22.

Justin figured that he should have been used to appearing partially naked in front of people that he barely knew; ninety percent of Liberty Avenue’s gay men had seen his bare ass.  They had seen him get fucked by Brian, or seen him fucking other men.  And even though he wore briefs, and his nutritionist wasn’t touching him unless it was necessary, he still felt uncomfortable in a way that he had never felt before. 

“Very good, Justin; you’ve gained another couple of ounces.  A couple more, and you’ll have regained another pound.”

Justin nodded as Carol gestured for him to step off the scales; the room was slightly cold, and he shivered as he wrapped his arms around himself.  He could feel the outline of his ribs beneath his fingers; they weren’t as prominent as they had been, and as another shiver wracked his body, she looked up at him and smiled.

“Get dressed, sweetie, and take a seat.” 

Justin nodded and did as he was told.   Carol settled behind her desk and raised her eyebrow while he put his clothes back on.

“So, how are you doing with the meal plans that I created for you?”

Justin sank into the chair opposite her desk, and raising his thumb to his mouth shrugged slightly.

“Justin?”

“I feel like every time I turn around, someone is shoving food in my mouth,” he said finally, and Carol laughed softly.

“They are,” she said with a cheeky wink.  “But the food that’s being prepared for you is high in calories; calories that you need.  It can’t all be about fast food and Pop Tarts.”  She peered at her patient’s file sitting on her desk.  “Let’s see what you’ve got on the menu for today: you had an omelet with cheese and spinach for breakfast, and then you’ve got a salad with chicken and egg for lunch, and for dinner it’s beef stew with potato and steamed greens, followed by rice pudding.  A cereal bar and protein shake in between breakfast and lunch, and then another shake, yogurt, and assorted nuts after lunch.”

“Yum,” Justin said dryly.  “Mystery meat stew… my favorite.”

Carol’s brow creased when she frowned, and Justin blew out a hard breath, shaking his head.   “I’m not used to eating that much anymore,” he admitted softly, and Carol nodded as her face grew serious.

“I know you aren’t, but you are underweight, Justin; almost dangerously so.  You were put on a 3,400 calorie-a-day diet when you were admitted.  Now I am not saying that you have an eating disorder; far from it.  What you are, though, is far too skinny.  How are you meant to heal your mind, when your body is suffering, hmm?” she asked, and Justin nodded slightly as she made a note in his file.

“Do you have a session coming up?” Carol asked, and Justin nodded as they both rose from their seats.

“Yeah… group session.”

“Is that man of yours coming in to visit you today?”

Justin’s eyes snapped towards her, and Carol smiled.

“That gorgeous guy who visits you every night; the one who brings you those lemon bars that smell so good?”

Justin bit back a sigh and then shook his head.

“He’s not mine,” he mumbled.  “He’s no one’s man.”

Confusion colored Carol’s face for a moment, before she shrugged. 

“My mistake, sweetie; I thought he was your boyfriend.”

Justin shook his head as he pulled his hoodie over his head, and he tucked his fists into the sleeves of it in an effort to warm them up.

“I thought he was, too,” he said quietly, and then left the room without another word when Carol gestured for him to go ahead of her. 

Heading back towards the main section of the unit, Justin paused; Carol stopped when he did, and eyed him warily.

“Are you all right?” Carol asked, and Justin nodded.

“I guess… but I’d kill for a smoke; can you take me out?”

Carol glanced at her watch and then nodded. 

“You really should think about giving up the smokes, Justin, but yeah, you’ve got time before your next session.  You want a drink, too?”

Justin shook his head and followed her towards the glass-walled atrium; this was the unit’s one saving grace: an open space that was nestled in the middle of the building; a place to go, when you weren’t allowed outside.  Breathing in the fresh air, Justin sighed heavily as Carol paused before she closed the doors behind him.

“Have I upset you, Justin?” she asked, and Justin managed to smile as he shook his head and walked into the garden area.  She nodded as she closed the door.

