36.
Babylon or Woody’s this was not; Brian looked around the busy bar but managed to keep his feelings from showing on his face. It was crowded – far more crowded than he thought it would be. The music was loud, and while there was no techno playing or any tumbling glitter in the air, he could feel the echoing thump of the drums and guitar in his heartbeat as the heavy bass pounded through the room. He had received more than one interested look from the young men who filled the space, but it was nothing compared to the eye-fuckings that Justin had gotten. Looks that he had seemed oblivious to, and that Brian was trying his best to ignore. Justin wasn’t going home with any of those losers – not when he seemed so content to be leaning against him.
The one thing those looks had shown him, however, was just how much he had grown as a person in the time that he had been receiving therapy from Alex. If he had seen the looks before Justin had left him, he would have grabbed the hottest guy he could find and fucked him in front of Justin, just to prove that he could. He wouldn’t have cared how much the act hurt his lover – he would have once only cared to prove that he was still hot, that he was still desirable, and that he could have any guy he wanted. Christ, he couldn’t count how many times he had done just that; but his behavior in the past had led them to this moment – to the here and now.
To the reality where Justin had left him; where his lover could no longer put up with being publicly humiliated for a presumed slight that hadn’t even come from him. To the reality where his lover had tried killing himself, because the thought of having to endure one more moment of pain was one more moment too many. And that had changed everything. There was no need to prove anything – no need to punish the beautiful man he had his arm around, for Brian’s own insecurities. Not when he had fought as hard as he had to have the right to hold Justin in his arms. Not when his lover had fought as hard as he had to even find the will to keep living.
But as alien as this place was compared to Babylon or Woody’s, he had never seen Justin more comfortable in his surroundings. Maybe it was the fact that he had been listening to the throaty growl of Sam’s voice when the other man had been on the raised staging area; maybe it was the fact that it was Ethan he was leaning into as he shouted in his friend’s ear to be heard over the music. And maybe, just maybe, it was because while he was talking to Ethan, it was Brian’s own body that was pressed up against his back.
They had found Ethan at a tall table that was set to the left of the stage; standing in Sam’s direct line of sight, Brian had seen firsthand that Sam and Ethan could hold a whole conversation with nothing more than a look shared between them. But it was the fact that both guys had openly grinned when the surging crowd had pushed him up against Justin; Brian had received a cheeky look from Sam and a shake of that curly head from Ethan when Brian had happily remained pressed lightly up against Justin after the blond hadn’t shifted away from the touch of his body.
Instead, Justin had relaxed against the warmth of his body. Emboldened, Brian had settled his hand against Justin’s lower back, and when the blond hadn’t tensed, Brian had slowly slipped his hand across Justin’s body, until he was able to wrap his arm around Justin’s waist and draw him into his side. And in the darkened, smoky bar, he had finally gotten the feeling he had wanted. The curve of Justin’s body pressed lightly against his side. The tickle of all that blond hair, teasing his nose and lips whenever he glanced down at him. It was the best high he had been on in a long time.
The evening continued to be educational; he had learned that although both Sam and Ethan were attending PIFA for music, the two young men were worlds apart, not only when it came to the style of music they produced, but in personality as well. He knew that Ethan’s music was strictly done on the violin. He had heard the music before, music that Justin had lost himself in while they had still been living together. Sometimes mournful, sometimes soaring, but always the singular sound of rosin-soaked hair on metal.
Ethan’s greeting to Justin had come in the form of his hands rising to cup Justin’s face, before he had pressed gentle kisses to Justin’s cheeks; first his left, then his right, followed by the same gentle touch of his lips to Justin’s mouth as Justin’s hands had risen to circle Ethan’s wrists. His gaze had been dark and serious as it searched Justin’s face, before a smile had warmed his features; they had briefly rested their foreheads together, before they flowed into each other’s arms for a hug.
Sam, on the other hand, was very much like the guitar he played; loud, sexy, and able to command your attention with nothing more than the way he smirked at Justin from across the room and tilted his chin up in greeting. But when he did come to personally greet them, it came in the form of a tight, squeezing hug that lifted Justin off his feet, before an exuberant kiss was smacked onto his lips that left the blond laughing and calling Sam a twat as he wriggled out of the other man’s arms. Sam’s amusement had visibly danced in his eyes and poured a layer of laughter over his voice when he told Justin to come up with something new to call him.
