CHAPTER 4 - SNOG, FUCK OR AVOID...WHO’S ON WHICH LIST AND WHO’S TIRED

OPERA HOUSE - TWO WEEKS LATER

DAPH

“Come on! You went away for a whole month without it, and this is just a couple of hours!” I bellow up the stairs. “You are not getting out of it. You promised!”

“I’m coming!” He yells back down.

“Not for a while, you haven’t.” I mutter to myself but plaster a smile on my face as he finally comes downstairs...looking like he’s slept in his clothes! But for the greater good, I let that pass just so we can get the fuck out of here and have a look at this town we now call home.

“So which one are we taking?” I ask as he fiddles with the garage door panel. “Du Pre’s birthday.” I remind him again and the door slides open to reveal his other pride and joys, after Cantata and Sonata. His Eagle babies.

“The pur...turquoise one. It’s closer.” I resist pointing out that I am also fucking starving, and have been waiting for what seems like hours! As I said, I want to get out of here!

“Got your scarf? I am not having you bitch because you’ve got cloud hair!”

“I have my scarf.” I say sweetly, taking it out and putting it on. I am about to lose it when finally there is the sound of the garage doors rolling up.

“So where we going?”

“Liberty Avenue. There’s a diner there and you like diner food.”

“I like any food!” He laughs and finally, thank fucking God, we are off!

LIBERTY AVENUE GYM - AN HOUR LATER

BRIAN

Finally! I can see some definition on my stomach and chest! I was somewhat insulted when I first got to the gym and someone said I would be hotter if I lost the paunch...paunch! I almost went over and paunched him in the nuts for even thinking that!

“Okay, boys. Battle Rope Exercise for 10 minutes non-stop, then 20 burpees and plank for 5 minutes. No wobbling!” A brusque female voice orders and although there is grumbling, they all leap to do as they are told.

“Fuck me, that looks grim!” Ted shudders as we stop exercising and watch.

“It doesn't look that bad.” Michael pipes up, startling me. Seriously, where does this man hide and suddenly spring from?! “I reckon we could do that easily, couldn’t we, Brian?”

I am not altogether sure where he gets this we from but there is no way he could do that. I am exhausted just watching the others do it, and he’s a lot less fit than I am. When we did the rope climb, he got about a foot off the ground before claiming he had to go to the bathroom for the rest of the session!

“Sorry guys, but we need this part of the gym, please?” The owner of the brusque voice tells us and we watch as the 10 well muscled men almost throw up as she pushes them. A couple of them seem to be almost praying for death.

“You’re right, Schmidt. That does look grim.” I tell him.

“It’s not that bad once you get used to it.” She flashes a smile. “I’m thorough, but gentle. Well for the first two classes, anyway.” She turns to Michael when he scoffs. “And that amuses you because?”

“You’re a girl, a lesbian and…”

“Not a lesbian but transgendered, not that it has any bearing on my ability as a personal trainer, who can hold a plank for 8 minutes without sweating. What are you?”

“A fully equipped hu-man and I bet I can do it for longer than you.” Michael challenges her, and people start to go quiet and watch. “I bet you I can.” He taunts her.

“Sure. What’s the wager?” She asks, placing two mats on the floor opposite each other.

“If I lose, I pay for all four of us to be your clients for 3 months, top price and hardest classes.”

“And if I lose, you get the easiest classes for free.” She returns, putting out her hand. “Deal.”

“Uh Michael...” Ted begins worriedly.

“Don’t worry, Schmidt. I’ve got this!” He crows and gets into the same position as her....

DINER - HALF AN HOUR LATER

TED

“You’ve got this. Weren't those your exact words?” I am dripping sarcasm, venom and annoyance! “The only redeeming factor in all of this is that it is costing you $6000 a month and not us. And that’s only because she felt sorry for you and said you would not stay the course!”

“Ted, could you bitch me out later? I am in agony!” Michael whimpers as he shakily brings the cup to his mouth. “I am sure she cheated.”

