CHAPTER 31 - BIG GRUMP, LITTLE GRUB AND THE START OF THE BIG SNUBS

MICHAEL’S HOUSE - TWO HOURS LATER

STUDY

MICHAEL

I sigh and try once more to call Ma, but once again it goes to voicemail. All I want to do is say sorry and explain that I reacted in the heat of the situation. With hindsight I can understand why she is so mad, but for her to give my key back and say that she would’ve left me in jail...that really hurt. I am used to Brian saying hurtful things or a slap upside the head from her, but this has winded me.

“Any luck?” Lindsay asks, coming back in with a glass of wine and bottle of beer, which she hands to me.

“Nope. Nothing.”

“Well, I have had a bit of luck in the interim. Well two pieces.” She sits down and looks like the cat who got the cream.

“Well go on then, share some joy.” I sit in my armchair that faces onto the street, I watch Ben go by with the muscular guy from Woody’s and Justin. I grimace as they laugh and joke when they look at my house.

“Are you sure you want to hear or are you going to scowl at passersby instead? You’ve already upset one member of your inner circle today, do you…”

“Sorry. You were saying?”

“My cottage problem has been resolved.” She grins wider. “I couldn’t believe it when my parents offered to pay the majority of it and…”

“How much was it in the end?”

“$90,000. So they are paying $80,000 and Mel and I are doing the rest.”

“Wow! If I only I had parents like that!” I sigh.

“She will forgive you, she always does.” She takes a sip of wine. “The other piece of news is that the dinner has been confirmed…”

“Oh great, something to look…”

“But you no longer have to come if you don’t want to. I mean, with all of your troubles, surely time would be better spent reconnecting with Debs, who in turn can approach Brian on your behalf. She forgives, then he forgives...it’s always worked in the past, hasn’t it?” I nod. “Then it will work once more. Just give her time.”

“So, are you going by yourself then?” I ask and she looks stunned. “What’s that look for?”

“I am not going by myself. It’s not done to turn up unaccompanied.”

“So which pussy magnet are you taking?”

“Puss...oh I see! Now, I don’t want you to get upset, but it’s Officer Dreyfuss.”

“The officer who arrested me?! What on earth are you taking him for? In fact, why are you taking a man at all?!”

“I was going to take you, remember? Or are you not a man yourself?”

“You know what I meant! A straight man.”

“He intrigues me.” She smiles strangely. “And besides, Mel is going and that is going to piss her off!”

“Ah, always a good thing!” I laugh for the first time today. “Thanks for letting me off this, I would have had to have worn such an uncomfortable pair of shoes! How Brian…”

“Proper shoes?” She looks dubious when I nod. “So where did you buy this weapons of torture?”

“Prada. I don’t understand how Brian can wear these every day!”

“Wow, Prada, I am impressed! Though I am not surprised you found them painful, you live in sneakers!”

“True. I am not as prissy and plucked as some. Though Brian carries it off with great style, his wannabe dom does not, he looks like a school kid playing dress-up. Actually, can I still come?”

“Why as a matter of interest?”

“I’m curious as to how the other half live.”

“Just like everyone else but with more money. I will see what I can do about a ticket, but it might be too late, they are highly sought after you know.”

“Yeah, he said they were on the top table.” I roll my eyes. “So how did this straight date happen?”

“We just clicked. Do you want another beer?” She asks, and I quickly drain it and hand over the bottle then reach for my phone when it rings, I smile and give a thumbs up.

“Hi Ma!”

She nods and closes the door as she leaves.

KITCHEN

LINDSAY

Fuck! I had forgotten about the top table! I’m on the 5th, so will just about be able to see them, I tried to see the actual seating plan, but they are, as usual, a fiercely guarded secret! Though doggedly guarded is the right description since the carrier’s mother is in charge...I can’t wait to see this being a roaring success...not! So, not only do I get to show off my new beau but I get to watch the mess unfold too!

Tomorrow afternoon is going to be the start of the excellence, as I have to pick up my dress...I know exactly what Mel will be wearing, the same one she always wears! I made sure of that! I pour the wine and take a sip. On hearing my phone ringing from my bag in the hallway, I go to answer it. When I look at the screen, I am surprised to see it is Annabella. Well, after the last time we were together she can go to voicemail!

“For fuck sake!” Michael shouts as he storms out of the study.

“What’s happened now?” I follow him to the kitchen.

“She told me to stop calling her, and if I don’t she’s going to block me!” He wrenches the cap of the bottle off. “She said, she didn’t even listen to my voicemails, as she doesn’t care about me right now!” He turns to face me and glares. “Well?! What do you think of that?!”

“You tried to have her arrested for public indecency.”

“I know what I did! I am trying to make it better, but to not even listen to my messages as well as returning my key is harsh! She threw it at me...me! She threw it! And she’s had the locks changed!”

