Hey guys, I hope this finds you all well. I'm heading off for Christmas with my family in the morning, so I wanted to get this posted tonight so that I could wish those of you who celebrate, a very Merry Christmas. I hope you all enjoy your day, and I'll think of you all as I eat seafood, and drink cold beer and sweat my ass off under the Aussie sun, lol! Seriously though, stay safe, and enjoy the moment - I know I will. Much love, Kerri. xx
7.
Daphne tugged her keys out of her pocket and carefully opened the front door with her right hand while balancing the tray of coffees in her left. How Justin had once managed to do this on a daily basis at the diner without dropping shit left, right, and center was beyond her; she struggled with the coffees and opening their front door! Nudging her bag through the open door with her foot, she let out a breath when she was able to set the carrier down on the small table inside the door, which she closed and locked behind her.
Daphne looked about the small apartment she shared with Justin as she hung her coat up; it was bright and cheerful thanks to the eclectic assortment of knickknacks she and Justin had collected over the last three months. Retrieving the coffees, she walked through the living room and headed down the short corridor to Justin’s room; nudging open the door, Daphne let her eyes adjust to the dark room before heading towards the bed.
She and Justin had hung a thick blanket across the window to block out all light when Justin had first moved in; his migraines had come back in full force that first month, and they had left the blanket up just in case another one should occur. Even the slightest hint of light could leave him feeling like Chris Hobbs had just smashed his skull in with a baseball bat again. So, while the dark was great for his headaches, it could make navigating the mess of his room a total bitch.
Stepping over his sneakers, and skirting around a tangled pair of jeans, Daphne sank down onto the edge of Justin’s bed with a sigh as she placed the coffee carrier down on the nightstand. She loved living with Justin - he was easier to get along with than her last roommate had been - and he tended to keep his mess contained in his room. The only thing she didn’t love about living with Justin was rousing him after he had worked late – he tended to wake up grumpy, but she had learned when they had been younger how to deal with that charming trait of his: Grande-sized coffee cups.
Justin was an unmoving lump under the blankets; reaching out, Daphne snagged the edge of the duvet and tugged it back slightly. The sight that greeted her had Daphne biting back her laughter, but she couldn’t contain the broad smile that crossed her face. Justin was sleeping on his stomach; blond hair heavily tousled and half covering his face, he snored lightly even as his nose wrinkled, and he began to pat the mattress as he searched for the edge of the cover that Daphne had pulled away.
Daphne grinned when he found it and promptly pulled it back over his head, and she laughed softly. She heard the soft mumble that was muffled, and gently tugged the blankets back enough to slip into the bed when he rolled onto his side. She had sufficient time to see sleepy blue eyes peering at her before Justin pulled the bedding up over their heads and tugged her into his arms. Knowing their routine, Daphne rolled over and wiggled back into the curve of Justin’s body as he closed his arms around her.
It was warm and dark, and Daphne ignored the morning wood that poked at the curve of her ass; she had slept in the same bed with Justin more in the last three months than the previous sixteen years, and had grown accustomed to the way Justin needed to cuddle in the mornings. Besides… he might be a man before he was gay, but just like when you dropped a container of glitter on the carpet, the fact that he was gay was never gonna go away!!
Daphne huffed out a soft sound of laughter at the thought; she had told Justin that one afternoon, and had made reference to how his blonde hair, slim build, and foul temper reminded her of another small fairy. That nickname had been struck from her lips forever when Justin had pinned her down and tickled her until she threatened to pee all over him. The memory still made her grin, and when Justin snuggled in closer to her and buried his face in her hair, she giggled again.
“What are you laughing about? It’s early…” he mumbled, and Daphne grinned when she heard the pout he no doubt was wearing clearly being broadcast through the petulant tone of his voice.
“Nothing, Tinkerbell,” she said under her breath, and then bit back a squeal when Justin dug his fingers warningly into her ribs. “Sorry! Shit, sorry, I’m sorry!” She’d forgotten that he had the hearing of a bat, and when his fingers relaxed back over her stomach, Daphne settled into the comfort of his embrace.
They lay there in companionable silence; while Ethan and Sam were brilliant at pulling Justin out of his funk and making him talk things through, it was always Daphne that he sought physical comfort from. He had formed the habit of either pulling her into his bed for morning cuddles if he had slept well the night before, or crawling into her bed in the middle of the night when he had a nightmare.