“She did not cheat. And didn’t break a sweat, unlike you. She beat you fair and square.” I snicker at his second skin soaking wet hair as it clings to his skull. “You have a weird shaped skull. It’s almost square, which again, she beat you fair by.”

His attempt at looking withering fails when combined with the look of exhaustion.

“What the hell happened to you?” Vic demands as he comes over looking at Michael’s hunched position.

“Took on a personal trainer in a plank challenge and lost.” Ems explains. “But we got three months of training out of it...it’s just a shame you won’t be able to get those toys Michael. You know, since she insisted on payment up front.”

“How much are they?” Vic sighs. “The classes, I mean.”

“$6000 a month.” I tell him with relish and again with the attempted nasty look.

“Who the hell did you hire? Harley Pasternak?!”

“No, personal trainer to Drew Boyd.” Ems is flicking through his phone. “There was a marked increase in attention when his name was mentioned!”

“Of course, there would be. He’s definitely on the snog or fuck list!” A twink giggles. “Oh dear god! Definitely avoid.” He blenches as an ALQ goes passed in assless pants and his ass is hanging round his knees!

“What list is this?” Ems calls out, heading over to them.

“There’s a TV programme in England called Snog, Marry or Avoid where you take a look at someone and decide, which you would do. But of course, us being the men that we are, have changed it to Snog, Fuck or Avoid and it’s proven to be quite popular. Some people have appeared on the list more than once. It’s at times like this that you don’t want to be A-listed!”

The door chimes bringing in a windswept girl and despite his ramshackled appearance, a very beautiful man! Everyone turns to look at him, but he doesn’t seem to notice.

“Definitely an S and an F!” Someone sighs and Ems looks up and grins.

“Hey, darlings!”

The male darling turns around and gives him a small smile and a wave before slumping into a booth with his back to us. Ems stops briefly to talk to them before coming back to us, waving his tablet excitedly. “I have the link! Want to see if we’re on?!”

“No!” I reply quickly and reach for the tablet. But as per usual when there is anything to do with appearances and bitchiness, he’s too quick and moves out of reach. “Okay, how does it work?” I sigh.

“You just type your name in here and it shows you where you appear. For example, if I typed Ted Schmidt, you appear on the snog list five times so far and the fuck twice, but you do appear on the avoid one time. As for…”

“What are you girls doing?” Brian asks as he comes back and sits down. I try not to smirk at Michael’s attempt to sit up as if he’s not in absolute agony.

“Looking at Snog, Fuck or Avoid. You don’t want to be A-listed, trust me. So let me see here, Em-mett Honey-cutt. Aha...8 times on the S, 6 times on the F and zip, nada zero on the A-list! Go me!”

“Let’s do Brian.” Vic smiles.

“Let’s not!” Brian retorts firmly.

“Brian Kinney...ooh my…!”

“What does it say?” Vic demands, trying to reach for the tablet.

“How long have you been around these parts, Brian?” Ems smirks, pulling the pad out of reach again.

“Long enough not to be taken in by…”

“The S-list 27, the F-list 26 and the A-list, like me, zip, nada and zero!”

Brian looks shocked and then smug. “Not bad for being here less than 2 months. Is there anyone above me as a matter of interest?”

“Nope, you are King of the Avenue!” Ems laughs. “Oh wait, an unknown contender is only two points behind you on the S-list and you’re tied on the F-list.”

He shrugs. “Clearly, we have not met.”

“Clearly.” Ems intones with a glint in his eye.

“So who haven’t we done yet?”

“Me! You’ve not done me.” Michael preens. “What’s my ranking?”

“Mich-ael Nov-to-ny.” Ems opens and then closes his mouth. “We-well the site doesn’t seem to be working now...shame. We can always check later.”

VIC

There is something in the way that Ems shut that down that tells me that Michael’s ego is in for a major pricking. And not in a positive life affirming way. I am about to say something when Daphne comes up to the booth. “I have restored your lead, Brian.” She chirrups and then goes and sits back down.

“Uh, thank you!” He calls out, grinning. “Look Michael, are you sure you want to do this personal training thing?”