Sitting down on one of the picnic tables that dotted the area, Justin lit his cigarette and smoked in silence.  He’d been in the unit for almost three weeks now; three weeks of Alex prying his head open and examining the contents.  Three weeks of him picking through the jumbled mess of his mind, and showing Justin the fractured pieces that he found.  Three weeks of showing Justin just how far he had fallen.

He had promised Alex that he would try while he was in the unit; that he would be open and honest.  So, he could openly and honestly say that he wanted nothing more than to crawl under the bed, pull the pillow over his head, and hide from the world.  He was sick of seeing the mess that his life was in.  He was sick to death of seeing the looks on everyone’s faces as they sat in on a session with him.   He was sick of the false understanding and the cloying sympathy that pressed in on him from all sides.

He’d had group sessions with his friends first; Ethan had walked into that initial session and wrapped both arms around Justin without comment.  It had been his unwavering support that caused Justin to lose his shit, and he had cried for the entire hour that Ethan had been there.  It had been out here in the atrium that they had finally talked.  Apologies had been exchanged between bouts of tears; apologies and reassurances from both sides that their friendship was rock solid and not going anywhere.

Sam’s session had been more relaxed; the boys had talked about music and art before Sam had steered the conversation towards their threesome.  His voice had been low when he had asked Justin if it had been something that he had actually wanted, or was it something that he had believed that he needed to participate in because of how Sam and Ethan had felt?  When Justin gaped at him, Sam admitted that it had caused him to lose sleep, especially after Justin had told Ethan that he would be whatever Ethan wanted him to be if the other boy would just take him home.

Justin had wound up curled in Sam’s lap that afternoon; in a quiet voice, Justin had reassured him that what had happened between them had been consensual and very much wanted.  It was then that Justin had admitted that he was jealous in a way; of the stability of Sam and Ethan’s relationship, and the easy way that they had with each other.  When Sam told him that he, too, could have that, Justin had shaken his head. 

He didn’t want a relationship anymore; he just wanted to get better, and then he wanted to move on with his life.  Sam had asked if that life was in Pittsburgh; Justin had sighed softly, before admitting that he didn’t know; there were too many memories here, and not all of them were good.  Maybe leaving Pittsburgh - and all those memories behind - was something that Justin should consider.  Sam hadn’t had an answer to that; he had merely wrapped his arms around Justin and held him until their session had drawn to a close.

His session with Daphne had been harder; tears had flowed on both sides, and Daphne had admitted that she didn’t know how to help him.  She had thought that she had been supporting him; holding him, and feeding him, and keeping him tethered to the world they shared.  She hadn’t seen how far down the hole he had fallen, and she blamed herself for Justin hiding the way he had.  Faced with her tears, Justin had been forced to admit that she had been the only thing keeping him alive some days.

That confession had horrified both Daphne and Alex.  It had been in that session that Justin had admitted that the day that he had been re-admitted to the unit, he had still felt like he was dying on the inside.  A better combination of medication was helping Justin start to level out his emotions, allowing him to open up to Daphne in a way he never had before.  And in opening up, Justin had told her that if they hadn’t been living together, he would have probably found a way to end his pain once and for all.

Daphne had asked him, with her voice wavering as she fought back her tears, if he still wanted to die.  Justin had been able to answer her honestly; no, he didn’t want to die anymore.  He just didn’t know how to reach out and grasp the tattered remains of his life.  He had no idea how to begin trying to glue the pieces back together, or how those pieces would look once he was done.  But the voice in his head that had been telling him everyone would be better off if he died had been silenced once and for all when he had admitted to Alex that he had tried killing himself.

That session had turned Justin’s once a day, one-on-one session into twice a day, one-on-one sessions.  Alex dug further into his mind, as he tried to tease apart the tangled mess he found.  Justin had asked Alex if there was a chance that he had schizophrenia; if that was why he had heard the voice.  Never one to be an orthodox type of professional, Alex had shaken his head before impetuously gathering Justin into a hug.  That voice, he had murmured, was Justin’s mind playing tricks on him – it, too, was suffering under the crushing guilt that the blond had felt.  It had fallen silent, because Justin had finally opened up freed himself of it after admitting the truth.