“Jeez!” I gasp and can see genuine hurt and confusion on his face.

“She’s overreacting!” He snarls taking another swig of beer.

“No she’s not!” I snap, all sympathy now gone. “And I would keep away from her like she says. You forget one thing…”

“She’s the mother of the avenue blah-blah-blah! But she is my mother first! If it was Brian who did this…”

“And that’s the point, if you are going to say she would forgive him, because…”

“He can do no wrong!” He gripes.

“He would never have done it.” I retort. “Ever. And another difference is that he owns his mistakes. Now I have a couple of calls to return.” He looks utterly thrown and is just staring at me with the beer partway to his mouth. “Goodnight.”

MICHAEL

Wel what the fuck crawled up her fanny and died?! I drain my beer and decide to head to Woody’s. Twenty minutes later I am staring at the muscular obstruction that is the guy that Ben was with.

“Like I said, it is closed.” He repeats.

“I can see people in there and they are drinking, so…”

“Refurbishment Committee.” He taps the notice on the wall, which I hadn’t seen.

“They are finally doing up this place?”

“Yes, Brian is…” I turn to face Ted. “...you are in my way Michael.” I just stare at him.

“Listen, matey. You standing there glowering at my friend like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle is not going to get you inside, and it is beginning to get on my threepennies…”

“Where on earth did you hear that from? And what are threepennies?” Ted asks laughing.

“It’s shit we say in England. Here, let me show you what I mean.” He pulls out his phone and starts to scroll through it. “Aha! There, see mirror image of him ain’t it? And as for threepennies, it’s rhyming slang...threepenny bits means tits.”

Ted nods and chuckles as he looks at the picture on the screen. “Can you send me that I need to have that as his contact picture!”

“No problem, Ted. Give me a few! There!”

“I demand to see that photo!” I exclaim, and try to reach for the guy’s phone.

“Me 6 foot 4, 275 with zero fat...you annoying me. Wise?”

“But that is a…” I protest.

“A picture of bulldog, whilst I know you are a bit of a mongrel this is not an actual picture of you.”

“It’s okay, Benson, I will take immense pleasure in showing him.” Ted crows and turns his phone to face me.

“You can’t use that photo!”

“Be on your way, matey, before I help you with that! You’ve gone from getting on my tits to fucking me right off! Who the hell do you think you are, telling people what they can or can’t do with their possessions?! And by possessions, I mean actual things not people! From what I’ve heard about you, you think that you are the glue that holds the family together when, in fact, you are the grenade that blows them apart!”

“Oh, very good! You should have that tattooed on your forehead. You know, as a warning sign!” I grimace at the bitchy tinge in Emmett’s voice and turn to leave. “Oh, no witty bon-mot! No justification for trying to get Debs arrested in your place because you put a dick on a cape?!”

“I would keep walking if I were you!” Benson calls out. “Your old lady is a diamond. How the fuck she ended up with a old bit of rusty worn-out cog for a son I don’t know!”

I storm back to my house with their laughter ringing in my ears!

INSIDE WOODY’S - 10 MINUTES LATER

KITCHEN

DAPH

I watch Emmett seethe as he moves things just so. When he slams the dishwasher so hard that it bounces back open, I know it is time for me to stop him. “Ems! That has only just been installed. What’s got up your urethra?”

“My what?” He exclaims backing away.

“Urethra, your..”

“Oh! I thought you said eureka and I was like what the fuck is that? And why haven’t I noticed I’ve got one!”

I chuckle briefly before sighing. “So what’s he done now?”

“Been himself of course! I know I was stupid but it was only because of Debs! I knew that Brian...well anyway it’s done, he’s out and ungrateful!”

“It’s done? What’s done? What did you do?”

“I paid the fine that got him out of there.”

“What on earth for?!” I demand and sit down quickly.

“I have my reasons...” He mutters.

“And what was the domineering... I mean a determining factor in your decision?”

“Domi…” He scrutinizes my face for a few seconds before heading to close the door. “I wondered who told him. So who told you?”

“Told me what?” I ask.

“About Big Bad and I fucking. You told Justin, as best friends do, so am figuring that either Mel or Debs told you.”

“Mel.” I concede and wait for signs of anger but he just smiles and nods. “And she’s got me thinking about something else…”

“Hence the domineering remark?” I nod. “Yes, I am, but no I didn't teach him. I am not good enough, he was taught by someone much better.”

“It wasn’t Jen was it?”

“No. It is someone that nobody would suspect and I will never reveal.” He replies firmly before grinning slightly. “But I can safely say, it is someone nobody would ever suspect!”

“It’s not Ted?!” I shudder slightly.

