28.
Fighting against the urge to curse, Brian clenched his hand as he glanced at the clock on the wall. Glancing across the room, he watched as Alex smoothed his hand absently down his thigh, and he wondered briefly if the man was as calm as he outwardly appeared. Glancing at the clock again, Brian bit the inside of his lip and then sighed. Justin was late, and while it was only by a minute or two, it said a lot about how his former lover was feeling regarding the therapy session that Alex had demanded that Justin partake in.
Four weeks had slipped by since Justin had discharged himself from the unit. Four weeks during which the weather had finally warmed as Brian slowly integrated himself back into Justin’s life. Four weeks of cautiously-worded conversations, and carefully thought-out encounters where he tried his best to show Justin that he could trust him. Four weeks of thinking that he was making headway with the boy, only to have Alex reveal that he wasn’t getting anywhere.
That thought had been made reality after Alex had called him to ask how he and Justin had been getting along. In Brian’s mind, they had been getting along great; he had grown some balls, and had asked Justin out to dinner a couple of times. He’d kept it casual; a new Thai restaurant they had never tried before, or that new Indian place that had opened a few months earlier. Casual settings and light conversation as he had slowly learned that, God help him, ‘dating’ didn’t necessarily mean what he had once thought. And while it grated, he hadn’t said anything when Justin had insisted on paying half the bill at the end of the night.
Then there had been the Sundays that he had shared with his two boys. The first Sunday had come after Mel had called him to let him know that Justin had taken Gus overnight. He had shown up at Justin’s apartment on that Sunday morning at nine a.m.; Daphne had let him, and with a slightly unreadable look on her face, she had informed him that Justin and Gus were in the shower and he’d have to wait. The ten minutes that he had spent waiting were flush with memories of slick, soapy skin and the sound of Justin begging for more in hushed tones; those memories seemed like a century ago.
Those thoughts had collided with reality when Justin’s laughter proceeded his voice down the hall after Gus had escaped the bathroom. His son had come running down the corridor wearing soap bubbles and a smile; upon seeing his father, Gus had launched himself at Brian, who had caught his slippery boy and swung him up into his arms. And when Justin skidded into the room a second later with a towel wrapped low around his waist, Brian had been helpless to stop the erection that had thickened his cock.
Justin’s hair had been drenched, sending water down over the pale skin of his chest; those long, golden strands had clung to his forehead, and the smile that lit up his face caused Brian to inhale sharply. Dripping wet, and smelling of soap, it had been an echo of the past as his Sunshine grinned openly at Gus as he reached for him, the laughter in his eyes warming something inside Brian that had been cold for far too long as Justin gently scolded Gus for his daring escape from the shower.
He had been forced to fight back the envy that had crept along his spine, however, when Gus buried his hands in the long hair at the back of Justin’s head and he pressed sloppy kisses to Justin’s laughing mouth. But he had gone to Justin willingly; his son’s giggles had echoed with Justin’s voice as they disappeared back down the corridor, and ten minutes later Brian had knelt on the floor in Justin’s room and dried off his son. Justin had taken his clothes into the bathroom and had firmly closed the door; but kneeling in his room, surrounded by the scent of his lover, Brian had had to fight for composure.
It was the sight of Justin’s bed that had caused the myriad of emotions that had engulfed him; a blue pillow wedged against the wall, and a gray pillow lying perpendicular to it. It was knowing that his son had slept safely in Justin’s arms, while they had shared that single pillow. It was the sight of the pajama bottoms his son had worn to bed, lying tangled on the floor with the thin, gray pants he could remember Justin favoring. He knew from personal experience that on the rare occasions when Gus had slept at the loft, he had insisted on dressing the way that Brian himself did – sleep pants and a bare chest – and by the looks of it, he had maintained that same tradition with Justin.
It was knowing that his son loved Justin as much as Justin loved Gus. It was in remembering Jennifer telling him that Justin had sworn that any children that he had would know how much they were loved. Justin had never hidden how much he loved Brian’s son; he practically glowed with it. And knowing that Justin had lost Gus when he had distanced himself from the family brought a fresh wave of pain crashing down on Brian as he heard Gus’s steady stream of babble frequently dotted with the clearly-spoken word ‘Jussin’. Miscommunication, jealousy, and lies had deeply wounded Justin, but the loss of the child he had been helping to raise? That had added another layer of pain to a festering wound.
As he helped Gus into his clothes, Brian had thought back over the phone call with Lindsay after she had taken Gus to see Justin at PIFA. Lindsay hadn’t minced words, nor had she been able to fight back her own tears when she had mentioned Justin’s heart-breaking reaction to seeing Gus, and how happy Gus had been to see Justin again. When Justin walked out of the bathroom and caught sight of Gus, the smile that had crossed his face had Brian silently promising himself that no matter what happened, Justin would always be a part of Gus’s life.