Justin had confessed then that he didn’t want to participate in the sessions with the family; he was scared to learn what they thought, and what they wanted from him.  How was he meant to look them in the eye?  How was he meant to let go of what had happened?  Alex hadn’t been able to answer that question, but he had said that he wanted Justin to try; that they would start easy out with Ted and Emmett, and work their way up from there, and if all he ever accomplished in those sessions was to tell the family to fuck off, at least he would have the chance to do so.     

The first person who had sat down with him had been Ted; bluntly honest, and not scared to call a spade a spade, Ted had admitted to carrying debilitating anger when it had come to Michael and what he had said about Justin.  He just didn’t know how to deal with that anger when it was directed at someone he had once considered to be amongst his closest friends.  He had told Justin that when the blond had come into their lives, he had been a catalyst of sorts – forcing them all to grow up and embrace the change that Gus’s birth and Justin’s rebirth had caused.

Over steaming coffee and the chocolate chip cookies that Ted had bought with him, he had revealed that he admired the shit out of Justin, and that he wished he had had a friend like him when he had been in his own teens.   The man admired his intelligence, and the way he thought and analyzed things.  The fact that his brain was packaged in a very attractive outer wrapping meant nothing to Ted anymore – he enjoyed the intellect that Justin’s friendship offered him, and the fact that a man as good looking as Justin didn’t judge Ted on his own nerdy apperance.

Ted had then told Justin that he had been the cause of another shift – he and Brian were becoming friends outside of Michael and Emmett.  Ted said that he owed Justin a debt of gratitude for forcing him to open his eyes and see Brian as more than the Stud of Liberty Avenue.  Justin had tilted his head slightly at the man’s words, and Ted had reached out to lightly touch Justin’s hand, before telling him that he wasn’t the only one who had changed.   

Justin sighed as he looked down at the table; his first session with Emmett had made Justin wonder just how blind he had become since waking up from his coma after Hobbs had bashed him when the nelly queen had assured Justin that he could still trust him.  Emmett had kept the promise he had made to the blond; seeing Tommy had gone a long way toward Justin feel like he would be able to talk to Emmett in another session.  That second session, however, had been very difficult on both sides.

Emmett had tackled the idea of honesty head on; his opening statement to Justin had been the reason why he had called him a broken boy toy.  By the end of that session, Emmett had been openly crying, and so had Justin.  The session had planted seeds in Justin’s head, however, about Brian’s behavior when Justin had been in the hospital after the bashing.  In a soft, lilting voice, Emmett had explained that Brian had lost himself during that time; that his guilt had driven the man to trick like Emmett had never seen him do before. 

But in all the tricks that he had had during that time, not one of them had been blond, or twink-like.  The one time a blond twink had approached Brian, the man had fled Babylon as if Hounds of Hell were nipping at his heels.  After explaining those odd behaviors, Emmett had then spoken about a very different Brian; the one who had single handedly closed Babylon’s doors after finding out what the Sap had tried to do to Justin.

This Brian went to Woody’s and had a couple of beers while playing pool.  He was seen with his mini-me son, playing in the park, and nibbling on lemon bars on Saturday afternoons.  But he didn’t go to the other clubs on Liberty Avenue.  He hadn’t been seen trying to drink himself to death, nor had he ever seemed stoned out of his mind.  This Brian Kinney was not the same one who had buried what he had felt when Justin had been hospitalized after being bashed. 

This Brian Kinney was still in therapy three times a week with Alex; he was trying to learn how to handle his problems.  He was learning how to deal with his past, so that his future would be a better one than what he had envisioned for himself.  This Brian Kinney was different than the one that Justin had walked away from; they were all different.  This Brian Kinney was one that Emmett called his close friend.

