3.

Justin sat on the stool in front of the canvas; it had been stretched and prepped and was waiting on the large trestle table that his professor had said he could use.  He found it easier to paint while the canvas was flat, rather than upright on an easel.  Glancing down at his notes, Justin tapped his pencil on his thigh; he was beginning to hate painting, and he wondered not for the first time why he was taking the class when it was computer animation that he wanted to pursue.  But then Justin scowled – Alex had said he had to be one hundred percent honest now; he took the painting class because Lindsay had convinced him to.

“Fucking Lindsay,” he mumbled.  He tossed his pencil onto the table with a flick of his wrist that he immediately regretted as pain shot across the palm of his hand and turned it into a claw.

Justin yelped and immediately tried to stretch his fingers out as the cramp rendered his hand useless.  Tears flooded his eyes and were ruthlessly blinked back as Justin pushed his thumb into the palm of his hand.  Barely able to breathe through the agony, Justin closed his eyes and willed his body to stop betraying him.  He was concentrating on not vomiting when warm hands grasped his hand and uncurled his fingers.  It was only the fact that he knew the hands touching him that kept him where he stood and didn’t send him careening across the room like a mental patient.

Opening his eyes slowly, Justin stared into Ethan’s concerned face and managed a grimace of a smile.

“I’m fucking pathetic, right?” he said flatly, and Ethan squeezed his hand gently.

“A true basket case,” Ethan said finally, and Justin felt a flood of love for the dark-haired boy in front of him when Ethan didn’t ask him if he was alright; he was getting really sick and tired of people asking him that.

“So, what are you doing here this late?” Ethan asked.  “I thought you said that you only had the studio until four today?  It’s close to seven PM, Justin.”

Justin gestured to the blank canvas helplessly, and Ethan scowled at it as if it had offended his sensibilities.

“What’s the subject?” Ethan asked as he carefully flexed Justin’s fingers one at a time, and Justin couldn’t bite back the pained squeak that escaped his lips as the cramp gave his hand one final vicious squeeze before subsiding.

Ethan shot him an apologetic look, to which Justin let his lips curve slightly in silent response before he glanced down at his notebook again.

“A painting about love,” he said finally as he tossed his notebook onto the table.  “I’m meant to paint about something that I love.”

For a long minute, Ethan stared at Justin before he drew a deep breath through his nose and stood with his shoulders back.

“You love a lot of things, Justin. You love creating art, even when it causes you to hurt like this.  You love your mom and sister.  Daph.  Sam and me.  You love to dance, and you love to walk through the park when the leaves are turning.”

Justin shrugged, and then glanced at Ethan.

“Romantic love, Ethan.  I have to paint what I believe is romance and love.”

“Oh, fuck that!” Ethan spat, and Justin snorted.  “What if you’ve never been in love?  What do you do then?” Ethan asked as Justin pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.

The silence grew thick in the room, and when Justin spoke, it was so quiet that Ethan had to lean forward to hear him.

“I have been in love, Ethan.  What the fuck do I paint though?  A line of tricks that never ends?  Doors without locks on them?  A date at the fucking baths?  What would I know about love?”

Ethan’s shoulders sagged, and he stepped closer to Justin.  Cupping Justin’s face gently, Ethan managed to smile, even as he watched Justin blink back the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks.

“Come on; we’ll go to the bar on campus, and I’ll buy you a drink.”

“A hard one?” Justin asked softly, and Ethan nodded.

“Only the best top shelf lemonade for you,” he promised, and Justin surprised the both of them when he chuckled.

Emboldened by the sound, as rusty as it had been, Ethan slipped his arms around Justin and pulled him into a gentle hug.  He felt Justin’s head come to rest on his shoulder and ran his hand down over the silky blond hair on the back of Justin’s head as Justin returned the embrace.

“Ethan?”

Ethan rested the side of his head against Justin’s and hummed quietly. 

“I’m glad you’re my friend.”

It was whispered, and Ethan had to clear his throat before he stepped back from Justin when Justin dropped his arms and gently pushed him away.

“Come on, Justin; let’s go and get drunk on the best carbonated water a poor college student can buy.”

Justin let his lips curve again, and after storing his canvas, he grabbed his bag and followed Ethan out of the studio into the cold night.  The trip to the bar on campus was a ten-minute walk, and as they exited the building, Ethan slipped his arm around Justin’s shoulders.  They huddled together as they walked; the temperature had dropped, and by the time they reached the bar, they were both shivering, even through the thickness of their coats.  Ethan left Justin to find them a table, while he went to order their drinks. 

