March 12 – (27 weeks)

Brian sat back on the couch, watching Justin connect his laptop into the TV and fiddle with the cables, and wondered how he had gotten to this point in his life. The point where he was actually conceding to watch birth class videos with his husband rather than going out and sucking and fucking the night away like he'd expected to do for the rest of his life. That is, until he found a certain little, blond twat standing under a street lamp and took him home with him nearly fourteen years ago.

He knew he should have skipped the 'are you coming and staying' option; because had he done that, he now wouldn't be facing twenty-three agonizing minutes of some woman explaining labor basics to him and his husband. Why anyone would actually need twenty-three minutes to explain what seemed like common sense to him, he didn't know, but the brat he'd married insisted that they do so just to make sure they didn't miss anything of importance.

"That should do it," Justin said, walking over and curling up on the couch with his laptop; he quickly clicked on the internet icon and navigated to the Baby Watch site that he'd become obsessed with soon after finding out he was pregnant. "Do you need to get anything before we get started?"

"NoDoz?" Brian quipped, yelping when Justin jabbed him in the ribs with one of his fucking pointy elbows. "What is it with you and my fucking ribs? Can't you aim for something else once in a while and give them a chance to heal before you go bruising them up again?"

"Are you sure you want to give me that kind of leeway?" Justin smirked, arching a brow as he pulled up the first video.

"Sure," Brian said, smirking when Justin looked at him in surprise. "Because I know damned well you'd never injure that, Sunshine. You like having access to it too much to ever aim down there unless you were seriously pissed off."

"Are you trying to say that you'll withhold sex if I were to do that?" Justin scoffed.

"No," Brian snorted; because him withhold sex? Please; like he would punish himself that way. "But if you used your pointy, little elbows rather than your mouth on my dick, Sunshine, it won't matter how much either of us wanted to have sex. It just won't be happening for a while."

"Point," Justin conceded, and then he turned back to his laptop and the video that Brian so did not want to see, but was watching because he liked his dick right where it was. "So today's 'class' is twenty-three minutes long and broken up into eight videos."

"Likely keeping in mind the numerous bathroom breaks that you'll need to make during it," Brian snickered, diving out of the way when Justin made to elbow him again. "What, you know I'm right. Honestly, you're in the bathroom more than any other room these days."

"Asshole," Justin huffed, throwing a couch cushion at his head. "I'd like to see how you would deal with Sunbeam using your bladder like a trampoline."

"Now, now, Sunshine," Brian teased, sliding back over to Justin and dropping a kiss on the top of his head. "Don't get cranky."

"I'll show you cranky." Justin muttered, and then clicked the video. "Let's get this over with then; no more trying to distract me."

Brian briefly considered challenging that statement and seeing just how long he could distract Justin from the birth class videos, but then decided that it would be more trouble than it was worth. Not only would he still have to watch them at a later date; he would also have to deal with a pissy Sunshine, and that was so not fun. So he turned to the TV with a skeptical look and sighed; as Justin said, might as well get it over with.

What is labor really like?

Brian snorted as the title flashed across the screen, drawing Justin's reproving glare his way; well, they were off to a good start. He could already sense that he was going to end up hating this entire process, especially when the perky so-called birth class expert came onto the screen and introduced herself.

"Hi, I'm Edith Bradenbury, editor in chief of Baby Watch and a mom…" the woman said, and then prattled on a bit about how she was just so happy that they decided to take Baby Watch's classes and what the classes were about.

"That's it?" Brian asked, frowning when no credentials followed her claim to fame. That really didn't sit well with him as, if this woman was supposed to be their instructor, he'd hope she had a few letters to follow her name. Even if the script had been written by a doctor; it was all about presentation and reassuring your audience. "That's the sum total of her credentials? Well, that's reassuring."

"Hush you," Justin shushed him, dismissing Brian's concerns with a wave of his hand as he continued to watch the screen. "I can't hear the video."

"Well then, by all means," Brian said dryly, snickering when Justin frowned. "We wouldn't want to miss her expert advice."

Justin rolled his eyes, but didn't bother to respond. Brian just shook his head and turned back to the video, snorting once again when the woman decided to state the obvious once more. Seriously, who wrote these scripts? Whoever it was, they really needed to be fired.

"There are some important things to know," Edith said in a calm, measured tone, as if she were expecting the viewers to run screaming from the room at any minute. "And some choices you might want to make ahead of time."

"Actually, I figured we could wing it," Brian quipped, smirking when Justin threw another pillow his way. "People have been doing this for years without classes, after all."

"Shut up, Brian," Justin huffed, but the corner of his mouth twitched, so he too had to realize just how silly this entire thing was.

