17.   

Alex sat at his kitchen bench and tried not to look at the clock.  Other than the night that Justin had discovered Alex with Brian, and the afternoon that he had passed out in his office, Alex hadn’t seen his young patient for over five weeks.  That didn’t mean he hadn’t tried reaching out to the boy; his calls had been ignored, his voicemails not returned.  But when Daphne had found Alex with Brian at the diner, she had given his balls such a roasting that even now Alex winced at the memory.

It wasn’t like he could blame the poor girl; when he had tried visiting Justin at home the day after the Boytoy debacle, her anger had been more than apparent when she had dragged Alex down the short hallway to Justin’s room and flung the door open.  Justin had been curled up on his side; his eyes had been vacant, and the boy had withdrawn into himself in such a way that for a moment Alex had seriously considered calling an ambulance and admitting Justin to the hospital.

Daphne had shot that idea full of holes; she would continue looking after Justin with Ethan and Sam’s help.  They were the ones, after all, who had all but bodily dragged Justin into the car so that he wouldn’t go into Meathook looking for a leather Daddy who could and would make Justin feel anything other than numb.  Alex had been horrified; it had been one thing when Justin tricked – it was another thing entirely to go looking for pain.

Since then, he had reached out to Justin several times a week; those calls had gone unanswered for so long, that when Justin actually answered his phone on Thursday night, Alex had nearly fallen out of his chair in shock.  Justin hadn’t said anything for the longest time; he had let Alex ramble on, filling the silence between sentences with the sound of his steady breathing.  When he did eventually talk, it had been a single statement; one that had told Alex all he needed to know.

“Did you go to him, or did he come to you?”

This was his test – if he failed this, he would never get Justin into therapy again.  Alex had been brutally honest and had told Justin nearly everything; from Brian showing up on his doorstep, to the panicked phone call after Michael had approached Justin at PIFA.  The way Brian had all but stumbled on his way out of Boytoy, his legs threatening to give out from under him as the shock of seeing Justin kept reverberating through his system.  None of what they spoke about in therapy, other than Brian’s continual opening statement wondering if Alex had seen Justin yet?

In the end, when Alex finally ran out of words to say, Justin had merely hung up on him.  Alex had promptly rung him back, but Justin’s phone had been switched off and had gone straight to voicemail.  Alex had left him a message, telling the young man that he was genuinely sorry if Justin felt like he had betrayed him, but that he hoped Justin knew that he would never do that.  It was all he could do; so now he sat here, waiting.  Waiting to see if the knock on the door would come or not.

He took to pacing the living room when one o’clock came and went with no sign of Justin.  If Alex was completely honest with himself, he knew why it was so vital to him that Justin continued therapy.  Justin’s own mental health and wellbeing were his top priority, there was no doubt; but it was also a shot at redemption for him.  To make things right, from when he had gone so wrong in his personal life with Ari.  The parallels between Alex’s own life and Brian’s were enough to send shivers down Alex’s spine.

A relationship that contained two lovers, and the influence of a supposed best friend.  Brian’s inability to put Justin before Michael was a mirror image of what had happened when Ricky had returned to Alex’s life.  And like Alex, Brian had paid the ultimate price when he had listened to his best friend, instead of putting his partner first.  But unlike Alex, maybe Brian could set things right.    

“Do you know how hard it is to love someone, Alex, and know that you aren’t enough for them?  You can be fucked upwards of a half a dozen times a day, you can drop to your knees whenever they want their cock sucked without a single word of complaint, and they still feel the need to stick their dick in someone else.  If that doesn’t tell you that you aren’t enough for them, then I don’t know what does.”

Alex winced when he thought back to the therapy session when Justin had made that statement.  He had been staring at a slim blond with hurt blue eyes, but in his mind, all he could see was Ari.  Sitting in the exact room that Alex paced now, as Alex told him that he was going to start tricking again.  Alex still had nightmares about that day – Ari had stared at him with tears streaming down his face before he finally managed to ask, why wasn’t he enough?

