I look down at my hands, wincing at the ravishment of old age. But I have done my nails, taken off my wig as I was determined to go to jail as the real me, not this person I became. As Vic said the last time he saw me; where did the person who said it's not how you love but who you love you go? Where is the person who said that genitalia is God’s way of accessorising, where is she?! Well she’s here and ready to take responsibility for everything.

I give Phyllis a small smile as she sits next to me. “How you doing?”

“Am fucking terrified.” I reply without facing her, because I can feel Brian on the other side of the court and I know that if I look at him I will revert to the carping, harping breeder that I became, full of bile and invective, whilst being the champion of all things gay. “How is he looking? He sounds happy.”

“Here.” She hands me a clipping.

“Oh, I am so happy for him. Brian Taylor-Kinney” I sniff, then look up as the door opens and Michael comes in.

“You need to sit at least ten feet away from her, so over there.” Phyllis tells him sharply as he starts to approach. “Guard Truman, can you assist?!”

Naturally when faced with someone who will knock him on his ass he is all about the obedience!

“Nor are you allowed to speak to her!” Phyllis adds, and I feel the roll of his eyes.

I fold the wedding announcement carefully and put it in the locket that Brian gave me for Mother’s Day a few years back. “Will they keep it safe?” I gesture at the locket then put it in my purse.

“Yes they will.” She pats my hand.

“All rise!” Courtney orders, and my heart starts to pound.

“Be seated.” Judge Balsam orders. “Will the defendants stand.”

Here we go.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I need to introduce you to Supreme Justice Iris Iron; she has adjudicated this case alongside Supreme Justice Oliver Stone and is here to deliver the verdict.” I swallow hard. “Defendant Michael Grassi is to sit down. We will now pass sentence on Deborah Jane Grassi, then pass sentence on Michael Grassi. The victim statement will be heard after that.”

SUPREME JUSTICE IRIS IRON

I shuffle my papers, more of a delaying tactic to get my thoughts in order than anything else. When Mel first came to me with this and I removed his rights,  I was, like most, all set to blame the mother. This is the mindset we have, blame the woman, but then I delved deeper: post trial, watched the videos then actually dug into who Deborah Jane Grassi was, and looking at her now, who she is trying to be again. She was a young mother who dragged herself back to work three days after birth to support her child. She was a pin bearing, rabble rousing gay advocate. I, at first, could not reconcile what she was to what she became, but now know that there has been the one constant and that is…

“Supreme Justice, are you ready?” Norace interrupts my thought process.

“Yes, apologies for the delay.” I stack my papers neatly and place them in front of me. “This case is the first of its kind to grace a US court, and because of the unprecedented nature, due diligence and adherence to the current penal code and laws has restricted is somewhat. But with that being said, Deborah Jane Grassi, you have been found guilty of all, bar two, of the charges against you. And if you had been found guilty of them then my sentencing would’ve been a lot tougher. I, Supreme Justice Iris Iron, sentence you to a year in prison for aiding and abetting of the abuse of Brian…” I pause at the tap on my arm then smile as Norace whispers in my ear. “Again apologies, I have just been apprised of a development. To continue, of the abuse of Brian Aiden Kinney, however, we shall continue to use the name that the charges were laid in. Now I understand that you wish to make a statement?”

“Yes, Your Honour.” She replies, and takes the paper from Phyllis. “Can I look at him when I say this?”

“Yes you can.”

DEBS

I exhale slowly and smooth out the paper. “My statement is twofold. Although I wasn’t found guilty of the neglect and abuse of him, I should’ve been…”

“Damn right you should!” Michael calls out.

“Quiet!” Judge Balsam bellows.

I take a sip of water then turn to them. “This might seem odd, but I want to start with the shortest apology and request, and that is to Benjamin Bruckner. I am  so sorry for all I put you through, you didn’t deserve it and he didn’t deserve a decent man like you. Promise me one thing: always give her a kiss goodnight from me. You don’t have to…”

“I promise to do that. Thank you for the acknowledgment and apology accepted.” Ben cuts across. “Despite what you did, you at least put Jenny first.”

I nod then look Brian dead in the face.  “Can I call you kiddo?” He closes his eyes for a few seconds before shaking his head. “Good answer, however, as much as you will always be my son, I regret the day he ever met you. Because if he hadn't, he would not have fallen so hard. Maybe if I sat down and told him, Brian does not think of you that way, and never will, then he could've just let go of it. You can’t deny that it would’ve happened, but it might not have been so bad.” He nods. “I said before that I have no excuse, but I lied. I have an excuse. I wanted my boy to be happy, and you made him happy, so I did everything I could to keep that happiness alive for him. I know I can’t take away the pain I caused you, but hope and pray that Justin and Dr Morris will help you to heal…” He looks surprised. “...I got curious; so did some googling. So this is goodbye to you, you leave my life with my love, my admiration and my respect. Do you accept that and my apology?” The courtroom is so quiet then I smile. “I am done.”