"Some of the most common questions that moms-to-be-ask are – what will labor be like? Will it be the worst pain I've ever felt? And can I really do this?" Edith paused for impact and smiled warmly at the camera. "Yes, you can do it…"

"See that, Sunshine?" Brian nudged Justin in the side and then turned toward him with wide eyes and exclaimed. "You can do it!"

"Are you just going to sit here and mock the entire video?" Justin asked, but he was obviously fighting back his own smile at the twee video.

"Probably," Brian said, an unrepentant smirk on his face; Justin just shook his head and continued to torture himself by paying attention to Edith, while Brian paid only enough attention to get the general gist of it.

Labor is different for everyone…blah, blah, blah… people have different levels of pain tolerance... blah, blah. There are three ways to give birth…yadda, yadda… and most births take between 6-24 hours. Brian paused on that long enough to pray Justin was one of those on the shorter time side, because otherwise he was fucked. And not in the fun, life-affirming way. And apparently first time pregnancies take longer than second time pregnancies. Great. He was fucking doomed from the start.

The video ended with some 'real' mom testimonials, reaffirming everything in that Edith had shared in the video and then ended on the peppy note that, 'yes, you can do this too!' Brian just shook his head and prayed that the rest weren't like this otherwise he'd never last.

"So kiddies, what we learned today is…" Brian paused to mime a drum roll, making Justin snort. "Is that birth, no matter the strength, is going to hurt and it will take a long ass time. So, basically what every carrier has been telling us since the beginning of time. I feel so much more informed."

"You're such an ass," Justin laughed, shaking his head as he pulled up the next video.

"Sunshine," Brian huffed, looking at the TV with trepidation. "We could have learned more from watching Animal Planet. Please tell that was all for today."

"Nope," Justin said, a sadistic grin on his face; and Brian had a feeling that this was payback for his little joke yesterday and his smart-ass commentary through the first video. "We still have six or seven more videos to go today."

"Joy," Brian deadpanned, staring at the screen as the video began to play.

Should I choose a doctor or a midwife?

"Well, we've already chosen a doctor, so we can skip this one, right?" Brian said hopefully, knowing full well that Justin wasn't about to cave despite the fact they had no need for this information.

"Most people have by this point, but it may hold information we haven't considered, so no," Justin stated mildly, a shit-eating grin on his face.

Brian narrowed eyes at the giggling twat; well, that just confirmed his suspicions that the little brat was going to make him suffer through every one of these damned things whether they needed them or not.

And really, he'd been right. Because Edith walked them through the various options, interspersed with 'real' mom testimonials on their choices and why they made them. Which was all well and good, if they had actually been trying to decide between a doctor and a midwife; but since Justin was scheduled for a cesarean because of his doctor's earlier concerns with his blood pressure, it was pointless.

"Well, that was a waste of time," Brian commented, arching a brow at Justin.

"Brian…" Justin huffed, looking at him with exasperation.

"Justin," Brian said, a serious expression on his face for the first time. "You're scheduled for a c-section due to the fact that your blood pressure is still higher than they like. That means doctor, period. There was no point to watching that."

"I know," Justin frowned and shrugged, hating to be reminded of the continued health concern; and then he smirked, a devilish glint entering his eyes as he tried to lighten the mood. "Maybe next time you'll stop being a smart-ass."

And Brian just stared at him, and then turned away, muttering under his breath about unreasonable twats that lived to make his life hell. Justin just giggled and pulled up the next video. The little shit.

It just went downhill from there.

Where do most carriers give birth?

"Didn't we already cover this?" Brian asked immediately, because he could have sworn that they'd already covered this topic.

"No," Justin said, his eyes wide and innocent, and Brian just snorted at his obvious lie. "They were just talking about the kind of practitioner that most people use."

"No way, Sunshine," Brian argued, scrubbing a hand through his hair as he stared balefully at the screen. "I heard it. The last one said that most carriers choose to give birth with a doctor, in a hospital. Do we really need to watch a whole video on the delivery venue?"

"They'll likely cover the actual birthing suite," Justin blithely said, a serene smile on his face. Fucking little shit was just dragging this out now to torture Brian. "So yes."

"I thought that was what our little tour was for," Brian said, eyeing his snickering husband with no little amount of exasperation.

"You can't have too much information for the day of," Justin stated solemnly; and then he snickered when Brian just stared at him like he'd grown another head.

"Pause this," Brian groused, tossing the pillow in his lap aside and making to stand because if he had to go through this, he wasn't doing it sober. "I need some Beam to get through this."

"Sit your ass down," Justin huffed, dragging him back onto the couch and sitting on his lap for good measure. "If I can't have Beam to get through this, neither can you."

And that was just unfair; but Brian sat back and wrapped his arms around Justin, pulling him against his chest as the video began to play.

"Nearly all carriers in the United States give birth in hospitals…" Edith said pointing to a chart that showed that ninety-nine percent were hospital births, making Brian snort.

