27.

“How have you settled back into being at home again?”

“It’s good to be able to sleep in my own bed.”

“And how are things between you and Daphne?”

“Really good; since we had that therapy session at the hospital together, things have been really open between us.  Daph isn’t afraid to tell me how it is, and I’m not hiding anything from her now.  It’s like we’re back to where we were before we had sex and things got so strange between us.”

“I thought things were better in that part of your relationship.”

“They were; I think it was more me than Daph; I shouldn’t have had sex with her.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Other than the fact that I’m gay?  It changed things between us… I always felt guilty that I couldn’t be what she wanted me to be.”

“Justin, Daphne only wants you to be you.  The absolute best version of you that you can put forth.  If that is the Justin that walks around in sweat pants and bare feet while scratching his ass as he drinks his coffee, then that is the Justin that Daphne will love.  The same as you love the Daphne that falls asleep while studying, and ends up with pen all over the side of her face.”

“Ha!  I love that Daphne; she’s funny when she wakes up and can’t figure out where she is.”

“That’s good.  And when do you plan on going back to work?”

“I’m not.  I resigned from BP; as I said to you before I discharged myself, I need to take back control of my life.  I don’t think that working at BP during the night will be helpful – I’m alone too often, and I get lost in my own head.  I can’t afford to do that anymore.”

“So, you went through with it; I’m proud of you for that, Justin.  Most people will stick with what is familiar and safe.  Do you have any plans for a job?”

“Brian suggested that I look into an internship with an ad agency.”

“That’s a great idea, Justin; you’ll be able to learn on the job, and get a better understanding of your artistry.”

“Yeah, that’s what he said.  I’m going to put a resume together and send it out.”

“Let me know how it goes.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Any job offers?”

“One.  But I won’t be taking it.”

“Why?”

“Because Brian rode to the rescue again.”

“What do you mean?”

“The interview is with fucking Vanguard.”

“Isn’t that where Brian works?”

“Yep.”

“I see.”

“Gardner Vance asked me to come in for an interview; I said I would, but I won’t be taking the position.”

“Oh, Gardner offered you the job… I thought that you meant that Brian had offered it to you.”

“No, Gardner did.  He said that Brian wouldn’t have anything to do with it.”

“So… why are you so reluctant to take the job?”

“Seriously, Alex?”

“Yes, Justin, seriously.  If Brian doesn’t have anything to do with your role in the company, why not take the job?  I mean, you’re an artist.  By the sound of it, you’ll be getting hands-on training and working credit towards your education.”

“Yeah, but…”

“But nothing.  If Gardner has said that Brian won’t have anything to do with your job, then realistically, Justin, it is only your pride keeping you from accepting the role.  You told me when you were discharging yourself that you wanted to take control of your life.  If Brian had a hand in putting your name forward for an internship, that doesn’t mean anything more than him thinking that you are talented enough to get the role.  The rest of it is up to you.”

“Huh… I guess.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Tell me how things are going, Justin.”

“They’re alright.”

“How’s the new schedule for school going?”

“I haven’t started it yet; I still need to finish up at BP first, and I don’t do that for another week.”

“Ingrid take you resigning okay?”

“Yeah, she said that she had been expecting it; she wished me well, and told me to finish out my two-weeks’ notice.”

“And are you looking forward to starting at Vanguard?”

“…”

“Justin?”

“I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?”

“That’s the thing; I can’t tell you, Alex.  I just… I don’t know.”

“Is it because of the close proximity to Brian?”

“No.  Gardner told me that Brian was told to keep it professional in the office, and if there is one thing that Brian prides himself on, it’s his reputation.”

“Then what’s worrying you?”

“…”

“Justin, you know that you can tell me anything.”

“What… what if I’m not good enough, Alex?”

“You wouldn’t have been offered the internship if Gardner Vance didn’t think you were good enough, Justin.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

“You don’t think it’s because I’m friends with Tommy?”

“No, I don’t.  You don’t run a multimillion dollar business on favors to your children, Justin; if Gardner hadn’t thought that you were talented enough, he wouldn’t have offered you the internship.  It’s as simple as that.”

