Hi, Guys, sorry for the delay in posting. My mum had a fall seven weeks ago, and broke a bone in her neck, lower back, and she also fractured her pelvis. So, I have spent the last seven weeks, running between home, work, my kids, and the hospital. She’s due to come home next week, so I am hoping things settle down a little bit. So, thanks for your patience, and thanks to Kim for beta-ing for me at a busy time in her life, and thanks to Karynn for being a much-needed shoulder to lean on. Love to you all. xx 

30.

The diner was half empty.  The morning rush was over; those who ate and ordered coffee before starting their work day were long gone as he sat alone in the booth they had long ago claimed as ‘theirs’.  Michael pushed his empty plate to the side and lifted his mug to finish the last dregs of his coffee.  Ben had already left for work, and his Ma was doing the afternoon shift this week.  Tracing his fingertips over the scratched surface of the table, he blew out a steadying breath; short of discovering a time machine, the days of breakfast with the gang were finished.

Gone were the days where Brian’s sarcasm would intermingle with Emmett’s catty remarks as the two friends argued over breakfast.  Gone were the amused looks he would exchange with Ted as Emmett rolled his eyes, while Brian pushed his tongue into the side of his mouth with pleasure dancing in his eyes.  Gone was the pretty blond youth who would bounce up to their table with a grin on his face and a kiss for Brian before he took their orders.  All gone, because he had been so unbelievably cruel.

Michael swallowed hard as his thoughts drifted to Justin.  He could and had made all the excuses in the world for his behavior towards the young man, but when it came down to it, there were no excuses that would make what he had said and done forgivable.  Even then, all those months ago, he knew he had crossed the line when he had spoken to Justin after the Rage party, telling the young man that Brian should have left him lying there after Chris Hobbs had bashed him.

The look on Justin’s face still haunted Michael; his already pale face had turned grey, and although his lips had parted, no sound had come out.  In the seconds that followed, all Michael had been able to hear was the pounding of his own heart, and the breaking of Justin’s.  Michael had opened his mouth – to say what, he’d never know – but the blond had pushed past him and had hurried back into the diner, while Michael had slumped against the wall and tried to catch his breath.

When he learned that Justin had walked out afterwards, Michael had tried to believe that what he had said was justifiable.  Brian had been a falling-down mess, trying to act like it didn’t matter that Justin had walked out on him at the Rage launch.  But having been friends with the other man for over half their lives, Michael knew when Brian was putting on an act.  It was the way those unhappy hazel eyes had swept the diner each time he walked into the eatery, searching for the blond he had broken all his rules for.  He had continued looking for him, even after learning that Justin had quit.

Out of sight, but not out of mind – Michael had learned that Justin was never far from Brian’s thoughts in the way that he had avoided blond tricks; yet Brian had been unable to stop himself from taking a step towards one when he caught sight of them at Babylon.  After every unwilling step, he would drag a muscular brunet, instead, into the backroom and try to fuck his feelings away.  And with each trick, the guilt that Michael carried grew heavier.  Because it wasn’t the alarming amount of tricking that Brian had done in the months that followed.  It was the aftermath of that tricking that had been the hardest thing to observe.

It was in the way that Brian had whispered Justin’s name each time that Michael made sure that he got home safely after trying to wipe himself out at Babylon.  Tucking his friend into bed, Michael would feel the guilt he carried bite down hard on his emotions as Brian slid a seeking hand across the sheets towards the empty side of the bed that Justin had claimed as his own; blindly searching for the slim body that had once lain there.  It was in the single grey sock that Brian kept tucked neatly within his own sock drawer, and the glimmer of gold that he toyed with when he thought no one was looking.

In all the years that he had been friends with Brian, never had he thought that Brian would pick someone else over his friendship with him.  After all, Brian said it best - always have, always will.  Love you more than any other man.  Love you more than this, and this, and this.  He’d been wrong.  Brian had learned the truth about his lost youth, and the proverbial shit had hit the fan.  If Brian’s anger and then his icy silence hadn’t told Michael that Brian had chosen Justin, the fact that Brian had punched him did.  A man who had grown up being beaten for sport?  That alone spoke volumes.

All the apologies in the world wouldn’t change the way that Brian had looked at him that night in his mother’s kitchen and had beseeched him in that little lost boy tone to tell him that he hadn’t said the hateful words that had driven Justin to try and take his own life.  And in owning up to those words, Michael had seen just how much his spiteful actions towards Justin had hurt Brian as he watched a myriad of emotions cross Brian’s face in the seconds that followed – disbelief.  Devastation.  Horror.  Fury.