“Yeah, why not?” He affects a casual shrug, but looks like he’s spasming as his still cramped muscles object to any movement. “Chyna Carrington got lucky.”

“Excuse me, but I did not get lucky! I kicked your ass, so suck and swallow!  I look forward to the tire rolling class first thing tomorrow morning at 0600!” All eyes turn to Michael in fury.

“What? What’s he done?” I look around the booth.

“Not only did he lose the bet, but he picked the toughest classes!” Ted spits.

“Tire rolling? Let me see here, it can’t be that…” Ems begins to scroll through his pad and his eyes widen and then narrow when he looks at his dear friend. “I see. Well Michael, I am happy to tell you that you and a David Cameron top the A-list by a country mile! Maybe these classes will help you get off that, at least in appearance! Vic, may I use the office? I suddenly have some admin to do!” I wave him away.

“It can’t be that bad!” Michael protests.

“You lasted 1 minute with your own bodyweight. How do you propose to roll a tire and keep it upright that weighs in at 300 pounds minimum?!” Ted growls and gets up. “Well it’s an early night for me!”

“Hold up, Ted. I’ll drop you off and maybe go for a jog to build up some stamina.” Brian grumbles. “You had better not be late!”

“Oh he better not be, or you all won’t like it if he is.” Chyna snipes and starts to stalk out, but then pauses by the booth occupied by Daph. “Same goes for you two. You have cancelled me twice. Not having that. 6.00am sharp, do you understand?” Both heads nod and she walks out. I can see the pinched and angry look on Daph’s face.

“Daph!” I call out and she looks up. “What happens if you miss a class?”

“She puts you in a tougher class the next time and adds the class you missed on! Which is why we have the tire class tomorrow, isn’t it, Justin?!”

“I said I was sorry!” He grouches.

“Your sorry is going to mean I will have arms like Nicole Bachs-Fuss!”

“Oh fuck!” Michael exclaims. “My bids!” He leaps up as best he can and starts to hobble out.

“She’s already taken the money, Michael!” Emmett calls out as he returns to the booth. “She gave you a receipt!”

“Oh, double fuck!” He groans and shuffles out slump shouldered and with Ems’s familiar cackle, ringing in his ears.

“So Ems, how bad is it?” I smirk.

“Those two are the only two who are just A-listed. And I swear the comments were there before I had my fit of pique!”

“Show me!” I demand guffawing and he slides round my side of the booth with a look of glee.

RACCOON CREEK STATE PARK - SUNDAY MORNING 0558

CHYNA

I can see Mr Mouthy bringing up the rear of his group and he is being chivvied along, but he’s going at a snail’s pace. Well isn’t he just going to be Mr Popular? “Less than a minute before you are late!” I bellow. “If one’s late then everyone gets punished!” This almost has the desired effect as he speeds up for a whole second, before slowing back down again.

“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3…”

“Move it, Michael!” Ted calls back. “I will make it my mission to circumcise you with secateurs if…”

“2, and 1 - you’re late!” I yell.

12 pairs of eyes swivel to the lollygagger, who starts to limp noticeably now. “Problem, Michael?” I call out.

“I think I have pulled a muscle. I don’t think I will be able to participate.”

“Oh, I see. Then the rest of the class can do your laps for you.” There is much huffing, puffing and kissing of teeth. “Okay, let’s get something straight real quick! You can swear, you can cry, you can call me a bitch but what you will not do is kiss your teeth in my class. No way.”

“I would listen to the lady. I didn’t and had to buy a new set of teeth when she let go of the stretch band and it popped me in the mouth…”

“And very pretty teeth they are, too.” I laugh at him. “Now for those of you who don’t know him, this is Drew Boyd. He’s a former Iron Man and will be helping me with the class today and every other Sunday. So first some gentle warm up exercises. 40 press ups. Drop!” I order and all bar Michael, hit the ground immediately. “Oh by the way, only go as fast as the slowest person....”

Immediately everyone starts to do their press ups, apart from five. Brian Kinney, Ted Schmidt, Daphne Chanders, Justin Taylor...and once he got the signal...Emmett Honeycutt. Drew and I exchange smirks.

