35.
Her book lay forgotten in her lap as she watched the two men talk in the warm sunshine; she had had enough trouble pretending to read when Gus had first run off to join Justin. Instead, her eyes had been drawn to the young man her son had headed for and like a body desperate for food, she had taken in Justin’s appearance with starved eyes. Lindsay sighed softly; Justin had ignored the tentative wave she had sent his way, not that she had expected anything less. But to be so close to him, and unable to talk to him, was torture. She had known though; had known it deep inside, even as a tiny seed of hope had grown that maybe today was the day that he would finally let her apologize.
That hope had been dashed when he had turned his back on her and walked away with Gus. But her hopes hadn’t been fully extinguished; Justin hadn’t run for the hills when he’d seen her. Instead, he had played with Gus, and the sight of that had made her chest hurt all the more as memories of happier times had cascaded through her mind. Memories of laughter, and long, thought-inducing discussions about art. Memories of dinners together, and the times he had sought her out for advice.
It had been a younger, more idyllic man, with shorter hair and his heart worn openly on his sleeve that had gotten down on the floor in her living room and played with Gus once upon a time. Now, it was a slightly older version; one with longer hair and a guarded expression on his face who played with her son in the grass. One who no longer wore his heart upon his sleeve; who no longer sought her out for advice, or spent lazy afternoons talking art with her over coffee long gone cold. And it made her heartsick to know that she had had a hand in turning Justin into the man he had become.
However, he wasn’t as thin as he’d been when she had first laid eyes on him at PIFA all those months ago. Back then, her fear for his mental health had over-shadowed recognizing just how skinny he had become – but there had been many a night that she lay in bed afterwards; unable to sleep, her mind had kept bringing up the image of him as she had seen him that cold afternoon. Caught up fully in the struggle with his depression, Justin’s mental illness had outwardly manifested itself in the form of an alarming loss of weight.
His skin had been strung tight over bone – gone was the youthful roundness to his face, and the flush of health that normally rode his cheeks. Instead his skin had been paler than she had ever seen it, including the weeks he had been unconscious after Chris Hobbs had tried killing him. But looking at him now, she could see that he had gained back a lot of the weight he had lost. He was still slim, but not alarmingly so. And while he had lost the rounded youthfulness to his face, he no longer looked gaunt.
And although his heart was safely tucked away and no longer worn on his sleeve, Justin didn’t bother hiding how much he loved Gus. He had taken her son for several over-sleeps, as Gus had taken to calling them; nights which included stories, and movies, and sleeping in Justin’s big, grey bed. Nights during which Gus slept safely in Justin’s arms. She had asked Gus if he was scared of staying in a strange place, but her son had answered her in the simplest of ways – Jussin kept the monsters away.
Lindsay had found herself fighting back tears after that talk with Gus – Justin kept Gus’s monsters away, but no one had known about the demons that Justin had been fighting in his own mind. Monsters that had almost taken his life. Knowing that Justin wasn’t ready to speak to her, Lindsay had spent the enforced separation reading up on depression, learning all that she could about the illness so that she could better understand the how’s and why’s of what had happened. And in educating herself, she had come to the horrifying realization that she hadn’t just let Justin down, but she had also let Brian down.
She had claimed to be one of Brian’s best friends, but upon learning about depression, she had also learned about PTSD; Mel had come home to find her in tears, with printouts about the subject strewn across their kitchen table. It had taken Lindsay a few hours to pull herself together enough to make an articulate statement; Mel had listened to what she had had to say, before her wife had finally agreed and said that it was highly probable that Brian was suffering from PTSD, and that it was something she had missed, too. The whole family had missed it. The whole family had failed both men.
But the days of Brian listening to her were lost to her now; Peter had grown up, and Wendy had no choice but to realize that her lost boy wasn’t coming back. There was no doubt in her mind that things would eventually smooth over with her and Brian and that they would be friends again. But it wouldn’t be like it had been in the past – Brian had made his choice, and it hadn’t been she or Michael. Lindsay smiled slightly as that errant thought ran through her mind – no, Brian hadn’t chosen her, but wasn’t that a part of growing up? Instead, he had chosen the man he wanted more than anyone else.