“Oh.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“How did your meeting with Carol go?”

“Good; she said I’ve regained another two pounds, and that if I keep it up she’ll let me have some more say in what I eat.”

“That’s excellent, Justin!  Congratulations!”

“Thanks.”

“If you could eat whatever you wanted right now, what would it be?”

“…three cheese lasagna, with a glass of milk.”

“Now that does sound good; where do you get that from?”

“… Debbie’s.”

“I see.  Didn’t she ask you to have dinner with her and Vic?”

“Yeah.”

“So?  Call her.  Take her up on her offer of dinner.”

“Maybe.”

“If you do take her up on that offer, Justin… can you get me the recipe?”

“Ha!  Yeah, I can do that.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“How was your first day?”

“Hard.”

“Why was it hard?”

“There’s a lot to learn, and Murphy doesn’t pull any punches.  He said that for someone as talented as I am, that he had no intention of treating me like someone who didn’t know what they were doing, so he expected me to keep up.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“… it made me feel good.  He didn’t treat me with kid’s gloves.  He gave me a direction, and I was able to get the work done in the timeframe he set out for me.”

“What did he ask you to do?”

“I was given an outline to color, and I had to do some coloring by hand, too, rather than on the computer.  He said that I had a strong grasp of color and that my instincts were good.”

“How’s your hand holding up?”

“It’s sore.  I iced it before you came over.”

“Have you ever thought about having acupuncture?”

“I don’t like needles.”

“The needles used are different from the ones used by medical personnel, Justin.”

“I know; but I still don’t like them.  That was the one thing my mom said when I started hanging out on Liberty Avenue; she knew I wouldn’t shoot up, because the thought of using a needle freaks me out.  It made me laugh at the time, but if she knew that I was doing any kind of drug, it would break her heart.”

“You don’t take drugs anymore, though, Justin.”

“Uh, yes, Alex, I do.  You prescribed them, remember?”

“Those are a completely different type of drug, Justin; yes, you can become addicted to prescription medication, but if I thought that you were headed that way we would be having a completely different type of meeting right now.”

“Fair enough.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Are you okay, Justin?”

“Not really.”

“What happened?”

“I, uh… I was asked out on a date today.”

“Oh?  By whom?”

“Some guy I fucked last year.  Eric… He said he’d heard that Brian and I had broken up, and he asked me out to dinner.”

“What did you say?”

“I said no.”

“How come?”

“I can’t give him what he wants.”

“Which is what, Justin?”

“A boyfriend.  He told me when we fucked that he wants a boyfriend; someone to stay home with.  Someone to love.”

“Then you did the right thing, Justin, if you can’t see yourself feeling that way about him.  Better to let him down gently now than break his heart later.”

“Yeah.”

“What else is troubling you, Justin?”

“…”

“Justin?”

“He wanted romance, Alex.  What do I know about romance?  About relationships?  I’ve never even been on a fucking date.”

“Justin…”

“I know more about sex than the average nineteen-year-old; I’ve had more sex than the average nineteen-year-old.  And when he asked me out, all I could think about was that he’d eventually want to fuck again.”

“Is that a problem for you?”

“Considering that I haven’t had an erection in six months, yeah, I’d say it’s a fucking problem, Alex!  I mean, who suffers from erectile disfunction at nineteen?”

“Justin, I’ve seen you fucking at Boytoy…”

“…Yeah, I can get it up when I’m topping, but if I’m bottoming… nothing fucking happens!”

“Justin, you once viewed sex as two different things; you would happily top guys, but you would only bottom for Brian.  Maybe your emotions are playing into it.”

“I’ve bottomed for other guys since Brian, Alex.  I bottomed for both Sam and Ethan while I was still with Brian.  Just because I was stupid enough to think that by only letting Brian fuck me that it meant something about us doesn’t mean that I haven’t since learned I was wrong. 