That first Sunday had turned into a weekly date; playing at the park, and taking his beautiful boys out for lunch. Shopping trips, or visiting the museum and art galleries before they took Gus home. Moments where Gus napped in Justin’s arms, and Brian enjoyed the open love that showed on Justin’s face as his blond stared down at the sleeping toddler. And while Justin refused to set foot inside Lindsay and Mel’s home, he would still kiss and cuddle Gus goodbye before Brian took him to the door.
The time they had spent together had been priceless. But when Alex called, Brian had been left with his heart sinking into his stomach. Alex was more than worried; in a faint voice, he confessed to Brian that Justin was slowly beginning to backslide. He refused to reveal what he and Justin had spoken about, but Alex’s frustration had been more than apparent when he asked Brian how he had invited Justin out for dinner. It was only then that Brian had realized that Justin had been interpreting the outings as just an encounter with a friend.
He had done what Alex had asked, though – the next time he had asked Justin out to dinner, he had posed the question as a date. And Justin had lost all the color in his face before he stammered out a feeble excuse and then bolted. That was the only thing that Brian could call it – he had watched Justin regain his courage and his internal strength over the last few months, but faced with that simple question, those hard-fought for emotions had deserted him.
And now this; Brian knew that Justin didn’t want this therapy session. Alex hadn’t had to tell Brian that Justin was resistant to the idea. His boy had shown him that when he had scowled at Brian two days ago before walking away in an indignant huff; all hunched shoulders and twitching hips, Justin’s displeasure had been more than apparent as he glared at Brian from across the room while Brian discussed his latest campaign boards with Murphy.
A voicemail from Alex had cleared up the bewilderment that Brian had felt when faced with Justin’s anger. And while he knew that Justin was feeling backed into a corner, at the same time he only felt relief. He had been trying to get Justin to talk to him for weeks, but the wall that stood between them had remained solid. Strong. Impenetrable. And while he could see his boy, he still very much on the outside.
Although he sympathized with how Justin felt, if this therapy session gave him the first key to the locks on Justin’s door, then Brian was going to sing like a fucking canary. Alex had reminded him that honesty went both ways; that he had told Justin that this therapy session would be about answering one or two questions. Alex hadn’t been able to impress strongly enough upon Brian that he had to think very carefully, not only about the questions he wanted to ask Justin, but about the answers he had better be prepared to give.
That had given Brian a moment of pure panic; wild thoughts had run through his mind as he tried to work out what Justin could possibly ask him. Not knowing, not being able to control the outcome, had scared the utter shit out of him. But the driving need to know was stronger than his fear. The questions he had been asking himself for the past four months had kept him awake some nights. He needed answers; if being honest with Justin gave him those answers, then honest he would be.
Justin had proceeded to avoid Brian after that voicemail; instead of eating lunch in the courtyard like he normally did, Justin had taken to eating at his desk, with ‘fuck off’ clearly broadcast in the stiffness of his shoulders. It had left Brian torn between wanting to pull Justin into an empty room where he could kiss the sulky pout from Justin’s mouth, or putting him across his knee and spanking that delectable ass for being so fucking stubborn.
A knock on the door dragged Brian out of his thoughts, and he looked up as Alex’s receptionist Peg opened the door to reveal his unhappy blond; there was no doubt in Brian’s mind that the sunshine was hiding behind thunder clouds today. Justin walked into Alex’s office without comment, and after openly glaring at Alex, he glanced at the couch where Brian sat before he crossed the room and leaned against the wall so that he could look out the window.
Brian licked his lips as he stared at the tension in Justin’s shoulders before he looked towards Alex, who was biting his lip as he gazed at Justin. While the weather had warmed, the ice that Justin had encased his heart in was still frozen solid. And as Justin crossed his arms and cocked his hip, Brian shivered. The icy anger coming from his beautiful boy was arctic in its intensity, and it showed Brian that he would no doubt bear witness to a major queen out, the like of which he had never seen before.
“Justin.”
Alex’s voice was calm when he spoke, but he still balked when Justin looked over his shoulder. Brian flinched himself; he knew the look that graced those pretty features. He could almost hear the rasp of the blade on the metaphorical wet stone, and he held his hands up in a placating manner before Alex could speak. And when Justin shifted the glare he had aimed at Alex towards Brian, he swallowed hard before he spoke.
“I know you don’t want to do this, Justin.” A blond brow arched mockingly, and Brian licked his lips before he spoke again. “I didn’t want to do it this way, either. But I didn’t study psychology at college; if Alex says that this will help you, then I’m going to have to trust that he knows what he’s talking about.”
Justin snorted softly before he turned his attention back to the view outside the window. Brian sighed as he scratched his eyebrow, and when Alex gestured towards him slightly to keep going, Brian took a deep breath and spoke firmly.