The bar was busy, and when Ethan turned back to find the blond, it took him a moment to locate Justin sitting in the darker part of the bar, deliberately ignoring several guys who were openly cruising him.  But as Ethan neared the table Justin had grabbed, one of the guys cruising Justin broke away from his group of friends and sat down in the empty chair beside Justin.

“Hi…” he began, only to have Justin turn tired eyes towards him.

“I’m Ri…”

“And I’m not interested,” Justin interrupted, but when the trick trailed his fingertips down Justin’s arm, Justin recoiled.

“I said no, now fuck off!” Justin said firmly, and then glanced up as Ethan set the two glasses of lemonade down onto the table.

“Not just a pretty face, are you?  Got yourself a set of big, brass balls, too, haven’t you?” the man asked, and Justin snorted.

“Yep.  I’ve also got a pretty big cock.  And I give one hell of a blowjob.  Right, honey?” he asked as he turned to look at Ethan.

Ethan huffed out a surprised laugh as he sat across from Justin. 

“Best blowjob of my life, darling,” he quipped as he removed his coat, and then grinned as the trick glared at them before finally moving away.

It was warmer in the bar than outside, and Ethan noticed that Justin had removed his coat as well.  Neither of them could afford to get sick, and that was sure to happen if they remained warmly dressed.  Raising his glass, Ethan grinned when Justin rolled his eyes, but he tapped his own glass against Ethan’s.

“You could have gotten a beer.  I wouldn’t have minded,” Justin said, and Ethan shrugged.

“Nah, I’ll stick with the hard stuff tonight,” he said, making Justin roll his eyes at him.

They sat in companionable silence for a while, until Ethan set his glass down and fixed Justin with a severe look.

“Justin, part of your therapy is to face certain truths.  When you asked me to be a part of that therapy, I had to agree to call you out when you became pessimistic.”

“Fuck, Ethan, not tonight,” Justin said as he set his glass down, but Ethan reached across the table and settled his hand on top of Justin’s wrist. 

“Every night,” he said firmly.  “Every night and day and moment in between.  That was the deal.  We all agreed to complete honesty.”

Justin lowered his eyes to the table, but nodded dejectedly when Ethan carefully squeezed his wrist.

“In regards to that agreement, I can honestly say that I really dislike the fucker; but it wasn’t all trick and locks and dates at the baths.  You won’t discuss said fucker with Alex, and that’s your decision.  But the agreement was for honesty, Justin.  You won’t discuss the fucker, because you feel like you’re betraying him if you do, and that’s okay.  I’ve told you this before.  But you will talk about it with Sam or me or Daphne; now, tell me a good memory that you have of him.”

Justin’s eyes narrowed as he stared back at his friend unhappily, causing Ethan to lean across the table slightly.

“Don’t make me call Daphne,” he warned softly, and Justin’s eyes flew to meet his own.  “You know that I will,” Ethan continued, and when Justin pressed his lips tightly together in irritation, Ethan shot him a cheeky grin and settled back down slightly in his chair.

It wasn’t an idle threat; when her best friend ended up in the hospital, Daphne had gone from a pit bull to a rabid Doberman. ‘Protective’ didn’t even begin to cover Daphne’s attitude towards Justin now.  But as protective as she was of him, according to Justin she was an even bigger pain in the ass than Alex when it came to him following his therapy rules.  But Justin loved her fiercely; how could he not, when the girl had more than looked after him when he was at his lowest.     

Justin had lost count of the number of times Daphne had crawled into bed with him and held him while he cried after a therapy session.  Hers had been the first face he had seen when he had woken up in the hospital; while his mom had wept in the background, Daphne had gotten in his face and told him that if he thought he was going to check out on her, he had another thing coming.  To Daphne, it hadn’t mattered that Justin had been restrained at the time – her relief had come out as pure anger, and Justin had clung to her strength ever since. 

She hadn’t left his side - from spoon feeding him when he had had been too lost in grief to remember to eat, to making sure that he took his pills every day without fail.  From dragging his ass into the shower and washing his body, to bringing him daily cups of caramel mocha from Starbucks.  Justin had told her during a bad day that he wished he was straight, so that he and Daphne could make a go of it; Daphne had laughed softly and told him that they would kill each other within the week.  She was perfectly happy being his bfhe – best fag hag ever.

And while Daphne and Ethan were united in helping him, Justin knew damn well that they didn’t really get along.  Daphne partially blamed Ethan and Sam for Justin and Brian’s relationship falling apart.  And Ethan reacted accordingly.  But they all put their own personal shit aside to help Justin, and would continue to do so.  So, when Ethan threatened to call Daphne, Justin knew the other boy meant business. 

“Tell me about the first time you realized that he cared for you,” Ethan said, and when Justin sighed, Ethan squeezed his wrist in silent support. 