"Well, that's a surprise," Brian deadpanned, grunting when Justin hissed and planted his elbow into Brian's stomach this time. "I'm so glad I watched this video; otherwise I never would have guessed that."

The video covered the most common places that carriers went to give birth – the hospital, birth centers and at home; and the benefits and drawbacks of all three. But it was, again, a pointless waste of time, as anyone with even half of a functioning brain cell could have figured it all out for themselves without watching an inane video.

"Well, that was two-and-a-half minutes I'll never get back from my life..." Brian huffed, grabbing Justin's arms and pinning him against his chest this time to save his body from further abuse.

Using a Doula as a Labor Coach:

"We should invest in one of those, Sunshine," Brian said as soon as the title flashed on the screen, just knowing that Justin would hate the idea and wanting to get a little of his own back for being forced to watch these mindless videos.

"Oh, hell no," Justin immediately spat, turning around to glare at him. "You are not getting out of this, buster! If I have to deal with it, so do you."

"Actually," Brian said, fixing his face into a mask of innocence. "I was thinking of the times I'd be lying on the floor crying because you'd managed to get lucky kick, punch, hit or pinch in. This way there is someone to seamlessly step in while I recovered."

Justin snorted and rolled his eyes; well aware of the pile of bullshit that Brian was spouting.

"Pinch?" Justin asked, arching a brow.

"You have a wicked grip, Sunshine," Brian said, wiggling his brows, and delighting when Justin flushed at the reminder of the other night. "I've had bruises for days after you got through with me. Not that I was complaining."

"Why does everything come back to sex with you?" Justin asked, shaking his head in despair.

"Why are you even asking that question?" Brian countered, staring at Justin as if he couldn't believe that was even a question that needed to be asked. "I swear, some days it's like you don't even know me."

"Whatever," Justin huffed and clicked play on the video; but Brian was barely even paying attention to them anymore as he'd yet to find anything useful.

"A doula may act as your main support, tag-team with your partner or just guide your partner on how to help you…" Edith said with a supportive smile, and Brian smirked.

"See?" he pointed out to Justin, who just rolled his eyes again. "Even she gets it. This is actually the most informative video we've seen so far."

"Actually, I'm just going to invite my mother in with us so she can keep you in line." Justin said in all seriousness, making Brian blanch at the idea. Because as much as he loved Mother Taylor, that just sounded like a disaster waiting to happen.

"Can't we have Deb?" Brain asked plaintively; and then paused and shuddered at his own suggestion. What on Earth was he thinking? It had to be the videos; their inanity were slowly eradicating all trace of his common sense.

"No." Justin shuddered along with him; and thank God one of them had been thinking. "God no, I need someone there that will remain calm and keep me calm, not make me want to kill them. It insures your survival."

5 Signs that you're in labor...

"Don't say it," Justin huffed, holding up one hand in an obvious effort to cut off any comment Brian could have made when the title came up.

"Say what?" Brian asked, all faux innocence; to which Justin just snorted and shot him a 'get real' look. Brian shrugged. "I didn't say a thing."

"I know you," Justin said, pointing an accusing finger in his face; which Brian promptly bit. "I just know you had something sarcastic to say about the video; I was preempting it."

"Please, Sunshine," Brian said, releasing Justin's finger with a guileless smile. "Have a little faith."

"Oh, I have faith alright," Justin snorted and cast him a knowing look. "Faith that you'll find something snarky to say about the title."

"I'm hurt," Brian said, pressing his hand against his chest in mock dismay; and then shrugged and smiled slyly. "Although, now that you mention it…I would have thought that the screaming and the spousal abuse would be an excellent sign." He paused for effect. "The 'I've got to take a shit' grimace would be a dead giveaway as well."

"See!" Justin exclaimed, poking Brian in the stomach. "I knew you were going to say something like that."

"Well, as you've always said since you were seventeen, Sunshine," Brian laughed, pressing a kiss to his husband's flushed cheek. "You are on to me."

Justin grinned and then started the video, that Brian really could have happily lived the rest of his life having never seen, because ick. The baby dropping information wasn't bad, although he couldn't resist teasing Justin when it mentioned that, while dropping in the pelvis meant he would breathe easier, he would also likely have to pee more often.

"Is that even possible at this point?" he asked, dodging the pillow that flew up into his face. "I swear you spend more combined time in the bathroom daily than a teenage girl does getting ready for prom."

And then they covered Braxton Hicks contractions, which Brian didn't really care about as he'd already heard all about them from Lindsay. But the cervix ripening part, when the cervix begins to soften, thin and open to get ready for birth? That he could have done without.

"Well," Brian said, scrunching his nose in disgust; and he couldn't help noting that Justin wasn't looking all that happy himself. "That sounds pleasant."

