6.

Alex Wilder had a routine; he rose at five AM every weekday morning, and made himself a cup of strong, black coffee.  Jolted fully awake by the Italian brew, he would tug his running shoes on and run a half-dozen laps at the park across the street from his home.  His exercise dealt with, he would shower and dress for his day before drinking another cup of coffee with some fresh fruit and low-fat yogurt.  By seven AM he would be out the door and seated in his car; mind, body, and soul ready to face the day.  So, it was a little annoying to open his front door on Monday morning and find a man sitting on his doorstep.

“Excuse me,” Alex began, but then he could only stare as the man shifted his weight and turned his head so that his face was visible; Alex schooled his features, but he internally cursed Emmett when he found himself staring into the bloodshot eyes of Brian Kinney.

“Brian,” he said quietly and took a step back when Brian rose to his feet.  “Are you all right?” Alex asked, and when Brian glared at him, Alex sighed as he mentally said good-bye to his treasured routine, and gestured for Brian to enter his home.

Alex inhaled subtly when Brian walked passed him, and was relieved to not detect the scent of alcohol on the other man.  Closing the front door, Alex led Brian into his kitchen and gestured to the coffeemaker.

“Coffee?” he asked, and Brian grunted as he sat down at the island bench.

Alex allowed Brian to maintain his silence as he poured two cups of coffee.  Placing one in front of Brian, Alex nudged the sugar bowl across the counter, and took a sip of his own as Brian doctored his coffee with enough sugar to have caused a diabetic coma in most men.  It was only after Brian had taken a few sips of the potent brew that Alex set his cup down and raised his eyebrow.

“I won’t bother wasting either of our time; you’ve spoken to Emmett.”

Brian nodded, and carefully put his cup down.

“And Debbie,” he said finally as he spread his hands on the cold marble of the counter.   

“Then you know that I can’t discuss Justin’s sessions with you, Brian; he’s my patient, which makes him my first priority.  From what I had gathered, you were finished with the boy,” Alex said flatly, and ignored the way Brian flinched at the comment regarding the state of his relationship with Justin.  “So why are you here?”

Brian’s hands flexed slightly before he reached out to pick up his cup.  Cradling the warm porcelain in his hands, Brian kept his eyes lowered.

“Is… is he okay?” he finally asked, and Alex set his cup down with a gentle clink.

“I said that I won’t discuss Justin’s sessions with you, Brian,” Alex said firmly, and when Brian looked up at Alex, Alex swore softly when he saw the misery that was reflected back at him in Brian’s eyes.

“Doctor/patient confidentiality, Brian; there is a reason that it exists.  By law, I can discuss parts of Justin’s therapy with his mother.  Who she chooses to talk about it with is beyond my control, but we have been cautious to keep Justin ignorant as to whom his mother talks to.  You know that I approached Emmett in the hope of helping Justin; what you don’t know is that when I told Justin this, he had an episode, as we like to call it, like I have never seen him experience before.  You think that you patented the term ‘pain management?‘  You’ve got nothing on him right now.  For Justin’s sake… if you once cared about him… let him go.  Go home, get on with your life, and let him get on with his.”

Brian swallowed slightly as Alex stared at him before he finally shook his head.

“I can’t…” he managed to say before his lips compressed slightly and he shook his head again as Alex sighed.

To Brian’s surprise, however, instead of asking him to leave, Alex picked the coffee pot back up and topped off both of their cups.  Walking around the counter, Alex sat beside Brian and ran the tip of his finger around the rim of his cup as he blew lightly on the hot liquid.

“What were you hoping to gain by coming here, Brian?” Alex finally asked as he sipped his coffee.  “You know I won’t discuss with you what Justin tells me during therapy.  I hope that you also know that I won’t divulge to you where he is now living or working.  To do so would undo months of gaining his trust, something that he has been hard-pressed to give.”

Turning in his seat to look at Brian, Alex finally shrugged as Brian struggled to form sentences.

“Is he okay?” Brian repeated after a few moments; those words covered everything he wanted to ask, every question that was swirling around in his mind like mist.

