BRIAN

The nausea didn’t end for a couple days and I did my best to let Justin be there for me. It wasn’t easy, until I realized that if it was Justin I’d want to do everything I could for him. I let him do the things that I needed because it was what he needed. When he would leave me to sleep, I thought about what he said about having more children. It wasn’t like we would do it now, at least until we got our lives back on track. Did I want another child that was part of me? The more I thought about it, it wasn’t that I was opposed to it, it was more that I loved seeing Justin in Cameron as much as seeing me in Gus. 

Alex came to us when I told Justin that riding back to Pittsburgh wasn’t going to be possible. Gus’s therapist showed up too, when Gus didn’t want to go until he had to for school. I knew he was avoiding Lindsay and didn’t make him go back. His teachers were helping by allowing Gus to do assignments while he stayed with us. I used the excuse of my treatments shamelessly for my son. I looked out the window to see Gus walking with Dr Turner talking and Justin sitting with everyone else while Cameron played in the sand. I wanted to talk to Alex alone before Justin and I talked to him.

“Brian, if you didn’t want to do this today, I understand.” Alex told me.

“Drew said something to me, and I can’t say it doesn’t ring true.” I tell him.

“What did he say?” He asks.

“That I needed to stop thinking that I didn’t deserve Justin. I know there’s parts of me that feel that way.” I tell him.

“Why?” He asks.

“Maybe it was hearing the way he saw my life. I can pretend I didn’t care what anyone thinks about me, but it doesn’t change that it affected the way I treated Justin.” I tell him.

“Brian, the only one you were trying to fool was yourself. If you look out that window, you have real people in your life, people who saw through what you projected to the world. They didn’t let what you said change their view of the man they know you are. The problem is that you had people who were authority figures who wanted you to believe what they were saying, because it kept you where they wanted you. They didn’t like that you could rise above them, and in Deb’s case, she didn’t like that you would one day not be beholden to her.” He tells me.

“I understand that now, but it doesn’t make what I did to Justin sound like anything but an excuse, the way Michael’s life has been one excuse after another. I want to know I won’t let Justin and my children down again.” I tell him.

“You aren’t anything like Michael. You didn’t let him drag you back into the things you left behind when you married Justin. In the past, you would have tricked, and damn the consequences, but as you told us, you didn’t because you knew it was something you couldn’t have dealt with if Justin did it.” He tells me.

“There were nights when Justin turned away that I almost did. I’d sit in the kitchen while Michael partied, thinking fuck, this when Justin hung up.” I tell him.

“The only thing that counts is what you do, not what you thought about doing when you were angry. Anger makes us do stupid things, but you didn’t let it break your promise to Justin.” He tells me.

“I remembered the way Justin looked at me the night I went with Michael after they met. It wasn’t like I wanted to screw anyone, and I didn’t even enjoy what I was doing that night. It made it easy not to repeat the bullshit I did, just to prove a point that wasn’t even true.” I tell him.

“What was that point?” He asks.

“I hated the idea of Justin saying he owned me. I didn’t, but it felt like I had to prove I still lived my life on the terms that were no longer important after I met Justin.” I tell him.

“What happened later when Michael still tried to get you to do things you had promised Justin weren’t part of your marriage?” He asks.

“I tuned him out, I didn’t need to fuck all of Pittsburgh to prove anything. I found out that nameless, faceless people didn’t give me what Justin could.” I tell him.

“Then why let Deb and Michael come between you two?” He asks.

“They were the people who stuck by me all of my life. When I screwed up, Justin walked away but they were still there. They were allowed to shit on him, all because I didn’t want to believe my judgement in the people I let stay in my life was completely wrong.” I tell him.

“Brian, we all make misjudgements about the people in our lives. What it makes you is normal, in that you didn’t want to see anything bad about the people in your life.” He tells me.

“I’m worried about what Michael will do, and how do I protect my family when the chemo is making me sick? Justin has enough to deal with right now.” I tell him.

