her.

 

“What about Lindsay, are you going to make her do this too?” She asks.

 

“Nope, but then I’m not bailing Lindsay out of jail. Right now I don’t like that she let you hang for defending her. If Lindsay wants to be around Gus, then for once she has to do it herself, without me doing it for her.” I tell her.

 

“But you're basically making me do it.” She tells me.

 

“It’s the only way to get you to do it, just so you can prove me wrong, that you couldn’t have done anything to hurt Gus or Jenny.” I tell her.

 

“Are you offering Michael the same thing?” She asks, not being able to let me go without a swipe.

 

“Michael who? There isn’t anyone in my life by that name that matters to me anymore. Also just so you know, anyone named Novotny can not be near Gus. Otherwise they’ll get the full Pittsburgh PD treatment, something I never aspired to.” I tell her.

 

“I guess you didn’t give me a choice, did you?” She asks me.

 

“One thing I know is that we all have choices in life. What we do with the choices are what determine where we end up. Yours got you here, because you alienated everyone who at one time defended you. One of the things you always said was that I was teflon and maybe you were right, because my choices didn’t lose the shit I should have lost, and you want to know why? Because I married a man who fucking loved me enough to stay and try to figure out where we went wrong. He wouldn’t let me take the blame I want to take, but was willing to see that neither of us were perfect. He is able to do something you and Lindsay couldn’t do, see that being right isn’t the most important thing. So yes I’m a teflon coated bastard, but it’s because I’m willing to see that I’m wrong, which is something you can’t see about yourself.” I tell her, walking out to go home. 

 

“They said it could be an hour before she’s released.” Ted tells me.

 

“I’m going home, if you want to stay you can, or you can leave her the key to the loft and money to get a cab.” I tell him.

 

“You’re really going to let her stay at the loft?” He asks.

 

“Only if she goes to the therapist who’s seeing Gus. If not, she’s out and can figure it out on her own. I’m not helping her for any reason but that Gus needs me to.” I tell him.

 

JUSTIN

 

Luke showed up to see if Gus wanted to hang out. Gus tried to make an excuse to stay home, but ended up going. He told me that he needed to talk to Luke, because he didn’t want Luke to mistake his feelings for more than he felt. I sat with Cameron on the floor as he colored, hoping Mel didn’t piss Brian off for getting her out. Nick came over without Daphne an hour later. 

 

“So, I was in the middle of target practice when I was told about a little restraining order that covered a continent. Those don’t happen often, and I wasn’t surprised they went all out for their favorite artist. I was surprised when I was informed I was assigned to guard your ass. Apparently they're hoping you'll agree to London. Which means Brian will be here dealing with two kids and chemo while you and I go.” He tells me. 

 

“I can’t leave Brian right now.” I tell him. 

 

“Which I explained, but they want you.” He tells me. 

 

“What about the other guy?” I ask. 

 

“It's more that you have a real reason to be there and the target happens to be the guy hosting the shindig. The other guy doesn't have your in to be invited to the places you will be. Either way I'll be here but they were hoping you'd do it.” He tells me. 

 

“Brian and I are trying to work things out, and I doubt going will help our marriage.” I tell him.

 

“I agree, but it won't stop them from trying to get you to go. If it helps, Daphne is willing to stay here with Brian and help him, which her being a doctor is a plus.” He tells me. 

 

“Why would Daphne need to be here?” Brian asks from the doorway.

 

“Cameron, want to go help me make Dada’s shake?” Nick asks, picking him up.

 

Brian waited until Cameron kissed him and went to the kitchen. It wasn’t a conversation we could avoid, even when I wish it was.

 

“You're leaving?” He asks.

 

“If you tell me no, I won’t. I don’t have to say yes, and I promised you I wouldn't do it anymore.” I tell him.

 

“When do they want you?” He asks.

 

“It’s the same job, the seminar in London. I turned it down but the host called my agent a few times asking me to reconsider. I won’t go if you don’t want me to. I really don’t want to leave when you're about to start chemo. The only the reason they offered it to me was because I was already going to be there.” I tell him.

