MEL

I sat on the sofa, staring out the window and trying to figure out how I got to this place in my life. It didn’t make sense that I did everything right and somehow I’m the one alone. How did he do it, keep the people in his life with the shit he did? I didn’t have a clue what I did that caused my life to become exactly what I predicted his would be. I fought for people, got rid of my wild side, and settled down and raised my children, in hopes they would see the right way to be. Only I’m the one with no one who gives a shit about me. It didn’t make sense to me, no matter how many ways I tried to see how I went wrong and he always seems to get it right, regardless of what he does.

I jumped when the loft door slid open, not expecting anyone. I knew Brian changed all the codes and locks, so there shouldn’t be anyone but me able to get in here. 

“You need to get dressed, because I don’t have all day to cater to your ass.” Cynthia tells me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask her.

“I’m here because Brian doesn’t feel Ted should have to deal with you. Plus he knows that there is nothing you can say to me to twist me to your side.” She tells me.

“Great, another fan.” I muttered.

“Nope, more like someone who doesn’t think it’s my business to judge anyone but myself. Just so you know, if I was going to judge someone, you wouldn’t like what I think of you and your wife.” She tells me, going into the bedroom I wouldn’t go into. “Now get off your ass and get dressed, I don’t have all day and your driver isn’t going to be happy that she has to wait for you.” She orders me.

“Driver?” I ask, as she throws some clothes at me.

“Yes, since apparently Brian didn’t trust you to go to your appointment without being taken. Unfortunately for you, the person taking you seems to want to judge you. So do yourself a favor and don’t give her more reasons to be pissed at you than she already is. You originally had two appointments, but it would probably be easier to see them both at the same time. I talked to Alex Wilder and he said that it would be easier for Dr Turner to sit in with you. It’s up to you which way you want to do it.” She tells me.

“I suppose Brian wants to know everything that’s said in the appointments.” I tell her, as she glares at me to hurry up.

“He really doesn’t give a damn what you say, just that you do it to help Gus. Even with me never wanting kids, it pisses me off what you did to yours.” She tells me.

“I guess it’s office gossip, way to go asshole.” I tell her.

“No, it’s that I know Gus, and could see the difference in him anytime he spent time with you and Lindsay. When he stayed with Justin and Brian he didn’t look like he just escaped a prison. Now can you hurry, I have a campaign that I need to finish and I don’t have all day to pamper the wicked stepmother of this tale.” She tells me.

“If I’m the wicked stepmother than what is Lindsay?” I asked only because I didn’t like the name I called myself at times.

“The pampered princess when I’m feeling nice, but the other names are really not something I like to say in public. Really, I like you more, but that doesn’t say much because Lindsay’s barely a step up from the Novotny duo in my eyes.” She tells me.

Once I was dressed, she ushered me out the door and left me standing next to the car that was waiting on me. At first I didn’t think anything of the fact that Jen was driving me. Normally she and I agreed on Brian, only apparently not any longer.

“I only agreed to do this because Brian and Justin are dealing with enough right now.” She tells me.

“Now you're back on his side?” I ask her.

“My only side is my sons and grandchildren. Which Brian respected, because as much as I love Brian, he knows that being a mother, it’s natural to want your children to be happy. Which also means that yes, I’m on his side, because I can see where I was wrong to interfere in their life, and he became my son the day he married Justin.” She tells me.

“How can you forgive him for hurting everyone?” I ask her.

“If by everyone, you mean Justin and his children, it’s not my place to forgive him, it’s theirs. I made judgements based on things that might not have been the truth, and that doesn’t sit well with me. How can you sit there and act like it didn’t matter that you did the same thing? Being a lawyer, does it feel good to know that the only thing you could do was make him guilty without even looking to see if maybe there was more going on than what you wanted to believe? I’m not saying Brian is completely without fault in everything, but you’re not that innocent either. Do him a favor and make the money he’s paying to get you help, not a waste.” She tells me.