It was only when Justin turned his wrist over so that they were holding hands that Ethan let out the breath he had been holding.  Sometimes it was hit and miss with Justin when it came to making the blond talk about Brian.  There were days he could be talked into it like today.  And then there were the days where even a hint of maybe talking about Brian would send Justin into a tailspin of fucking tricks; those days resulted in tears and self-discrimination and Ethan actively having to stop Daphne from hunting the fucker down and tearing his balls off.

“He was driving…”

“Uh, uh… use your words properly, darling,” Ethan sang out cheerily, and Justin glowered at him as Ethan’s lips twitched.

“Asshole,” Justin said dryly, and Ethan snorted.  “Fine.  Brian was driving me to school, and we were talking about the effects coffee could have on your body.  He made some asinine comment about there being no complaints in regard to his performance in bed, and I told him something about youth being on my side, which let me fuck all night and still score fifteen hundred on my SATs.  He said that I could go anywhere with a score like that, and I told him that I had applied to Dartmouth and Brown.”

A small smile crossed Justin’s face, and his fingers tightened within Ethan’s momentarily.

“He sort of looked at me real quickly, and said that he hadn’t known that I was going out of state, and I knew.  He had panicked at the thought of me leaving the Pitts, and for half a second, the great Kinney walls had come down, and I saw inside.  Of course, he covered it up fast when I was bratty about that slip, but it didn’t change the fact that I knew he cared about me.  It was later that night when we were in the loft that he… that Brian asked me where else had I had applied to go to school.”

“How’d he ask?” Ethan murmured as Justin’s eyes took on that faraway look they sometimes got whenever he was falling back into his memories of happier times.  He and Daphne had learned over the last three months to just let Justin delve into his own mind – they got better results that way.

“He’d already fucked me twice, and I was lying on my stomach all drowsy and worn out, and sort of just… floating along, you know?  Enjoying the moment.  Brian was smoking, and he rolled over and ran his finger down my spine and asked me how many schools had come begging for my favor.  So, I told him; Brown, Dartmouth, Harvard, Yale, and Stanford had all invited me to attend their school, and had sent along a list of pros as to why their school was the very best one for me. 

“Brian had an argument against each and every one of them; they were all very reasonable arguments, and if he hadn’t let his walls down earlier in the morning, I would have thought that he was simply making me see the pros and cons of each school.  But I knew, and he knew that I knew, and when I mentioned that I had also applied to PIFA, his arguments for PIFA were all pros. 

“He, uh… turned that pros list into a lesson on how long he could make me hold out while he was rimming me.  I came so fucking hard in the end that I passed out.  I surfaced slightly when Brian was cleaning me up with a damp cloth, and I remember hearing him mutter that Stanford didn’t teach proper little gay boys about rimming; that if I stayed in the Pitts, then my education would be second to none.

“I stayed quiet, and when he came back to bed, he, uh… he opened another condom and eased his way back into my body.  He hadn’t done it before… I always wanted to fall asleep with his cock inside me, but he wouldn’t do it.  I know most guys are too sensitive after they cum, but I love it… and here he was, pushing back inside of me, and pulling me into his arms.  I fell asleep stuffed full of cock, and with a smile on my face.  He was back to ‘normal’ the following day, of course; but I could remember hearing and feeling him when he thought I was asleep.  He didn’t want me to leave the Pitts.”

Ethan watched as Justin blinked, and when Justin glanced at Ethan and then lowered his chin as he attempted to withdraw his hand from Ethan’s, Ethan tightened his grip until Justin peeked up at him from behind the curtain of pale hair that covered his eyes.

“He cared about you, Justin; you know this.  You were happy together at one point.  And yeah, ok, it turned to shit in the end.  But you know what love looks like.  And one day, you’ll know how it feels again.”

Justin’s teeth worried the corner of his lips before he pulled his hand away from Ethan’s grip.  Sitting back in his chair, he tucked his hair behind his ear, and when he finally spoke, his voice was firm with conviction.

“If being in love leaves me feeling like this, Ethan, I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life.”

“That’s a long time to be alone, Justin,” Ethan said softly, and Justin shrugged.

“Better to be alone than lonely in a relationship,” he said quietly.  “I know Brian cared about me; even when I was at my lowest point, I knew that, Ethan.  But it’s one thing knowing it, and another thing entirely hearing him tell everyone who would listen that he just didn’t give a shit; that I was just a guy he fucked more than once.” 

Justin smiled bitterly and lifted his glass, draining the lemonade before standing up and shrugging into his coat.

“You heading home?” Ethan asked, and Justin shook his head.

“Nah, I’m working tonight.”

Ethan winced when he thought about the hours Justin pulled at the 24-hour BP, but whenever he or Daphne brought it up, Justin reminded them that he could be dancing on the bar at Babylon instead.