But the biggest difference between them were their friends; Sam’s friends were all genuine in their greetings to Sam, and they included Ethan with small smiles while congratulating Sam on a great night of music. They tried including not only Ethan in their conversations, but Justin and him, too - asking Justin what he was studying, and then finding some sort of common ground with him so that he didn’t feel left out - before they drifted away to other groups of friends with the promise to catch up at school the following week.
Ethan’s friends, however, were another thing entirely. Their voices dripped with denigration, as they floated between subtly putting Sam and his music talent down, openly sneering when asking Justin about his art, and trying to draw Ethan into a conversation about other students in their music classes. And the more they talked, the more laid-back Sam appeared to become; his arm was draped easily across Ethan’s shoulders and his whole stance was one of relaxation. But when he exchanged looks with Justin, his real feelings about the subject were made clear; no one could fake that level of anger and still appear outwardly calm.
Justin’s lips had brushed his face when he had murmured in Brian’s ear that Sam had grown up in the WASP set, too – like Justin, he had learned at an early age how to school his features and hide how he was really feeling behind a polite smile. And when Ethan’s friends eventually left, it was Ethan himself who promptly apologized for the arrogance that his classmates had shown. It was after that apology that Brian saw the love and commitment between the two musicians; Ethan’s whole focus had been on Sam as he searched his lover’s eyes, and stroked his face while speaking in low tones.
He and Justin had settled down to listen to more music, but the evening had taken on a slightly sour note after Ethan’s friends had left; Sam was still fuming, and Ethan was still trying to settle him down when Sam eventually suggested they call it a night and go out. And when he suggested getting something to eat and then going to Boytoy, Brian didn’t know whether to kiss him or punch him out when he saw the range of emotion that danced across Justin’s face. But that was how he found himself following Sam’s taillights across town and trying to find a parking space, while Justin remained silent beside him as he nibbled on his thumbnail. Glancing across the car at him, Brian finally broke the silence and spoke quietly as he eased the Jeep into a tight space near the Diner.
“We can just go home,” he said, and Justin looked at him with a startled look on his face. “I get the feeling you don’t want to go in there,” he explained, gesturing vaguely towards the brightly lit eatery with a jerk of his head.
“No,” Justin said, and then sighed. “It’s fine...shit...” He shook his head before he took a deep breath and then looked at him. “It’s not fine – no, I don’t want to go in there. I’ve already been insulted tonight; I should be used to it by now. But Sam and Ethan are waiting for us, and I don’t like letting my friends down.”
Brian jerked in his seat as Justin pushed the door to the Jeep open and climbed out. He hurried to catch up with Justin and reached out to grasp his arm lightly as the blond went to walk past him. He could feel the muscle in his jaw clenching as Justin looked up at him, but he still managed to push the words calmly past the rage that wanted to spew forth as they looked at each other.
“No one has the right to make you feel less,” he managed. “Not me, not the family, not the fags who walk around Liberty like their shit doesn’t stink, and not some pretentious, little asshole, who has grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth and Mommy and Daddy paying for his college education. You earned the right to attend PIFA, remember? You could have gone anywhere, Justin – you chose to attend art school, and no arrogant little snot is going to try and make you feel like your art is just fucking finger paintings...not when...”
Brian broke off his rant when Justin stepped into his personal space, and then rose up onto his toes to brush their lips together. His fingertips slid across Brian’s jaw, and a small smile curved his lips briefly as they stared at each other. And when Justin dropped back down onto his feet, Brian wrapped his hand around the back of his neck and pulled him into the curve of his body. Burying his nose in the soft hair he could feel, Brian closed his eyes briefly as Justin’s soft thank you echoed between them.
“You are so talented, Justin,” Brian said finally. “And in a few years, the whole art world is going to know your name. And you’ll be able to sit back and look at the people who put you down and smile; that casual, indifferent WASP smile you give that says, “oh, you’re so far beneath me that you can’t ever touch me’.”
“Have I ever given you that smile, Brian?” Justin asked and Brian shook his head as the night of the Rage launch flickered briefly behind his eyes.
“Not for a long time,” he said softly. “When you do smile at me, it’s always real, Justin. But I meant what I said – we don’t have to go in there. We can go somewhere else – we can grab takeout if you prefer and head home. Whatever you feel most comfortable with.”
Justin nodded, and when he turned towards the Diner, Brian kept his arm around Justin’s neck as his lover stared at the popular eatery. They could see Sam and Ethan sitting inside, their dark heads pressed close together as they talked, and Justin sighed.