Grief – soul-crushing grief - had stolen the color from Brian’s face then, and with it, along with any compassion that Brian had ever felt towards the man who had always claimed to be his best friend.  Brian had looked at him like he was a stranger after his confession.  That look on Brian’s face was what had driven Michael to track Justin down at PIFA; he hadn’t counted on Justin’s reaction to seeing him, though.  When he thought back to that day, he still shivered when he recalled the cold anger that Justin had blasted him with.

And even though he could be dense – even though he could be ignorant of the more complex emotions that people felt – there was no ignoring just how hurt Justin had been.  That distress was what had driven him to go to Brian, where he had finally learned that all actions had consequences.  And that his actions had damaged his relationship with Brian to the point where he knew that even if Justin and Brian got back together, the relationship between the three men had forever been changed.

There would be no more dinners at Ma’s, with Brian tugging Justin into his lap and tuning out the world as he kissed the blond.  No more nights spent watching them dance together at Babylon, lost in the sound of the music and oblivious to everything but the way they looked at each other.  No more playing pool at Woody’s, watching as Brian idly played with pale hair while Justin and Ted spoke about angels and math; discussions that made it clear that Justin was much more than just a pretty face.    

There would be no more lazy afternoons spent talking about comics with Justin.  No more issues of Rage being talked over and slowly coming to life.  No more shared grins as Michael’s thoughts became images on paper.  Rage was gone.  The relationship he had been building with Justin was gone.  His fifteen-year friendship with Brian was gone.  The friendships with the other members of his ragtag family had been changed, because he had let his jealousy change them.  Not Justin.  Not Brian.  Him.  It had all come back to him.    

That realization had caused Michael to take a long, hard look at himself in the mirror; he hadn’t recognized the man who looked back at him.  He had sought help the following morning – he was still seeing Tatiana; he was still learning to be a better man.  Even if Justin one day accepted his apology, Michael knew that Brian would never forgive him for what he had said.  Hell, he didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself, either.                

He knew that Brian was in therapy with Alex, because he had overheard his mom and Uncle Vic talking about it in the kitchen one afternoon before they realized he was there.  Standing in the shadows of the hallway, Michael had listened as Uncle Vic had said that Brian should have received therapy ten years ago.  His mother had laughed softly before saying that nothing and no one would have gotten Brian into therapy any earlier; that it had taken Brian learning about how destructive his behavior had been to make the man take an honest look at himself in the mirror and realize that he didn’t like who he saw looking back at him.

Uncle Vic had asked what she meant, and his mother had sighed before she revealed how she had confronted Brian over his behavior towards Justin when the blond had first moved back in with them after the bashing.  In hushed tones, she had stated to Vic how she had told Brian that she knew he was in love with Justin; and while he hadn’t verbally agreed with her statement, he hadn’t disputed it, either.  And within hours of that conversation at Woody’s, Brian had taken Justin back home with him to the loft, where he felt that he belonged.

Michael had thought long and hard about what he had overheard; when he next saw Brian, he had made the mistake of asking how Justin was.  The rage he had seen flash in Brian’s eyes had been the only warning he had received before the man had swung at him.  Sprawled at his feet, Michael had finally realized that the friendship and loyalty that he had taken for granted were no longer in play; Brian had made his choice, and it wasn’t Michael.  It was the young blond who had bashed Brian’s walls down and made himself at home as Brian had scrambled unsuccessfully to re-erect them. 

He and Ben had gone to some of the family meetings about Justin since that night, but there was a tangible divide between Lindsay, Ben, himself, and the rest of the family; Mel had had a therapy session with Justin, as had Emmett and Ted.  And even though Uncle Vic and Ma were yet to be invited to sit in on one of those sessions, Michael knew that Justin had had dinner with them one night recently.  But it was in hearing the naked pain in the voices of the people he called family as those therapy sessions were discussed afterwards that Michael had begun to see how long-lasting his actions would be.

It was in the way that Emmett and Ted were both polite to him; but Ted was still avoiding him and could barely bring himself to meet Michael’s eyes when they were all gathered together.  And every time that Emmett looked at him, Michael could see the betrayal that Emmett felt after learning that Michael had taunted Justin with the words he had said when he had returned from Portland.  It was the disappointment on Uncle Vic’s face whenever he looked at Michael.  It was the way that his Ma couldn’t hide how much her heart had been broken when the truth had come out.

It was the frank discussion he had had with Ben, when his partner had told him that he didn’t feel like he could trust Michael anymore.  That he couldn’t connect the man he had fallen in love with, with the man who had been so cruel.  Ben’s disappointment still made Michael feel sick when he thought about it.  But the lack of trust between them now was the worst.  He knew how close he had come to losing Ben; the way he had lost Brian. 

