CHAPTER 66 - FROM CANE TOAD BACK TO FROG PRINCE

JUSTIN’S TOWNHOUSE - SATURDAY MORNING

BRIAN

How could things go downhill this fast? I don't think I will ever be able to forget the amount of hurt I saw in his eyes….eyes which usually are sparkling so bright with happiness and mischief. Why did I have to be so stupid? You’d better fix this, Kinney, and fix it fast!

Start of flashback

OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM - END OF DAY 3

“What do you mean, no? You don't want me to come home with you? Why the hell not?”

“Because I need to be alone! Christ! Is it really that hard to understand that...”

“Apparently it is!” We look up and see the one person I really can't deal with now! Michael, on his way to custody house. His face glows with delight as he seems to think we're having some serious argument.

“You know, fat ass,” he says with his usual cruel smile. “I always told you that you aren’t what Brian needs and wants. That sooner rather than later he would come to his senses and you would be history! Just a footnote,  and in your case a really unpleasant one! How does it feel to be thrown away like yesterday’s trash?”

“Go away, Michael, nobody wants you here.” Justin tells him with a sweet smile. “In fact, nobody wants you. Period! Not even mummy dear can stand your sight any longer!”

That is the moment I snap. Everything is just too much so I hit the wall next to me as hard as I can.

“Brian? You okay?” Justin asks. “Let me see! Are you..”

“Goddamned Justin, leave me the fuck alone! I really can't stand...”

That's when the laughter starts. Michael must have had a field day,  but I really can't deal with any of this now!

“Michael, go fuck yourself, preferably with some infested dildo! I don't want you near me, so fuck off!”

“And you...” I look at Justin and I really want to sooth what I am about to say but it’s like I lost control over my voice. “Go home! To your home and don’t come over. Not now and not later tonight! For ONCE, give me some space and let me breathe!”

He looks at me and his eyes are filled with so much hurt that my stomach turns and I almost throw up, knowing that it was me who put it there. I desperately want to take back what I just said, but instead I just turn around and leave.

End of flashback

BRIAN

I know I hurt him and I need to fix this, so, when I knock, all I could think about was how I hope that he forgives me. He opens the door, looks at me, then looks at the tray in my hand and then shuts the door again. That went well! I feel even more like an asshole than I already did. His eyes, his beautiful eyes are red and swollen like he didn't get much sleep but instead cried a lot. I really need to fix this!

I knock again. “Justin, open the door, please! How can I apologize properly when you won’t let me in?”

He opens the door again. “Apologize?” He asks, his eyes blaze with fury. “Why should I want an apology from you? Tell me, Brian, why should I want ANYTHING from you? And whatever crap you brought on this tray, just shove it up your ass! We don’t want you to choke on it, now do we? After all, we all know how much you need to BREATHE! And now fuck off and leave me the fuck alone!” His voice breaks and I can see the tears in his eyes again before he turns around and goes inside the house again.

In his haste to prevent me from seeing him cry, or at least that's the reason I suppose, he forgets to shut the door again, so, after taking some deep breaths, I follow him inside. I need to fix this! He is curled up on the couch, silently crying. I put the tray on the table and crouch in front of him.

“Justin...” I say, calmly, like I would talk to a wounded animal, for that is what he is...wounded. “I am so sorry, Justin!” He looks up and tries to get away to the other end of the couch, away from me. How do I fix this?

“What are you doing here?” he asks. “I told you to fuck off, like you told me to do yesterday! Why do you expect everybody to obey everything you say like giving you space and letting you breathe, but when someone, your PARTNER, or is it ex-partner and ex-fiance, asks the same from you, you just ignore it?”

I look at him, shocked! Ex partner? Ex fiance? Again, I am this close to vomit! Fix this! I need to fix this!

“Justin, please, let me explain! Please, don’t do this!”