“Gus needed to know who Brian was.” I tell her.

“Gus needed to see what you wanted him to know about Brian. Brian’s past exploits have nothing to do with who he is now, or how he parents his children. Can you say your past is clean, or are there things that Gus should know about you? You know, in case he runs into a part of your life that you left behind. I’m sure there were parts of your Harley driving days that would make for some interesting life lessons for Gus. But it’s strange that you didn’t warn your children about the folly of your youth, just Brian’s.” She tells me.

“Jenny knew about her father too.” I defend myself.

“Good job, I mean fair’s fair when we want to screw up our kids, right? Never mind, the doctors are waiting for you to tell them how you only said the things you did to the children because it was for their own good. Enjoy.” She tells me, parking at the door.

“I never wanted Justin hurt, but I couldn’t get him to see Brian for who he was.” I tell her.

“How could you do that, when you didn’t bother to know Brian?” She asks me, before driving off.

Alex was standing at the reception desk and smiled when I came in. I really didn’t expect him to be smiling at me, why I didn’t really know. 

“How do you want to do this?” He asks.

“I don’t.” I tell him.

“Okay, then I need the key to Brian’s loft and where you want your things sent.” He tells me, as if he could care less what I did.

“I said I would do this.” I tell him.

“There isn’t a point if you don’t want to do it. It’s a waste of time, and Brian and Justin’s money, if you don’t come here wanting to figure out what you need to.” He tells me.

“I already know everyone thinks I’m a shitty mother and wife, sorry if I didn’t want to keep hearing it.” I tell him.

“I don’t think anything, other than it might help to talk about why you think that about yourself.” He tells me.

“Can we just talk?” I ask.

“Yes. But the question is do you want us to do this alone, before you see Dr Turner, or will you allow her there as an observer who is hoping to help you with Gus and Jenny.” He tells me.

“If she wants to be there, it’s fine.” I tell him.

He led me into his office, which was really like a living room. He didn’t sit behind his desk, instead getting comfortable in one of the seats waving me to pick where I wanted to sit.

“Before Dr Turner gets here, I’d like us to have time to talk about anything you need to talk about first. Clear the air, rant, and say anything you want, because once you’re done we’ll deal with some of the things you said.” He tells me, making me look at him strangely. “It helps sometimes to get what bothers you off your chest, knowing no one will stop you.” He tells me.

“I don’t understand why my life is a mess when I did everything right. I picked a career that helped people, not sold them shit they didn’t need. I gave Lindsay everything, but somehow she still sees Brian as better than me. The people I called my friends, who at one time Brian treated like crap, don’t even talk to me, because I won’t join in the Kinney fan club. I wanted children, and made the mistake of thinking that it didn’t matter that one of the fathers was a selfish asshole and the other was petulant asshole, because I would be the parent my children needed. Yet somehow they have more respect for a drugged up, tricking asshole, than me. I live with the fact that nothing I do makes anyone see me as someone worth keeping in their life.” It hurt to say it all.

“When did the feelings of inadequacy start for you?” He asks.

“What?” I ask.

“It’s in everything you just said, you don’t feel like anyone sees you as good enough. When did it start, I’m assuming pretty early in life.” He tells me.

“My parents were the normal parents who pushed me to become successful. They weren’t happy in my choice of law because I wouldn’t really make much. They didn’t see that I wanted to make a difference, not worry about how much I made. Then it was that I wasn’t going to marry a nice Jewish boy, but instead brought home Lindsay. It wasn’t really that they wanted to disapprove of my life, it was that I didn’t make the choices they wanted.” I tell them.

“What were Lindsay’s actions that made you feel as like you weren’t everything she wanted?” He asks.

“She came from money, so the adjustment to living on a budget was hard for her. When she told her parents she was a lesbian they cut her off, refusing to support her. She didn’t realize me being an attorney didn’t mean I’d make a huge salary. In her social set, lawyers didn’t take clients unless they could pay massive fees, so I can understand why it shocked her that I wasn’t making the kind of money the people she was raised around did.” I tell him.