“I thought that when Brian continued to fuck me that it meant I was special… that it meant I was different.  I was just a stupid kid who bent over for him whenever he raised an eyebrow.  I wasn’t special to him, Alex; I was just ass on tap.  I want things to go back to normal…including being able to fuck!”

“Justin…”

“Are we done?”

“Justin…”

“Are we done!?”

“…yeah, we’re done.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“What’s that?”

“Recipe for three-cheese lasagna.”

“Recipe… oh!  You had dinner with Debbie and Vic?”

“Yeah.”

“How was it?”

“It was nice, actually.  It was just Deb, Vic, me, and Daph.  There was a lot of flirting between Vic and Daph, and a lot of laughter.  I really enjoyed myself.  Deb cooked far too much, so, I have enough left-over lasagna for lunch to last me and Daph a full month.”

“So, what else happened?”

“We, uh, made arrangements to have dinner together once a week.  Either at Debbie’s or at our place.”

“That’s really good, Justin.”

“Yeah… I, uh, went outside for a smoke, and Vic followed me out.  We talked.”

“What did you talk about?”

“My attempt, and how Vic felt about me living with him and Deb last year.”

“And how do you feel about that discussion?”

“Better.  Vic said I was welcome to come to him and Deb whenever I wanted or needed anything.  That if I wanted to talk or practice my flirting that he would always be there for me.”

“Do you believe him?”

“…yeah, I think I do.”

“And how was Debbie?”

“She hovered for the first twenty minutes that we were there; I can’t tell you how many times she opened her mouth to speak, only to then close it and shoot me this worried look.”

“Do you remember when I readmitted you?”

“Yeah?”

“I called a meeting that night with the family, and with Ethan and Sam.”

“Fuck, I can just picture how well that went over with Ethan.”

“Ha!  He said something about it not being uncomfortable at all.  It broke the ice.”

“There’s my boy.  When in doubt, whip out the sarcasm.”

“Something like that.  Debbie was at that meeting, and when she first walked in she was shaken.  I took her aside and I asked her what was wrong, and she said that she had overstepped the mark with you when you were with Tommy at the diner.”

“Yeah, she did.  She made me feel like my friendship with Tommy was… dirty, somehow.  Like I was going to bend him over the table and fuck him in full view of the patrons.  It pissed me off.”

“Yeah, she said that.  She also said that you were no longer the kid who just smiled and took whatever anyone was saying to you; that you had immediately shut her down, and stood up not only for yourself but for Tommy, too.”

“Tommy’s… fucking beautiful.  I don’t mean what he looks like, Alex; I mean on the inside.  Pure as fresh snow.”

“Does he remind you of yourself?”

“No… maybe.  I care about him… he’s special, Alex.  Even when I was in the hospital, he never made me feel… damaged.  When Emmett bought Tommy by, we curled up together in bed.  Just talking.  Talking about a boy that Tommy had flirted with at Boytoy the night before.  About a girl in his class who had cut her hair short.  You know… just stuff.  He never once made me feel… weak.  To him, the setting didn’t matter.  What mattered was that we were together.” 

“Is that how Debbie and the others make you feel?”

“Sometimes.”

“Vic?”

“No, Vic didn’t make me feel like that.”

“Emmett?”

“No.”

“Ted?”

“No.”

“Brian?”

“…yeah.”

“How does Brian make you feel weak?”

“Jesus, Alex, he had to fucking spoon feed me while I was… gone.  He all but wiped my ass.”

“And that made you feel weak?”

“…yeah.”

“Did you have that reaction with Sam or Ethan?  Daphne?”

“No… why?”

“Because they were all but wiping your ass, too.”

“That’s different.”

“How is it different, Justin?”

“I don’t… it’s just different.”

“Is it because Brian was your partner?”

“…he wasn’t my partner, Alex.”

“Justin.”

“I wasn’t his partner, Alex; I was just some kid who got dumped on him.  I was... a fucking obligation.  It’s like that expression; you break it, you bought it.  In his case, it was you fucked it, now deal with it.  He never wanted me living with him; but I pushed and pushed and pushed until he gave in.”

“And now?”