“Justin. What do you want to know?”
A jerk of those slim shoulders, and Brian licked his lips before he rose to his feet and crossed the room. Standing behind Justin, feeling the warmth of that slender body so close to his own, Brian closed his hands over Justin’s shoulders and tried to ignore the tension he could feel.
“Okay, then; I’ll start. What part did you play in Kip dropping his law suit?”
Justin squirmed uncomfortably under Brian’s grip, and as Brian watched his reflection in the window, he could see the surprise that widened Justin’s eyes before his face smoothed out. Maintaining eye contact with him via the window, Brian rubbed his hands briefly across Justin’s shoulders before he squeezed them gently.
“When we spoke the night that I saw you in Alex’s office, you said that you had lied to me before. I asked you what else you had lied about, and you said that it was a mystery. I remembered you saying that same thing the night before your eighteenth birthday when we were talking about Kip dropping the law suit; you told me that I was lucky that you weren’t turning eighteen until the following day. I know you had something to do with it, Justin… the only thing I don’t know is how and why?”
Justin bit his lip as he shook his head, and Brian’s hands tightened around his shoulders briefly as Justin raised his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. It was only when Alex cleared his throat and murmured Justin’s name that he sighed. That soft exhale of air shook his whole body slightly, and Justin closed his eyes briefly before he spoke.
“The how was easy; I picked him up. I let him take me home. I let him think that he was going to fuck me. I let him suck my cock. And then I told him I was only seventeen. I said my dad would freak out if he knew I was there; he asked me how my dad would find out, and I said there was no way he would… unless I told him. He asked me if I would do that and I assured him that I wouldn’t… provided that he did something for me.”
Brian’s whole body jerked at the softly spoken confession, and Justin lowered his chin so that a curtain of pale hair slid down across his cheek, hiding him from sight. Anger warred with admiration – the two emotions clashing – as Brian spun Justin around to face him. Brian shook his head and spoke hoarsely as he reached up to cup Justin’s face briefly in his hands and stared down into the eyes he knew so well.
“Do you have any idea what he could have done to you?” he managed to say as Justin peered up at him. “Any idea at all? Did anyone else know what you were planning?” he asked, and when Justin gave a tiny shake of his head Brian groaned before he pressed his forehead against Justin’s and closed his eyes.
“Why?” he whispered, and when Justin shook his head again, Brian opened his eyes to look down at Justin. “Why?” he repeated, and Justin sighed.
“It doesn’t matter now, Brian,” he said quietly. “He dropped the suit. All’s well that ends well, right?”
“WRONG!”
It exploded out of Brian, and Justin jumped under Brian’s hands as his eyes widened in shock. Brian’s hands clamped down on Justin’s shoulders, and he shook him slightly as he stared down at him.
“He could have done anything to you, Justin! He could have raped you, or bashed you, or fucking killed you, and I would never have known why!” he hissed. “Why did you do it?” and Justin’s face twisted slightly before he planted both hands against Brian’s chest and he shoved him backwards.
“Because you would have lost everything!” he shouted; his breath came out in sharp little pants as Brian stared at him in disbelief. “You would have lost your job, and your home, and the ability to provide for Gus! And for what?” he asked in bewilderment with a jerk of his hand. “Some pathetic jerk that you just had to fuck? Michael wasn’t willing to do anything to help you, so, I did what I had to do to make sure you didn’t lose everything you had worked so hard for!”
Brian’s jaw dropped, and he stepped back into Justin’s personal space as he clamped his hands around Justin’s forearms.
“And if he’d hurt you, Justin? I would have lost everything anyway,” he hissed, pushing Justin lightly away from himself as he shoved his hands through his hair in frustration.
Heading back to the couch, Brian sank into the soft cushions and silently stared at the floor. But then he looked up again as a stray thought ran through his mind and it spilled out of his mouth before he could stop it.
“Did he fuck you?”
Justin slowly looked over at Brian, and they locked eyes. And when he finally shook his head, Brian let out a shuddering breath.
“Would you have let him fuck you?” he whispered, and Justin shrugged. “Would you have?” Brian asked again, and Justin finally sighed.
“What do you want me to say, Brian?” he asked softly. “I would have done anything to help you. So, yes, I would have let him fuck me if that was what it took for him to drop the suit against you.”
Brian closed his eyes as his breath escaped with a pained exhale. He’d known that Justin had loved him, but to learn just how deeply that devotion had once gone was still a kick to his guts. None of his friends had offered to help him back then; they’d all snickered behind his back, and laughed over the fact that he’d royally fucked himself. But not his boy; his seventeen-year-old lover had pulled his ass out of the fire, and had done so without a single word. He hadn’t sought out thanks or recognition; Brian had repaid that devotion by testing him – and those stupid tests had all but destroyed that brave young man.