Does he miss me?  Does he still love me?  Or does he hate me for letting him down?  Does he hear my voice in his head?  Do I drown out the hatefulness of Michael’s voice, or does mine cause him nightmares too?  Do I haunt him?  Does he see me out of the corner of his eye?  Does my voice echo in the silence of wherever the fuck it is he is living?  Does he wake up at night and reach for me like I reach for him?  Does tricking keep the loneliness at bay?  Does he seek out men who look like me?  Has he ever paid a hustler out of desperation?  Does he still follow the rules?  Has regret forced him out of the warmth of his mother’s home and into the cold of the morning to seek answers to the questions that keep him awake?  Why?  Why did he do this?

Forcing himself to meet Alex’s steady gaze, Brian openly flinched when Alex dropped his own gaze and shook his head slightly.

“No, Brian; he’s not okay,” Alex said finally.  “You know, when you came to me a while back, I should have insisted then that you bring Justin in for therapy.  Maybe if I had, we wouldn’t be sitting here now.”

“What do you mean?” Brian asked hoarsely, and Alex sighed again as he finished his cup of coffee.    

“Brian, when I’m with a patient, I can see the light inside of them.  Some people call it a soul; I call it the light of life.  But no matter what you call it, it glows behind our eyes.  You’ve seen that light spill out of Justin when he smiles; it’s blinding in its beauty.  And when people are in pain or mourning, that light dims.  The lantern that holds that light might be tarnished and badly needing care, so that the light can begin to gain strength as the person begins to heal.  It’s what makes my job so satisfying; to see that light flickering and growing until it glows at full strength again.”

Alex shoved his hands through his hair, and blowing out a harsh breath, he looked at Brian.

“But then you occasionally meet patients that are so damaged inside, that you can’t see their light when you look into their eyes.  They’re upright, and walking around.  They talk, and breathe, and do their jobs, and eat their dinner.  They dance, and see their friends, and they fuck, but when you look at them, they are nothing more than a shell.  The light inside of them is so low that you can’t detect a glimmer of it when they speak to you.  You can’t see the remnants of the lantern that held that light, due to the darkness that has consumed them.  All you see is the walking dead.  And that is what Justin has become.”

Brian let out a shaky breath in the silence that followed, and Alex tilted his head as he watched Brian try, and ultimately fail, to process what he had been told.

“I told you when we spoke at Woody’s, Brian, to make Justin feel his pain.  Until he processed what had happened to him and learned to deal with it, he was always going to feel isolated, unhappy, and alone.  Remember?  He wasn’t just the walking wounded, but the walking dead.  But he didn’t deal with that pain, Brian; he never faced it.  He was never allowed to speak about it, so he buried it. 

“He went on with his life; fucking, and drinking, and putting up a front that he was the same boy he had once been before the Prom.  He walked through the next few months, biting back all the things he wanted and needed to say.  Swallowing down all the hurt that he felt, ignoring the pain that he was in.  And all the while, that pain stewed inside of him.  It simmered along, layer upon layer as Justin swallowed down the things that hurt him on a fundamental level; it simmered until it festered, Brian, and became poisonous.  And when the pressure inside Justin became too much?  That poison spilled over, and it swallowed him whole.”

Alex licked his lips as he stared down at his hands.

“No doubt Debbie has told you that Justin thinks that you should have left him lying there in that garage; the boy you can remember before Prom, Brian?  He’s gone.  And he’s not coming back.  In his place is this beautiful creature of pure misery.  It’s this Justin that I am trying to reach, that I am trying to help.  It’s this Justin that keeps me awake in the middle of the night.  It’s this Justin that I am still scared that I’m losing.  He might look the same.  He might even sound the same.  But you don’t know this Justin, Brian.  And I’m sorry, but he doesn’t want to see any of you.”

For a heartbeat, Brian thought he was going to be physically sick; Alex was looking at him, with pity showing clearly in his steady gaze.  But then Alex’s final words ran through his mind again, and he grasped onto the tiny thread of hope that sentence bought him.

“I know what Michael said to him,” Brian began hoarsely, and when Alex’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, the tiny thread of hope lengthened.

“I know what he said,” Brian repeated.  “But he’s wrong.  None of us would be better off if he died.  None of us are better off without him in our lives…”

Brian swallowed hard as he fought to gather the words that thickly coated his tongue, and summoning his courage, he pushed them out.

“I’m not better off, Alex… I’m not.  I know this is my fault… just like Prom was.”