It was in the way that Justin still refused to speak to Lindsay, and the way he had made his feelings toward Michael crystal clear when he had mistakenly thought he could approach Justin and find the same kid he had manipulated in the past.  But that kid was a man now.  And he made Brian’s walls look like cling wrap – see through and flimsy.  Gone was the warmth that Justin had once looked at him with – the humor and kinship that they had once shared.

Kinship – Justin had thought that they were friends.  But Michael had been consumed by jealousy, and unwilling to let the young man in.  He still, even now, didn’t understand what had drawn Brian to Justin.  What was it about the blond that had drawn Brian’s attention that night?  What was it about him that had kept Brian’s attention?  Michael had known that first morning that Justin was different; he had never walked in on Brian dressing a trick before.  Throwing their clothes at them while telling them to get the fuck out?  Yes.  But never nuzzling his face into the throat of one as he slipped pale, grey briefs up their thighs.

He had never seen half a dozen empty condom wrappers on the floor – evidence that he had broken his “once only” rule for a virgin trick.  And in that moment, Michael had known that Justin would turn their world upside down.  And he had.  He’d realized it only a few nights later, when he had seen Brian push two guys away from the slim, half-naked body that was covered in glitter.  And when Emmett had asked what Brian had been up to the following day, he had listened in disbelief as Brian said he had made it an early night.  He’d seen the smirk on his face, and had known that Brian had taken the blond home with him once again.

Michael sighed softly.  Brian had continued taking Justin home with him.  Resentment had burned in his veins, and he had taken to calling Justin names – horrible names that made his skin crawl with shame when he thought back on them.  But as time had gone by, he had gotten used to the fact that Justin was always two steps behind Brian.  He’d enjoyed working on the comic with Justin, and while he had been jealous of Justin’s artistic talent, he had also been really proud of it.  Proud of the comic they had created together, and proud of the fact that Justin had drawn all those panels, despite the pain in his hand.

But then he’d seen Ethan kiss Justin, and the resentment he had felt when Justin first came into their lives burned brighter than it ever had.  He hadn’t listened when Ben had warned him to stay out of it – he’d been filled with a sense of righteous indignation, and even after Justin had told him to mind his own business, he had gone running to Brian to spill his guts.  And with that final, desperate lurch to ‘save’ Brian, Michael had not only destroyed the fragile relationship between the two men, but also the shaky cliff face that Justin had been clinging to.

“You could have asked me what was going on with Ethan in plain terms, rather than assuming the worst of me.  You could have asked me if I had anywhere to go after I left him, instead of shutting me out; I could have been living on the streets for all you cared.”

By destroying the trust and relationship between Brian and Justin, Michael had isolated Justin even further than he had already been feeling.  Justin had been right; Michael hadn’t thought any further than telling Brian what he had seen.  He hadn’t thought about where Justin would go.  He hadn’t thought about the fact that he would be homeless again if Brian kicked him out.  He’d seen a way of driving a wedge between them, and had run with it.  And in doing so, the very thing that made Justin the idealistic youth who had loved Brian so openly had been changed.             

No longer was he the pretty, blond youth who bounced up to Brian for a kiss, while wearing his heart on his sleeve.  That heart had been broken and battered; Justin had tucked his heart, and the emotions he had once worn so openly, behind the walls he had erected.  The man who now lived behind that pretty face held the entire family at arm’s length out of self-preservation.  He would meet up with Ted and Emmett for lunch.  He would take Gus from Mel for weekends.  He worked with Brian.  But he wasn’t letting any of them get any closer than that.

It was Emmett who had said it best – how could Justin learn to forgive any of them, when his mind was as clouded as it was?  How could he trust any of them, when they had all let him down at one point or another?  How could he accept their help, when at the time he had needed it most, they had all ignored it?  He’d been openly bleeding pain in front of them for months before he had left Brian, and not one of them had stopped to ask him if he needed help.

Time machines don’t exist; neither do superheroes in capes and masks.  But God, Michael wished they did.  If he’d known… God.  He would never have turned Justin away when the young man had asked him if they could talk about the bashing.  That day haunted him.  He would have grown some balls and led Justin into his apartment.  Made him some tea the way Emmett did in the past when Michael had needed to vent.  And he would have listened to whatever it was that Justin had to say.

He would have been the friend that the young man had so desperately needed.  Michael paused as the thought ran through his head.  Friend.  No, that word was wrong.  He had shared a kinship with Justin; Michael winced.  He should have taken that role more seriously, instead of letting his insecurities and jealousy get the better of him.  He should have tucked Justin close, and looked after him.  Not because he was a kid, but because they shared his mother.  That made him a brother in some ways… didn’t it?  It made him family.