 

“When do you have to go if you say yes?” He asks.

 

“In a week, right after your first treatment. Only I want to be here to make sure you’re okay.” I tell him.

 

“Emmett agreed to come over and help, and Daphne and I need to work out our problems with each other.” He tells me, once again not thinking about himself but me.

 

“I don’t care who can be here, they aren’t me. They don’t love you the way I do.” I tell him.

 

“Which I can only say thank you that you still feel the same way. I want to tell you no, but I also know how much you gave up when I left everything up to you. If you really don’t want to do it, then it’s your choice, but for once think of what you need.” He tells me.

 

“I need you.” I tell him, holding him tighter.

 

“I need you too, and will still need you when you get back.” He tell me.

 

“What about our appointments with Alex and Gus? How can I leave knowing our family is still healing?” I argue.

 

“It will give me time to heal some of the problems that had nothing to do with you. When you come back, hopefully with Alex’s help I’ll be able to give you a real reason for everything I let Michael get away with.” He tells me.

 

I was so distracted by the fact that I did and didn’t want to do this, and wishing Brian would give me a reason not to go, that I didn’t realize something else going on. Brian stiffened and I moved back while we both looked down at the growing bulge that had been absent lately.

 

“Seriously? Now?” Brian wasn’t talking to me.

 

“Nick, Brian and I need to talk!” I yelled, pulling Brian up the stairs. I’ll blame it on a year where sex was something that only seemed to happen when Brian and I were pissed at each other.

 

“Got it! Cameron and I are going to see Aunt Daph.” Nick yells.

 

“Justin, I can’t believe I’m about to say this but, are you sure?” Brian asks when we shut the bedroom door. 

 

“Brian, sex was never our problem, and yes I’m absolutely sure. My hand can only take so much.” I tell him, stripping out of my clothes, which landed on top of his.

 

In our whole relationship, the one thing Brian and I communicated well in, was this. We both could say a thousand words with our bodies that seemed to be hard to say with our mouths. I pushed Brian on the bed and kissed my way down to the hard evidence that he wanted me. Brian framed my head in his hands before taking over and thrusting in my mouth. It turned me on when his body arched, trying to get more of him in my mouth. I could be loud, but I also knew how to make Brian lose control. I learned what he liked because I listened to his body. I didn’t see the scar as anything but Brian making sure he didn’t leave us. I kissed it before taking him back into my mouth.

 

Brian stopped me when he was close. “If I can’t get hard again like usual, I want to be inside you before I cum.” He tells me.

 

Brian and I switched up depending on his mood. I honestly wanted to be held down and dominated by him, something we hadn’t done in a long time. Something he seemed to understand, that it was more about me always in control in my normal life, that in bed with him I wanted to let go of it. I did it for him too, when he was tired of dealing with everyone. I was on my stomach when he bit one cheek then the other, separating them and tracing around my rim before licking from my balls back to my ass. I spread my thighs further apart, moaning into the pillow. He used his thumbs to open me more and used his tongue to show me what was coming as he ate me out. 

 

“I need you.” I managed to get out, when my whole body was vibrating at what he could do to it. 

 

He turned me over and shoved a pillow under me, grabbing the lube and holding up a condom.

 

“You told me you didn’t do anything. I trust you.” I tell him, throwing the condom to the floor.

 

It was like I flipped a switch in him, he was no longer careful. He positioned his thick cock and pushed in slowly until he was seated to the hilt. Then didn’t wait but pulled out and thrust hard into me. I felt full, and it wasn’t easy taking him when we hadn’t had sex as often as we did in the past. My cock was leaking all over my stomach as Brian angled against my prostate over and over again. He leaned down kissing me again, not slowing down but speeding up. Brian pulled back stroking me as he slammed into me harder, waiting until I erupted between us covering both of us. Brian kept his eyes on mine until his body released and then arched his head back, as he held himself against me and came. He laid on top of me, limp in body, but apparently not anywhere else.