But it was when Edith was sharing the joys of the passing of the mucus plug – that bit of thickened mucus that seals the cervix during the pregnancy – that he really got a bit squeamish. Especially when she described that it may come out in the form of a lump or discharge after the cervix ripens.

"Gross," was his only assessment of that; as, in truth, he was trying to repress the information for his own sanity.

And then she talked about the water breaking – when the fluid from when the amniotic sack ruptures and then comes out in a continuous trickle up until birth – and Brian was done.

"What?" Justin teased, obviously taking great delight in Brian's squeamishness. "Nothing smart to say this time?"

"I'm blocking it out at this point or I'll never want to have sex again," Brian declared; and it was amazing how quickly the little twat switched videos after that.

What do contractions feel like?

"They hurt like fuck?" was Brian's opening sally; not even waiting for Edith to start talking as he couldn't even believe that this was even a topic. Especially given the fact that they'd already covered that pain and contractions were relative to the person.

He braced himself, waiting for a pointy elbow to embed itself into some part of his body, but Justin remained suspiciously quiet. So quiet in fact, that it was creeping Brian out. So, he poked him and when he still didn't get a response, he decided to comment further in the hope of getting him to react.

"What, not going to say anything?" Brian challenged, snickering when Justin glared at him over his shoulder.

"No, because I kind of agree that this seems pointless," Justin stated between gritted teeth; and Brian had to laugh at how utterly annoyed his husband sounded having to admit that.

"Ha!" Brian cried triumphantly, making Justin scowl. "I knew you would slowly come over to the dark side." Brian paused as Justin's scowl deepened and then he leaned over and whispered. "We have Twinkies…"

"Ohhhh," Justin growled, picking up a pillow and beating him over the head with it; all the while Brian just laughed at him. "You did not just go there."

"Yes," Brian smugly said in between laughs. "Yes, I did."

"Asshole," Justin huffed and turned back around to start the next video, but he definitely didn't seem to be as into them as he'd first had been.

How to Time Contractions

Brian stared at the title a little flummoxed because, what? Justin looked equally perplexed, his mouth opening and shutting as if he didn't know what to say to that.

"With a watch?" Brian asked, trying not to laugh at his own bewilderment.

Justin snorted, and then clasped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to stave off the giggles that were building up inside of him. So, of course, Brian had to poke at that.

"Was that not correct?" Brian deadpanned, looking at Edith as if she would give him the answer to his quandary. "Was the answer kumquat?"

Justin slapped his hand over his forehead and leaned over, a loud belly laugh ripping from his lips at the question. And then he leaned back, and rested his head against Brian's shoulder as he continued to laugh helplessly at the inanity of it all. Brian started laughing himself, unable to resist the infectiousness of Justin's laughter. Although, he did manage to sober long enough to get one last quip in.

"I do like the Zen background music though. It makes me feel like 'I can do this!'" Brian said, pumping his fist into the air.

Justin just kept right on laughing, swiping his hands over his eyes to clear them of tears as he slumped into the couch, his cheeks rosy with mirth and his body convulsing with each new wave of laughter that washed over him. And in reality, they had to put of the last video off until after Justin got his laughter under control, and then ran to the bathroom so he wouldn't literally pee his pants laughing.

In Labor? When to Call the Doctor or Midwife

After about fifteen minutes, they finally managed to finish out the series, but neither of them where taking it very seriously anymore. Even Justin, who had held out for as long as he possibly could, wasn't able to work up much enthusiasm when the last title came across the TV screen. He just looked resigned to the inevitable.

"Well," Brian said, rolling his lips between his teeth as he stared at the title. "I would hope that it was before the baby pops out and says hello, but what the hell do I know?"

"Didn't they just say this with their 5-1-1 rule?" Justin huffed, shaking his head and trying to figure out why this was being addressed in a separate video when it had already been discussed in the previous one. "Wait until they are five minutes apart, one minute long and have continued that way for an hour?"

"You were listening, Sunshine!" Brian said, patting his husband on the head; Justin flipped him off. "Gold star! Go to the top of the class."

"I can't believe I wasted twenty-three minutes of my life on this," Justin huffed, shutting the laptop down with no little amount of disgust and then walking towards the door. "I need a fucking Twinkie."

"I'm right behind you, Sunshine," Brian said as he scrambled off of the couch and followed Justin out of the media room and up the stairs to the kitchen. "Just make mine a Beam."

"What, you're not going to stop me?" Justin snorted, looking incredulously over his shoulder.

"No, you earned one after sticking that out," Brian snorted, grabbing a tumbler out of the cupboard and pouring himself two fingers of Beam. Justin snorted and grabbed his precious box of faux-Twinkies and took two of them out before flopping into a chair. "Just don't get used to it. It's a one time concession only."

"We'll just see about that." Justin said, defiantly biting into both before Brian could even react, and then just smiling like the smug little twat that he was.