9.

The Student Union bar was full; people sat together nursing drinks and smoking in the dim lighting, creating an almost intimate feel as they talked in low voices.  Sam had already completed two sets and was now taking a break, while other students offered up their own talents to fill in the void.  Sam loved playing in this particular bar – the band tended to sing a mix of their own original songs and covers of songs by other groups. People could request individual songs, and if the band knew them, they were happy to sing those, too.  But what he loved more than performing was listening to the eclectic taste of the masses – hard rock mingled with folk - and there was nothing more intoxicating than listening to a heavy metal song turned a cappella in the low lighting, when alcohol warmed the blood and the sweet smell of weed fragranced the air.

Seated together at one of the tables, Sam watched as Daphne nodded her head in time to a barely passable rendition of Fallin’ by Alicia Keys; Sam snorted to himself softly – and they called Ethan a music snob!  Glancing at his boyfriend, Sam narrowed his eyes slightly in concern; Ethan was standing at the bar with Justin.  Their heads were nearly touching as they spoke in low tones, and Sam wondered if Ethan had been able to coax Justin into telling him what had happened before he met them for lunch.  

While Justin wasn’t exactly a sparkling ray of sunshine lately, he had definitely been getting better as each day passed.  He had caught up with Justin briefly before class this morning, and he had been all right; more focused, and driven by the deep passion that he had for his art, he had appeared motivated to start the painting that had been giving him so much trouble.  What the fuck had happened between that class and lunch?  Glancing at Ethan again to make sure that he had Justin’s attention, Sam leaned over the table and spoke quietly.

“Daph, how was Justin this morning?”

Daphne raised an eyebrow as she took a sip of her drink before she, too, glanced towards Ethan and Justin.

“You noticed it, too, huh?” she queried softly, and when Sam nodded, Daphne shrugged slightly.   

“I thought that he was fine… better than fine, to be honest.  I mean, he ate four Pop Tarts, for fuck's sake!  He wasn’t happy about taking his meds, but then he never is.  He didn’t come to my room, so he slept well, and he was smiling a little before we left for school.  I just don’t know, Sam… did you see him today?” 

Sam nodded as he finished his beer, and glanced towards the bar quickly before he spoke.

“I saw him before his first class; he mentioned that he felt a little queasy, but that was because he hadn’t eaten that much in a long while; four Pop Tarts?  Did he also crawl into the bucket-sized coffee you get him every morning?” he asked, and when Daphne nodded, Sam shook his head in amazement.  “I’m surprised he wasn’t crawling up the walls backward and hissing at people due to the sugar,” Sam said with another shake of his head, and Daphne laughed softly in agreement.  “But he was fine when I saw him, Daph; he said that he felt better about the painting and that he had a solid idea of where he wanted to take it.  We confirmed our lunch plans, and then he walked into class while I bolted to my own. 

“He was late meeting up with us for lunch; that’s not unusual if he gets lost in his work.  But by then it was a very different Justin compared to the one who walked into class.  It was noticeable enough that I talked to Kellen – they take painting together, and we have classes side-by-side in the afternoon - and Kel said that Justin had been fine in class.  Maybe a little more focused than he had been of late, but that his work flowed well, and Justin had seemed really happy with it.  What did he say to you about it?”

Daphne shook her head slightly as she glanced towards the bar. 

“Nothing; that’s the problem.  I know I haven’t always been welcoming towards you and Ethan, Sam, but it’s been Justin and me on our own for so long that it is tough to open up to new people.  Especially after the last lot of new people we opened up to fucked Justin over.  But I’ve always known that when he’s at school, he’s okay because he has you and Ethan on campus.

“Ethan has more than proven loyal to Justin; I can’t tell you how many text messages I have received over the last couple of months after you guys had had lunch; just Ethan checking in with me to let me know what kind of mind frame Justin was in that day, so that I could prepare myself for when he got home.  Ethan warned me today that Justin was acting funky, and to be ready; he should get out of class by a quarter to five, be home by five-thirty, six at the latest. 

“But when I got home at four o’clock today, he was already there; he had been smoking weed for a while, so I know that he didn’t go to his second class for the day.  I tried talking to him about it, but he shut me down at every turn; it was like the last three months hadn’t happened, and we were back at Day One in the hospital.  He just didn’t want to talk – not about school, not about tonight – not about anything. 

“I rang Alex, and he said that while he wasn’t happy that Justin was using pot, at least he wasn’t drinking or using anything else.  He asked if you or Ethan knew what was going on, but I said I didn’t know.  He asked me what we were doing tonight, and said he’d swing by here or Boytoy to observe Justin.  He’d stay out of our way and only interfere if he thought that Justin was spiraling.”