“Aren’t you going to join us?” The supercilious voice of David Cameron, permeates the air.

“Nope. I prefer to exercise smart.” Brian retorts.

“You’re not exercising at all, actually. You are just standing there. Hardly smart or life enhancing...” He rebukes him.

“She said to go as fast as the slowest person.” Daphne explains. “The slowest person is Michael and he’s not doing anything. Therefore…”

“Like Brian said David, exercise smart!”

He glares at me, but says nothing. He’s been coming to my class for a while now. Not that he’s happy about it, but as the Iron Man chiropractor, he has to be able to heft heavyweights. He’s getting there; after all, he should be able to carry something else around besides his ginormous ego!

“Right, now listen carefully. We are going to do two circuits round the park. Do not overdo, just go at your normal pace. However, aim to do the two circuits in under 10 minutes. We’re going to split you up, half go clockwise the other go counter-clockwise. Once you are in your teams, you can’t swap out. You’re stuck with each other until the end of the 3 months, and the losing team has a forfeit of my choosing at the end of the three months...Drew, can you split them please?”

Five minutes later Brian, Daphne, Emmett and David are on the Cock team and Ted, Justin and a suddenly fit, Michael are on the Ass team. “No Boyd, you get Ass! You’re good with Ass, right?”

“Yeah especially if they are tall and have a tight-tight end.” He looks across at Emmett, who goes adorably pink.

“Next is the thing you have been most looking forward to!” I yell as I pace in front of them. “The tire roll...I take it Michael that you have cramp again?”

“No, I’m fine.” He replies tightly.

“Good. Good...so let us begin.”

DAPH

I hate him! I hate him with the strength of a thousand suns! Justin has the god given common sense not to look my way as the tires are rolled towards us.

“What is going to happen is that you will be timed. Each team member will roll the tire 100 meters.”

“And?” David asks.

“And that’s it.” Chyna smiles. “Oh wait, silly me. Blindfolded. You have to do it blindfolded and rely on your teammates for guidance. Once you reach the end of the 100 meters, you must stack the tires one on top of each other, again blindfolded. It’s about communication…you have 2 minutes to strategize!”

The more I listened to David Bangeron speak, the more I realised that we should be listening to Brian, who was just staring incredulously at him. “So your plan is to just shout at us and hope that we are louder?!”

“I’ve done this type of exercise before and…”

“Okay, here’s the thing. You need to have one voice leading and we need to hone in on that one voice. And frankly, I’ve heard enough of yours. Daphne, you and Emmett go together, side by side, take a good look at the course and go slow.”

“That is not going to work!” He pontificates, but 15 minutes later, he was eating his words as we beat them by a good 3 minutes.

“You were saying?” Brian snarks.

“Well you got lucky, I suppose.” He responds churlishly.

“Not luck, I just exercised smart.” He bites back but David doesn’t reply.

For the next four hours, we are put through all kinds of exercise hell. All semblance of arrogance and bravado disappear as we gals show the men how it is done...not a drop of sweat between us! They, however, all look like they went through a carwash!

“What fresh hell is that?!” Ted almost weeps as their helpers from hell wheel over two wagons with large round things in garbage bags.

“Everyone take a bag each and a lance!” Drew orders and with worried expressions, we do so. “Now this is the fun part...almost the end. Chyna.”

“Take them out then!” Warily we do as we’re told and reveal extra large space hoppers. Everyone except David and Michael start to smile and then grin. “So space hopper jousting. No teams, it’s one on one until the final. So, now you know why I asked you to write your names down and put it in the bucket. First to joust is Drew vs Campbell!”

Soon we are roaring with laughter and yelling and cheering as those, who were sourpusses and know-nothings were easily dispatched. Just one to go!

“David vs Daphne!”

“Don’t worry, Daphne, I will be gentle! You’re my teammate, after all.” He smarms.

“Daph, you got this?!” Brian gets behind me and rubs my shoulders. “Need pointers?”

“Solar plexus as hard as I can?” I respond grinning.

“This is my fag hag, nobody’s but mine! Understand?”