“What has you worried where Michael is concerned? I’m asking because I trust your judgement.” He tells me.

“Carl told me what happened at the police station after Lindsay pressed charges. I wanted to go there and kick his ass, but I can’t because I don’t want to violate my own restraining order. I know Justin could deal with him, but I brought this shit into his life.” I tell him.

“He knew from the beginning what you brought, which means it didn’t change that he wanted you. Has he ever said he felt like you didn’t deserve him? Made you feel inadequate? ” He asks. 

“No, and it’s one of the reasons I was able to help Mel. Mel and I both got involved with people who came from well-off families. Justin never saw it as making him better than anyone, and I know Lindsay uses it when she and Mel fight.” I tell him.

“Then why would you question if you’re good enough, when Justin doesn’t?” He asks.

GUS

Dr Turner said we should walk around since it was a nice day. It helped me relax since we weren’t sitting in a room. It also made it easier for me to talk when it just seemed like two people enjoying the day together.

“Jenny told me if you wanted to know anything she said, I could tell you. I’d like if we didn’t talk about it, because we need to deal with what you need right now.” She tells me.

“I just want to know she isn’t letting Michael scare her into doing what he wants her to do.” I tell her.

 “She said she knows you and Hunter would be there to help her.” She tells me.

“It sucks because we should be able to depend on our parents. I have my Dads and my Moms, but she’s stuck with Michael. When Ben was alive it wasn’t as bad. He kept Michael from being a total jerk.” I tell her, trying to be nice about Ben.

“You didn’t like Ben?” She asks.

“I did before Jus and my Dad got together. He didn’t treat Jenny or me any differently, but I could tell he didn’t like that my Dad and Jus were together. At first I thought it was because my Dad wasn’t running around taking care of Michael’s drama, but I wonder if it was because he wanted what Jus and Dad had.” I tell her.

“What made you think that?” She asks.

“I heard him and Mama talking once and it sounded like he regretted his life with Michael. He told her that it wasn’t fair that my Dad got the relationship everyone else wanted when my Dad never wanted it. Mama agreed with him, adding that Jus deserved better than a guy who slept with half of Pittsburgh.” I tell her

“She knows what she said was wrong, and that it affected you. Does it still bother you the way people talked about your Dad?” She asks.

“I don’t like the way they made it sound, but what Alex said made sense. It was hard for me to understand because I never lived the kind of life my Dad did. From what his family sounds like, I can see why he would do what he was doing. It makes my problems seem childish in comparison to what he went through.” I tell her.

“Your problems are different, but no less important.” She tells me.

“Right now I’m not sure what my Mom is up to. Dad made it so I could stay, since I didn’t have any tests until next week, but I know she’s been trying to get me to stay with her instead of Nana. I’d rather stay with Nana, and it’s not like Mom has much to say about it.” I tell her.

“Because your about to be eighteen?” She asks.

“No, because my Dad and Jus already promised me that it was my decision.” I tell her.

JUSTIN

Alex left Brian and I alone while he went to get something for lunch. I could see Brian was tired and suggested that we postpone this session.

“What did you see in me?” Brian asks.

“Why are you asking?” I ask.

“It’s just well, we come from different backgrounds. Did it ever bother you?” He asks.

“Why would it, it’s not like the fact that my father had money made him any better than yours. My dad was just richer, but still a dick. Being Craig Taylor’s son didn’t make me special, but being with you does.” I tell him.

“How can you still feel like that after the way I acted this last year?” He asks.

“I love you, and for me it means not giving up. I did that in the beginning, gave up on us instead of trying to straighten things out. It’s what I did in my previous relationships, just left without bothering to try to work it out. I let everything come before relationships. When we fought I walked, but you kept showing up anyway. You wouldn’t let me run the way I did in the past. I should have followed your example and showed up and made you deal with me.” I tell him.