To hear those words spilling out of Justin’s mouth had been difficult for Alex to listen to; hell, to listen to anything to do with Brian and Justin’s relationship was difficult.  It was history repeating itself, and Alex was reminded time and time again of just how badly he had fucked up with Ari.  Oh, his relationship with Ari was cordial now; polite, and gracious to a fault, and it made Alex want to scream every time that Ari looked at him – scream and rant and remind the man that Alex had had his tongue in Ari’s ass more times than he could remember.

But Ari wasn’t his anymore; it wasn’t his tongue or cock that Ari enjoyed now.  It was another man’s.  Another man who got to hear every sigh and soft moan.  That got to taste the sweetness of Ari’s lips and taste the saltiness of his cock.  It was another man who got to hold him every night and listen to his hopes and dreams.  There were times during Brian’s therapy sessions with him that Alex wanted to tell him all of his own regrets.  But there was no point; Brian had plenty of his own regrets without him adding his own to the mess that Brian now found himself in.

Moving to stand in front of the wide windows that opened the room to so much light, Alex looked out towards the park.  And in doing so, he found his heart in his throat when he saw a lone figure that was huddled deep inside his jacket, sitting on the picnic table across from his home.  Backing away from the window quickly, Alex grabbed a coat and hurried towards the front door.  Making sure it remained unlocked behind him, Alex took a deep breath of the cold air and slowly made his way across the street.

Justin remained silent when Alex eased himself up onto the tabletop that he was sitting on; his features were frighteningly pale beneath the dark beanie that covered his head, and his hand was shaking when he raised it to his mouth and took a deep drag of his cigarette.  Alex’s palms literally itched with the need to reach out and smooth his hand down the dejected curve of Justin’s spine, but he knew that if he did so, it would send Justin fleeing in the opposite direction.  

So, they sat in silence; it was only when Justin flicked his finished cigarette away that he finally looked at Alex, who had to fight to maintain eye contact with the young man.  For the first time since Justin had become his patient, Alex could finally see the emotions that was so familiar to him, peering out at him from behind those remarkable blue eyes.  Fear.  Confusion.  And deep-seated sadness.  But there, amidst all the pain, was something that Alex had never seen before:  a tiny, tiny glow.  It was dull; barely shining up from the depths.  But it was there; that small ray of hope that was reflected back at him. 

Alex took a deep breath, and held it in for a count of one, two, three, before he slid from the tabletop; he lifted his hand as he steadily exhaled and held it out to Justin, who stared at him in silence.  It was only when Justin finally reached out that Alex felt his eyes flutter momentarily as Justin’s icy fingers touched his own.  Gently curling his hand around Justin’s, Alex waited until the boy stood up, and then he turned towards his home and led Justin inside and out of the cold.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Huddled deep in the corner of Alex’s plush couch, Justin stared blindly across the room as he listened to the sounds Alex was making in the kitchen.  The clink of porcelain on marble.  The soft gurgle of a coffee maker as it heated milk.  The opening and closing of a refrigerator door.  The soft whoosh of a warm, woolen blanket being settled around his cold body.  And then he was blinking as Alex crouched between his feet and pressed a warm mug into his hands.

“Drink this for me, Justin,” Alex urged quietly, and Justin obediently raised the mug and sipped.

The sweet warmth of hot chocolate burst over his tongue, and Justin closed his eyes as he took another sip.  With his eyes shut, he was able to ignore Alex adjusting the blanket around him; ignore the fact that the man was fussing over him, as unease skittered across his skin like ants.  The touch of Alex’s hand across the crown of his head as Alex removed his beanie; the gentle touch of his fingertips as he smoothed the tousled strands of blond hair.

Justin steadied his breathing as he continued to sip the heated milk that Alex had pressed into his hands.  He concentrated on the taste of the chocolate as it slid like silk across his tongue; in doing so, he was able to ignore the fact that Alex continued to kneel at his feet.  The silence was a comfort that Justin allowed himself until the last sip of milk was gone.  And as he swallowed, he finally opened his eyes and looked down at the man at his feet.  Alex knelt there in a supplicant’s pose; compassion showed in every nuance of the man, and Justin swallowed hard.