Opening his eyes, Brian finally looked across the room at Justin. His head was bowed, and as Brian took in the stiffness of Justin’s shoulders shame coated his tongue as he realized that Justin was waiting for him to tear him down like he had done so many times before in the past. Rising slowly to his feet, Brian closed the distance between them and closed his hands gently over Justin’s shoulders. Lowering his head to rest his chin against that soft golden hair, he let out a gush of air, and then spoke quietly as he stared at Justin’s reflection.
“While I wish you hadn’t potentially put yourself in danger like that… thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for trying to help me; for saving my ass when no one else would.”
Justin’s whole body jerked, and his shocked eyes flicked up to meet Brian’s reflection. Holding his gaze, Brian let his mouth twitch up into a crooked smile as Justin looked at him suspiciously before he finally nodded and dropped his gaze again. But when his lips parted slightly before compressing into a firm line, Brian tightened his hands slightly as he waited for Justin to speak. But then Justin shook his head, and Brian sighed softly.
“Do you want to ask me anything?” he asked quietly, and Justin shook his head again.
“How are you meant to get better, Justin, if you won’t talk to me?” he asked gently, and Justin’s shoulders slumped as his face twisted slightly.
Those bright blue eyes finally drifted up to meet his, and Justin’s tongue peeked out as he moistened the corner of his mouth. The need to hide, to pull away from the storm of emotion he could see building in Justin’s wary gaze, was strong; he knew Justin was working himself up to something, and when he finally looked up Brian mentally braced himself.
“Why did you lie to me?”
The look that crossed Justin’s face told Brian that Justin had immediately regretted asking the softly raised question; there was no doubt in his mind as to what lie Justin meant. It had been one of the things that Brian had thought about when Alex had warned him to be honest, and he licked his own lips before he spoke calmly.
“Because I’d left you there on your own. I blamed myself for what he did you to you. I told myself it was easier to watch over you than face seeing the condemnation in your eyes. But by the time you had been discharged, and you told me that you had never blamed me, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that I had been there all along. It would have meant admitting that I was wrong. That what I had done was wrong. That my eighteen-year-old lover was stronger than I was; that he was more of a man than I would ever be.”
Justin shook his head slightly as he lowered his eyes; his eyebrows twitched as he frowned, and when he swallowed convulsively, Brian closed the distance between them and slowly slid his arms around Justin’s chest.
“Is it because of what I looked like?” Justin mumbled as Brian drew him back against his body, and Brian shook his head before he rested his chin on the crown of Justin’s head.
“No. It was never about that, Justin,” he whispered. “I was punishing myself. While you were in the hospital, I told myself that if I hadn’t gone to your prom, then Hobbs would have left you alone. But then you told me that he would have kept swinging if you’d been alone. I’d never thought about it like that. I’d never allowed myself to look back on that night. But you were right; I needed to hear you say that you’d never blamed me. But that didn’t mean I stopped blaming myself.”
“It still doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell me, Brian,” Justin said softly. Brian sighed as the blond pushed against his hold until he reluctantly let Justin slip out of his arms.
“Punishment, Justin,” he said finally as Justin turned to face him with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. “That was my self-administered penance. Because when I looked at you, there were times where you couldn’t hide the disappointment you felt when you thought I wasn’t looking. That was my atonement. I would rather have let you think that I let you down than admit that I had been too much of a coward to face you when you needed me the most.
“But then you tracked me down at Woody’s. And for the first time in my life, I had to put someone else’s needs before my own. I had to help you regain the confidence that Hobbs had taken away from you. I had to get you strong… I had to keep you safe. And every time you woke up from a nightmare… whenever you flinched away from my touch… that was my punishment, Justin.”
Justin’s eyebrows drew together as he stared at Brian before he shook his head again.
“That doesn’t make sense, Brian. I know you’re a masochist, but even you wouldn’t go that far. What aren’t you telling me?”
Brian’s lips parted slightly, and an unsteady breath escaped as Justin looked at him expectantly. Reminding himself that he’d promised to be honest, Brian scrunched up his nose and dropped his eyes as he forced the words out of his mouth.
“Do you remember what I said when you asked me to prom?”
Justin nodded slightly, and Brian let out another shuddering breath.
“I tried scarfing the night of Michael and David’s going away party,” he said in a faint voice as he ignored Alex’s sharp intake of breath. “Michael found me. He pulled me down, and he gave me the mental smack to the back of the head that I needed. He said I was always going to be young and beautiful. But his reassurance wasn’t enough. I needed to reclaim…”
“…your lost youth.”
Brian nodded as Justin stared at him. A faint smile crossed his face when Justin blinked in surprise, and he nodded.
“Yeah… that’s what I said to you when I found you. Do you remember anything else?”
Justin shook his head, and Brian nodded slowly as Justin looked back at him.