Dr Turner came in and introduced herself and told me she was only here to listen so we could avoid repeating questions I might answer with Alex. It wasn’t comfortable to have another person there, and Alex’s next question made it worse.

“Why does Brian make you feel inadequate? Yes, you pretty much spelled that one out.” He tells me, when I tried to shake my head to deny it.

“I just don’t like that people see him as some kind of God they worship, to the point of losing anything to be with him. Look at Michael…” He stopped me before I could say more.

“This isn’t going to be a session to bash anyone, I want it to be so you can talk about where your problems stem from. Truthfully, the only question I have about Michael’s role in your life is why you picked him to be the father of your child when you don’t like him. And why you used Brian if you didn’t want him in your life permanently. Beyond that, we need to talk about what we can do to help you see yourself as the person you want to be.” He tells me.

“I hated that Brian never had to work to have men beating down his door. Then even when he ignored them, it made them want him more. After he married Justin, the men of Liberty Avenue mourned the loss of the Stud. None of them saw Justin as anything other than the man who landed Brian Kinney. Justin was so much more; he helped people by making sure people couldn’t turn a blind eye to what was going on in the world. He’s a famous artist, but in Pittsburgh the only thing they care about is that he married the ultimate bachelor.” 

“Okay we need to stop again. I understand that your life tends to be shadowed by Brian, but I really don’t see where you believe Justin’s is too. In the world outside Liberty Avenue, the only one famous is Justin, you narrowed the field to prove your point and take the spotlight off my question. Which is, why you let Brian make you feel inadequate.” Alex tells me.

“Because I could do everything Brian could, but unlike him, no one would see me as anything but a bitch with something to prove.” I tell him.

“Who do you need to prove something to, other than your children and Lindsay?” He asks.

“The whole damn world. I spent my life being treated differently because I was a woman, to the point where I hated the fact that Lindsay had Gus, not because Brian was the father, but because Lindsay depended on him for everything. I had to watch as he handed over money to support us, because I couldn’t support us by myself when Lindsay decided that she didn’t want to work until Gus was in school. Which is not what we talked about. But it didn’t matter, because Brian liked the idea that Gus wasn’t stuck with strangers all day. Every decision I tried to make, had to have Brian’s seal of approval, since Lindsay went to him to pay for it. Then she lied to me, saying it was money from Michael, because unlike Brian, Michael kept custody. I ended up letting the guy who made me feel like less, support me.” I tell him.

“Did he say something to make sure you felt like that?” He asks.

“No.” I tell him.

“Than who did?” He asks.

“Lindsay did, when she compares what Brian can do versus what we can do. Me, for not wanting a man to do what I should be doing for my family.” I tell him.

“Then why focus your blame on Brian, or even Michael? Because they had one of the necessary ingredients you needed to have the family you want? Which in truth, why not go with someone who you didn’t have to deal with by using a sperm bank?” He asks.

“Because it’s was the only way Lindsay would have the baby.” I tell him.

“Adoption was out of the question?” He asks.

“It was more than we could afford. We couldn’t even afford the clinic Brian forced us to use when we used him. When Michael was the donor...” I tell him.

“Why do you think Brian forced you? He tricked, and knew there was a possibility that he could put not only Lindsay at risk but the baby too, if everything wasn’t tested. It wasn’t done for any reason I can think of but to make sure Lindsay and Gus were healthy. To me it sounds like he was doing what he could to give you a healthy child and wife.” He tells me.

“Then it would also mean Lindsay doesn’t give a shit, because we didn’t even bother past the test that said Michael was clear a couple months before we did it ourselves.” I tell him.

“Which is it?” He asks.

“It’s easier to blame the person who isn’t supposed to matter to me.” I tell him.

“Only is it really the truth?” He asks.