Brian broke off when Alex held his hand up; he was shaking his head, and he reached out and grasped Brian’s shoulder tightly.

“This isn’t a blame game, Brian.  What Justin did is not your fault; just like Prom wasn’t your fault.  Should you have done things differently?  Yes.  Fuck, yes.  We both know it.  Justin had been teetering on the brink for a long while; Michael’s words were the final straw, and they tipped him over the edge.  Do I blame Michael?  Yes and no; he is a grown man who has an unhealthy obsession with you that results in him thinking that he has the right to dictate your life.  He has always viewed Justin as a threat, but even he couldn’t have known that his words would result in Justin trying to take his own life.”

Alex paused when Brian closed his eyes and flinched; Brian Kinney, the Stud of Liberty Avenue whose face was always a blank wall that kept the masses guessing, was gone at that moment.  The man who sat in his kitchen at five-thirty AM was unable to hide the pain that twisted his features at the mere thought of what Justin had done.  And in seeing that pain, Alex felt the first slow tendril of hope blossom and unfurl in his chest; it was unethical, and oh so wrong, but Alex wasn’t beyond using any avenue of assistance if it meant helping his patients.

“Brian…we never know what will tip a person over the edge,” he said quietly.  “In Justin’s case, it could have been anything.  After your break up, he was already in free fall and clinging to the brink of the cliff by his fingertips when he had that encounter with Michael.  It’s just sheer, bad luck that it was Michael’s words that had Justin let go of the edge and plummet.  But it’s also why Justin won’t allow any of the family back in now.  I honestly believe that Justin doesn’t want them to choose between Michael and himself, because he thinks that he won’t be picked.

“You have to remember, Brian, that Justin has been severely injured – he was fortunate that he didn’t die after the bashing.  But it wasn’t only his hand that suffered permanent damage – his brain did, too.  And in suffering the brain injury, Justin’s ability to brush aside Michael’s spitefulness was gone.  Michael’s words struck a chord inside of Justin; so, instead of coming out swinging like he would have done at any other time when Michael was belittling him, they only served to reinforce Justin’s insecurities and to strengthen the walls that he has built around himself. 

“All we can do now is try to pull Justin’s walls down and get him out of the dark and back onto firm ground.  Because the other thing you have to understand is this; Justin’s still in free fall – he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet.  And when he does, it’s going to be really unpleasant.  I can put all the safety nets I have beneath him to soften that fall, but I fear it may not be enough.  Justin is fighting me every step of the way, Brian – he just doesn’t believe anyone cares what he does.”

Brian shook his head slightly.

“I don’t understand,” Brian said quietly as he chewed on the edge of his bottom lip.  “Surely he knows how much everyone loves him...how much I…when did it start to go wrong?  What made him give up?  He fought tooth and nail to be with me, and then he just…”

Alex shook his head slightly when Brian broke off and sucked his lips into his mouth.

“I think, and remember, Brian, these are only my thoughts, but I think that Justin believes that his love is toxic.”

“What do you mean?” Brian stammered as Alex licked his lips.

“I mean, that Justin believes that everyone that he loves will eventually turn against him.  He loved his father, but his father kicked him out when he was still a child.  He loved Daphne, but she changed the dynamics of their friendship when she asked Justin to be her first.  He loved your family, and they turned their backs on him without anyone uttering a single word in his defense.”

Alex looked at Brian for a long moment before he spoke quietly. 

“He loved you… and you publicly fucked the personification of his pain.”

Brian could only shake his head in dismay as Alex smiled wryly.

“I know you…defaced his artwork when he was creating the comic book with Michael.  I know that you set it right by reprinting all the hours of work that you had destroyed.  But did you really think that made up for it, Brian?  You of all people should know how much he struggles to even produce his art.  That struggle was made even worse because of the subject matter.  He was trying to deal with the bashing, in his own way; he told me that no one would talk about it with him, that they shut him down repeatedly and told him that he had to get over it.  In creating this comic, he was trying to do that.  And you pissed all over it.  In Justin’s eyes, you pissed all over him; over everything that he was struggling with and hurting over.  Reprinting the pages?  It meant nothing to him, Brian.  It was just paper and computer ink.  Like him, the originals were gone, and in its place was a copy.  But instead of telling you this, he once again buried it. 