 

I thought about what Brian was attempting to make easier for me to do, and started to wonder why I even considered it. I left Brian sleeping and picked up my phone, going to the bathroom to call someone I hadn’t called in years. He answered pretty much the minute the first ring was over.

 

“This is a surprise, what do I owe the honor of you remembering my number?” Ethan flirted.

 

“How about doing me a favor for setting you up with your husband.” I tell him.

 

“Please, the minute Cody saw me, you had nothing to do with it.” He laughs.

 

“I need you.” I tell him.

 

“Anytime.” He tells me.

 

“They wanted a guest speaker to talk at the Arts and Music seminar, they’d take you if you’ll do it, because it’s more about wanting a star to give people a reason to be there.” I tell him.

 

“Sure, I planned to be in Europe anyway, but that isn’t all, is it?” He asks.

 

“I need Cody to do the rest while pretending to adore you so he can be in the right places.” I tell him.

 

“The adoring part is easy, but where are the right places?” He asks.

 

“If Cody agrees then he’ll be told what he needs to do.” I tell him.

 

“He said he does.” Ethan tells me.

 

“Sorry, Ethan likes to irritate me with you, which he hasn’t figured out doesn’t work.” Cody tells me laughing. “Just tell them I’ll do it for you.” Cody tells me.

 

“Thanks, I need to be home, not making a speech right now.” I tell them.

 

“We’ll be in town in a couple weeks, how about we get together.” Cody tells me.

 

“Call me, if Brian’s up for it then we’ll make plans.” I tell them.

 

“I’m glad whatever was going on is working out for you.” Ethan tells me.

 

“We’re both working on it, there are a couple of other issues that are getting in the way right now.” I tell him.

 

“If you need us sooner we can be there.” Cody tells me.

 

“Thanks, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Although there are a few obstacles in my path.” I tell them.

 

“You’ve always found a way around them, so do that.” Cody tells me, before hanging up.

 

“Why did you do that?” Brian asks.

 

“What?” I ask pretending I didn’t have a clue.

 

“Give up what you wanted.” He tells me.

 

“I didn’t. I chose what I wanted and found away to clear the way to get it.” I tell him.

 

“I would have been okay with what we talked about.” He lies.

 

“You would have worried about me, when you needed to save all your strength for what’s ahead. You don’t think I didn’t know one of the reasons you hated what I did. It’s because you could only imagine what was happening to me. I didn’t tell you the details because I didn’t want you to know that what you imagined wasn’t that far from the truth.” I tell him.

 

“A truth that not knowing, only left me with the unknown to fuel my nightmares.” He tells me.

 

“When the helicopter was shot down, we barely made it away before it blew. We ended up in the jungle in the wrong country, with nothing but what we had on us to survive with. Which we did, but not without having to run and keep running until we made to a safe zone. The reason I didn’t want Gus or you to see me when I got back was because I didn’t want either of you to know I was shot and ended up with an infection because we didn’t have anything but what was in the first aid kits Nick managed to take with him. I was skin and bones from three weeks of only eating what we could find while running. Nick managed to stop the bleeding, but there was nothing to stop the infection, because nature, as pretty as it is, can kill you. I wasn’t shot because they were targeting me, but because I was with Nick and his team. In fact, most people never connect me to the end result of what I do. While I’m sure it would be safe to go to London, it means that I leave you at a time when you need me. It’s stupid to take even an easy assignment when my mind will be here wanting to be with you. So I found a way that I could offer to get what I wanted. They needed someone who would be invited to places that most people aren’t, Ethan fits the bill. Only, Ethan can’t do what I do beyond making a speech, but his husband Cody can, so problem solved. Before you say anything about me giving up something for you. I didn’t give it up for just you, but for our children.” I tell him.

 

“You chose us, that’s all I needed to hear.” He tells me.

 

Yes, and in that I also needed to figure out how to deal with the other shit that got in my way. Which for now I let go, because other things were coming up which lessened Brian’s fear about the effects of cancer on us. I knew sex didn’t solve anything, but I wasn’t using it to solve anything but because I needed this to feel he was alive and going to get better. 

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