“Why did you come to my prom?” he finally asked, and Brian shuddered slightly before he spoke.
“Because I’d made a choice. And that choice got you hurt.”
Justin sighed as he stared at Brian with exasperation on his face.
“Hobbs bashing me was preplanned, Brian,” he said firmly. “The guy played football. Not baseball. So, for him to have the bat in his car meant that he had planned out the attack. You being there wasn’t what tipped him over the edge.”
“I know that now, Justin,” Brian said quietly. “But at the time…”
“So, you made the choice to come to my prom,” Justin said as he looked down at the floor, and Brian glanced at Alex, who rolled his eyes and mouthed ‘grow some balls!’ at him.
“No, Justin.” Brian cleared his throat when his voice came out in a croak. “I’d made the decision that I wanted…”
His voice trailed off when Justin raised his head, and for a moment, they stared at each other. Looking at the boy, knowing that Justin had been hurt by his decisions in the past, Brian blew out an unsteady breath before continuing.
“I wanted a future with you. That’s why I came to your prom. I wanted to show you that… and you knew. You knew that I was choosing you, that I was acknowledging that I had feelings for you.”
Justin’s eyebrows drew together as his lips parted, and Brian swallowed again as an unmistakable look of hurt flooded Justin’s eyes. But then his face smoothed over, and he straightened his spine.
“You knew I didn’t remember any of that,” he said. “So… what? You changed your mind when you realized that I wasn’t the same? That I was damaged?”
“No,” Brian said firmly, even as ‘what the fuck?’ flittered through his head. “I changed my mind when I realized that being with me would only continue to hurt you.”
Justin’s face twisted with pain, and his voice was cold when he spoke. “Being with you didn’t hurt me, Brian. You hurt me.”
Brian flinched, and Justin looked over at Alex who was sitting there with his mouth open.
“Are we done?” he asked coldly, and Brian scrambled to his feet.
“No, we aren’t,” he said, and when Justin looked at him, Brian flinched again.
“Yeah, Brian. We are.”
Brian wanted to recoil, even as he reached for Justin’s hand. He knew that Justin meant more than just the therapy session, and that if he let the blond walk out the door, they really would be over with. Grasping Justin’s hand between both of his, Brian shook his head.
“No. I’m not done talking, Justin.”
“Yeah? Well I’m done listening, Brian. I’m done with having you make decisions and choices for me,” he said flatly as he tried to step around him. “Because the last time I checked, I didn’t have strings attached to my body that you controlled, Puppet Master.”
“Punishment, Justin,” Brian blurted out as he desperately stepped into Justin’s path again. “Knowing that you had acknowledged that we had a future together and then couldn’t remember the best night of our lives… that was my punishment. You said that I hurt you. I know I did. But living with the knowledge that you knew I cared about you but couldn’t remember… that hurt me. You have the ability to tear me apart, Justin. You have torn me apart. And I was too scared to give you back that power. That’s why I didn’t tell you that I had been there. Because I barely survived what Hobbs did to you… I couldn’t face the thought of letting you in the way I’d wanted to, only to then lose you.”
Justin stopped still as Brian panted, and his eyes slowly lifted to meet Brian’s. Reaching out, Brian cupped his face in his hands and shook his head as Justin continued to look up at him.
“I know you can’t remember that night… but Jesus, Justin, surely you know how I… how I feel about you.”
Confusion flittered over Justin’s face, and Brian shook his head slightly.
“I want you safe…” Brian said finally. “I want you safe, and I want you around for a long time. Remember?”
Justin’s eyebrows drew together, and his lips formed silent words as he stared up at Brian. He shook his head slightly, and Brian bit his lower lip before he gently pulled Justin over to the couch and pressed him down into the soft cushions.
“You’ve always been braver than me,” Brian whispered as he squeezed Justin’s hands. “Can’t you work with me here? Talk to me.”
Justin slowly withdrew his hands from Brian’s, and then tucked them under his arms; his actions spoke louder than anything he could have said, and Brian nodded in understanding as Justin stared at him stonily.
“Alex said I had to answer two questions,” he said finally. “What’s the second one?”
Brian carefully pushed the feelings of relief that wanted to flood him aside; he knew he wasn’t out of the shit with Justin just yet. His whole demeanor shouted, ‘fuck you!’ to Brian, and he shifted his weight slightly before he spoke.
“Why didn’t you tell me what Gary Saperstein tried to do to you?”
The little color that Justin had in his face slowly bled away as he raised his eyes to look at Brian. His lips parted, but nothing came out as he wordlessly shook his head, and Brian took a deep breath as he slowly reached out and tugged Justin’s hands free. Holding them firmly in his own, he gave them a squeeze.
“Did you think I’d say you deserved it or I told you so?” he asked. “That I wouldn’t stand by you?”
Justin shrugged, and Brian had to bite the inside of his mouth to stop the moan that wanted to crawl out of his throat.