And while she would always silently mourn the loss of their friendship and the closeness they had once shared, she knew that she would happily give that closeness up if it meant that Brian and Justin could reunite again. If it meant that she had to sit on a park bench and watch them from a distance – if it meant learning about Justin’s progress through their friends – if it meant watching the young, blond man from afar as she yearned to hug him and press kisses to his cheeks like Gus did – then she would do so for the rest of her life with a smile on her face.
She had never intended for the two men to fall apart the way that they had when she had encouraged Justin to pursue Ethan. But she had seen the way Ethan had watched Justin during his performance, and the way Justin had been mesmerized by the dark-haired boy. But then Rage had happened – and while she could say that she hadn’t known about what had been going on behind the scenes – she did know that she had willingly taken Brian’s side in the aftermath. And Justin had been the one to pay the price.
He’d been the one they had all turned on – the one they ignored. He was the one who had done his job, while overhearing the barbed comments that had been made, not only by her and Michael, but by complete strangers. Looking back at that first morning after the Rage party, Lindsay had felt the full force of shame burn down upon her when she realized that while Brian hadn’t spoken up in Justin’s defense, he had also not said a single word against his ex-lover. And now, it was Brian paying the price for the interference of the family.
Brian had always kept what he felt hidden – he’d been a master at it once upon a time. But just like with the single swing of a bat, all it had taken was a single conversation on a cold Sunday afternoon and Brian’s mask had been torn apart. For as long as she lived, she would never forget the look that had been on Brian’s face when they had all arrived at Debbie’s. He had been pale, and he hadn’t been able to hide the grief he felt as he sat at the table with Gus in his arms and the truth had come tumbling out. But then he’d said it, and Lindsay had known that things would never be the same again.
“I would have lost him… fuck, I have lost him and for what? A fucking kiss between friends?”
The great Kinney mask was gone, and the grief, pain, and desperation that Brian had felt had been written clearly on his face; emotions that he had been feeling during the three months that he and Justin had been separated. Emotions that he had successfully hidden behind contemptuous comments and a glib smile. But those three emotions had tattooed themselves upon every line on his body over the coming months. And because of her part in it, Lindsay had been delegated to the sidelines.
Unable to offer her support or advice, she had been left to do whatever she could to try to help. An ear for Mel, when her wife came home from therapy sessions in tears. Over-sleeps on the weekends. Looking up art shows that she knew would catch Justin’s attention, so that Mel and Gus could meet with him and have something exciting to do. And the knowledge that Brian had been fundamentally changed was never more apparent than when Gus would come home from those outings, and tell her about what he, Daddy, and Jussin had done together.
It had all brought her to here; to this moment in time. This exact moment, after she had begged and pleaded and cajoled Mel into letting her come to the park while her wife sat in the car and waited. She had promised that she wouldn’t approach Justin; that she would sit on the bench and read while Gus and Justin had their playdate. But the need to lay eyes on the blond had become too great; the need to see him with her own eyes, instead of visualizing him through the visits he shared with Mel. It had taken her all evening and most of the morning to convince Mel that her intentions were pure. So here she sat, and the sight of Justin playing with Gus had calmed her like nothing else had been able to.
But when Brian had sat down with Justin, that had made everything all the better. So focused on joining his two boys in the morning sunshine, Brian had walked past her without even seeing her. Tunnel vision at its finest. To see Justin allowing Brian to touch him, however casually it seemed, made her smile. To see the light brushing of their lips bought her joy, and she did an internal happy dance every time they lightly kissed. These kisses that she witnessed where nothing like the ones they had shared in the past; kisses that seemed to block everything else out as they focused their whole attention on each other and got lost in each other’s mouths.
Oh, she’d seen the steely look Brian had suddenly shot her after Justin had obviously made her presence known to him; she knew he was annoyed with her. But if she was going to prove to either man that she only wanted them to be happy, then she had to do what she had promised Mel, which was to keep her ass on the bench she sat upon, and not go charging across the grass to hug Justin when he clearly wasn’t ready to talk to her. Slipping her book back into her bag, Lindsay continued to watch the two men as they talked. And when the two men eventually rose to their feet, she took a deep breath as Justin transferred a sleepy Gus into Brian’s arms so that her son could have cuddles with his daddy.