“Alex keeps telling me to face my fears,” he said finally. “I can’t do that if I’m constantly running away.” Looking back up at Brian, Justin managed a weak smile. “No time like the present, right?” he asked, and then it was Brian’s turn to sigh as they walked across the street side-by-side.
When Brian pulled open the door to the Diner, nudged Justin through ahead of himself, and walked in behind him, you could have heard a pin drop when the patrons caught sight of the two of them together. But then a single voice cut through the silence; one that held warmth and love and the slightest hint of reverence.
“Sunshine!”
Deb was practically vibrating as she bustled towards them, and when she drew Justin into her arms for a tight, squeezing hug, her eyes met Brian’s over his shoulder. A quick look was all they shared, but it spoke volumes. There was delight in her eyes at seeing them but worry warred with that delight and lent a slightly pinched look to the curve of her smile. But then the look they shared was broken as Deb turned her head to press her lips against Justin’s cheek, before she gestured to where Ethan and Sam were waiting for them.
Justin practically fled Debbie’s embrace when she stepped back from him, and he slid into the booth the others were sitting at and hunched down slightly in his seat. Conversation began to echo again, in slightly halting sentences as Brian lowered his head to receive Debbie’s welcoming kiss. And with her lips resting against his face, Debbie spoke his name with a clear question ringing in her voice. Brian could only shrug before he crossed the Diner and slid into the booth beside Justin.
It was the press of Justin’s body against his arm that told him that Justin was still freaking out, even as he spoke casually about the music that Sam had played that night. And from the apologetic looks he received from both men, he knew they could hear it resonating in his voice, too. Giving in to the need coursing through his blood, Brian lifted his arm and wrapped it around Justin’s shoulders and pulled the blond further into his side as he answered Sam’s question as to whether or not he had enjoyed the music.
It took a while for Justin to fully relax; tiny tremors that shook his muscles, and the slight hitch to his breathing were all the indicators that Brian needed. He was aware that Justin could hear the whispers; they all could. Whispers that told of the surprise of seeing them here together and disappointment that they appeared to be back together. Disbelief that Brian was lucky enough to receive a second shot with this desirable, young twink. Words – jealous words, that flowed around them; Brian could only grind his teeth as he tried to shut the voices out and not let the words affect him. If this was just a fraction of what Justin was used to overhearing... now he understood.
Hyper aware of every inch of his lover’s tense body, Brian felt the exact moment that Justin finally relaxed; he shuddered once and then glanced up at Brian. Smiling slightly, Brian lowered his head and pressed his mouth to those upturned lips. It was short and sweet, but the kiss still caused a second, abrupt quietness that was only broken when Emmett’s voice cut through the stillness as the Queen walked into the Diner. Clasping his hands together briefly, his outright squeal of “Baby!!” echoed, and conversation resumed once more as Emmett literally bounced across the room and leant over Brian to press an exuberant kiss to the crown of Justin’s head.
He would later admit to Deb that he had never been more grateful to see Emmett in his life, as the man in question squeezed into the booth beside Sam and inserted himself seamlessly into the conversation. And when Ted walked over a few seconds later, it was Justin who shifted closer to the window so that their friend could squeeze in beside Brian. And with Emmett’s cheerful voice leading the way, the conversation flowed effortlessly. It was only when Brian glanced at Ted that he saw the wide smile that was dancing on the other man’s face. And when Ted leaned into Brian, his voice was nearly drowned out under Emmett’s questions about what they had been doing that night.
“He looks good, Brian. You both do.”
Brian nodded slightly; he didn’t bother concealing the small smile that curved his lips, and Ted’s answering grin was his reward as Justin leaned past him to ask Ted how he was. In some ways, Brian thought, it was if the past hadn’t happened; he pilfered a fry off Justin’s plate when it arrived and received a look that promised retribution from the blond that had the table laughing as Justin pulled his plate closer to himself and Brian wiggled his eyebrows at Justin as he chewed. And for a little while, it was almost like Rage hadn’t happened. Justin hadn’t left him. He hadn’t tried taking his own life, and Brian hadn’t been ignorant to the pain his lover had been in.