“You need a lift?  I have Sam’s car,” Ethan offered as he pulled one his own coat, but Justin shook his head.

“I’m a big boy, Ethan; I’m perfectly fine catching the bus.  Thanks anyway.”

“What time do you finish?” Ethan asked as Justin checked the time on his cell.

“I’m doing nine ‘till three.  I don’t have class until eleven tomorrow.”

“Are you catching the bus home?” Ethan asked.

Justin nodded.  “Gives me time to study,” he explained.

Ethan nodded mutely in return  he followed Justin out of the bar and back into the cold.  The two boys maintained their silence as they walked briskly across campus, and when they reached the parking lot, Ethan caught Justin’s hand in his.

“Justin, come on.  Let me give you a lift.”

Justin stepped closer to Ethan and brushed their lips together lightly before he hitched his bag up a little further.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said determinedly, before turning to walk towards the bus stop.

Ethan blew into his cupped hands, but continued to stand still as he watched Justin reach into his jacket pocket and pull out the black beanie he tended to wear when it was cold like this.  The dark wool covered all that bright hair, and as Justin pulled it down around his ears, he slowly melded into the shadows until he disappeared from sight.  Turning towards Sam’s car, Ethan unlocked the door even as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket.

Starting the car, Ethan turned the heater on and sat there while he waited for the car to warm up.  While he did so, he sent a quick text message to Sam to let him know he was on his way home before he dialled Daphne’s number.  The phone only rang twice before her voice came over the line.

“Ethan, did you find him?”

“Hi, Ethan, how are you on this fine cold evening?  Thank you so much for going out to find our friend.  Why I’m just fine, Daphne, thank you so much for asking!” Ethan replied dryly, smirking when he heard Daphne bite back a sharp retort.

“Yes, I found him,” Ethan said finally when Daphne maintained an icy silence.  “He was in the studio; he’s struggling with his current assignment.”

“What’s the topic?” Daphne asked, and Ethan sighed.

“Romance and love,” he said quietly, and then his eyes widened comically when Daphne lit up the air with a string of expletives that would have made a seasoned sailor blush.  When Daphne finally fell silent, Ethan spoke again.  “I took him out for a drink…”

“He can’t drink while taking his antidepressants!” Daphne shouted, and Ethan swore softly.

“I know that, Daphne!  I’m not a complete idiot!” he spat.  “We had a lemonade if that’s all right with you!”

Daphne swore again, but when she finally spoke, her voice had warmed slightly.

“I’m sorry, Ethan.  It’s just been a long day; Alex said he didn’t do well in therapy today…I’m just worried.”

Ethan slumped further down into the driver’s seat, and finally let his own guard down.

“We spoke about Brian,” he offered gently, and when Daphne’s sound of surprise echoed in his ear, Ethan smiled.  “I did exactly what Alex told us to; Justin was down on himself when I found him.  We both know that’s normal on a Sunday.  So, when he told me about the assignment and said that he knew nothing about love, I made him bring up a good memory regarding the fucker.  He was fine when we left the bar, Daphne, and he is currently on his way to the bus stop so he can go to work. Now before you bite my head off again, I offered to drive him, but he turned me down – he said he was a big boy.”

“What time does he finish?” Daphne asked, and Ethan blew out a soft breath when he heard that the ice was finally gone from Daphne’s voice.

“He’s doing nine ‘till three, so he should be home by four AM at the latest.  He has a class at eleven tomorrow, and I’m meeting up with him and Sam at two for a late lunch,” Ethan informed her, and after Daphne murmured her thanks, they hung up. 

Putting the car into gear, Ethan left the parking lot and slowly head towards the bus stop where he knew Justin waited to go to work.  He relaxed further when he saw that the stop was empty; Justin had made his bus on time.  It was only the affection that he had for Justin that stopped him from telling Daphne to fuck off when she got like this.  He  knew how frightened she had been when the hospital had called her after Justin had OD’d in the tub – Ethan point blank refused to believe that Justin had attempted suicide, which was something else he and Daphne had in common  – so he knew that there had to be give-and-take between him and Daphne when it came to Justin.

Checking to make sure it was safe to merge, Ethan continued to head towards home.  He followed the rules Alex had established for their rag-tag group – they all did.  Because while Ethan might not believe that Justin had attempted suicide, he did know for a fact that he was suffering from depression. And unlike the people that the fucker called friends, Ethan didn’t ignore a person when they were in pain.  He faced it head on – and Justin and his friendship were far too valuable to him to let the blond go on hurting.  Not on his watch – not ever.  So, he would bite his tongue around Daphne, and together they would continue to support Justin until he was better.  It was as simple as that.