The realization tore something inside Michael’s chest; rubbing over the area, he steadied his breathing as the thoughts ran through his mind.  He needed to talk to Ben.  He needed to share this revelation with his partner, and try to figure out once and for all how to go about moving forward.  Pulling his wallet free to leave some money to cover their bill, Michael looked up in surprise when someone slid into the opposite side of the booth.

Todd’s face was troubled, and he smiled weakly as Michael looked at him.  It was the look on his face that kept Michael in his seat, and he tilted his head slightly as Todd opened and then closed his mouth several times before he took a deep breath and then spoke.

“Michael, I need Brian’s number.”

Michael automatically reached for Todd’s hands when he saw them shaking where they rested on the table.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, and Todd shook his head helplessly.

“I, uh… I need to speak to Brian.  I haven’t seen him here recently, and when I went by the loft this morning, he didn’t answer the door.  I couldn’t see the jeep, so, I came here.”

Michael nodded even as he gently squeezed Todd’s clammy hands.

“Are you in trouble, Todd?” he asked softly, and Todd laughed weakly.

“No… no, I’m not in trouble,” he said finally.  

“Is Brian in trouble?” Michael asked, and Todd eventually shook his head after he searched Michael’s face.

“No… it’s about Justin, Michael.”

Michael felt his back stiffen, and he licked his lips before he leaned forward.

“What’s wrong with Justin?” he asked, and Todd lowered his eyes.  “Tell me, Todd!” Michael insisted when Todd remained silent, and the other man sighed.

“I, uh… I went to the gym this morning,” he said.  “I was in the locker room when I overheard some guy talking to one of his friends about a guy he had fucked the night before.  Normally, I don’t listen in on things like that – you fuck who you want, you know?  But the guy was freaked out – he was saying that he’d wanted to fuck this kid for so long, and he’d finally gotten the chance the night before.  He’d thought they’d had fun, but when he woke up in the morning, there was blood on his sheets.”

Todd licked his lips again as he shook his head, and Michael fought to keep his composure as Todd gathered his thoughts.

“The other guy asked him if he had spoken to his trick, and the guy said no – that you didn’t approach Justin Taylor after tricking with him, because he’d made it more than clear to everyone that it was a one-time thing.  Then he said that there had been whispers that Justin wasn’t the same anymore – that he used tricking as a way of hurting himself.  This guy hadn’t believed the rumors, but from the amount of blood on his sheets, he would have had to have been hurting Justin when he was fucking him, yet Justin hadn’t said a single word.

“That’s when I made myself known, and I asked him what had happened.  He told me his name was Aaron – something that Justin hadn’t wanted to know – and he explained to me that he had been at Boytoy when Justin came in and they made eye contact.  Within twenty minutes of Justin getting there, he was in the alcove with this Aaron guy.  Aaron swore, Michael, that he had thought Justin was into it.  He fucked him once in the alcove, and then took him home where they fucked a couple more times.  It was only after he saw his sheets that he thought back over the night with Justin – he said that he didn’t think Justin had cum.”  

“What?” Michael managed, and Todd’s breath shuddered out.

“Aaron said there weren’t any cum stains on his sheets, Michael – only streaks of blood.  He said he had tried reaching for Justin’s cock when they were fucking, but each time he did, Justin would slap his hand away.  That’s when Mitch – his friend – spoke up and said that he had seen Justin in the alcove before, and that he treated all tricks that way.  Every time someone reached for his dick when they were fucking him, Justin would slap their hand away; that when he watched Justin’s face while he was being fucked, he always looked like he was out of it – he just wasn’t in the moment, you know?

“I said I’d contact Brian and find out what the fuck Justin was doing.  But then I remembered that they weren’t together anymore.   I figured that Brian would want to know, regardless, though, because I know that he’s been trying to sort out their relationship for the last couple of months.”

“What do you mean?” Michael asked, and Todd shrugged.

“It’s no secret on Liberty Avenue that Brian and Justin split up; the same as it’s no secret that Brian and Justin have been seen together more frequently over the last couple of weeks; generally, on a Sunday with Brian’s son.  A lot of the guys who were interested in Justin were pretty snarky about losing their chance with him now that he and Brian appear to be trying to sort their shit out.”

Michael nodded, even as his mind began to race.  He’d failed Justin in the past.  He’d failed Brian.  He wouldn’t fail them a second time.

“This Aaron guy; is he going to keep quiet about it?” he asked, and Todd nodded.

“Yeah; he’s more worried that he’s seriously hurt Justin than looking for a repeat fuck.”

Michael nodded again as he tossed some money down on the table.