“Now he feels responsible.  I can all but fucking smell it on him; eau de contrition, the latest scent in designer guilt.”

“Is that what you really think?”

“What else am I meant to think, Alex?  He threw me out of his life without a backwards glance.  I didn’t see or hear from him for months after that.  It was only because you told Emmett what I had done that Brian found out.  And suddenly he wants to be a part of my life again?  He wants to be my friend?”

“He cares about you, Justin.”

“Cares… I wanted him to love me, Alex, the way I loved him.”

“Justin… you know that he did.”

“No, he didn’t.  Don’t try and turn what we were into something that it wasn’t.  I might be fucked up, but I’m not stupid.”

“Justin…”

“I’m tired, Alex.”

“Justin, stop pushing me away when things get hard.”

“I’m not pushing.  I just don’t see the point in talking about things that you don’t understand.”

“I understand far more than you think, Justin.”

“Yeah?  Then understand that what Brian and I had is over.  Done with.”

“Have you told Brian that?”

“He’d have to admit that we were in a relationship for him to say that it was over, Alex.”

“And if he did admit it?”

“Do you know Brian Kinney?”

“Do you?”   

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Have you spoken to your mother lately?”

“Not really.  I mean, we talk.  But it’s all very surface, you know?  She asks me how therapy is going, but I don’t tell her what we speak about.”

“Why not?”

“Because she has enough on her plate with raising Molly on her own.  I don’t want to add to her problems.”

“She’s your mother, Justin.”

“What’s that got to do with it?”

“She loves you; she wants to support you.”

“I know she loves me, Alex.  But I don’t need her support.  I’m fine.”

“You know what, Justin?  I am officially banning you from using the word fine.  I never want to hear it come out of your mouth again when you are speaking about your emotions.  Use another word.”

“Huh?”

“Use angry!  Sad!  Happy!  Pissed off!  Use fucking fabulous, but do not use the word fine!”

“Why?”

“Because the last time that you used the word fine, you were anything but.  Be honest with me.  You have all these people in your life, wanting you to be honest with them.  If you can’t verbalize it to them, then talk to me.  But stop bottling it up!”

“I’m not bot…”

“Yes, you are, Justin!  Talk to me!  Just this once, don’t be the WASP that you were raised to be!  Be Justin Taylor and tell me how you really feel!”

“Fine!  I’m pissed off!”

“Good!  Why are you pissed off at her?”

“Because she betrayed me when she told my father I was gay, even after I asked her not too!  She betrayed me again when she dragged me into therapy that I didn’t want to try and ‘convert’ me back into the kid she thought was fucking clueless!  She might love me, but she sure as shit doesn’t get me!”

“How doesn’t she get you, Justin?”

“Because she never listened to me!  I would tell her one thing, and if it didn’t fall in line with how she thought I should be, she disregarded it!  Everyone keeps telling me that they want to be there for me; that they want to listen to what I have to say!  Why couldn’t they listen before?  Why… why did it take me trying to kill myself before they wanted to listen!”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Like I’m nothing!  Like my feelings and thoughts were irrelevant!  Unless I was ‘Sunshine!’… unless I was fucking bending over and saying, ‘yes, you can treat me like shit until you want to fuck me!’… unless I was what they wanted me to be… I was fucking nothing!  I was invisible.  A pretty little toy that they trotted out for amusement until they got tired of me and put me back on the shelf.”

“And now?”

“Now I want to be invisible… I can’t be what they want, Alex… I just can’t.  I can’t be ‘Mom’s Golden Child.’  I can’t be Sunshine, or Baby, or Kinney’s Boy Toy… I can’t be what I was.  And none of them understand that.”

“Justin… the people in your life?  They just want you to be you… whoever Justin Taylor turns out to be… that’s who they want you to be.”

“But I don’t know who that is!”

“You’ll find out, Justin.  And the people in your life?  They’ll love that person just as much as they loved the old Justin.”

“Love?  Love is just a lie that people tell themselves to make excuses for how they allow other people to treat them.  There’s no such thing as love, Alex.”

“Oh, Justin.”

“I’ve gotta go.”