“I want it to be, because then my whole life makes me the liar.” I tell him.

“Then let's make you the truth teller. I’m going to stop now, because I think you need time to process what we talked about. Then decide if you feel seeing me will benefit you. I’m going to let you and Dr Turner talk alone about Gus, so that when and if you're ready to talk about Gus, we do it with you telling me, not me overhearing you.” He tells me, walking out.

“I hope you understand I only asked to be here because I needed to know about you and how you perceive the other parents of your children. It helps me when the children get confused about the family dynamics. In this case it has a lot to do with the alternative aspect of their upbringing.” She tells me.

“Because we’re all gay?” I asked, not liking the way she made it sound.

“No, because in this case, it’s like divorce, where the original parents bring other people into the child’s life. Which means there are more than two authority figures who are the central role in their lives. One of the things we could talk about, because for Gus it was the easiest, is Justin. Unlike the three other parents, Gus’s relationship with Justin, for him, is solid and safe. In fact, he tends to want to shield Justin, the way he does his siblings. What I can tell you is that although his Dad disappointed him, he still wants a relationship with Brian. Which leaves me with you and your wife. Gus is pulling away from that relationship and even though it hurts him that he wants to, it’s because he worries more about his sister and how she feels. What I want to do is find a way to keep him from losing his mothers, and for that I need your help. I need to know that you can support him through therapy and find a way to not say things that put down the father he loves. What you need to understand, is that how Gus interpreted your words might not have been what you meant him to think, but it ended up confusing him.” She tells me.

“I just told him about his father’s life.” I tell her.

“Then compared him in looks and appeal to his father. Which led to him thinking that how he views sex won’t matter, because like his father, he’ll end up doing the same things. Which for Gus, isn’t something he wants. But he felt like it was the path he was going on if he acted on his sexual feelings. Which is also confusing for him, since he really isn’t sure of anything other than he can go either way. That bothers him because of his mother also possibly being bisexual, and the way it seems to be a cause of some of the conflicts in your marriage.” She tells me.

“Did we do anything right for Gus?” I ask, hating myself for my part in Gus’s problems.

“No parent is perfect, and mistakes are made, what I want to do is try to find a way to help your children, which means helping you by explaining the issues we’re facing with them. One of the things that will help both your children is that instead of feeling defensive, you find a way to solve the problems and agree that you need help in parenting them. Which you can do if you are willing to be part of the process and not the problem. I do need to know the status of your relationship with your wife, because it seems to be one of the issues Gus has with both of you.” She tells me.

“I don’t see us as staying together after what happened yesterday. I can’t tell you what Lindsay will do, but I can’t sit here after hearing all of that and pretend everyone else is to blame when my words were what caused my son to doubt the person he is.” I tell her.

“Then we can work together at helping not only the children, but your relationship with the children. Thank you.” She tells me.

I left the office and Justin was waiting outside for me. He opened his car door and got in without saying anything, just drove us to the loft. He followed me in and sat there, not angry, just patient with me, being the man I admired because he didn’t look at me as if I was all the things I hated about myself. I sat there wanting to say so many things to him. Mostly because I let him down, by not supporting him but almost berating him for marrying the man he loved, because I no longer understood what love was. I hated the tears that fell, because it felt weak to show them, but he didn’t make me feel like I was weak for it. Instead he let me burrow into his side and get it all out.

“Great, tears.” Brian said at the door.

“Only because I wish I’d married him, asshole.” I tell him, not making it sound like anything but what it was, my jealousy that Brian found someone who gave him everything I never had with Lindsay.

BRIAN

As much as I didn’t want to give a shit about what Mel was feeling, I knew what it was like to leave a session with Alex. He made you face the things that you didn’t want to hear about yourself. So I let Justin pick her up and deal with her first, coming after because I needed to know that she was going to help with Gus. Something that, as his parents we needed to do.

“Since he doesn’t have a twat and you don’t have a dick I don’t see that idea working out for either of you.” I tell her.