Daphne hid the wince that wanted to make her body twitch; she might have lost this side of Justin if she hadn’t pulled her head out of her ass while they were still in high school. Never again would she mistake the difference between the love they shared as friends, and the romantic love she had momentarily wanted from him. Even thinking about that period of insanity made her blush. Forcing it from her mind, she trailed her fingertips lightly over Justin’s hand and spoke softly.
“What are your plans for today?”
Justin huffed in annoyance, but answered the question regardless.
“School. Class at eleven. Lunch with Ethan and Sam at two. Class at three. Then nothing. Lather, rinse, and repeat.”
Daphne laughed softly, and when Justin loosened his arms, she rolled over so that they were facing each other. Reaching out, she gently drew the tip of her finger down the bridge of his nose, and when Justin opened his eyes only to have them promptly cross when she re-stroked his nose, Daphne started laughing when he batted her hand away from his face.
“Piss off, Daph,” he growled, and Daphne grinned when he snapped his teeth at her when she tapped the tip of his nose.
“Tell me something good,” Justin whispered after a while, and Daphne reached for his hand and laced their fingers together.
His question had become part of their morning routine, no matter whose bed they were in. Sometimes Daphne would tell him something funny in an effort to coax a smile onto his face. Other times, she told him something helpful to remind him that there was light in the darkness that surrounded him. Hidden in the safety of their respective beds, under the warm darkness of their blankets, Daphne could see that Justin was trying to fight his way back every day; this was her way of helping him do that.
“I got hit on at the coffee shop this morning,” Daphne confessed, and when Justin raised his eyebrow in question, she grinned. “By an absolutely gorgeous guy; shiny brown hair, striking blue eyes, and a matching set of dimples. He told me that I was really pretty, and asked me if I would like to bite his cookie?”
Justin snickered in response, and when Daphne snorted, he shook his head.
“His pickup line could use some work,” Justin murmured, and Daphne shrugged.
“Oh, I dunno; I told him that when he got out of diapers to come and take me out on a date. He said that if Dora wasn’t available, he’d take me to Chucky Cheese. He figured that he should be potty trained by the time he was three.”
For a half a minute, Justin’s face creased in confusion; but his husky laughter echoed between them as Daphne’s final comment made sense. But even as he laughed, she could see the sadness that dulled his eyes, and she mentally kicked herself when she realized that by bringing up the cute kid, she had made him think of Gus, and indirectly, Brian.
Gus was the one person that Justin missed without question; he had fallen head over heels in love with the little boy, and would spend hours lying on his stomach drawing portraits of him – with perfectly detailed eyelashes and the curve of his chin, Justin’s drawings had shown just how much Gus looked like his father. Even now, even after leaving drawings of Brian and his family behind him, there would be days where Daphne would come home and find Justin drawing that innocent face, while pain seeped out of his body like a physical entity.
Rolling out of bed, Daphne reached for the two coffees, and as he pushed the blankets away and rose onto his elbow, she handed Justin his without further comment. There was no need – Justin mumbled his thanks and then moaned as he took a small taste of the caramel mocha. Sipping her own coffee, Daphne regarded Justin silently; although there was a sleepy pout on his face, his eyes were clear this morning. There wasn’t any evidence of disturbed sleep, and Daphne relaxed slightly.
“You got any plans tonight?” Justin asked, and Daphne shook her head slightly.
“Just a date with the books for a while after dinner,” she said, and Justin grimaced.
“Dating a book doesn’t get you laid, Daph,” he said, and when the corner of his lips curved slightly, Daphne smiled back at him when he tucked his hair behind his ear and peered up at her.
“Sam’s playing at a bar on campus if you wanna come,” Justin said finally. “Maybe we could listen to a set or two, and then go dancing; we both have late classes tomorrow, and I’m not working tonight.”
Daphne smiled as Justin reached out and toyed with her fingertips; when Justin went dancing on his own, it always ended with him in tears after he spent the night fucking and being fucked. But when he went out with Daphne, he didn’t go looking for tricks. Oh, they always found him, but Daphne couldn’t remember a time since they had moved in together that Justin had left her on the dance floor to go and get his dick sucked.