Justin bit his lip before he lit another cigarette; inhaling deeply, he blew out a steady stream of smoke.  The Brian Kinney that Emmett and Ted spoke about was the same man who Carol had described.  Since the afternoon that Brian had handed him the photographs that Renee had taken, he had begun stopping by after work every night.  Sometimes they made small talk; other times they sat in silence and watched the world pass them by outside the window.  And without fail, Brian always had a lemon bar for Justin.  

“I want you in any way that I can have you… I'll take whatever you can give me, Justin.  Friendship, if you can’t give me anything else; just stop shutting me out.  Let me in… let me help you.”

Justin sighed softly as Brian’s voice whispered in his head again; he had told him that they had never been friends; that they never would be.  Brian knew that Justin didn’t want to go back to the way things had been; and true to his word, he was trying to be… his friend.  Someone who Justin could sit in silence with; who didn’t expect him to be some dancing fucking monkey with a smile on its face.  He would have given Brian everything at one point – if he had needed more, Justin would have found a way to give it to him.  Now Justin simply had nothing else left to offer.

He knew Brian wanted to fuck him; the man couldn’t hide it.  But Justin couldn’t have that type of non-relationship with Brian anymore; not when it left him feeling used up and empty.  Not when his stomach rolled with nausea at the mere thought of facing his ex during sex; Brian had the ability to strip away more than just Justin’s clothes when they had sex.  He couldn’t hide how the man made him feel – he’d never been able to.  Not from the very first night…he couldn’t let Brian have that power over him again.

He was empty; hollowed out and tired.  Nineteen years of age, and he felt like he had lived five lifetimes already.  He just wanted it to get easier; he had told Alex that, and Alex had said that in time it would.  He just had to trust that Alex would lead him out of the dark he was trapped in and back into the light.  Trust… easier said than done, when Justin didn’t trust his own fucking mind, let alone the people around him. 

The sound of the door opening pulled Justin out of his dark thoughts, and when Alex sat down beside him, Justin squinted at him through the haze of smoke he had exhaled.

“I can’t remember who it is I’m seeing today,” he said finally when Alex remained silent, and Alex reached out slowly and gripped Justin’s hand.

“Your mother is coming in today, Justin,” he said gently, and Justin snorted and looked away.

“In other words, I’ll spend this session apologizing for being here, and asking her not to cry; can I play hooky, Alex, and hide in the TV room instead?” he asked dryly, and Alex laughed softly.

“Nooo…come on, she’s not that bad,” Alex said, and Justin snorted again as he slanted his eyes towards Alex.

“I’ll make you a deal; you get through this session..,” Alex said with a laugh when he caught sight of the ‘are you shitting me? ’ look on Justin’s face, “…and I’ll bring you back a burger for dinner.”

Justin narrowed his eyes slightly, and then pursed his lips.

“I’ll make you a better deal,” he said finally.  “If she doesn’t burst into tears within the first five minutes, you’ll make it two burgers.” 

Alex snickered and held his hand out for Justin to shake.

“Deal… just don’t tell Carol… she’ll rip my balls off and wear them as earrings.  Now come on, stop putting it off.  The quicker we get inside, the quicker we can start.”

Justin sighed but finished his cigarette without further comment.  Alex’s hand was warm against his lower back as he guided Justin inside, and Justin fought the urge to twitch as they walked towards Alex’s office.  Alex’s office was nice; done in cream and pale green, the chairs were comfortable, and the lighting subdued.  Jennifer was already waiting when Alex opened the door, and she brushed her lips over Justin’s cheek gently before they sat side-by-side on the couch. 

Justin let his mind drift slightly as Jennifer made small talk with Alex; his mom was always a perfect WASP.  It was only when Alex asked Jennifer if she had any questions for Justin, that his mother turned towards him and moistened her lips.  Justin stiffened as she raised her eyes to meet his; he knew that gesture well.  She was upset about something, and nervous that Justin was going to flip his shit.  Bracing himself, Justin waited for whatever it was that she was going to say.