“Okay you two, we aren’t here to see who can one-up the other.” Justin tells us. 

“No, we’re here to find out if you plan to help or hinder what’s going on with the kids. After that, we need to talk about what happened yesterday, because it’s not something that will look good if Deb’s threat to take Jenny away from you comes through.” I tell her.

“What?” She asks.

“Carl came over to tell us that after he arrested Deb and Michael for violating the restraining order by staying across the street when it wasn’t the five hundred yards that was ordered. Deb and Michael pretty much said they were going to sue for custody of Jenny because you’re unstable after beating your wife. They also made it clear that they hold Justin responsible for alienating me and Jenny from them, and want him prohibited from seeing Jenny or Hunter. Which is kind of joke, at least where Hunter is concerned, but not so much where Jenny is. I also don’t get why they felt the police were supposed to do something about it. It seems to puzzle Carl too, so he came over to let us know he’s already warned child services of the situation with me and you, if they end up getting a call.” I tell her.

“Are they both insane? Never mind, clearly they are.” I tell him.

“Which is why we are here to talk to you and explain what’s been going on with us. Brian and I have a restraining order, which bars them from contact with us and our kids. So we can’t be anywhere they are, and won’t be able to help you unless you subpoena us to court. Brian is more than willing to tell what he knows about what Michael has been doing the last year. I’m hoping you have some way to prove you didn’t do what you ended up arrested for, because I have a feeling it will be brought up.” Justin tells her.

“There was only the four of us at the house when it happened. I don’t know how to prove anything.” She tells us.

“I can at least give you something to help.” I tell her.

“Why help me, when all I ever did was treat you like shit?” She asks.

“Like Gus said, it isn’t about you, but Jenny. If I wasn’t worried about the way Jenny would be treated by Deb and Michael, you’d be dealing with this by yourself.” I tell her.

“Tell me what you think could help.” She asks.

“Michael’s been on three suicide watches in the last year. He wasn’t suicidal, just using it to keep me away from Justin and the kids, which I didn’t see at the time. When I skipped Cameron’s birthday, it was in hopes of getting Michael admitted, because his behavior was becoming erratic. Also, it would be a good idea to demand a drug test for him, since he provided party favors at the place he rented to have an orgy at when I found him.” I tell her.

“What the hell were you having to do this last year?” She asks me.

“Anything to keep him from killing himself, believing that it was really grief over Ben.” I tell her.

“Why not tell us?” Mel asks me.

“I apparently care too much, even when they don’t deserve it.” I tell her, not really unhappy to have something in common with my son.

“As shitty as this sounds, they could use Hunter’s HIV status against him too.” Mel tells me.

“We came here to offer you a way to deal with that, which will likely have Lindsay willing to help you any way she can.” Justin tells her.

“You both deserve to know, Lindsay and I are done this time. We don’t really even try to act like we love each other anymore.” She tells us.

“Well you need to act like it for long enough to keep Jenny from Michael. Lindsay will act her ass off and tell the fucking truth to live at our old house with you.” I tell her.

“What? Why?” Mel asks.

“We plan to talk Hunter into living there with you and Jenny. Jenny doesn’t want to live with you right now, but if Hunter says he will, then she’ll do it. The reason we wanted you to use the house is because Lindsay needs to tell the truth about what happened. Because then you and Lindsay can press charges against Michael for what he did to Lindsay.” I tell her, trying not to show how pissed I am about all of it.

“Who are you angry at?” Mel asks.

“Both of them, Lindsay for acting like my mother and not saying anything when the fucker who slapped her lied about what happened. I lived that with Jack and Joan, and sorry, I refuse to pretend it’s okay.” I tell her.

“I’ll pretend anything that Jenny, Gus, and… you, need me to.” Mel tells me.

“I hope someday you don’t have to pretend Mel. It’s something I’m glad I’ll never face.” I tell her.