“I’ll talk to Brian,” Michael said quietly.  “He’s not going to be happy about this, but he’ll take it better from me than anyone else, Todd.”

Todd tilted his head slightly and narrowed his eyes.

“Michael… I know you and Brian haven’t been talking recently.  Are you sure about that?” he asked, and Michael sighed heavily.

“Yeah.  This is my fault; I have to try, Todd.”

Todd simply nodded, and then pulled a business card out of his pocket.  Pushing it across the table, he gestured to the card.

“That’s Aaron’s number if Brian wants any more information; he said he’d be willing to talk to Brian, if it meant helping Justin.”

Michael picked the card up and tucked it into his pocket.  With a final nod to Todd, he left the diner; as he headed down Liberty Avenue toward his shop, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed.  The phone went through to voicemail, and Michael waited for the recording to finish before he spoke.

“Ben, can you please call me… it’s about Brian.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Michael carefully parked the car and then turned the engine off.  Staring up at the brick building on Tremont Street, he blew out a steadying breath.  Ben had offered to come with him to speak to Brian, but Michael had shaken his head.  This was his fault.  He needed to man up and begin the process of fixing it.  That had included the phone call with Aaron:

“He wouldn’t let me kiss him; he said he doesn’t kiss anyone on the mouth.  He let me fuck him until he bled, but he wouldn’t let me kiss him… who does that?  Who uses sex as punishment like that?  I just don’t understand.  He acted like he was nothing but a piece of ass… like he was nothing more than a glory hole.  I feel like I fucking raped him.”

Michael shuddered when he thought about the trick he had spoken to that afternoon – the guy was friendly; he had been open and honest when he and Michael had spoken, and Michael had been left with a heartbreakingly clear picture of just who Justin was now as a man, and how he thought of himself.  Blond boy ass.  The trick who wouldn’t leave.  Jesus.  Pushing his hand through his hair, Michael again wished for a time machine, because how the fuck was he meant to put things right if this was what Justin was doing?

How was he supposed to face Brian and tell him that his ex-lover was still following their most important rule?  He’d never understood the rules that the two men had put into place, but he knew that Brian had never liked seeing Justin kiss other men.  It was evident in the way he would pull Justin away from a trick and command the blond’s full attention when he tried to swallow Justin whole, or in the way Brian would pull Justin into his lap, regardless of where they were, and spend an hour kissing the young man in his lap until he was reduced to a squirming mess.

Climbing out of the car, Michael locked the door and turned towards Brian’s building.  But as he started to cross the street, he was surprised to see a slim blond walk out of the building and turn down the street.  Michael would have known that head of hair anywhere.  Hope bloomed in his chest, and Michael quickened his stride as he called out to Justin.  Justin paused as Michael hurried towards him, but when he glanced over his shoulder as Michael drew closer, Michael stopped mid-step.

“Are you talking to me?”

Michael licked his lips as he stared at the blond.  From behind, the guy was a dead ringer for Justin.  Slim built, with tousled blond hair, the guy was as twink-like as they came.  Pale skin, and pale blue eyes.  Navy blue cargo pants that hung from narrow hips, and a tightly fitted, long-sleeved, red top.  Either all twinks shopped at the Gap, or this guy had been given specific instructions on how to dress.

And as Michael ran his eyes over the guy, he came to a second heartbreaking discovery when the blond cocked his hip and ran practiced eyes over Michael’s body.  This blond was a hustler; high class, but a hustler all the same.  Glancing between the building and the blond, Michael licked his lips and gestured weakly.

“Sorry,” he managed.  “I thought you were someone else.”

The guy shrugged and continued along the street to wherever it was that all good hustlers went.  Sinking down onto the steps of Brian’s building, Michael tried, and failed, to hold back the tears that were burning his eyes.

“I would have lost him… fuck, I have lost him!  And for what?  A fucking kiss between friends?”

Michael closed his eyes as he silently cried.  Because of him, Brian had been reduced to buying sex from a guy who looked like the young man he had lost.  Because of his inability to let Brian grow up in case he left Michael behind, he had deliberately destroyed the relationship Brian had been easing into with Justin.  His actions had done this; his insecurities, and his resentment.

Wiping his face with his sleeve, Michael stood up and picked through his keys.  But as he went to open the door to Brian’s building, he paused.  He had thought nothing of letting himself into Brian’s loft in the past.  Even after Justin had moved in with him the second time, he had thought nothing of entering the place that Justin and Brian had called home.  He couldn’t recall how many times he had walked in on them having sex.  Watching some show on TV together.  Eating dinner.  Justin doing homework while Brian quietly offered advice.  Taking a shower.