Sam nodded, and then glanced towards his watch briefly.  “I have to get back up on stage,” he said.  “Try and get Justin to stick around; if he insists on going to Boytoy, we’ll come with you, or we’ll meet you there.  Safety in numbers, right?”

Daphne could only nod as she sipped her drink; but when Sam paused and reached out to settle his fingertip lightly on her hand before he stood up, she managed to give him a slightly watery smile.  The understanding in those bright, green eyes had her fighting back her tears, and Sam lowered his head to brush his lips over her brow before he walked away.

Daphne blew out a steadying breath as she watched Sam leave; long legs, with lean, muscled arms from hours of holding and playing his guitar, and a smile that rivaled Justin’s when Sam could be coaxed into giving it to you.  It seemed that all cute guys she met lately were gay; glancing over her shoulder briefly at Justin, Daphne sighed as she watched Ethan brush his hand down over Justin’s back before he stood up and left the blond sitting alone at the bar.

Ethan shouldered his way through the crowd and sank into the seat Sam had left.  Handing Daphne a refill of her soft drink without comment, he took a deep swallow of his own before he shook his head at the question he saw lingering in Daphne’s direct gaze.

“He’s twisting between sadness and outright anger,” was all he said.

The silence between them became heavy, and Daphne shifted in her seat slightly as she leaned across the table.

“Ethan… it’s not your fault.  You do know that, right?” she asked, and Ethan shrugged slightly as he glanced towards the bar.

The tightness around his lips relaxed slightly when he caught sight of a familiar head of silver hair bobbing and weaving through the crowd; gesturing with his glass, Ethan toasted Alex’s appearance silently before he glanced at Daphne.

“No, it’s not my fault.  It’s not mine or yours or Justin’s fault; it is what it is, Daphne, and it’s an ugly bastard that we are trying to help him deal with.  He won’t tell me what happened today; he said he has to learn how to handle the shit life throws at him, while hoping that none of it sticks.”

Daphne smiled slightly and shook her head as the opening riffs of music cut through the air when Sam began to play.

“At least he wasn’t using the lemons one again,” she said, raising her voice to be heard, and Ethan laughed outright.

“Do you remember the first time he used that one?” he asked, and Daphne nodded as her lips stretched into a smile.

“When life hands you lemons, throw them back at the bastard and demand a fucking refund!” they both quipped, and as their laughter spilled out and joined together, they looked at each other and for the first time, felt at ease with each other; the moment was broken by the sound of Sam’s voice, and Daphne glanced over at Justin again as Ethan looked towards his boyfriend, all the while hoping that everything was going to be all right.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin sat with his back towards his friends and ran the tip of his finger around the rim of his glass.  He had felt the concerned glances he was getting from Daphne and Sam while Ethan had spoken to him, and now he could feel the weight of Ethan’s and Daphne’s eyes upon him again.  He knew they were worried; he knew that he had given them cause for concern over the last three months.  But he liked to think he had grown as a person since leaving Brian.  Had grown up and changed, was still growing and evolving.  Wasn’t that the whole purpose of life?

Seeing Michael today had rattled him; he could be honest with himself about that, even if he hadn’t been able to tell Ethan the truth.  It had brought back every feeling that he had been so desperately trying to overcome – the feelings of helplessness and disillusionment, and the constant burn of humiliation as he learned that he wasn’t enough to make the man that he loved happy; there had to be something innately wrong with him.  His love had caused Brian to pull away from him, no matter what he had tried to make him happy.

And God, he had loved Brian.  Loved him beyond all reason and doubt, had twisted himself into the person that he thought Brian wanted him to be until that love had all but destroyed him.  It had never been about the tricking; Justin scowled and shook his head slightly.  Honesty.  He had to be honest, not only with those around him but with himself, too.  The tricking had bothered him; not when they had agreed beforehand and done so together – that had been hot. 

But when he would come home from a twelve-hour shift at the diner, exhausted from pretending to be okay all day, needing solitude more than he needed to draw his next breath, only to find Brian in the loft fucking someone else, that’s when he hated tricking, and everything that it stood for.  Hated that he would stand under the scalding heat of the shower to feel a different kind of pain; hiding the tears that he could no longer fight back under the steaming water.  Trying desperately to figure out what was wrong with himself as a person that the man he loved found it impossible to keep his tricks out of the home that they shared.  Having to smell the scent of sex in the air, and seeing the amused expression that Brian never hid when faced with Justin’s own humiliation. 