“Will Sam and Ethan be joining us?” she asked, and Justin shrugged as he nudged her off his bed and rose to his feet.
“Dunno; I’ll ask them at lunch.”
Daphne nodded as Justin picked his drink up and moved towards the living room. Following him, Daphne watched as Justin slumped down onto the couch and lit a smoke. Leaving him to enjoy his first hit of nicotine, Daphne headed into the kitchen; Justin sighed when she returned to his side and handed him his pills. She watched as he stared at the tablets that lay in the center of his palm, before he blew out a helpless sounding breath.
There were two different tablets for his allergies. An anti-spasmodic for the tremors in his hand. Two multivitamin capsules, because, hello! Justin needed all the help he could get when he ate Pop Tarts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and considered it a well-rounded meal. And as Daphne watched him, he nudged the tablets around until he was staring down at the much-hated antidepressant. Raising his eyes to meet her steady gaze, Justin’s lips settled into an unhappy line.
“Justin… we’ve been over this,” Daphne said gently, and Justin frowned but popped the pills into his mouth and swallowed them down without comment.
It was only when his gaze slid back to hers that Daphne smiled and held up both hands.
“Strawberry or brown sugar?” she asked, brandishing the Pop Tarts in question, and Justin wrinkled his nose.
“No chocolate or caramel?” he asked, and when Daphne grimaced, he deliberately pouted until she laughed and nodded.
“Which one, you big baby?” she asked, and Justin tilted his head thoughtfully as he absently rubbed his stomach.
“One of each,” he said finally, and when Daphne turned towards the cupboard to put the other boxes away, Justin called her name quickly.
“Daph? One of each, yeah?”
When Daphne’s jaw dropped, Justin shrugged sheepishly.
“I’m hungry,” he said by way of explanation.
For the first time in a long time, when Daphne’s bright laughter lit up the kitchen, she heard the huskier tones of Justin’s laughter joining with hers, and it was the sweetest melody she had ever heard. Shaking her head, Daphne set about toasting the four different Pop Tarts as she quickly blinked back the tears that threatened to form.
She didn’t care that she would be feeling sick within the hour after the sugar-laden breakfast she shared with Justin hit her stomach. Justin couldn’t see it yet, but she had the feeling that the antidepressants were beginning to work. She couldn’t remember the last time Justin had asked for this many Pop Tarts – she usually had to fight him to even eat one. And as the scent of artificial strawberry perfumed the air, Daphne thought that the future was beginning to smell sweeter than it had in a long time.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Justin stared at the painting before him as he nibbled at the corner of his lip. He had thought long and hard about what Ethan had said to him last night while they were in the studio, and he found that he did still believe in romance and love. Not for himself, but for other people; the thought of opening himself up to a person made him feel physically ill. But for other people… Ethan and Sam were an example of that love; while they were both musicians and they were both brunets, they were as different as night and day.
Ethan lived, breathed, and bled classical music. Justin had seen him play until his hands cramped and he could no longer hold the violin. He loved to compose new music, and his talent was so great that Justin had found himself listening to and enjoying the sounds that Ethan could produce with his bow. With his curly hair and dark, brooding eyes, Ethan would look tragically beautiful on his CD covers when they eventually came out.
But Ethan’s music and violin weren't all there was to the boy; Ethan had a very dry sense of humor, and came across as condescending until you got to know him. He was kind and loyal and loved his friends without limit. He loved romance, and Justin had shared in many a floor picnics during their friendship. It had been Ethan’s idea for Justin to prepare a picnic at home in an effort to talk to Brian when things had really started to get to him.
Justin snorted softly as he continued to look at the painting. Ethan had told him back then to go home and prepare to be honest with Brian – to admit to him how unhappy he was, and that he was thinking about seeing someone through school regarding the bashing. They both knew how that idea had turned out – Brian had turned him down flat before Justin could even open his mouth. When Ethan had seen him the following day, and Justin had told him what had happened, he hadn’t been able to apologize enough.