Michael lowered his hand slowly.  Living together.  Not a trick.  Not a fuck who wouldn’t go away.  They’d been living together, the same as he and Ben.  Sharing a life.  Swallowing hard, Michael shoved his keys back into his pocket; he’d lost the right to barge into Brian’s loft when Justin had moved in with him.  Lifting his hand, he pushed the button for the intercom; it felt strange beneath his fingers.  He hadn’t had to push that button in several years.       

“Yeah?”

Licking his lips when he heard Brian’s voice, Michael spoke quietly.

“It’s me.  Can I come up?”

The silence was deafening; thick with tension, it made the back of Michael’s neck prickle.  And when Brian remained silent, Michael reached out and pressed the intercom button again, and spoke quickly.

“Please, Brian.  I know you don’t want to talk to me.  I know you’re angry.  I wouldn’t come here if it wasn’t important.”

“Go away, Michael.”

Brian’s voice was weary; he could hear the underlying fatigue in his friend’s voice.  Shame caused his shoulders to hunch forward, but he pressed the button again and closed his eyes when he heard the desperation in his own voice.

“Brian… please.”

“Go home, Michael.”

Michael bit his lip and then pushed the button once more.

“Brian… it’s about Justin.”

For a minute there was only silence.  But then he heard the locks on the front door disengage, and Michael had to rest his hand against the wall for support when his knees threatened to give out from underneath him.  If he’d had any lingering uncertainties about Brian’s feelings for Justin, they were now gone.  There was no doubt in his mind over the fact that if he wasn’t there regarding Justin, then Brian wouldn’t have let him in at all.

He climbed the stairs slowly, using the time to try and organize his thoughts into some coherent order.  The door to the loft was open an inch when he reached Brian’s floor, but he hesitated to open it.  The same thoughts he had had earlier ran through his mind, and Michael knocked rather than roll the door back.  And when it did roll back a few moments later, Michael had to bite his tongue when he laid eyes on Brian.

Dressed simply in jeans, Brian crossed his arms over his bare chest and leaned against the door frame.  But when he cocked an eyebrow, Michael fought the urge to duck his head and rub his toe against the ground.  He’d seen that look before; he had seen it aimed at tricks who had tried to get a second go around.  Had seen it aimed at guys who had sought out Justin’s attention in front of Brian.  Irritation.  Distaste.  In all the years he had known Brian, though, he had never seen that look aimed towards himself.

“What do you want, Michael?” Brian asked, and Michael straightened his spine.

“May I come in?”

It was a politely made request; Brian stared at him for a long moment, before he pulled the door open a little further and walked deeper into the loft without comment.

Michael tucked his hands into his pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking before he stepped into the loft.  The thick stench of sex hung in the air, and it made Michael wonder how Justin had felt every time he came home to smell that cloying scent.  He left the door open behind him; that look had told him he still wasn’t welcome in Brian’s life, and despite how much it hurt knowing that, he also knew that what he had to speak to Brian about was liable to set the other man off.  And when Brian turned to face him, Michael spoke quietly.  Calmly.  And he told Brian everything that Todd and Aaron had said.    

If it hadn’t been for the color steadily draining from Brian’s face, Michael would have thought that Brian hadn’t heard a word as his face froze into a blank mask.  But then Brian sank down onto the couch and threaded his fingers through his hair as he hung his head.  Swallowing hard, Michael took a few more steps towards him.  His hands were still shaking, and he clenched them into fists before he spoke hoarsely.

“I am so sorry, Brian.”

Brian shook his head but sat back against the couch.  Staring at the man he had known for so long, Michael shuddered when he saw the pure misery on Brian’s face.

“This is all my fault.”  Michael managed to push the words past his teeth, and Brian looked up slowly.  “If I hadn’t told you… if I hadn’t said anything…”

Michael broke off and shook his head as he lowered his eyes.  But then Brian’s voice broke the thick silence.

“You’re not the only one at fault in this, Michael.”

Michael looked up slowly, and saw that Brian was staring at the floor just beyond the couch.  His throat was working convulsively, and when he looked up at Michael, his face was haunted.

“What you said to Justin?  I can’t… I still don’t understand how you could have said something like that to him.  But Justin tricking?  That isn’t your fault.  That’s on me.”

Michael closed the distance between them and sank down onto the couch near his lifelong friend.  Reaching out hesitantly, he briefly touched Brian’s knee and then shook his head when Brian glanced at him.

“You taught him to be safe, Brian; but what he’s doing?  That’s not safe.”

A wry smile twisted Brian’s mouth, before he shook his head again.