“What happened?” he asked, and when Justin refused to look at him, Brian gave his hands another squeeze. “How am I meant to support you when you don’t tell me these things?” he asked, and Justin shook his head again.
“I’ll tell you what I know; stop me if I get anything wrong,” Brian said finally when Justin maintained his fascination with the floor. “You went to a private party at his house. You were nervous, because you got a funny vibe from the asshole. You were told that you were decoration; to take your shirt off and to loosen up. Have some fun. You did some coke. A single line.”
Justin’s startled gaze jerked up to meet Brian’s, and Brian squeezed his hands again as Justin finally kept his eyes on his.
“The coke made you a little jittery, and the joint that the Sap shared with you made you thirsty. The glass of water that he got for you was laced with GHB. After that, you could barely stand up; the Sap offered to show you around the house - he took you into a room where there were men waiting… they were waiting for you.
“There were two swings in the room… sex swings. One of the other dancers were already being raped in one. He was unconscious, already a victim to what the Sap had put in his drink. The Sap asked you if you had ever been in a swing; that they were fun. You said no, that you didn’t want to. You kept repeating that, even as the men in the room came over and started to touch you.
“The Sap tried convincing you; someone held a vial of something up under your nose, and you almost passed out. And while you were trying to clear your head, while you kept repeating the word no, the Sap was trying to undress you, so he could get you into the swing. He kept telling you that it would be fun, that you were a party favor. One of the guys in the room said that he wanted to try out Kinney’s private stock, that he wanted to see what all the fuss was about, and why I guarded your ass like it was the crown jewels.
“The only reason you weren’t raped that night is because when the Sap dropped to his knees to unbutton your pants, you kneed him in the mouth as hard as you could. You fled the party after that; you got lost and were shit scared that he would find you and pull you back to the party. So, you kept running. You called Daph and she took you to an after-hours clinic, where you had to be rehydrated because of the GHB in your system.
“She took you home after that, and you spent the remainder of the night talking; talking about the fact that I held your POA, but it was really hard to get ahold of me when I was away on business. You made the decision to change your POA over to Daphne that night. And when I came home later that morning, you told me that you would accept the help I had offered you for school, but with certain conditions.”
Brian fell silent for a minute as he recalled what else had happened that morning. He knew Justin was thinking about the same thing when Justin’s eyes darted up to meet his. A small smile played across his lips when Justin flushed, and he tucked his tongue into the side of his mouth as Justin shook his head.
“You saw Mel a few days later. You made an appointment with her, you paid cash, and you bought her silence. You weren’t going to tell anyone what had happened to you. But then Emmett asked you about it, because he knew the other dancer. You only told Emmett what had happened after he got you drunk. But you didn’t tell me… is it because you didn’t trust me?” he asked softly, and Justin shook his head. “Then why?”
Justin crossed his arms and shook his head again as Brian watched him. Inching closer, Brian reached out to squeeze Justin’s knee, and when Justin’s gaze met his before darting away, Brian tightened his grip again.
“Talk to me,” he implored softly. “Stop shutting me out, Justin… why didn’t you tell me?”
Justin chewed on the corner of his lips for a minute before he straightened his shoulders and met Brian’s steady gaze.
“Because I didn’t think you’d care,” he said finally, and Brian winced even as Justin’s words tugged at a memory.
“Why would you think that?” Brian whispered, and Justin shrugged as he lowered his eyes.
“You didn’t care about anything else I did,” he said in a low tone. “You didn’t care that I was shaking my ass on the bar. You didn’t care if you walked in on me fucking someone else. You didn’t care if I was there… Babylon was your playground, and there was no way you would have given that up for me, Brian.”
“How do you know?” Brian managed, and Justin laughed softly. Bitterly. And when he raised his gaze to meet Brian’s, the intensity in them made Brian squirm.
“Because I had asked you numerous times if we could stay in for the night, and you always said no,” Justin said, and when he went to stand up, Brian grabbed his hand and pulled him back down onto the couch.
“Justin,” he began, only to have Justin let out a harsh sound as he reached the end of his tether, and he pinned Brian in place with his eyes as he finally did what Brian wanted and spoke honestly.
“Babylon was more important to you than anything that I might have wanted. Getting your dick sucked was more important. Fucking some loose-assed trick was more important. Michael, and Woody’s, and your fucking duvet were more important than I was, Brian! So, why would I tell you what the Sap had tried to do, when you’d made it more than clear to me where I fell on the list of importance in your life?”
Brian’s lips parted, but nothing came out; every wheezing breath he managed to take hurt, and as Alex’s voice whispered through his mind from when this had all started, Brian could only shudder.
“Are you ready to sit down in his therapy sessions and listen to him tear himself apart? Are you prepared to hear what being your partner has reduced him to?”