“Do what, Brian? Ask you for space? Why can you and I can't? You know what? It isn’t even about you asking me, not that I don't give you space whenever you need it! I understand how this all is becoming too much, but I don't know if I can forget what you did yesterday. You left me there to deal with Michael! Don’t get me wrong, I can deal with everything HE comes up with, but you gave him hope! Hope to be a part of your life again! You went away after he told me you’d toss me aside! YOU LEFT! You did exactly what he said you would do! So tell me, is this what you want? Do you want to..how did he put it...throw me away like yesterday's trash? Because for me it felt like you did exactly that! Once again, you gave Michael what he wanted!”

I need to fix this! I need to fix this! I need to fix this! I need to…

“What, Brian? The truth hurts? Believe me, Mr. Kinney, I know!”

I need to fix this! I need to fix this!

“I NEED TO FIX THIS! I NEED TO FIX THIS!”

“Brian? What the hell?! Brian? Brian! Look at me! Brian!”

“I need to fix this! I need to! Justin? Don’t leave me, let me fix this, please! Don’t leave me! Please don't leave me! Let me fix this!” Then everything goes black.

I don't know how much time has passed, but when I open my eyes again I am lying on the couch with my hand bandaged and Justin curled around me. He is watching me with concern. Slowly his warmth begins to seep into my soul.

“Brian? Can you hear me?” He asks. When I nod, he looks relieved. “Oh thank God! I was this close to calling an ambulance!”

“What happened? The last thing I remember is...Oh God! You want to leave me! You have already broken up with me because I was such a shit! I...I think it is time for me to go then. I guess I won’t see you at the trial...”

“BRIAN AIDEN KINNEY! STOP THIS BULLSHIT FOR FUCK’S SAKE AND LISTEN TO ME!”

I look at him and try to get my breathing under control.

“Are you listening now?” He asks, and I nod. “I don't want to break up with you or leave you! I want to understand what happened yesterday, and, even more importantly, about half an hour ago, but for me to understand, you need to talk to me. Please help me understand so that I can help you! I love you! I love you so fucking much, Brian Kinney, so please, PLEASE let me help you! You don't have to fix anything, you hear me? Not a thing!”

I close my eyes. “But you said ex partner. Ex fiancé! And why shouldn't you after the way I treated you yesterday. You have to believe me that I don't want anything about Michael back in my life again! I am sorry that I made it look like I did. I let him taunt you and didn't stop him. Hell, I should have stood up for you and defended you, defended us, and you will never know how much I regret that I didn't.  It was just all too much, and I needed to get away!  Hearing all that stuff yesterday, seeing Peter losing it because of me, and then the things she said, it really messed with my head. I started thinking that maybe they were right, and that I deserved what they did to me, because all I do is cause pain! You, Gus, Peter, you all suffer because of me, and that is unbearable! So I wanted to give you some time away from me, away from all the suffering, but you wouldn’t let me. You wouldn’t let me, but I had to go, don’t you see? I had to because staying at that moment would’ve caused you even more pain, and I am SO sorry Justin!”

“Oh Brian, you stupid, incredible, wonderful man! You don't have to give me space! I don't need time away from you because THAT is what causes me pain, not being WITH you. THAT is what makes me miserable! You are my life, Brian Aiden Kinney! You and Gus! Don’t ever doubt that again! My life is nothing when you are not in it!”

He takes a deep breath and starts speaking again, and his voice is like a cup of the finest and hottest tea when you are frozen to the bones. Soothing and calming, giving you back energy you didn't even know you were missing.

“You mustn’t allow them back in, must not allow them to mess with your head like that. That's what they want, that's what they are feeding off of: seeing you miserable. Peter didn't lose it because of you, but because of them. He wouldn't have wanted you with him if it had been your fault! Please, Brian, don’t let them win! That's what we all couldn't bear! Letting them win after everything they have put you through! You deserve so much better! You are so much better!”

“Say it so I know that we’re back...please just say it.”

“Ribbit! Ribbit! RIBBIT!” We put our hands on each other’s faces to wipe away our tears. “So what was it? What was the pivotal moment that enough was enough?”