“I’m fine, Alex!  God!  I wish everyone would stop treating me like I’m going to break!”

Neither man was able to ignore the desperation that coated every word that came out of Justin’s mouth; Alex continued to watch him steadily, and Justin shook his head slightly as he tried anxiously to bite back the words that wanted to spill out.

“I’m fine…” Justin insisted weakly when Alex remained silent, and Justin’s eyebrows knitted together briefly before he swallowed hard. 

He had tried ignoring the whispers in his head for the last few days; the whispers that insisted that he wasn’t fine.  He wasn’t weak; he wasn’t some sissy little faggot who needed his mommy.  He was stronger than that… He had tried ignoring them until those whispers were all he could hear; those deafening murmurs that kept him awake, or disturbed what little sleep he had been able to get.  And when he opened his mouth to refute those whispers once more, something else rose up from deep within him; it stole the words he had meant to say, and replaced them with something else.  A deep-seated fear that finally found its voice.   

“Debbie and Tommy both said… am I… am I sick, Alex?”

Justin forced the words out of his mouth; when Alex’s eyes closed briefly, Justin bit his lip and looked away.  The warmth of Alex’s palms covered Justin’s knees seconds later, and he squeezed gently until Justin looked back towards him.

“Yeah, baby; you’re sick.  You’ve been sick for quite some time now.”

Justin felt his face twist at the softly made statement, and he shook his head slightly as he stared down at Alex.

“I’ve been taking my pills…” he managed, and Alex smiled faintly as he gently squeezed Justin’s knees again.

“I know you have, Justin; you think that your Mom would micromanage your life?” Alex asked as he leaned closer to the blond with a small smile.  “I knew down to the hour when you needed a new script.  I know how much you hate taking them, but tell me – do you think they are working now?”

Justin licked his lips and then shrugged.

“I don’t know.  I don’t feel… I’m fi… I don’t want to be sick, Alex.  I don’t want to feel like this, but I don’t…”

Justin pressed his lips together firmly to keep the words inside; he knew that his eyes were wide, that his breathing was strangled in his throat.  He knew that his heart wasn’t trying to punch its way out of his chest, but Jesus, it felt like it would.

“Justin?”

Justin looked down at Alex, who took a deep breath and reached for Justin’s hands before he spoke quietly as he held them firmly within his own.

“I’ve asked you this before; to be honest with yourself, and to be honest with me.  I swear, I’ll believe you, because you wouldn’t lie to me, would you?  The same as I would never lie to you.”

Justin shook his head almost frantically as he continued to bite his bottom lip while staring into the kind brown eyes looking up at him from the floor.  And when Alex licked his lips, Justin knew that things would never be the same again.

“The day that Ethan found you in the bathtub… did you just want to sleep?”

The silence between them grew so thick that Justin could all but taste it as Alex looked at him steadily, while squeezing his hands in unwavering support as the blood slowly drained out of Justin’s face.  And from somewhere deep inside, Justin finally found the courage to face his demons, and he slowly shook his head as he fought back the tears he could feel burning behind his eyes.

“Did you try to take your own life, Justin?”

The silence pressed in on them, cocooning them within the moment.  But then Justin shattered the moment when he nodded; a sharp jerk of his head that sent tears spilling down over his colorless cheeks.  But his tears didn’t matter; Alex was already climbing to his feet and pulling Justin towards him as he sat down on the couch beside the blond, with relief clearly shining on his face. 

Pulled into Alex’s arms, Justin’s whole body sagged when Alex wrapped his arms around him tightly; he felt Alex thread his fingers through his hair, and the rapid pounding of Alex’s heartbeat against his chest as he closed his eyes and rested his head against Alex’s shoulder.  Alex rocked him slightly, and Justin finally gave up the fight and let go as Alex continued to hold him while he cried.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rock bottom.  Once you hit it, the only way you could go was up.  But fuck, did it leave behind a mess.  Alex sat on the couch silently as he continued to gently comb his fingers through Justin’s hair.  The kid was stretched out on the couch with his head in Alex’s lap; his face was flushed, but he was finally breathing steadily as he huddled under the blanket.  Justin had nearly cried himself sick in the aftermath; this was what Alex had been waiting for.  For Justin to face his illness head-on and admit to himself what he had done.