“You look healthier… stronger…” Jennifer began, and Justin nodded as he sank his teeth into the inside of his lip.

“He looks healthier, doesn’t he, Alex?” Jennifer said as she glanced over at him for confirmation.  Justin watched Alex’s eyebrows drew together slightly in concern as Jennifer looked down at her hands.

“How’s Molly?” Justin asked in a low voice, and Jennifer looked up in surprise.

“She was happy to see you the other day,” Jennifer finally said.  “She was upset to learn that you were back in the hospital, but, uh… seeing you went a long way towards making her feel better.  She wants to come back this weekend and see you again.”

“I’d like that,” Justin said softly, and Jennifer nodded as she wrung her hands in her lap.

“Molly, uh… your Dad had her last weekend… and he…uh…”

Justin swallowed hard, an icy chill rolling down his spine as his mother stuttered over her words.  His pulse had quickened painfully when Jennifer had mentioned Craig, and as Jennifer finally lifted her gaze to meet Justin’s, he fought to keep his breathing steady as crushing pain spread throughout his body.

“He wants to come and see you,” she said finally.  “He wants to see for himself how you are doing.”

Justin immediately shook his head, even as Jennifer reached out to grab his hand in hers.

“Justin… he’s your father,” she said quietly, and Justin shook his head again as his stomach rolled.

“No… he isn’t,” he managed.  “He hasn’t been my father since he kicked me out of the house for being gay… since he looked at me and saw an abomination instead of the child he had raised for seventeen years… I don’t want to see him.”

Jennifer fought back tears as Justin’s breathing changed; she could hear the panic he was fighting against in the broken gasps that escaped his mouth.  Alex rose from his seat in alarm as the color in Justin’s face bled away, leaving him as white as a ghost.  But as he stepped out from behind his desk, Jennifer spoke again.

“Justin, please… he’s threatening to get a court order… he said that if you don’t agree to see him, he will have a judge force the issue by declaring that you are mentally unfit and incapable of making your own decisions.  He said that Brian had brainwashed you, and that now that you two have parted company, he feels like he could work out some type of agreement with you regarding school…”

Justin gaped at her momentarily; he had heard the words that had come out of her mouth.  He understood what they meant.  Now that he wasn’t whoring himself out to Brian for tuition, his father had decided that his son was maybe, perhaps, worth knowing again.  Like the last two years hadn’t happened; like he hadn’t died in that parking garage and been reborn as the broken young man who sat in this pretty green office, facing yet one more betrayal from someone who had proclaimed to care about him. 

Justin felt the first wave of agony crash down on him; felt it in the searing pain that stole his ability to breathe and sent him momentarily blind.  He heard Alex call his name; heard it, and tried to make his voice work as another wave crested.  And in the space of a heartbeat, as that wave broke over his head and dragged him under, he heard a very distinct click in his mind.  And in that very moment, Justin Taylor stopped existing. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Alex glanced at the clock and sighed – to say that this morning’s session between Justin and Jennifer had been a cluster fuck of epic proportion was the understatement of the century.  In the silence that had followed Jennifer’s statement on what his father wanted, Justin had shut down.  It was like someone had cut his strings; his face had fallen slack, and his eyes had gone flat.  By the time Alex had closed the few steps between them, Justin had already locked himself away in his own mind, and nothing that Alex had done since had worked to bring the boy back.

Jennifer had left the hospital in tears when she realized what had happened; Justin hadn’t responded to her voice or her touch.  He hadn’t even flinched when she cupped his face in her hands and demanded that he speak to her.  He was just gone.  After Jennifer had left, Alex had been at a loss as to what to do; he had never seen Justin shut down the way he had.  In the end, he had gently led Justin back to his room, where he was being observed by a nurse.  Justin had retreated to the armchair in his room; curled up in the chair, he sat with his knees drawn up against his chest and his eyes fixated on the world outside his window. 