“That’s not true, Justin,” Brian exclaimed softly, and Justin snorted.
“Don’t lie to me, Brian, and don’t lie to yourself. As I said to Alex the other day, I know you. I know exactly what I was to you.”
“And what do you think you were?” Brian managed, holding his breath as he waited for a reply.
“The fuck that you settled for when there was no one better around,” Justin said flatly as he rose to his feet, and Brian closed his eyes as heartache stole his ability to speak.
It had been one thing knowing that Justin’s thoughts had taken a dark, twisted path. But to hear what his former lover had reduced himself to was more than he could bear. Forcing his eyes back open a mere second later, he watched as Justin drifted back to the window; his shoulders were rounded, and Brain saw a shudder roll down his spine as Justin stared out across the parking lot. Nausea caused his stomach to lurch, but Brian still rose to his feet and crossed the room to stand behind him. Pushing the blond’s name out, he caught Justin’s gaze in the window, and then spoke.
“You… you could have asked me, Justin.”
Blond eyebrows rose in response, and Brian stepped closer to him as Justin’s mouth twisted slightly.
“Really?” he asked as he turned to face Brian. Leaning back against the window, he crossed his arms over his chest. His jaw was clenching rhythmically as he stared at the other man, and a sardonic look crossed his face. “Let me remind you of something, Brian. The kid in the dumpster.”
Brian inhaled sharply as he remembered what Justin was talking about, and he watched as a bitter smile crossed Justin’s face.
“Do you remember what we did that night?” he asked as he tilted his chin up. “Do you remember how unsteady I was after that fuck?” he continued. “But instead of bringing me down, of making sure that I was all right after you caused me to black out, you dragged me out of bed and out to Babylon where you proceeded to pick up a trick. What was his name again? Was it Timmy? … Tommy? … or was it Tony?” he asked as he raised his hand and mockingly tapped his finger against the side of his mouth. But then his eyes frosted over, and his mouth twisted into a sneer.
“I asked you to come home with me… I fucking begged you… and you said there’s never a bad time to fuck a stranger. You left me there and went with that guy so that you could fuck him; oh, I’m sorry… to look at his stamp collection,” Justin drawled sarcastically as Brian cringed. “I had to walk home… on my own. I had to explain away the bruises on my throat to Debbie, while listening to him brag about how hard you had fucked your latest trick at the diner the following morning.
“And you say that I could have asked you… I did ask you, Brian, but it was more important to you that you got to fuck a stranger. You have the nerve to stand there and ask me why I never told you about the Sap… you have the fucking gall to say that you would have stood by me, that you would have chosen me. You never fucking chose me, Brian! You never cared about me! You fucked me! I was just a trick that stayed too long.”
Brian’s jaw dropped; he knew it had. He knew that he was standing there staring at Justin with his mouth hanging open as the young man panted in the aftermath of his outburst.
“How can you say that?” Brian finally managed to ask, and Justin tilted his head slightly.
“Because that’s how you treated me, Brian. You treated all your tricks the same; the only difference between me and the guys that you picked up was that you were forced into living with me.”
Brian shook his head and took a step closer to Justin.
“I never treated you like a trick,” he said heatedly, and Justin raised his eyebrow.
“Trawley’s Steak House.”
It was said so softly, that for a second Brian didn’t understand the meaning behind the words Justin had murmured. But the memories that cascaded through his mind seconds later left him with a bitter taste in his mouth.
“So, how was your trip?”
“Not much fun without you.”
“Why didn't you tell me you were going?”
“There were things I had to do.”
“Did you miss me?”
At the time, those words had pissed him off; he’d had the pressure of his job weighing him down, and Michael leaning on him due to Ben being in the hospital. That frustration had him pulling Justin up from his chair and pushing him up against one of the support beams. Within seconds of pulling him out of his chair, Brian had been buried balls deep. He had taken his aggravation out on the slender body he loved with punishing snaps of his hips, until all the noise in his head had vanished as he found momentary peace within the best ass he had ever had.
“I didn't think you'd care.”
But thinking back to that moment, knowing that Justin had been fully caught within depression’s claws by that stage, Brian could see why Justin now thought the way he did. Instead of reassuring him of his place in his life, he had simply jerked down the thin pants Justin had been wearing, and after rolling on a condom, pushed into his ass with no prep. He could remember the sound that Justin hadn’t been able to bite back as Brian had entered him; the boy’s diaphragm had hitched, and as his head had fallen back against Brian’s shoulder, a high-pitched moan had escaped his mouth.
That single, pained sound echoed in Brian’s head, as did Justin’s whispered plea of “Did you miss me?” Dragging his hand down over his suddenly dry mouth, Brian could only stare at the boy as Justin glanced up at the clock on the wall and then turned his gaze towards Alex.