“Justin, wait…”

“Bye.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“How’s school going?”

“Hard.  When my classes were spread out, my hand had a chance to rest.  But now that it’s condensed, I’m finding it harder to make it work properly.”

“Have you given any more thought to alternate therapy?”

“You mean acupuncture?”

“Yes.”

“No.  I told you that I don’t like needles.”

“What does your neurologist say?”

“That this is as good as it’s going to get.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“It hurts.”

“How does it hurt?”

“I don’t want to talk about the… I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Justin; you need to start addressing the things that hurt you.”

“I’ll talk about anything you want me to, Alex, but I won’t talk about that.  I can’t.”

“It’s okay to be angry, Justin.  To be scared.  Start small with me… just tell me one thing about what Chris Hobbs did to you.  Not the bashing… but afterwards… just one thing…”

“What do you want me to say, Alex?”

“Anything you want, Justin.  Just tell me one thing about how it makes you feel.”

“…he stole my life.  And I’m meant to… what?  Just deal with it?  Get over it?  Talking about it won’t fix what he did to me.  Talking about it won’t give me back the use of my hand.  It won’t bring back the person that I used to be.”

“No, it won’t.  But it will help you deal with what was done to you.”

“He…”

“He what, Justin?”

“He killed me.  Hobbs killed me in that garage.  And now I’m a broken bag of flesh and bone.  Justin Taylor?  He’s dead.  Me?  I don’t know who I am.”

“I know it feels like that…”

“No, you don’t know.  No one knows how that feels.  They all say that they understand, but they have no fucking idea how it feels.”

“There might be someone who understands.”

“Who?”

“Brian.”

“Brian...  He wouldn’t talk to me back then.  And I don’t want to talk about it now.”

“Justin…”

“I’m fucking fabulous, Alex.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“How’s work going?”

“It’s alright.”

“Do you get along with everyone?”

“Hmm.”

“Justin?”

“Look, everyone seems really nice.”

“But?”

“I’m not antisocial, Alex; I just can’t stand people.  I don’t want or need new friends.  I like the ones I have.”

“And how are those friends?”

“Good.  Daph’s buried in her books now.  Ethan is getting ready to go to New York for a week.  And Sam is organizing time off to go with Ethan.”

“How’s Tommy?”

“He’s good; he’s dating this kid at school.  They keep it low-key, but Roman isn’t hiding the fact that he’s with Tommy.  He seems nice enough; he makes Tommy happy.”

“And Emmett?”

“He keeps asking me if I want to go shopping.  He met up with me and Tommy on Monday night at Boytoy; we danced for a while.”

“It’s like pulling teeth with you today, Justin!”

“Sorry, I’m just tired.”

“Okay.  Who else?”

“I had coffee with Ted the other day; he gave me some really good financial advice.  I said I’d, uh, catch up with him and Emmett for dinner or lunch soon.  Mel and I went to the museum on the weekend; she let me take Gus home with me for the night.”

“Now that sounds like fun!”

“Yeah, it was.  He’s such a great kid.  We had an oversleep, as Gus calls it; we had spaghetti for dinner, and we watched movies and ate popcorn until he fell asleep.  First male I’ve let sleep in my bed… I woke up to him trying to eat my hair.  Brian and I took him to the park on Sunday; we had some food that Brian had bought with him, and then he dropped me off after we took Gus back to Mel.”

“Oh?  And how are things with you and Brian?”

“… He’s being a friend.”

“How do you mean?”

“We don’t see much of each other at work; but some days he’ll sit with me in the court yard at lunch.  We went to this new Thai place that he wanted to check out after work the other night.  He came to the museum with me and Mel.”

“Have you spoken to him about what happened between you?”

“No.  He keeps asking me when I’ll invite him to a therapy session.”

“And what did you say?”

“Nothing.”

“Why?”

“What else is there to say, Alex?  I talked and talked and talked when we were fucking.  I’ve said all there is to say; it changed nothing back then, and it made me feel like a fucking idiot.  It won’t change things now.  Why rehash old shit?”