But it had happened; it wasn’t Michael and Ben sitting across from them. They weren’t getting ready to go to Babylon. Justin wouldn’t be coming home with him, with an evening of carnal pleasure promised in the glow of his eyes. Yet when Justin looked up at him and a small smile curved his lips, Brian felt the full force of his thankfulness that Justin had failed – that Ethan had found him in time - and he was unable to stop himself from pulling Justin closer to his side and burying his nose in his hair.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The pulsing lights, the thumping base – it was all familiar. And while there was no tumbling glitter and no horny fags trying to gain his attention, there was something so much better. Ari had looked at him for a long moment when they had first walked into Boytoy, but a small smile had warmed the normally cold look he received from the other man when he had caught sight of Justin tucked under his arm; he had waved them through the doors with nothing more than a single nod in Brian’s direction.
There had been a subtle warning in his eyes, but Brian didn’t need any warning. He could still recall what Ari had said to Alex the first time the other man had bought him to Boytoy to watch Justin; there was only one man he was interested in tonight, however, and he already had the slim blond in his arms. He had finally realized that the hunt and the chase – while it had once been thrilling – had grown old and stale. The only hunt and chase he was interested in now was the hunt and chase of his lover.
There had only been one moment that had the potential to put the brakes on their night out; Justin had left his side to go to the bathroom, and when he had returned he had found Brian leaning against the bar; the twink who had been hitting on him at the time hadn’t had the brain capacity to understand that the polite “not interested” Brian had given him really did mean no, but when Justin had reappeared, that polite “no” had turned into an outright “fuck off” when Brian saw the look that briefly crossed Justin’s face.
There would be no humiliation here; no acts committed to alienate his young lover. Instead, Brian hauled Justin into his arms when he was within reaching distance and had turned his back on the young twink whose mouth dropped open in shock at Brian’s blatant rudeness. But when he saw Brian pull Justin into his arms, the young man melted into the crowd with a shake of his head, leaving Justin staring up at Brian in surprise, and Brian sending up a silent ‘thank you’ to whoever it was who had listened; that Justin hadn’t read the situation wrong, and turned his back on him. Instead, he let Brian tug him out onto the crowded dance floor, where they danced together for the first time in nearly ten months.
Brian swayed to the music with a small smile on his lips; Justin was dancing in front of him with his eyes closed as he lost himself in the driving pulse of the music. The lights turned his hair pink and then purple before almost blinding him as the bright light flashed several times in a row and reflected off tousled, blond strands of hair. And when Brian reached out to skim his fingertips down the front of Justin’s chest, the lights reflected in his eyes as he looked up at Brian, who pinched the thin material of Justin’s top between his fingertips and used his grasp on the silky feeling fabric to draw Justin closer to him.
Holding Justin’s hands in his own, he guided them up and around his own neck before sliding his hands down Justin’s arms to cup his waist as they swayed together. He was unable to stop himself from touching the blond – skimming his fingers down Justin’s throat and across the small of his back or carding his fingers through the thick mass of silky hair and curling his hand around the nape of Justin’s neck. He skimmed his thumb over the thundering pulse he could feel in Justin’s throat as he lightly dragged the ends of that silky hair through his fingertips. He held him, swaying with him; bending his knees so that they could press their foreheads together as they moved.
The longer they danced, the more it seemed that Justin relaxed; the more that Brian touched him, the more that Justin let go of the distance he had once tried to maintain between them. And when his hand finally rose and he curled his own fingers through the hair on the back of Brian’s head, Brian felt a sharp stab of want spear through his body. It seemed as if that touch had affected Justin as well; his eyes widened briefly before a small smile crossed his face, and whatever the thought that ran through his head was, it seemed to be a revelation of sorts. From that first stroke of his hand, it seemed like he had finally given himself permission to feel, because he was unable to stop touching him.
A stroke of his palm down Brian’s chest, or the grazing of his fingertips across the edge of his jaw. The curl of his arms around Brian’s neck, and the soft, almost hesitant touch of his lips against Brian’s throat. The weight of his hands as he curved them around Brian’s shoulders before skimming his hands down the length of Brian’s arms, where those lightly calloused fingers would circle his wrists. Brian drew Justin closer; held him tighter within the circle of his arms and breathed in the scent of his body as he closed his eyes and rubbed his lips against the bowed crown of Justin’s head. Want, want, want... the feeling pulsed deep inside his chest as they danced – pulsed in time with the beat of the song they danced to, and in time with the frantic beat of his heart.