“Are we done?” he asked again, and Brian was striding across the room and grabbing Justin before the question had even finished coming out of his mouth.
A strong tug on his arm had Justin stumbling into Brian’s body; he took advantage of that, wrapping both arms around his ex-lover and pressing his mouth firmly against the soft hair under his lips. Caught up in Brian’s arms, Justin jerked when Brian whispered his name.
“Justin, I’m sorry.”
Brian stumbled over the last word, and he tightened his arms as Justin tried to pull away from him.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated more firmly. “I should have said yes… I did miss you. I should have said that I wished I had been able to take you to Vermont like I promised you I would. I should have told you that I did care that you went without me, and that I’m sorry that you didn’t have a good time. I’m sorry that I treated you like… I didn’t mean to hurt you, Justin…”
Justin stilled, and those blue eyes glanced up at him. Looking down at him, the words tripped off Brian’s tongue as desperation kept his arms tightly cinched around Justin’s body.
“I… I got scared after you moved in… you were taking up such a huge part of my life, and I didn't know how to cope with how I… with how you made me… I freaked out, Justin. You were so open with how you felt about me, and I had never had that kind of… of love or devotion before. My tricking wasn’t about a lack of… of feelings for you. They were… I didn’t know how to trust that you wouldn’t leave, so, I pushed you away before you could… But you kept coming back, and I panicked, and when I panic…”
“You get cruel," Justin interrupted flatly. “You use tricking as a form of punishment for yourself, Brian. As I said, I know you’re a masochist, but when you tricked to punish yourself… you were also punishing ME. I was there, remember? You got off on humiliating me. But then you just didn’t give a shit if I was there or not… you told me that! I asked you if you would care if I was gone, and you said no!” Justin cried as he forcibly wrenched free of Brian’s arms.
“I lied!”
It was bellowed; Justin stumbled in his haste to put distance between them as Brian followed him across the room. But as Brian’s voice bounced off the walls, Justin froze. Reaching out, Brian cupped Justin’s face with hands that visibly shook and tilted his head slightly, so he could look into those disbelieving eyes.
“I lied,” he repeated softly. “I told Michael once that it’s not lying when they make you lie, when the only truth they can deal with is their own. That was my version of the truth, Justin. I didn’t want to care, but I did. I do. I do care that you’re gone; that you won’t let me back into your life. That you don’t trust me. I care more than you’ll ever know.”
For a moment, the only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock. Brian watched as Justin swallowed hard, and he skimmed his hand across Justin’s face and carded his fingers through that soft blond hair as Justin’s eyes filmed over. He could see that his boy was fighting back tears, and as he pulled Justin back into his arms, they spilled down over the curves of Justin’s cheeks. He bit back an apprehensive sigh when he felt Justin’s hands rise between them to press against his stomach, but it escaped in a rush of relief when Justin didn’t push him away.
“What’s going through your mind?”
He whispered it against the top of Justin’s head, and when Justin spoke, his voice was strangled with grief.
“I want to ask a question now.”
Brian nodded, and when that tear-stained face peered up at him, Brian held his breath.
“Why are you doing this to me? You’re back to being what you always wanted, Brian… why won’t you let me go?”
Brian felt his face contort slightly as Justin looked up at him, and he was unable to stop himself from brushing a kiss over Justin’s damp cheeks. With his mouth resting against Justin’s ear, Brian finally managed to push the words over his tongue.
“Because I can’t. Because… more than anything else… more than Michael, and Babylon, …I need you in my life.”
He felt Justin jerk within his arms, and when Justin dropped his head down against his shoulder, Brian had to tilt his head back as he fought the sudden, itchy warmth in his own eyes when he felt Justin’s hands flex against his stomach. But it wasn’t to push him away; for the first time since Brian had been told that Justin had tried to take his own life, he felt the warmth of Justin’s hands slowly slide across his waist.
His touch was hesitant, and Brian’s breathing hitched when Justin’s hands met at the small of his back. His hold wasn’t tight, and as Brian raised his hand to cradle the back of Justin’s skull, he felt the first tremor roll through the slim body he was holding. It was followed by a second, and he closed his eyes and lowered his head to the top of Justin’s when he felt Justin tighten his hold. There was desperation in that embrace; turning his head and skimming his mouth down towards a shell-like ear, Brian shuddered as he exhaled, but his voice didn’t shake when he spoke.
“Believe me, Justin, when I say that I need you. I need you to know it deep in your gut. Can you try? Please?”
And when Justin finally nodded, Brian closed his eyes and ignored the fact that his own tears were finally spilling down his face as he tightened his hold on his lover; he knew they weren’t out of the woods yet. That there were thoughts and doubts that still plagued Justin’s mind. That there were still questions that need answering, and half-truths and outright lies that awaited apologies. But as Justin’s hands clutched at the material of his shirt, he silently prayed that this was the start of something new.