Licking his lips absently, Justin added a hint of white paint to the canvas before turning his thoughts to Sam. If Ethan was the day, then Sam was most definitely the night. While Ethan played his violin with remarkable talent, Sam could coax the most beautiful sounds out of his guitar. Multitalented, he could and did play both acoustic and electric guitar with a skill that would lead him to world tours; yet he could also coax the most mournful sounds out of a piano too. All that musical talent, and that was before he even opened his mouth.
Ethan often joked that God had been in such awe of creating Sam that he forgot to give Ethan the same vocal ability that Sam had when he sang. Deep and raspy, Sam held the audience in the palm of his hand when he sang on stage with the band he had formed since attending PIFA. Dark hair that he tended to wear in messy waves, bright green eyes, and covered in a dizzying array of grey wash tattoos, Sam was not only talented, but he was gorgeous to look at, too.
He was fairly laid back and relaxed, but underneath that calm demeanor, Sam had a filthy temper that was quick to ignite when he felt that one of his friends was being hurt. He was generous with his time and generous with his talent, often volunteering at the Aids Hospice and singing acoustically to bring those who were suffering some comfort. He was the one who pulled Ethan back down to Earth when his lover got too full of himself, while Ethan himself encouraged Sam to strive for greatness.
And while their separate friends didn’t always get along, Sam and Ethan continued to work at their relationship; their threesome with Justin was a testament to that. Rather than allow their mutual attraction to Justin to sow discord between them, they had been able to sit down together and talk about it. Instead of jealousy and miscommunication, they had agreed to talk it out with Justin and come to some sort of mutually satisfying conclusion. And it had been all that and more.
Justin smiled fondly at the memory and sank down onto his stool to look at the painting he had roughed out. Sam’s Fender electric guitar dominated the canvas; the black-and-blue guitar was Sam’s most prized possession, and while it was Sam’s guitar that Justin had painted, it was Ethan’s hands holding the neck of the guitar, and drawing his bow across the strings.
Pleased with how the painting was coming along, Justin carefully set the canvas aside to dry before he cleaned up his workstation. Glancing up at the clock on the studio wall, Justin swore softly when he saw that it was already past two o’clock. He was supposed to be meeting Ethan and Sam for lunch now; huffing out a sound of impatience, Justin hurried to finish cleaning up. The boys would no doubt come looking for him, and he hoped to head them off before they left the dining hall.
Grabbing his jacket and pulling it on as he left the studio, Justin tugged his beanie down over his ears as he hunched his shoulders against the cold wind and headed across campus towards the dining room. His messenger bag bounced against his thigh as he walked briskly, and all he could think about was a bowl of hot soup that would hopefully melt some of the ice that threatened to form on his nose. Intent on thoughts of food and warmth, he didn’t see the body crossing his path until he collided with it.
Firm hands grasped his upper arms and kept him upright on his feet; that almost changed when Justin registered that he was being touched by an unknown person, and he took a quick breath to settle his nerves as he looked up with the intent to apologize. The apology died unspoken on his lips, however, when he saw the hesitant look on Michael’s face.
“Hey, Justin,” Michael said softly, dropping his hands when Justin wrenched away from him and stepped out of his reach.
The two men stared at each other for a long moment, in which Michael tried to convey with his eyes how sorry he was as Justin stared at him. But then Justin exhaled a harsh breath and stepped around him without comment. He had only taken a few steps when Michael turned around and called out after him, his desperation causing his voice to rise to an unnatural level towards the end.
“Justin… do you, uh, maybe want to get a cup of coffee? Maybe we can… uh, talk?”
Turning back to face him, Justin shook his head as he stared at the other man.
“What’s there to talk about?” he asked coldly; shifting the weight of his bag on his shoulder, Justin jerked his thumb in the direction he had been heading. “My friends are waiting for me.”
“We were your friends, too, Justin,” Michael reminded him quietly, causing Justin to snort.
“You’re his friend, Michael; you were never mine,” Justin said flatly.
“I was your friend, Justin!” Michael insisted as Justin started to turn away. He took a step back when Justin laughed in disbelief as he swung to face him, anger clearly shining in his eyes.
“Bullshit, Michael! The last time I read up on friendship, nowhere in that book did it say that it was okay to betray your friends! I don’t remember reading the chapter that stated that it was okay to tell your friends that you wished they were dead!”
Michael shook his head frantically as he took a couple of steps towards Justin.