Watching Justin fight his demons and finally overcome them had been one of the hardest things Alex had ever had to witness.  But it had been time; Alex had known something was different about the boy when Justin had taken his hand in the park.  In all the months since Justin’s attempt, never had he willingly reached for help before.  In Justin’s mind, in his own words, he was fine.  It had been heartbreaking to watch him struggle, but just like the tiny ray of light he had seen in Justin’s eyes earlier, Alex had finally found hope.

Looking down at the young man, Alex smiled slightly.  Shudders continued to occasionally wrack his slim frame, followed by the appearance of singular tears that would slowly slide down over his cheeks.  But for the first time in a long time, Justin’s eyes were clear as he met Alex’s steady gaze.  Oh, there was still pain; but it was a smear across those blue eyes now – not a heavy shroud that had blinded the boy to just how fragile and precarious his mind had become.

“I’m sorry.”

It was a hoarsely whispered sound, accompanied by another lone tear, and Alex shook his head slightly.

“There is absolutely nothing to apologize for, Justin,” he murmured.  “I told you a long time ago that I was willing to listen.  That I was here if you needed me.  You had to be the one who was willing to open up; to admit to yourself what you had done.  All the therapy and antidepressants in the world weren’t going to help you, until you faced this head on; do you understand?”

Justin nodded, and rolled onto his side so that he was facing Alex’s knees.  Alex continued to stroke his head, offering what little comfort he could as Justin’s entire body trembled from what Alex could only call touch deprivation.

“I told Brian that I didn’t want to die, that I just wanted to stop feeling like I was going to.  I felt like that all the time, Alex; it was constantly there.  I just wanted it to stop,” Justin mumbled.

“What happened that day, Justin?”        

“I didn’t mean to… honestly,” Justin said quietly.  “I was so used to hurting, that when…  It was just too much, you know?”

“What was too much, Justin?” Alex asked gently, and Justin shuddered before his whole body seemed to collapse in on itself.

“Leaving Babylon and Brian that night with Ethan was the hardest thing I had ever done; God, Alex, I loved him so much,” Justin said finally.  “I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I couldn’t stand back and watch him fuck other guys; not when it was a message.  Not when it was because he was self-destructing.  I just couldn’t take the humiliation anymore; waiting for the crumbs of affection that he would throw my way when he thought no one was watching.

“I knew that leaving him would be hard, you know?  But I never thought that I would be punished by his family for finally growing some balls and deciding that I didn’t want to be treated that way anymore.  They wouldn’t talk to me; they looked at me like I was nothing more than a piece of shit on the sidewalk.  These were the people who had told me that I was their friend, a part of their fucked up little family.  I figured that was all right; they were Brian’s family first, and I had Ethan, Sam and Daph.”

Justin fell silent, and Alex bit his lip in an effort to stay quiet as he continued to card his fingers gently through Justin’s hair.  This was the first time Justin had ever volunteered information, and when Justin’s shoulders continued to give intermittent little jerks, Alex knew that the boy was fighting back his tears again as he relived whatever had sent him on his downward spiral.

“I was taking the trash out when Michael came up to me.  He told me that taking out the trash was all I was good for, because I was an expert at using things and throwing them away.  I knew he meant Brian, and what had happened at Babylon; I said that I would have told Brian to go fuck himself, but he was already doing that with Rage.

“He called me a shit, and asked me how I could do it after all he'd done for me?  Like he expected me to just sit there and continue to take it, you know?  He told me that I knew who Brian was, right from the beginning, and he asked me if I thought that I could change him, that I thought he would change for me?  I said I didn’t want to talk about it; he’d finally got what he’d wanted, and Brian and I were done.  I told him that there was nothing standing in his way anymore, that Brian was all his.”

Justin took several steadying breaths, as Alex fought the need to go and hunt Michael down and tear him a whole new asshole for being such a bastard.