Perched safely in Brian’s arms, Gus still reached out and twined his fingers through the long hair that skimmed Justin’s jaw line. The rosebud shape of his lips moved, and Justin nodded seriously as Gus spoke to him. Watching them, Lindsay recognized the need that Gus had to maintain that physical connection with Justin; like father, like son. And while Gus openly played with Justin’s hair, for Brian it was the way he stood so close to the blond. With his arms full of his child, Brian alleviated his need to touch by making sure that his body was brushing up against Justin’s as his young lover talked openly with his son.
Love. Love and need. It was in every touch. In every look. In every brush of Brian’s arm against Justin’s shoulder. And while Gus was too young to hide it, Lindsay had never seen Brian express his need so openly before. It was a very different Brian Kinney that she was watching – she had always known that Justin was different; Brian had never been able to hide that, considering he had taken the young man to his bed more than once. But he had never been so open with how he was feeling; and when Justin glanced up at him, the soft smile that crossed his face caused a twinge in Lindsay’s heart.
But then Justin looked her way; the look on his face was unreadable and didn’t tell her anything about how he was feeling. Lindsay lifted her hand and sent him another silent wave; hello, goodbye, God I miss you, please forgive me – could he read all that and more in the spread of her fingers and the way her hand curved as she greeted him? She hoped so. But then Brian carded his hand through the thick hair at the base of Justin’s skull, and as Justin looked up at Brian, Brian lowered his head and kissed those upturned lips.
It wasn’t a long kiss; it wasn’t a ‘I need to get you somewhere alone so I can fuck the shit out of you’ kiss. It wasn’t a ‘I want to disappear inside you’ kiss. But it was a statement all the same. A branding of sorts. A claiming; a kiss that said want, need, own, love. A kiss that Justin obviously understood, because when he pulled back from it, his cheeks were flushed, and he sank his teeth into his lower lip as his eyes darted across Brian’s face in question. Their voices were too low, and she was too far away to hear what they said, but Brian’s mouth formed a single word. One that caused Justin’s face to relax, and for a small smile to curve his lips.
And then it happened; Justin turned his eyes towards her as Brian continued to keep his hand cupped around the nape of his neck. His lips pressed together briefly, and then he lifted his own hand. A tentative wave; one of hello. Goodbye. I’m not ready. I’m still standing. I’m still strong. I’m still fighting. I don’t know how to begin to trust you. And Lindsay was unable to fight back the smile that crossed her own face as she lifted her hand and returned that tentative wave. I’m here; I’m waiting. I love you. I’m proud of you. Take your time – I’ll wait until you’re ready.
And as they stared at each other, Brian briefly pressed his mouth to Justin’s temple; Justin looked up at him after a moment before he smiled up at Brian, and - tucking his hands into the pockets of the hoodie he wore - he turned and walked away. Brian watched Justin’s retreating figure for several minutes before he turned and started to walk towards her. And when he reached the bench she was sitting on, he sat Gus in the stroller that was parked beside the bench, before he pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket and tapped one out.
Lindsay crossed her hands in her lap as she looked up at Brian, who balanced the cigarette between his teeth as he searched his pockets for his lighter. Brian maintained his silence until after he had lit his smoke and exhaled. It was only then that he glanced down at her and spoke quietly.
“That was quite the risk you and smelly-Mellie took this morning, Lindsay. Was it worth it?”
And Lindsay smiled, even as she nodded her head.
“To see him? To see how healthy he looks? You’re damn right it was worth it, Brian,” she said firmly. “But I also promised Mel that I wouldn’t approach him. I made you that same promise when I took Gus to PIFA, remember? I swore I wouldn’t approach him – I wouldn’t try to make him talk to me, because I know he isn’t ready. But I had to see him, Brian – you of all people should understand that.”
Brian exhaled steadily, and then shook his head.
“I get it,” he said finally. “But a heads up from Mel would have been great, because this impromptu sighting could have gone badly.”
It went unsaid that if it had gone badly then Brian would have been the one it went badly for, but Lindsay heard the unspoken statement as clearly as if he had shouted it at her. She nodded and as Brian went to turn away, she reached up and lightly touched his hand.
“How’s he doing?” she asked, and Brian’s lips twisted into a slight smile.