“I didn’t mean it, Justin, I swear to God, I never meant it!” Michael cried, and when he reached out to touch Justin, the blond stepped out of his reach again.
“You are such a liar!” Justin snarled, and when Michael reached out imploringly again, Justin slapped his hands away. “Don’t fucking touch me! I swear to God, Michael, if you put your hands on me, I’ll snap them off and stuff them up your ass!”
Michael wisely put his hands down, but he took another step towards Justin. He had to make Justin understand.
“Please, Justin, I was wrong! About Ethan! I was wrong! I know that now…BRIAN knows that now!”
“Oh, and that makes it all better?” Justin snapped. “What do you expect me to do here, Michael? Huh? Roll over and wait with my ass in the air, just because you know the truth? And just what truth is that exactly?”
“We know what you tried to do…how you ended up in the hospital! Brian was so upset, Justin! How could you do that to him?” Michael cried, and then abruptly fell silent when Justin’s eyes blazed.
“So, let me get this straight,” Justin began, in a voice that trembled with undiluted rage. “You played judge, jury, and executioner; you took the opportunity to get me out of your lives, something you had been trying to do since the first time he took me home and fucked me. You decided that I was guilty of cheating on a man who stuck his dick in someone else on almost a daily basis; something that you took great pleasure in shoving in my face at every opportunity! And instead of asking me about what you saw, you went behind my back and told him that I was… what? Having some grand, fucking affair?”
“I knew about the rules,” Michael said miserably, as he twisted his hands. “I knew that you had told Brian not to kiss anyone but you on the mouth, and I saw you… I saw Ethan kissing you…. and…”
“And what?” Justin hissed as he took a step towards Michael. “He agreed to the no kissing tricks, Michael. It didn’t stop him kissing you in greeting.”
“Brian’s my…”
“Yeah, yeah, your best friend,” Justin interrupted, and Michael winced when he heard the scorn in Justin’s voice. “So, because it’s him, the rules are different? You told me about his tricking, to remind me of how little I meant to him, to hurt me as often as you could. But you see my friend kissing me, and suddenly I’m, what? In love with someone else? Oh, I remember…I’m cheating! You had to save your very best friend from the ungrateful twink that was ruining his fucking life! It didn’t matter that you were wrong! It didn’t matter to you what the truth was, or how he would react to what you had told him…”
Justin swallowed as a frown crossed his face, and he licked his suddenly dry lips as he shook his head to clear it. It must have taken him a minute or two longer than he thought, because when he opened his eyes, Michael was standing right in front of him; his hands were surprisingly gentle as they gripped Justin’s, even as Michael’s voice was verging on pure panic as he called Justin’s name.
“Are you all right?” Michael urged as Justin stared at him silently. “You’re as white a ghost… do you have a headache? Do you need to sit down?”
Justin slowly and deliberately withdrew his hands from Michael’s and took a step back from him before he spoke in a voice that was devoid of any emotion.
“Don’t pretend you care, Michael… don’t act like you give a shit. Because if you did? You would have asked me what was going on with Ethan in plain terms, rather than assuming the worst of me. You would have asked me if I had anywhere to go after I left him, instead of shutting me out; I could have been living on the streets for all you cared. You wouldn’t have told me that you wished I had died in that parking garage.
“That was three months ago, Michael, and your entire family has ignored me ever since. You don’t get to come here now, and act like nothing happened just because you feel guilty. You don’t get to approach me as if the last three months hadn’t happened. You made your choice the night of the Rage launch, Michael; you all did. You wished I would disappear… that I would do you all a favor and vanish out of your lives. So, I have.”
Michael opened his mouth to speak, only to freeze when Justin stepped closer to him; so close, that the warmth of his breath kissed Michael’s face gently even as Michael stared into the iciness of Justin’s eyes.
“Now fucking live with it.”
Justin stared into Michael’s eyes; he saw that his message had been sent and received when Michael openly flinched, and allowed a cold smile to curve his lips, before he turned his back on Michael and walked away. Michael could only stand there with his heart beating an staccato rhythm in his chest. He had ignored what his mother had said about approaching Justin and had come to PIFA to apologize to him so that he could make things right with Brian. But as he watched the blond walk away with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, Michael feared that he had just made things so much worse.