“To answer any lingering questions.”

“I don’t have any questions.  I know him, remember?  He showed me how he felt about me back then.  I don’t need another reminder.”

“A reminder of what, Justin?”

“That nothing I did was good enough.  That I wasn’t enough.  Why rehash that?  He’s back to being the Stud, which is all he ever wanted.”

“Justin… Brian’s changed.”

“So, everyone keeps telling me.”

“You can’t see it?”

“I can see it; it’s good that he’s addressing how his parents raised him.  If he’s able to address his fears, it’ll make things easier on Gus when he gets older.”

“What do you mean?”

“Brian’s biggest problem was that he was so scared of failing at being a parent, at the thought of opening himself up to love Gus, that he gave up before he even tried.  It doesn’t take much to make a kid happy, Alex; it isn’t about the latest designer clothes, or the best toys on the market.  Kids just want to be loved; they just want to be wanted.”

“Do you think that Gus is the reason why Brian is in therapy?”

“Probably.”

“Oh, Justin.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Justin, we’ve been speaking daily for a couple of weeks now.  Can I ask how you think you are doing?”

“I’m getting better.”

“Yes, you are.  You’re continuing to gain back the weight that you lost.  You look a lot healthier than you did.”

“But?”

“How do you think you are seeing things?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know yourself that your illness blinded you to a lot of things, that it made you see things differently.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think you are seeing things more clearly now?”

“Yes.”

“….”

“Alex?”

“I think that you are still partially blinded.”

“…”

“Justin?”

“I’m getting better, Alex.”

“I know you are.”

“So, why would you say that to me?”

“Let me ask you this, Justin; do you think that the family still only sees you as the boy that Brian was fucking?  Do you think that is why they are falling over themselves to be a part of your recovery?  Or do you think they are doing that, because they love you?”

“…”

“Do you think that Brian is in therapy because of Gus?  Or do you think he is in therapy so that he can try and learn how to handle his own life in a healthier manner?”

“…”

“Do you think that Brian only ever saw you as a convenient fuck?  Or do you think that he cared about you?  That he still cares about you… that he is trying to fix his own life, so that he can be a part of your life?”

“…”

“Justin?”

“I… I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Justin…”

“No!  I can’t go back, Alex… I can’t go back to being… I just can’t.”

“To being what, Justin?”

“…”

“Justin… what can’t you go back to being with Brian?”

“His fuck boy.”

“Is that what you think you were to Brian?”

“…”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Brian, thanks for calling me back.”

“What’s this about, Alex?”

“I’m straddling a very careful line here, Brian, so, don’t ask me to divulge anything outside of what I am going to ask you, all right?”

“Okay...”

“How are things going between you and Justin?”

“Good.  I leave him alone at work, because Gardner said that I was to have nothing to do with Justin’s internship.  But I try to meet up with him at lunch time in the courtyard.  I’ve taken him out to dinner a couple of times, and we spend Sunday together with Gus.  We go to the museum, or shopping… we spend time together.  He’s more comfortable being around me now.”

“Dinner…dates?”

“…yeah…”

“Does Justin know they’re dates?”

“I’m trying not to push him.”

“That’s not what I’m asking, Brian.  I’m asking if Justin knows that you are taking him out on dates?”

“What do you mean?”

“How do you ask him?”

“I just say that there’s a new place that I want to check out, and does he want to come.”

“Okay...okay.”

“Alex?”

“Brian, I’m going to offer you some advice; the next time you ask Justin to check out a new place, say it like this; ‘Justin, can I take you out for dinner?’  Can you do that?”

“Has he said something?”

“Brian… can you just… ask him like that?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Thank you.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“How was your day, Justin?”

“…”

“Justin?”

“…I can’t stay long tonight, Alex.”

“How come?”

“I’m going to Boytoy.”

“Oh?  I thought you went last night with Tommy.”

“…”

“Justin… are you planning on tricking tonight?”

“…”

“What happened, Justin?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you, remember… I know how you use tricking.”

“It’s just fucking, Alex.”

“It is, if it’s you doing the fucking.”