“I’m sure that you get all the information you need from your wife,” he said pointedly, as he lifted an eyebrow at her.
Lindsay swallowed hard; that single eyebrow had told her that she was still on the sidelines for Brian and would remain there until he felt he could trust her again. Love warred with frustration inside her chest and taking a deep breath, she spoke quietly.
“I know you don’t trust me, Brian – not like you used to. I brought Ethan into Justin’s life when I took him to see that recital for his birthday. Did I encourage Justin to pursue him? Yes, I did. But I had no idea that it would turn out the way it has; I had no idea how badly Justin was struggling at that stage – if I had known, I would have fought like hell to get him the help that he needed.”
Brian’s shoulder jerked in response to her statement, and his hand wasn’t quite steady when he lifted his cigarette to his mouth. Staring up at him, Lindsay took a deep breath and then spoke again.
“I’m really sorry, Brian. For my part in this whole thing; for what you and Justin are going through now.”
Brian’s lips thinned momentarily before he turned his eyes towards her; the look in them was hard. It was one that spoke of anger and pain, but his voice was even when he finally spoke.
“So, you don’t think I should have left him lying there the way that Michael did?”
Lindsay recoiled, and her words ran into each other in her haste to speak.
“No! I never thought that, Brian. I never felt that way.” And as she spoke, a thought ran through her mind, and she reached up to grasp his hand tightly in her own. He was suffering PTSD – and she hadn’t known. “I never once blamed you for what Chris Hobbs did to Justin,” she said slowly. “I never once thought that it was your fault... you have to forgive yourself though, Brian... I highly doubt Justin blames you for what happened.”
“But you thought I should have gone and seen him,” Brian said, and the sing-song quality his voice took on reminded Lindsay of how quickly Brian could wield his words as weapons. But even as she was reminded of that, another thought occurred to her – one that ran hand-in-hand with the PTSD, and she could have quite cheerfully smacked her own head for not realizing it sooner.
“You would have gone and seen him when no one else was around,” she said quietly, and a small smile crossed her face when she saw the truth of that statement reflected back at her from the eyes that wouldn’t quite meet her own. “You would have gone when he was alone – probably at night, when he was asleep – and you would have watched over him in your own way. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize it sooner.”
Brian rolled his lips into his mouth, and lowered his chin slightly; nodding to herself, Lindsay tugged gently on the hand she still held, until Brian met her gaze. Tugging on his hand again, Lindsay finally relaxed when Brian sank onto the bench she was sitting on, and she licked her lips before she repeated her question.
“How is he?” she asked, and Brian stared off into the distance as he contemplated her question.
“Stronger,” he said finally. “He’s stronger than any of us ever gave him credit for.”
“And how’s he doing at work?” she asked when Brian seemed content to let the silence linger, and Brian sighed softly.
“He fit right in with the Art Department,” he said slowly. “Murphy’s in awe of his talent. He said that hiring Justin was the best thing Gardner ever did.”
“How’s his hand holding up?” Lindsay asked, and when Brian looked at her, Lindsay explained, “I figured that having his school days combined into two days would give him problems with his hand,” she said softly, and Brian shrugged.
“He hasn’t said anything,” he said, and Lindsay bit her lip when Brian frowned.
“And how’s it going with the two of you?” she questioned gently, and Brian looked down at his hands before he finally shrugged.
“Are you back together?” she asked, and Brian sighed before he shrugged again. The silence lingered, and when Lindsay said his name again, Brian looked at her.
“We’re trying,” he said quietly. “But he doesn’t trust me.”
“What do you mean?” Lindsay asked sharply, and Brian seemed to sink down into himself slightly.
“We’re...dating,” he said finally. “He lets me spend time with him. He lets me touch him. We talk. But he won’t come to the loft.”
“What’s the loft got to do with it?” Lindsay asked, and Brian sighed deeply.
“I don’t know,” he said heavily. “Or... maybe I do, but he won’t talk to me about it.”
“About what?” Lindsay asked, and Brian looked away from her as he swallowed convulsively.
“Brian... I just want to help,” Lindsay implored, and Brian shoved his hands through his hair before he shook his head.