“I saw her first!” Emmett objects laughing.

“But I’m taller, broader and better looking!”

“Well I can’t argue against that!”

“Could we get on with this? I want to play the winner of the next game.” David huffs.

Ems, Brian and I all exchange looks and I see Justin roll his eyes.

“Jousters in position! On your marks, get set, bounce!”

Two minutes later, I get off my hopper and hide behind Brian as everyone else crowds round a wheezing and gasping, knocked on his ass David. “Doc, you okay?!” Drew demands. “Can you speak?!”

“I’m...fine…” He growls out. “Well done, Daphne.”

“Thank you!” I call out once I have composed myself.

“So the next one is. Michael vs Justin.” Drew announces.

“Prepare to lose, blondie!” Michael calls out and I slap my forehead.

“What?” Emmett asks.

“Two things that Justin hates and I mean hates is being called blondie and losing.”

“Jousters in position. On your marks get set, bounce!” Drew calls out.

“Is it me or Michael’s lance a little…” Emmett begins as they bounce towards each other.

“STOP RIGHT NOW!” Chyna bellows and everyone goes still and quiet. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” She shouts at Michael. “Your lance is too fucking high! If that had hit Justin in the face, what the hell do you think would’ve happened?!”

“You’d have to kiss his boo-boo better?” Michael retorts, smirking.

“You think it’s funny to get smacked in the face, do you?”

“It’s got a sponge tip, what’s the big fucking deal?”

“Justin, get up.” He quickly does as he’s told. “Drew...restart us.”

“Oh, this is not going to be good.” Ted mutters. “Funny, but not good!”

And sure enough, as they bounce towards each other, he has his lance aimed directly at her face. The world seems to stand still as they get closer and closer, and then she dips her lance into the ground and like a pole vaulter sails over the top of him, leaving her hopper on the ground still bouncing towards him… he watches her fly, and just as he turns back around to look in front of him, it hits him straight in the face, knocking him off his feet and flat on his back. The crunch as it connects could be heard for miles.

“Yeah, that’s one nose broken!” I splutter as he writhes on the ground, clutching his face.

“Doc! Don’t just stand there! Help him!” Drew bellows.

“Fuck me!” Justin gasps, and is looking behind Michael. We all turn to where he is looking, and Chyna is twirling her body down to the ground. “That was incredible!”

“I do a pole dancing class.” She grins before her face darkens and she looks at Michael, who is being helped by David. “How’d it feel to get smacked in the face, then?”

“I thud thue you!” He snaps.

“Oh thut up!” She snaps back before turning to the rest of us with a smile. “So the winning team, of course, is Cock! So the prizes are exercise based. You get to pick the classes for next week. But pick wisely because everyone will be doing it. The Ass team, however, will be doing it in these.” She rifles in her bag and pulls out an outfit that renders everyone mute.

“No. Please no!” Justin cries. “Please let me swap teams! I will pay you a million bucks!”

“What are the class choices?” Emmett asks, looking at the outfit and then their group.

“Emmett, I’m your customer! A very loyal and greedy customer. Just begging you to remember that!” Justin calls out as we crowd round looking at the list.

“We have made our choice. We’re doing pole dancing!” Emmett announces and I look across at Brian and he looks astonished.

“Pole dancing. Why?” Brian whispers.

“Remember I said someone has a bubble?” Emmett whispers back. “That would be Justin.”

“Does he? Does he indeed?” He looks across at Justin, who glares back.

“Pole dancing, it is!” Chyna declares. “And class is done!”

DAVID CAMERON’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

BATHROOM

DAVID

As I oil my slightly paunchy body, I vow to get in shape. I pinch the love handles and sigh as they flop back into position. I flex my chest and vow to shave my nipples before next week. At least I have a week to lose some water weight. Knowing I don't have any time to waste, I reach for the pills that I know will work. While I was tending to Michael, he was filling me in on who’s who and he’s kinda cute. However, at the end of the day, he’s not what I want, but I will use him to get who I need. And I need to either have Brian’s cock in my ass or my cock in his!