“So, I’m horny…what of it?”

“Then jerk off.  But don’t do this to yourself, Justin.”

“Do what?”

“Hurt yourself.”

“I’m not…”

“…you are!  Now what happened?”

“…”

“Justin!”

“…Brian asked me out to dinner.”

“You said that you’d been out to dinner several times with him.”

“It was how he asked.”

“Oh?”

“He made it sound… like a date.”

“What did you say?”

“I didn’t… I changed the subject.”

“Why?”

“Because Brian doesn’t date.  He’d probably fuck the waiter to hammer that point home.”

“How do you know?  Maybe he was just wanting to check out a new place with you?”

“I can’t go down that path with him, Alex… I’m not strong enough.”

“What do you mean?”

“I…”

“Justin… talk to me.  Just this once, tell me.”

“I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“I can’t be what he wants.”

“Which is what?”

“His fuck buddy.”

“How do you know that that is what he wants?”

“Because that is all he ever wanted from me.”

“And now?”

“I know he wants to fuck me, Alex.  He can’t hide it.”

“How does he show you?”

“It’s in the way he looks at me; at the way he looks at my body.”

“Explain…”

“He, uh, when he looks at me, I can see him mentally undressing me.  When he looks at me, it feels like he’s touching me.  I can see it in his eyes; he’s never hidden how much he wants to fuck me.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Sad.”

“Why sad?”

“When I was still living with him, he only had to look at me, and I would drop to my knees.  But as our… as we… as it was ending, when he started tricking all the time, I couldn’t handle seeing the look on his face.  I started facing away from him when he wanted to fuck me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve told you before; he would bring tricks back to the loft, and fuck them on my side of the bed.  If I wasn’t walking in on him fucking some guy, I was finding the wet cum stains on the sheets.  And it hurt, Alex.  It really fucking hurt.  He’d want to fuck me… and I’d smell the scent of some other guy on his body, and…  it was a message to me.  This isn’t your home.  You just stay here.  You aren’t enough to keep me satisfied.  You aren’t enough to make me happy.”

“Oh, Justin, I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that.”

“No?  Have you ever been bent over, Alex, and had your… whatever the fuck he was, shove his cock up your ass with barely a kiss to the back of your neck?  He treated me like a trick, Alex.  The closer we got to ending, the worse it got.  No prep… no kissing or touching.  Just a fuck.  This coming from the man who spent an hour rimming me the night that he took my virginity. 

“Who spent ages with his fingers in my ass; as high as he was, he tried to make sure that I was ready, that he wouldn’t hurt me any more than he did.  He told me that he wanted me to always remember it, so that no matter who I was with, he would always be there.  Like this ghostly fucking specter… he might not remember that night, Alex, but I do.  And to go from that, to what we were?  It hurts, okay?  It really fucking hurts.”

“You need to tell him these things, Justin.  You need to make him understand.”

 “Why?  I’ve already told you; I can’t go back.  I won’t.”

“I know you can’t go back, Justin, but have you thought about the fact that maybe you can go forward?”

“…”

“Okay… we’re bringing Brian into your next session.”

“No.”

“Yes.  Do you want to get better, Justin?  Do you want to move forward, and leave all the pain behind?”

“You know that I do.”

“Then this is a part of that.  You must purge what you are hiding so that you can move forward.  If that means telling Brian how he made you feel, then that is what you do.  If the relationship between you and Brian is done, then you need to let go of all of the pain that you are still carrying.”

“I can’t, Alex.  I can’t let him in.  Don’t ask me to do that.”

“You have to.”

“No, I fucking don’t!”

“Why won’t you let him in, Justin?”

“Because he hurt me!  Because he betrayed me!  Because I was stupid enough to give him that power!  But lesson learned.  I won’t ever let him have that power over me again.  He won’t get the chance to humiliate me ever again, because I won’t give him the power to do so.  I might still love him, Alex, but I won’t let him back in.  I gave him everything.  And it still wasn’t enough.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Justin.”

“Fuck you, Alex.  Fuck you.”