“I taught him to fuck who he wants, whenever he wants, Michael.  I taught him that sex doesn’t mean anything… certainly not matching Vera Wangs or commitment.  Sex is maximum pleasure, minimal bullshit.”  He laughed softly.  Bitterly.  “I taught him that… all but fucking choked him with it as I shoved it down his throat.  And he taught me how empty that kind of sex was.  That the best fuck is with someone who knows every inch of your body, because they’ve been there long enough to learn what really fucking gets you off.”

Turning on the couch slightly, Michael looked at Brian for a few minutes before he gathered his courage and then spoke.

“Brian… why him?”  Brian turned his head slowly, and when he met Michael’s eyes, Michael licked his lips and gestured helplessly.  “Seriously… what was it about him?”

Brian sighed and looked back towards the floor.

“Alex asked me the same thing,” he said finally.  “At first, it was because of how fucking innocent he looked that night.  I had to have him… After that?  I still had to have him.  He’s… like the best high I’ve ever had.”  Brian laughed quietly as his eyes softened.  “He kept up with me… he wasn’t scared of me… of my reputation.  He wanted it all with me… wanted me to teach him everything I knew… my boy.”

Michael blinked in surprise when the soft term left Brian’s lips, and he tilted his head slightly.

“He’s got a daddy kink?” he asked, and Brian glanced at Michael, nonplussed.

“No… why would you say that?” he asked, and Michael’s eyebrows rose.

“Because you called him your boy,” he said finally.  “It’s not the first time I’ve heard you call him that.  I figured that maybe he was into daddy kink.”

Brian shrugged, and glanced back towards the floor.

“Justin’s kink is more, more, more… he’s a greedy boy, Michael,” he said quietly, and Michael shook his head.

“Brian… Justin isn’t a boy; he’s a young man.”

Brian snorted, and rolled his eyes slightly.

“He still watches fucking cartoons in the morning, Michael,” Brian said, and Michael reached out once more to grasp Brian’s knee.

“Yeah… because he wants to be a computer animator, Brian.  He’s learning what he does and doesn’t like in animation; what catches his eye, and what bores the shit out of him.”

Brian looked at Michael with narrowed eyes, and Michael let out a huff of exasperation.

“Jesus, Brian; when we were working on Rage, Justin and I looked at several different comic books so that he could work out what style would suit the concept best.  Not all comic books are the same.  And not all cartoons are drawn and created the same way, either.  He got interested in animation as a kid because of that stupid submarine movie he loves – that’s what he wants to do with his life.  So, unless it’s you with the daddy kink, then I suggest you stop thinking of him as a kid and start recognizing the fact that he is a man.”

“This coming from the man who openly hates him?” Brian asked dryly, and Michael flinched.

“I don’t hate him,” he said finally.  “I don’t.  I resented him because… that doesn’t matter,” he said firmly.  “What matters is how you see him… how you treat him.  And as I said, I didn’t know you were into that kind of kink.”

Brain dragged his hand down over his mouth, and then shook his head.

“I don’t have a daddy/son kink with him.  But I have to look out for him…”  he said softly.

“He’s been a man since he chose you over his family,” Michael interrupted flatly.  “Since he decided that he couldn’t live the lie that Jennifer and Craig wanted him to.  He’s been a man, Brian, since he was seventeen years old.  And unless you see him as a man – as an equal – you’ll never get him back.”

Brian jerked back from Michael, but as he opened his mouth, Michael prevented him from providing any rebuttal he would have tried to voice.

“You have spent the last fifteen years looking after me, because I was too fucking weak to step up and take control of my own life.  I let you do that… I expected you to step in and fix my fuck ups.  I used our friendship and your reputation to make me feel better about myself, because when I failed, I could blame you for whatever had gone wrong.  My relationship with David is a prime example of that.  I called you my best friend, but what I was doing… what I did, had nothing to do with friendship and everything to do with jealousy.

“I almost lost Ben over what I did and said; he told me to stay out of it, to not say anything to you.  To let you and Justin sort it out, because I might be wrong.  I ignored him, and he asked me when you all found out what I had said to Justin, how was he meant to trust me?  How was he meant to stay with a man who could be so unjustifiably cruel to someone who was a part of his family?  It’s taken us months of couple’s therapy with Tatiana to get to the point where I’m not shit scared that he’s going to leave me, but even after all that, he still doesn’t look at me the way he used to.

“But unlike me, Justin isn’t weak; he’s stronger than any of us, Brian.  You taught him everything he wanted to know about sex, but you didn’t teach him how to be a man.  To know what he does and doesn’t want.  Those things come from inside him.”  Michael laughed bitterly.  “If anything, he taught both of us what being a man looks like, and when I look in the mirror, I know that I am lacking.”