“I will tell you, but first, Tigger, you must eat. I know you don’t eat when you are upset, so you must be ravenous. Eat at least one then we talk. Please?”

“What is it?” He sniffs in the direction of the tray. “Smells very nice.”

“Bourbon caramel chocolate traybake. I have the stuff for vegan burritos, but you need to…” I am stopped by him stuffing a corner piece in his mouth and having such a look of pure happiness that I vow never to make him miserable again! “...want some milk to go with that?”

“Mmm!”

“Let me get some for you and a blanket, don’t move!”

Ten minutes later he’s eaten three squares and I have had two. We’re stretched out under the blanket facing each other, having licked the crumbs off our fingers. “Want to tell me now?”

“Hmm. It was a culmination of things, first I had a for shit night’s sleep…”

“I know, I was the one you smacked twice and then stole the blankets off of!”

“I hit you?!”

“Calm, be calm...you were having a bad dream, I think. No, don't...Bear, who am I...where am I?”

“Tigger and here with me.”

“And that’s exactly who and where I want to be. So, after we got to the courthouse, when was it?”

“When Arthur started to question her again…”

Start of flashback

COURTROOM ONE - DAY THREE - AFTERNOON

I am glad we had the recess when we did. It has been such a long day. I look at my watch and am surprised that it’s not even four yet! Sighing, I rub my temples and feel a bit thrown when Justin sits directly behind me instead. This seems to make him smile, and that makes me mad, but as if reading my mind Justin comes and sits back next to me.

“Thanks.”

“For what?” He frowns at me. “You okay?”

“Bit tired.”

“A nice hot bath when we get back indoors.”

“Hmm.” I reply and straighten my already straight tie. “And a very large glass of Beam.”

“Okay.”

“Counsel, are you ready to proceed.”

“Yes.” Arthur leans on the desk and I breathe a bit easier as where he is positioned means that he can no long bore his eyes into the side of my head. “I only have a few more questions. You say that your book was a diary. It seems an odd action to send it to her parents, even if you wanted to show them what she was like as you say.”

“That’s what I wanted to do, and that’s what I did.”

“Is this it?” He picks up the book and a chill goes down my spine. Even though I have read what he wrote, I couldn't read hers, and seeing the actual book is unsettling. “Your Honour, this is evidence 1H. Well, is it?”

“Yes, that is my diary.”

“Where is the rest of it? There are pages torn out, you see.” She looks at the diary and shrugs. “Do you know where Ms Peterson found it and when?”

“I can't recall. I just know she held onto…”

“Bull...I mean rubbish! You told your attorney where and when.”

“No I didn't.”

“Your Honour, this is a statement from the defendant concerning Exhibit 1I. You told her that you lost it three years ago, and she told you where she found it. I am not sure what you hope to achieve by continuing to lie, especially when you claim you want to protect him now. It seems to me you want to protect yourself more. So, back to the diary, the last entry is about a beating that Brian received at the hands of his father. You write that he had bruised ribs, a black eye, and a cut to the side of his head, but it is how you treated him that is particularly telling. You say here: I know I shouldn't have dressed it like that, but I was so angry that he opened up a mouth in class and got a detention so that meant that Michael got spat at on the way home. I should've diluted it a bit more, I suppose. Vic has taken him to hospital for his ribs...you should read the rest.” She shakes her head. “Your Honour…”

“The defendant will read it!” He orders, and I start to feel sick.

“Hospital for his ribs. The pathetic wimp was saying it hurt to breathe. They did look bad though. Vic reckons he could’ve broken a couple. I am not going to tattle on him anymore. He gets himself into enough trouble without me dumping him in shit too. I am going to see his Mom though, still can’t...no I can't read this bit.”

“Read it.”

“How could she say that she wished she aborted him, because he's good for nothing, he won’t amount to anything, that the air he breathes would be better used for a dog. An abortion could've been the best for every upstanding citizen, but because of her Catholic principle she can’t. Nobody needs to deal with that amount of shit pressed into human skin…”

“And the rest.”