Picking his glass up, Justin swallowed the last of his ginger ale and sighed softly as he tilted the empty glass in his hands so that it caught the light and shimmered.  The artist inside himself rejoiced at the colors that spun across the surface of the glass, while the man he had become made the connection between the emptiness of the glass and his own life.  He was torn out of that depressing thought when a warm body settled into the seat Ethan had left, and a voice spoke.

“Buy you another one?”

Glancing to his left, Justin exhaled steadily as he shook his head when he saw Alex sitting beside him.

“No, thanks,” he said quietly as he set the glass back down on the bar. 

They sat in companionable silence as the music played around them; Justin facing the bar and tracing the rim of his empty glass, while Alex leaned back on the bar and watched Sam sing and perform on stage.  When Daphne had called him that afternoon, Alex had been waiting for her call; after listening to Brian rant on the phone for a solid twenty minutes about what Michael had done, Alex had done some soul searching, but his decision still wasn’t sitting well with him at this point. 

“What are you thinking about?” Alex finally asked when it became apparent that Justin was content to let the silence linger between them, and Justin shrugged.

“I'm seeing you tomorrow, Alex; can we talk then?” Justin said bluntly, and Alex turned slightly so that he was looking at Justin’s profile.

“That depends, Justin.”

“On?” Justin asked, and Alex leaned a little closer to him.

“Whether or not you’re going to let Michael Novotny rattle you to the point that you go on a pain management binge after confronting the little bastard at school today.”

Only the quick lift of Justin’s eyebrows showed his surprise, and he laughed softly.  When he glanced at Alex, he shook his head as a slightly bitter smile twisted his lips.

“Let me guess; he went running back to him to tell tales about what a prick I am,” he said mockingly as he looked down at his hands.

“Pretty much,” Alex said quietly as he took a sip of the whiskey that was set down in front of him.

“So how did… Michael find out?” Justin asked, and Alex silently applauded him for the level of calm that Justin was showing, even as his slight hesitation revealed that he was thinking about whether or not Brian man had asked about him.

“Emmett was the one who ending up telling Brian, Justin,” Alex said gently.  “And from what I understand, Brian went to Debbie, who filled him in on what has been happening for the last three months since you parted company.  The rest of the family was called in after that.”

“Fuck.”

Alex winced slightly as Justin breathed the word out; he could see the tension that had filled the boy when Brian’s name was mentioned, and as he watched, a visible tremor rolled down Justin’s spine.  Justin shook his head to push whatever he was feeling away before tucking his hair behind his ear.

“So they all know?” he asked tentatively, and when Alex nodded, Justin glanced at him before he pursed his lips and shook his head resolutely.

“Well, you can tell them what I told Michael – they chose to shut me out when I left… after Rage,” Justin broke off and sighed heavily as he dropped his gaze back to the bar.  “Them knowing changes nothing – I don’t want to speak to any of them,” he said finally.

“Not even for closure?  To tell them that they betrayed you?  Hurt you?  To tell them once and for all to fuck off out of your life?” Alex asked, and Justin snorted.

“Why, when they taught me that silence was so much more effective?  It speaks volumes when there aren’t any words left to say, Alex; why waste my breath, when I’ve said all there is?  I wasn’t good enough to be their friend then, Alex – now they’re not enough for me.  So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m here with my friends.”

Alex reached out and grasped Justin’s arms as the blond left his seat, and they locked eyes for a long moment.  Alex searched Justin’s steady gaze; he saw the repressed anger that Justin felt shining brightly, but despondency still lurked in his eyes.  Tightening his grip for a moment, Alex finally nodded when Justin’s mouth tightened.

“Justin, let me impart some knowledge that was once shared with me when I was younger,” Alex said finally.  “*Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.*  Remember…you’ve fought too fucking hard for the progress you have made to throw it all away; please be careful,” and Justin paused before he gave a tiny nod and walked away without another word.

Alex tossed back the shot of whiskey in his glass before he slipped out of the bar and headed towards his car.  Pulling out his cell phone, he scrolled through the numbers until he found the one he was after and pressed send.  Alex slipped into his car and started the engine as the call was connected; it barely had time to ring once on the other end before it was answered, and Alex spoke flatly.

“You were right to be worried, Brian; Michael showing up at school today has thrown Justin for a loop.”

“Fuck!  He was fucking told to stay away…we ALL were!  What did Justin say?”

Alex sighed as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel before he shook his head.

“It’s never what Justin says, Brian,” he said finally.  “It’s what he does.  You taught the boy well.”