Michael blew out an unsteady breath as Brian continued to stare at him in silence.

“I should have listened to him when he told me to stay out of it… I should have given him the benefit of the doubt,” he said softly.

“Why didn’t you?” Brian asked quietly.  “That’s the one thing I never understood, Michael.  I tricked all the time… I expected him to put up with it, and he mostly did.  Why did his tricking make you think he was having an affair with Ethan?  What caused you to tell me he was cheating?”

Michael could only shrug as Brian looked at him.

“I don’t know,” he said finally.  “I knew about the rules you had put in place, and when I saw him and Ethan in the street that day, I thought he was betraying you.  I couldn’t let it go, Brian… I was trying to look out for you, the way you had always looked out for me.  I had been there, waiting for you to decide it was time we got together.  And then Justin walked into our lives, and it was like you forgot that I existed.  I know it would have never worked between us, Brian.  I know that now.  But seeing you with Justin… the way you were at the hospital after the prom… I had to protect you.  And as I said, you seemed fine the night I told you at Babylon.”

It was Brian’s turn to laugh softly.  Bitterly.  And when Michael looked towards him, he saw that Brian’s hand was shaking as he dragged it down over his mouth.

“What did you say to him?” he asked timidly as he recalled the half-told story that Brian had admitted to, and Brian’s face twisted briefly.

“It wasn’t only what I said,” he said finally.  “It was what I did, Michael.  I waited here… I waited until he came home.  I could smell the sex on him, and he wanted to have a shower… I told him that I didn’t care that he was sweaty… I wanted to smell him.  His scent.  He asked me to wait, to let him shower.  I ignored what he said, and I kissed him.”  Brian’s eyebrows jerked slightly as his gaze drifted to the section of flooring in front of his feet, and when he spoke again, his voice was hoarse.

“By the time I dragged him to the floor, he’d stopped saying no.  He’d stopped trying to pull away.  And when he was finally compliant, when he was at his most vulnerable beneath me, I pulled back from him and I told him that he stunk.  To go take a shower.  And then I left him lying on the floor and went to Babylon.”

Brian swallowed before he looked towards Michael.

“He’d hurt me, so I hurt him back in the only way I knew how, to hammer home the message that I knew about Ethan.  I made him feel like he was nothing… like he was a piece of shit.  I left him there, and I went and stuck my dick in someone else.  I punished him for doing exactly what I was doing.  What I’d taught him to do.  I did that to him… to someone who loved me, Michael.  I did that, because you’d told me that he was cheating on me.  I did that to him, after telling him that it wasn’t cheating when I tricked because we weren’t in a relationship… after I would come home to him having fucked someone else, and expect him not to complain when I wanted to fuck him even though he could smell stale sex on my body.”

Michael’s jaw dropped; he knew it had, and he could do nothing about it as Brian pressed his lips tightly together.

“Jesus, Brian!  If Ben ever used my feelings for him against me like that, I’d kick him in the balls!” Michael said, and if it came out like a squeak, he could only blame it on shock.  Rubbing his chilled skin briskly, he shook his head in disbelief.

“I used to wonder why you never wanted a relationship with me,” Michael said finally.  “I used to tell Justin that gay men didn’t get to have monogamy, and that he was stupid for feeling hurt when you would trick.  Yet Ben and I are monogamous.  I demand that from him; you don’t cheat on someone when you have feelings for them.  You don’t use tricking as a form of punishment against them.  You don’t use their feelings against them.  You don’t… Jesus, Brian!  You just… don’t do things like that.

“I think I’d rather endure a bare-knuckle punch to the face, than a sneak attack like that!  At least you can see the punch coming and try to duck… but what you did?  I don’t know if there is any way to come back from that, Brian.  Even if you do get back with him, he’ll remember it every time you have sex.  I know I would.  How do you allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone when they have abused your trust like that?”

Brian recoiled, and his face drained of color.  Looking down at his hands, Michael shook his head once more.

“I can only apologize again.  Over and over until you believe me,” he said finally.  “It won’t change what I said and did.  It won’t change what has happened.  It won’t bring you and Justin back together.  But I’ll keep saying it.”  Pushing to his feet, Michael chanced a look at Brian.  The man’s face was slightly grey, and Michael licked his lips slightly as he watched Brian swallow convulsively.

“I hope you and Justin manage to sort things out, Brian,” he said quietly.  “I hope that you manage to get him back into your life.  You were good together; he made you happy, and I’m sorry that I didn’t see it sooner.”

Brian’s gaze lifted to meet Michael’s, who flinched when he saw the haunted look in those hazel eyes.  And with a final look at the man he had hurt, Michael let himself out of Brian’s loft and slowly closed the door behind him.