My heart starts to hammer. What else could possibly be said?!

“And she...she is right, there are days I curse the day he was ever born. If I could explain that…”

“Oh, this should be good. How do you explain that you wished Mr Kinney had never been born? I mean, if he killed him then you and your son wouldn’t have had the life you've lost.”

“Like I said, and it is clear in the diary that I was angry when I wrote that, I didn’t mean it.”

“A diary is the one place people are honest with themselves. When did you make him a trustee?”

“What? What do you mean when?”

“When did you, Miss Grassi, make Brian Aiden Kinney a trustee for that bank account? Or can't you remember?”

“It was…”

“Just after Victor Miller agreed to be a witness for you.” The murmuring sounds so very loud. “You’ve had all of this time to make him a trustee, why that particular time?”

“I am getting my affairs in…”

“No you’re not. You are trying to tie him to you again.” It is is like a dash of freezing cold water as I realise the truth of his words. “You are never going to let him go, are you? Never.”

“I am letting him go! What do you think I am telling all of this truth for?!”

“Because you want a lighter sentence. If you are found guilty, of course, you approached us for a deal after all, and we said no. You still want your son...not the one you birthed, but the golden boy for what he has become, but you slaughtered the goose that provided the golden eggs! The account needs Mr Kinney’s signature for him to be made trustee, and he will never sign that.”

I shake my head at her and she looks horrified. “Brian, you can't be serious?!” She gasps. “I am bleeding out here, telling all the truths so that you can finally make your peace, and you want to deny me this? How can you do that? You ungrateful little...”

“There we are!” Arthur interrupts her with a cruel smile. “Once again your mask slips! Not so much of letting go anymore, right, Ms Grassi? You have proven once again that leopards aren’t capable of changing their spots! Game over, I would say.”

“You know what?” She screeches. “Your mother was right! You are a waste and nothing but a waste! She really should have aborted you, but a hospital would have been too good! Some dirty backstreet abortionist would have made sure you’d have to suffer as much as possible!”

“Remove the defendant!” The Judge roars, and she is hauled out shouting and screaming.

The court is so quiet after the door shuts that I am sure I can hear blinking. “Mr Kinney, are you alright? Do you need some time?”

“No. I mean no to time. I’m fine, Your Honour. I can continue.”

“Well, I think that this would be the best place to stop. Court is adjourned, we reconvene, due to the public holiday, at 0900 on Tuesday morning!”

“All rise!” Courtney orders.  

End of flashback

“I didn’t think.” He says quietly, using his cuffs to wipe my face. “Next time you are not fine, promise me you will say so. None of being stoic and strong when you are hurting.”

“I’m not fine. I’m not fine at all.” I start to sob again. “H...how can your mothers hate you so much for just being born.”

“They don’t hate you for that…”

“How can you say that…”

“They hate you for not only surviving everything but for still standing strong! Those shitheads would’ve just laid down and died, but you fought back! You still fight back, and they will finally get what they deserve: a life full of pain and suffering, while you are surrounded only by people who love you with all their heart. Such pure, poetic irony!”

I look at him for a few seconds, just taking in what has happened and his words. “I...think I need to speak to someone. Other than you. I can’t burden you with all of…”

“You would never be a burd…”

“I know what you’re going to say, and I know that it's true, but this is too big for us to handle alone. We need to talk to someone else.”

“Okay, Bear, now try to get some sleep.” He turns onto his back and pats his chest. “Come sleep right here.”

“I love you, Tigger.” I murmur against his lips, then beating of his heart starts to sooth my troubled mind and I succumb to sleep.

DEB’S HOUSE - SAME TIME

LOUNGE

DEBS

How dare that arrogant little shit deny me the signature? After all I have done for him, he thinks he can treat me like this again? I have had enough of this bullshit! This farce has been going on for too long and my patience has come to an end!

I have drilled you into submission for as long as I have known you, Brian Kinney, and you will be obedient again! I will get you to heel again my little lapdog, this I swear!

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