“Michael said that since I was no longer with Brian, there was really no reason for me to be around anymore.  So, why don't I just do them all a favor, and disappear?  I wasn’t wanted anymore, to get the fuck out of their lives – to stop freeloading off of the family.  He said that none of them cared about me, that they only put up with me because I was Brian’s live in fuck boy.  He said he had never met anyone as selfish as I was, that he was glad Brian had finally wised up and kicked me out of his life.  That this was the thanks that Brian got for saving my life.”

Justin’s voice dropped to a mere whisper, and his breath hitched several times before he finally managed to push the words out.

“He said, ‘If you ask me, it wasn't worth it.  Brian should have done himself and the family a favor and just left you lying there.’”

Justin shook his head slightly when Alex’s hand stilled against his skull, before he finally heaved a heavy sigh.

“I felt like he had wrenched my chest open and pulled my heart out.  I couldn’t speak; I could barely fucking breathe.  I couldn’t stay there for another moment; I walked out on Debbie, and I went to Ethan’s.  He had given me a key after I had left Babylon, and he and Sam had been kind enough to let me stay with them.  I just felt… so fucking dirty.  So… I ran the bath.”

Justin slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position and turned to face Alex.  His face was open and honest, and his voice took on a pleading tone as he reached out hesitantly and touched Alex’s hand.

“I didn’t plan on it, Alex, I swear to God, I didn’t.  I didn’t plan it out or leave a note; I just wanted to stop feeling like I was dying on the inside.  It felt like no one could see how badly this was hurting me; no one cared that I hadn’t meant to hurt Brian.  I fucking loved him… I just didn’t like him or myself any longer.  I really did just want to go to sleep.”

Turning his hand over, Alex gently grasped Justin’s hand within his own and squeezed gently as Justin’s breathing started to turn into little gasps.

“Be honest, Justin,” he said gently.

Justin managed to nod, and when he finally spoke, his face flushed bright red before the color drained out of his face completely.

“I had sleeping pills in my bag from when I had trouble sleeping after the… after.  So, I took the bottle and the Beam into the bathroom.  I could still hear Michael in my head; telling me that he wished that Brian had let me die, that the family would have all been better off.  I’d lost everything, Alex; my family, my friends, my fucking job.  I had nowhere to live again, and I was having to depend on friends for a place to stay.”

Justin shook his head and dropped his eyes momentarily before he seemed to gather himself.  When he finally looked up, Alex could see the resolve in Justin’s steady gaze and he squeezed Justin’s hand in support. 

“I opened the bottle, but when I shook it, more than one pill came out.  I looked at them for the longest time, Alex; they helped me to sleep, you know?  They turned my mind off… my nightmares… they gave me peace.  I didn’t think after that.  I didn’t think about what it would do to Ethan or Sam if they came home.  I didn’t think about what it would do to my Mom or to Molly or to Daph.  I looked at them, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to stop hurting.  Just for a minute. 

“I wanted to stop hearing Michael telling me that he wished I had died… I wanted to stop feeling like I was going to, with every breath I took.  I just wanted to stop… being.  Existing.  When you want to turn a light off, you cut off the power that feeds it…  I wanted to turn off my pain… so, I stopped thinking, and I took them.  And then I got into the bathtub and I tried to drown out Michael’s voice with the Beam.

 “The last thing I remember thinking as I closed my eyes was that Michael was right – Brian should have left me there.  At least now Brian could be happy again.  He could go back to being what he wanted to be; he could fuck whom he wanted, without me annoying him.  He could be without responsibility; he could be… Brian Kinney.  And then I stopped thinking.  And the next thing I knew, Daph was in my face, telling me that if I thought that I was checking out on her, I had another thing coming.”  

Justin managed to smile even as his eyes filled with tears.  And when they finally spilled over, he took the final step in his journey towards his recovery.

“I didn’t mean it, Alex; I don’t want to feel like that anymore – like I’m dying inside.  I promise.”

Leaning closer to the blond, Alex managed to smile himself as he reached out and cupped Justin’s jaw briefly in his hand.

“Do you want to stop feeling like this, Justin?  Do you want me to help you?”

And when Justin finally nodded, Alex closed his arms around the boy as his tears continued to fall.