“You want to know when Justin stopped trying, the moment in which you began to lose him?  That was the moment, Brian.  That’s when Justin looked at you and started to think that he meant nothing to you.  Then you ignored his birthday because you don’t celebrate birthdays, only achievements.  But was it not an achievement in your eyes that he survived to even see another birthday?  And those are actually Justin’s words, not mine.  It snowballed from there, Brian.  The final straw for your relationship was when you fucked Rage.

“I’m sure, that in your eyes, you were fucking yourself.  Throwing Justin off the Kinney cliff and into Ethan’s waiting arms – all very self-sacrificing, because you could see that he wasn’t happy.  But in Justin’s eyes, Brian, you weren’t doing that.  You cut him so deeply when you fucked the very image he had created in trying to deal with the bashing, that I fear it has damaged some integral part of him.  That’s why he left Babylon with Ethan that night.  That’s why he left you.  Because you relied too strongly on him to read your feelings, instead of hiding behind the great Kinney walls and being strong enough to tell him how you felt in actual words that he could understand.  So, he stopped trying.”

Brian could only wheeze out a breath of air as he stared at Alex.  Glancing at his watch, Alex rose after patting Brian on the shoulder.

“Now, you have two choices here, Brian, and then I really must ask you to go, or I’m going to run horribly late for work.  Choice one – go home, forget about Justin, and go back to being Brian fucking Kinney.  Go and fuck every ass you come across.  You’ll live your life; you’ll drink and take drugs and never again form another meaningful relationship.  And one day, you’ll die.  Alone.  And on that day, you’ll wonder what the hell had you done with your life.”

“And choice two?” Brian managed, and Alex smiled slightly.   

“Ah, that’s the harder choice.  But I need to ask you a question before I present that choice to you, Brian.  Are you willing to answer that question?”

Brian swallowed hard and tilted his head slightly.  Alex narrowed his eyes and leaned into Brian’s space.  And when he spoke, his tone demanded nothing but honesty.

“Do you love him?” 

The words wouldn’t come; unlike Debbie who had taken his silence as an answer, Alex was asking him to use his ‘actual words’. 

“Yes.”

It came out strangled, and barely audible.  And when Alex tilted his head and stared at him unflinchingly, Brian wondered if he would even be able to recognize himself when it was all over.  

“Is he worth fighting for?”

Brian could only nod, and Alex pursed his lips before he spoke.

“Choice two means going home, having a shower, and going to work.  It means having to examine the how’s and why’s of where your relationship with Justin went wrong.  It means having to examine all aspects of your life, to make certain that this never happens again.  It means tearing yourself open and seeing what is inside of yourself, without knowing in the end if Justin will even come back to you.  It means hanging on, Brian, after he’s already let go.  So again, I ask; is he worth fighting for?  Do you love him enough to fight for him?  Because that is what this will be.  A fight to rewire Justin’s thinking.  To show him that his thought processes are wrong.  That he is loved and wanted and needed.  It’s a fight to save his life, Brian.  His life, and ultimately, your own.”

Squeezing Brian’s shoulder, Alex glanced at his watch again and gestured towards his front door.

“I really have to insist, Brian, that if you want to talk further, you make an appointment and see me during business hours.  Take the time to think about what we have discussed this morning.  And let me know, if you decide to go with choice one.  If you do, there will be no further harm coming to Justin from you and your family, simply because I won’t tell him that we have discussed this.  But if choice two is your decision?  Then I’ll do my best to help you help him.”

Brian stood up and followed Alex to the front door; pausing on the threshold, Alex glanced at Brian.

“I won’t lie to you, Brian – this won’t be easy.  He won’t make it easy for you like he did when you were first together.  For the first time in your life, you are going to have to chase after someone who is going to run for cover the minute they lay eyes on you.  You are going to have to use your words, rather than fuck him through the mattress to convey to him how you feel.  You are going to have to get to know the new Justin, and you are going to have to allow him to know you; not the public persona you have shown every fag on Liberty, but the man who hides inside – the man who went to Justin’s Prom.  So take your time to think about your choices.”

Brian nodded silently and slipped out into the early morning light.  Alex watched as Brian tucked his hands into his pockets and walked away with a lowered head.  As Brian vanished into the park, Alex closed his door and wondered if he was strong enough as a therapist to even help the two men find their way back to one another, or if he was just setting them up for further pain.