The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening, and when Brian finally spoke again, it was with tightly controlled anger.

“Pain management…right?  You told me that I had nothing on him when it came to pain management.  So will it be drinking or drugs?”

Alex shook his head as he debated as to whether or not to potentially break Justin’s trust in him, by informing his former lover just how far his boy had fallen into his depression, considering it was a gross violation of patient/doctor confidentiality as well.

 “I told you, Brian, that if you are in, that if you think that Justin is worth fighting for, then you have to get to know the new Justin,” he said at last.  “You see, the new Justin is on potent antidepressants; he can’t drink or take drugs.  The hardest thing he has used since I put him on them is pot, which he used today thanks to the man who calls himself your best friend.  No, Justin doesn’t do either – he fucks his way through Boytoy, which reinforces just how worthless he feels – merely another piece of blond boy ass.”

“I don’t understand,” Brian said after a moment.  “Justin loves fucking; he always loved to top the beefy guys who thought he was nothing more than a pretty twink.”

Alex laughed bitterly before he finally sighed.

 “Brian… I never said that Justin only tops,” he said quietly, and closed his eyes in defeat when he heard Brian’s breath clearly hitch on the other end of the phone.

“While he was with you, other than two times that I know of and have spoken to him about, he only ever bottomed for you,” Alex said gently as he listened to Brian’s difficult breathing.  “He topped every other man he ever fucked, Brian.  In Justin’s eyes, while he was happy fucking other men, he would only ever bottom for YOU – it made him feel like he was faithful in some way.  It was why he had such a hard time with the tricking towards the end of your relationship. 

“But he’s not with you anymore.  Brian… If you get told something often enough, such as you’re only a convenient piece of ass or a trick that won’t go away, you start to believe it.  What made him different from any other trick?  The fact that you fucked only him in the place you lived together?  Oh, that’s right – you didn’t fuck just him at the place he called home – no locks, right?  Just a convenient piece of blonde boy ass,” Alex said softly and then winced when the sound of shattering glass echoed down the phone line.    

For several minutes, Alex listened to Brian breathe on the other end of the phone without speaking.  And when Brian finally did talk, Alex could hear the strain in his voice as he pushed the words out.

“His version of pain management is to turn himself into what he thinks I saw him as…isn’t it?  That’s what you’re trying to say.  He’s punishing himself by having sex, by taking something that he loved doing, and twisting it so that it hurts him…right?”

Alex’s breath shuddered out, and it was his turn to force the words out.

“Brian… it more than hurts him.  I can’t tell you any more than that without completely betraying him, but it more than hurts him.”

This time it was Brian’s breathing that shuddered out, and the silence between the two men grew thick with tension as Alex stared at the bar.  

“Times up, Kinney; are you in or out?” Alex demanded, breaking the silence.  “Are you ready to fight for him?  Because he is going to fight you every step of the way, Brian.  Every single step.  There will be days where you wonder what the fuck you are doing, and why.  You’ll think you aren’t getting anywhere, and that you are going backwards before you even realize that you might still lose him. 

“Are you ready to sit down in his therapy sessions and listen to him tear himself apart?  Are you prepared to hear what being your partner has reduced him to?  Are you ready to listen to him try to comprehend why the people he has left in his life want to be there?  Are you prepared to see the damage Michael’s words have done?  The damage your words have done?  Because I’m telling you now, Brian, if you are in, then you have to be entirely in.

“You can’t do this half-assed; conversations at Woody's when you are drunk?  They aren’t going to cut it here.  Do you love him enough to examine yourself and find out why your relationship failed the way it did?  Are you willing to compromise on that relationship, instead of it being an unstable power play between a man and a boy?   Is he worth ripping yourself open for?”

For a long-drawn-out moment, the connection between them remained silent.  So silent, that Alex thought Brian had hung up.

“He’s worth it.”      

 Alex let out a shuddering exhale of air at the barely audible words that Brian gritted out before he turned his car back off.

“Then I suggest you get ready to fight for him.  I’m at The Student Union; it’s a bar at PIFA.  Justin’s here with his friends; I don’t know how much longer they’ll stay here before they head over to Boytoy.  But I want you to actually see Justin; to watch him, and gain an insight into who he is as a person now.”

Alex smiled grimly when Brian hung up the phone without further comment; he had heard the rapid footfalls that had shown Brian had already been on the move when Alex had told him which bar he was at.  All he could do now was toss the hand he held in the air, and wait for the pieces to fall. 

*Quote by C.S. Lewis.