Alex glanced at the clock again; the boy hadn’t moved from his chair in over five hours.  His lunch sat untouched on the tray, and Alex was beginning to get desperate.  This was worse than when he had first been admitted to the unit and looked like the walking dead; back then, he had responded to his friends.  But not even a visit from Ethan and Daphne had broken through to Justin; he had allowed the musician to stroke his head, and Daphne to hold his hands, but he had remained silent and still. 

It had been Ethan who had quietly suggested that Alex call Brian – to tell the man to come in earlier than usual.  Ethan had shrugged at Alex’s raised eyebrows before muttering that he didn’t hate the fucker – he just really disliked him.  Daphne had pursed her lips, but a telling look from Ethan silenced any objection the girl might have made.  Ethan had said quietly that maybe Justin’s pride would pull him out of this tunnel – he hated appearing weak at any given time, but none more so than when Brian was around.

It was then that Alex realized something; Justin’s friends no longer trusted him like they had once done.  Prior to Boytoy, if Justin had spoken about Brian to either Ethan, Sam, or Daphne, they had always quietly let Alex know what had been said.  It might not have been a conscious decision to keep the conversations between the four young people private now, but private they were.  If it was detrimental to Justin’s overall health and recovery, they spilled faster than a dropped glass of scotch.  But if it wasn’t... if it didn’t hurt Justin’s recovery…        

Alex pushed his troubling thoughts away when Brian was shown into his office.  Turning to face him, he briefly admired the Armani suit that Brian wore before gesturing toward the couch.  Brian frowned slightly, but sank into the plush cushions without comment.  He remained silent as Alex explained what had happened, but the psychologist saw the anger that darkened Brian’s eyes when the reason was made known; Brian pinched the bridge of his nose when Alex finally fell silent, and he shook his head slightly.

“I don’t understand… is he just…not talking?”

Alex shook his head as he sat forward in his seat, and he gestured helplessly.

“No, it’s more than that, Brian.  This is called disassociation; to put it in plain terms, Justin has decided that the world is too hard to deal with and has disassociated himself from it,” Alex said quietly.  “We sometimes see it in patients who are on the autism spectrum and it has varying levels of severity.  In Justin’s case, this whole journey just got too hard; there were too many changes in a short period of time, and he cracked under the pressure.  He’s taking what I call a mental time out – locking himself inside the safety of his own mind, rather than facing the pain of the real world where people can hurt him.”

Brian licked his lips and then shook his head again.

“Has he ever done this before?” he asked, and Alex nodded.

“Yes.  He did this to an extent when he was first admitted to the unit, and then again after he saw us together at Boytoy.  Back then, he would still respond to Daphne or Ethan.  This time, however, it was like they weren’t even there.”  

Brian blew out an unsteady breath and spread his hands.

“I thought he was getting better,” he said softly.  “He seemed more settled… he was more at ease when I was around… I thought I was helping to fix him.”

Alex shook his head helplessly as he stared at the other man.

“Brian… you can’t fix this…you can’t fix him.  Justin has to be the one who fixes himself; you can support him, but you can’t do it for him.  That was the whole point of therapy, be it his case or yours.  You have to learn to fix what is wrong with you, before you can even contemplate attempting to rebuild a relationship with him.”

Brian sucked in a shaky breath as he slumped against the back of the couch. 

“How long will he remain… locked in his head?” Brian asked, and Alex shook his head.

“I don’t know,” he said finally.  “Justin has to want to come back, Brian.  I told you that depression was an ugly bastard to deal with.  I warned you back when you first found out; there will be days where you wonder what the fuck you are doing, and why.  You’ll think that you aren’t getting anywhere, and that you are going backwards.  This, my friend, is one of those days.”

Brian pressed his lips firmly together as he stared at Alex with wide eyes, and as the color slowly drained from his face, Alex knew that Brian was remembering the remainder of that conversation.

“You said that I might still lose him… you didn’t just mean in the biblical sense… did you?” he managed, and Alex shook his head.