“It was something he said this morning about you,” he said finally. “I asked him why he wouldn’t talk to you, and he said that if he did, it made it all real.” Brian licked his lips as he shook his head, and when he spoke, it was so quietly that Lindsay had to lean forward to hear him.
“I think if he comes to the loft, then it is all real,” he said finally. “He’s holding parts of himself back from me, and I think that if he comes home, then he has to face those parts he keeps hidden. And I don’t think he’s ready for that. I don’t think either of us are.”
“What are you talking about?” Lindsay asked softly, and Brian blew out a deep breath.
“I get it now,” he said slowly. “I understand how he feels. He used to try so hard to get me to open up to him... to get me to talk to him... to trust him. I never realized how hard he was trying until he stopped. I never realized how easy he made it for me until he let go, and I was the one trying to hold us together.” A soft, depreciating chuckle left his lips, and Brian shook his head.
“I never realized how much of a gift his faith in me was, until he stopped trusting me. All the dates and words and time together in the world don’t mean shit, Linds, when he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me what he’s still holding back from me. I can’t force him to let me back in fully, because if I do, then it will always be unstable between us. But I also can’t fix the problems between us if he doesn’t tell me what has him so scared.”
Lindsay could only stare at Brian as he picked at the skin near his thumb. And when he finally looked over at her and a crooked smile crossed his face, Lindsay finally managed to speak.
“You could tell him you love him,” she offered, and Brian smirked.
“I have,” he said, and when Lindsay drew in a sharp breath, Brian shook his head. “I’ve told him – he knows. But they’re just words, Lindsay. He knew I loved him before we went to Prom. He still left me. Twice now, he has walked away from me. I got him back too easily last time; I didn’t have to fight to get him to come home to me, so I didn’t learn how big a gift his trust was. This time I have to fight for him... I have to fight to make him hear me. I think that I have to fight this hard, so that I’ll learn how much he means to me; so that I’ll learn that this really is the last chance I have with him.”
Brian glanced at her, and then smiled slightly.
“I’ve learned that lesson. But that doesn’t mean that he’ll forgive me as easily as he once did. I’ll know when he’s forgiven me, Lindsay... I’ll know when he’s fully mine again.”
“When will that be?” she asked faintly, and Brian smiled again; a beautiful smile that lit up his eyes and showed her the hope that he was carrying so close to his chest.
“When he finally lets me in behind the last of his walls. When he finally tells me why he’s so scared. When he comes home. When he realizes that there are locks on the door and I’m not giving him the key, but he still choses to stay. That’s when I’ll know; that’s when I’ll forgive myself.”
“Forgive yourself?” she breathed, and Brian nodded.
“For not being there,” he said finally. “For not realizing what he was going through.”
Lindsay reached out and grasped his hand tightly; squeezing his hand as hard as she could, she shook her head.
“You didn’t know, Brian,” she said firmly, and Brian smiled sadly and untangled their hands. Rising to his feet, he looked at her for a long moment before he spoke.
“No, I didn’t; but now I do. And all the sorry’s in the world won’t make up for the fact that when he needed me most, Lindsay, I wasn’t there. I was too busy trying to drown how I felt in a bottle; too busy trying to fuck away my feelings. Too ashamed to face him in the light of day, and then too busy trying to convince myself that I didn’t miss him or need him or care that he had walked away from me with another man. I won’t make that mistake a third time. Either he’ll come home to me where he belongs, or he’ll tell me to fuck off once and for all. And until he makes his mind up one way or another, I’ll continue to show him that... I’m not scared anymore. That I’m willing to fight for him – for us – that I am willing to continue holding him up, until he finds his feet again. Then I’ll walk beside him... be proud to.”
Brian smiled and - reaching down to skim his fingers across Gus’s head - he tucked his hands into his pockets and walked away. And Lindsay was left sitting in the warm sunshine, her thoughts racing across her mind with vivid clarity, and when she finally rose to her feet and made her way towards the parking lot where Mel was waiting, Lindsay finally felt like she had a clearer picture of who Brian was. Of who Justin was. And as Mel met her gaze through the windshield of their car, Lindsay smiled. She was proud of both men, and as Mel left the car and she met her wife’s lips with her own, Lindsay hoped she would one day be able to call them both friends again. She could be patient. They were worth the wait.