God, he’d missed this; missed skimming his fingertips across the damp skin of Justin’s lower back where his top had ridden up an inch as they danced. Missed the salty taste of sweat along his damp hairline. Missed feeling the heat of Justin’s breath as he panted softly against his throat as the music caught fire in his lover’s blood and drove him to keep moving. Want, want, want...The feeling of those calloused fingertips brushing up and down his sides, as if he was a canvas for Justin to paint, and his fingertips were the brushes he used to color.
Another hesitant press of Justin’s lips against his neck, followed by the unmistakable touch of the tip of his tongue; Brian shuddered at that hesitant tasting of the skin on his throat, and he blindly reached for Justin’s face. Felt the warm flesh that was stretched across facial bones under his lips as he scattered kisses across the skin under his mouth. Temple, the corner of his eye, the sharp plane of his cheekbone, the tip of his freaking nose; he lifted Justin’s face as he managed to open his eyes and saw that Justin’s own eyes were wide as they stared at each other.
For a few seconds, everything else ceased to exist. Staring at each other, they looked deep inside to the patches of darkness that existed within the other. And everything was laid bare. Their scars were visible to each other – scars they had placed upon each other, and scars that had come from other people. Nothing was hidden – they showed each other the dirty, and under those flashing lights, the ugly things they had hidden in their pasts were being laid bare and washed clean.
Forgiveness. Brian saw the exact moment that Justin made the deliberate decision to release whatever feelings of resentment and pain that still lingered on his bruised psyche. The blond shivered as they stared at each other, and something that had lurked in Justin’s eyes vanished; a black stain that had lingered on his soul. That stain was what had scared Brian the most – that dark mark that was slowly taking the Sunshine away. He knew that it didn’t mean Justin condoned or excused past offenses - no. It just meant that Justin had seen something in him at that moment and had finally forgiven him for letting him down.
Yours.
It was Justin who mouthed it, causing Brian to shudder almost violently as his knees went weak; Justin who lifted his chin as he bought Brian’s mouth down to meet his. Justin, who stopped it from being a simple brushing of lips and turned it into a firm press of mouth on mouth. And while it was Justin who started it, it was Brian himself who was unable to stop it; he shuddered again, a full body tremble as he pressed Justin closer to him. And when those soft lips parted beneath his own, he dove in for a taste and felt his whole body break out in goosebumps when Justin’s tongue met his own.
Want turned to need and set his blood on fire. He was unable to stop the skim of his hands down Justin’s back, nor was he able to stop the clench of his hands on Justin’s hips. Pressing him close, closer, wanting nothing more than to crawl inside his body and spend the rest of his life there as he wrapped his arms around the blond and held him tightly. The flavor of his mouth, half-forgotten due to time and misery, burst along his tongue, and he was unable to silence the moan that bubbled up in his throat and slipped from his mouth and into Justin’s.
It was Justin’s turn to shudder as that sound slid along his tongue, and he arched into Brian’s body with a soft sound of his own. Want, need, love... yours, yours, yours. All mine. And when Justin abruptly dropped down onto flat feet, the kiss they were sharing ended with them staring at each other with wide eyes. Justin looked as shell-shocked as Brian felt, but then the look on his face melted into a soft smile, one that made his eyes glow, and Brian smiled himself as he skimmed his knuckles along Justin’s cheek before he slowly lowered his head again.
Later, he wouldn’t recall what else happened that night; he wouldn’t be able to put a number on the kisses they exchanged, only that he was left feeling like he had undergone a religious experience. He had Justin’s flavor in his mouth; he had tasted the sweetness of lemonade in his mouth, along with the taste of cigarette smoke and absolution. He had felt the tremors that had wracked Justin’s slim frame as he lost himself in the kisses they shared and felt the answering echo in his own body.
As deep and messy as those kisses became, there was no seeking out a dark corner. No exploring the alcove behind the curtain. There was no slipping his hand down Justin’s pants and seeking out the hardness of his cock; no pressing his fingers against the tight, clenching heat of his ass. There was a feeling of deep-seated happiness and the solid belief that he finally had Justin back where he belonged, with the taste of him on his tongue and the warm, solid presence of his body wrapped up in his arms.
There would be no heading back to the loft; no slipping between cotton sheets and into his body. But that was okay; in the back corner of his lust-clouded mind, Brian knew that they had something that he hadn’t felt like they had before – time. There was no need to rush – because they were finally on the same page. They were finally on the same path. And as he sipped from those lips that he dreamed about and tasted all the answers to the unasked questions that he had, he knew that the kiss they had shared meant a new beginning that they had so desperately fought for.