“No, Brian.  I didn’t.  Prior to him admitting what he had done, I thought I had made headway with Justin; he told me a week ago that he had still felt like he was dying the day I re-admitted him.  If Justin hadn’t opened up when he had - if he hadn’t reached for help - he would have eventually tried to take his own life again.  We’ve spoken about that; he is getting better, Brian; he doesn’t feel like that anymore.  But this journey was always going to be one step forward, two steps back.”

Brian blew out an unsteady breath as he raked his hands through his hair.  Color had returned to his face after Alex’s reassurance, and he rose to his feet slowly.

“He’s in his room?” he managed to ask, and Alex nodded.

“Yeah; I’ll come down with you.”   

Brian maintained his silence on the walk to Justin’s room.  Alex heard the sigh that escaped the man when he caught sight of the blond; Justin was still curled up in his chair.  Crossing the room, Brian tugged his suit jacket off and laid it across the end of Justin’s bed before he moved towards the young man; he brushed his hand over Justin’s head, before he sank to a crouch in front of the boy.  Looking up into the blank face, Brian shook his head before he glanced at Alex.

“Has he eaten today?” he managed, and Alex shook his head.

“Not since breakfast.  He hasn’t moved, Brian, in hours.”

Brian bit his lip as he turned back to face Justin; Alex let the silence in the room linger until Brian finally seemed to come to some sort of decision and he nodded once. Alex jerked when Brian suddenly reached out and gently tugged Justin’s legs down one at a time.  He smoothed his hands up each calf; rubbing the stiff muscles gently, before he stood up and reached for Justin’s hands.  For a moment, Alex was tempted to stop him; but when Brian was able to pull Justin up from the chair like a docile puppet, he bit his tongue. 

Wrapping his arm around Justin’s waist when the blond rocked momentarily on his feet, Brian slowly led him into the bathroom.  Alex pushed away from the door frame and looked through the open door; he could only watch in surprise as Brian carefully guided Justin through using the toilet to empty his bladder, and then over to the tiny hand basin to wash their hands.  He was methodical as he tucked Justin’s hair behind his ear, and then guided him out of the bathroom and back towards his seat.  It was only when he settled Justin into his chair again and pulled a spare one closer that Alex was able to clear his throat.

But when Brian reached for the bowl that was sitting on the tray beside Justin’s chair, Alex sucked his lips into his mouth as Brian peeled the cover off and peered down into the bowl.  The rich scent of beef stew filled the air, and Brian breathed out a shaky breath as he reached for the spoon.  Alex swallowed hard as Brian scooped some of the stew up, but when he lightly brushed the tip of the spoon over Justin’s lower lip, Alex blinked back the burning in his eyes when Justin’s lips slowly parted and Brian slipped the spoon into his mouth.

“I, uh… I remember learning to feed Gus this way, because you showed me how to, Sunshine,” Brian said quietly.  “You showed all of us… you can’t expect a baby to just open his mouth to something he’s never eaten before…you have to tease him into wanting it… you showed me how… you showed me…”

For a minute, Alex thought that Justin wouldn’t do anything but sit there with the food in his mouth.  But then that pale throat worked, and when Brian lifted the next spoonful of food to his lips, Alex saw that Justin was chewing before he swallowed.  Slowly, and methodically, Justin chewed each spoon of meat and vegetables before swallowing, allowing Brian to slowly feed him as he hid within the dark recesses of his own mind.

It took Brian an hour to get Justin to eat the stew; in the end, the blond simply closed his lips when he was full, and rested his head against the back of the armchair.  Brian made no comment; he merely reached for the paper napkin, and wiped the remnants of the rich gravy from Justin’s mouth.  Setting the napkin, bowl, and spoon back on the tray, Brian then leaned forward and rested his head against Justin’s thighs.  Alex silently backed out of the room as Brian slid his arms around Justin’s calves and a shudder wracked his frame; and as he did so, he sent up a silent prayer that if anyone up there loved these two men, that maybe they could send down a helping hand.