“Um, did he accept then?” Judge Balsam frowns.

“As I said, Your Honour, we are done.” I answer.

“But he never said...” Supreme Justice Iron begins, then looks across at Brian who gives her a small smile. “...let the records show the apology is accepted. Now sit down.” She orders, and with one last look I sit down and face the front of the court. “The defendant Michael Charles Grassi will stand.”

MICHAEL

I can’t believe it! I was watching him, he never took his eyes away from her then he did it! They know how much I hate that, they promised me they would never do that in front of me again! I can’t wait to read my statement now!

“Michael Charles Grassi, you have been found guilty of all charges levelled against you. I, Supreme Justice Iris Iron, sentence you to five years in prison. I understand you have a statement to make as well, but this will have to…”

“Five years?!” I gape at her. “Why did I get the same amount as his drunken witch of a mother?!”

“As I was about to say, I will explain my reasoning for the harshness, I suspect some of you will feel, of the sentencing. It is thusly. Unlike you, your fellow defendant, Deborah Jane Grassi, attempted to fix the damage caused then stopped completely when he began to break what could not be fixed by her: his bones. You caused the damage and basked in his misery and pain. You have demonstrated no remorse, which cannot and will not be ignored.” She stares coldly at me. “You are one of...”

I will my hands to stop shaking, but can’t. Five years, five freaking years! “Apart from that one punch, I never touched him!”

“It was two punches! And remain silent until the end of her explanation! Do you understand what I have said?” Judge Balsam demands.

“No, she only got a year, a fucking year!”

“Because that is the minimum I could give her. You...”

“His…”

“Interrupt me one more time at your peril!” Her voice slices through me like a knife. “You are one of the worst kinds of people. He did nothing wrong to you apart from being your friend, and only that, but you wanted more. I am curious as to what happened to them, did you keep them or throw them away?”

“Keep what?” I feel so sick, but the thing that is keeping me from fainting is knowing that I will be able to appeal. “Your honour.” I add quickly.

“The pages from your mother’s diary.”

“How did you…” I gasp.

“As was mentioned in the trial, it was her diary that was found. In your diary you said you can’t believe what you read, so it had to be you who tore the pages out. So again, what did you do with them?”

“Threw them away when I went to school the next day, same as his perfect report card!” I enjoy the shock on her face. “He wanted her to have it, but I didn’t so I threw it away, tore it into tiny pieces and…”

“Even at this point you just can’t stop lying! You keep saying and doing things to cause hurt!” Uncle Vic’s voice booms across the courtroom. “Yes, you threw it in the bin, but you didn’t tear it up. Your headmistress found it, kept it, then gave it to him, and he gave it to me, I have it framed. Pardon the interruption, Your Honour, but he is just…”

“Quite understandable, Mr Miller, and apology accepted.” She turns back to me, her face set harder than before. “Before you read your statement, I have something more to add. You were also given that term because of your refusal to change your plea despite your confessional on the stand. Now your statement.”

I turn to Brian and he stares blankly back at me. He’s not just blank, he’s cold. “I don’t want to read it.” I reply, and swallow down the tears clogging my throat.

“Good, that saves us listening to your whining bullshit justification or excuses!” Uncle Vic shouts at me and I flinch. “You are just too chicken shit and pathetic to admit the truth! You were prepared, as they said, to have him die at either his hands or his father’s just so that you could be the one to bask!”

“I love him! I always have and I always will! Why can’t he love me back?!” I scream, stunning the court.

“Because you aren’t worthy!” Uncle Vic thunders. “You never were, and you never will be!”

“What about her? Why?! Why do you still love her and not me?!” I wail, tears flowing down my cheeks. “You accepted! You accepted!”

“What are you talking about?!” Uncle Vic demands, looking between the pair of us, then to my horror he starts to smile. “Ah...that.”

“Mr Miller, what is causing the hysteria?” Judge Balsam frowns.

“Something from his teen years. Whenever Mr Grassi wanted him to say no to Miss Grassie but Brian meant yes, he would wink at her. He must have winked.”

“He did! You promised! Being with him has made you a liar now!”

“No, I just don’t keep a promise to people that no longer matter to me, as you well know.” Brian’s words slice through my heart. “May I read my statement now?”

“Proceed.” Judge Balsam replies. “And the defendant will not say one word until Mr Taylor-Kinney is finished. Is that understood?”

“Yes.” I whisper, and the court goes quiet...