“We must leave immediately! As, clearly the gas is on and has mixed with the paint fumes, Ted indeed! The very idea...never mind that, the very image!”

LARRIMOR’S MALL - THURSDAY AFTERNOON

BRIAN

Little Grub definitely takes after me. We’ve been shopping for the last four hours, and he’s not grumbled one bit. He’s blown appropriately affirmative bubbles and scrunched up his nose when both of us disagreed with the salesman’s choice. I am looking forward to the dinner tomorrow night. The great and the good of the country...I can’t use my other word for them or Justin will tan my hide...will be there. Though I might say it just once to get his motor running. Mel has apparently been dragged out shopping by Emmett despite her best efforts to get out of it!

As we head back to the coffee shop, I see a guy I definitely know but I can’t think of where I know him from. I give him a brief smile and he looks away before looking back at me again. I stop and stare, and then close my eyes when I remember who he is, and where I know him from. Sighing, I head in his direction and his eyes widen. “Wait, please?” I call out as he starts to move away, he stops and puts his hands in his pockets. “Jeremy isn’t it?”

“You remembered.” I am unsurprised by his accusatory tone. “So, baby makes three does it?” He shakes his head. “That wasn’t fair, it is not your fault your bestie is a tool.”

“He’s not…” I am interrupted by a DEFCON 3 hungry cry from Little Grub.

“Saved by the baby.” He shrugs, and starts to move off.

“He can wait a few minutes. Can you let me finish?” He nods. “He’s not my best friend, nor is he a tool. He’s a twisted dickhead.” This gets a nod. “He had no right to treat you the way he did. Like I said, he’s a twisted dickhead.”

“It put me off Babylon for a long time.” He sighs. “And it didn’t help that any time he’d see me he’d get that…”

“Croc-smirk?”

“Pardon?”

“He smiles like a crocodile after a good meal when he’s been a…”

“Twisted dickhead?” He laughs.

“Yep. Look, I own Babylon now. Call this guy, he looks after the club…” I hand him Ted’s card. “He’ll set you up on a booth. It’s the least…”

“Thanks.” He says as he takes the card.

“Waaa-aaah!” Little Grub gives his best DEFCON 2 cry.

“He’s very cute, but that is one hungry little boy.”

“Yeah, I had better go. There is no three either, he’s mine and mine alone.” I put out my hand and he looks surprised. “Like I said, I shouldn’t have asked him to speak with you…” He nods again. “...and when I said speak I meant for him to buy you a drink and tell you...”

“That I should be ready and waiting for you in the back room…”

I grimace. “No, I said to tell you that I was very flattered but I was too wired to do a good job and to get your number.”

“Are you serious?!”

“Yeah. I was so fucked off that he thought it was funny to send you in there to wait for me while he took me home. I sent someone to tell you to leave before he could get in and do more damage.”

“Again thanks.”

“WAAAAAAAHAAAAAA!” Little Grub bellows and gives the Hungry Grub Glare.

“Shit we are at DEFCON 1!”

“Seriously get going!” He chuckles, and with a quick nod, I take his advice and find the nearest coffee shop!

JEREMY

As I head back to my car I am beyond seriously fucking fucked off! For months before they went away together to live their lives without bothersome wannafucks like you, he would be smirking and whispering to friends anytime he saw me. Everyone told me that The Stud would not behave like that, and now I know that to be true. What I also know is that his ex-best friend has no problem getting anybody in trouble. I was in the crowd at his comic store and I relished his arrest, but now I am going to make sure that he knows how it feels to be treated so cruelly. Oh yes, Mr Crocnotny, I am coming for you...and not in a positive life affirming way!

MICHAEL’S HOUSE - FRIDAY EVENING

HALLWAY

MICHAEL

I have taken Lindsay’s advice and haven’t called Ma, but I am still seriously pissed that Ted is using that as a contact picture for me! But right now we are on our way to the dinner. Turns out that one of the calls she had to return during her Fanny Crabby moment was to someone on the committee, and not only am I going but we’ve been moved up a couple of tables. This has made Lindsay very happy indeed.

“Lindsay, can we please get going now! If I stand in these fucking shoes one more minute I am going to faint!”

“This is why…” She says coming down the stairs picking a piece of fluff off her dress. “...I said to you to put them on when we get there. That was the point of the smarter trainers I told you to buy. You should be wearing them to the restaurant, and then put the shoes on once we got there.”

“I can’t wear them out! It’s raining!” I point at front door and she looks unimpressed.

“I can see that. If your new trainers are so precious to you, wrap your feet in plastic bags for the very short walk from the front door to the fucking car!” She snipes. “So am I waiting for you to wrap your feet or can we just put up an umbrella and go?!”

I snatch my umbrella from the stand and open the door. “Make sure you lock up properly!” I say over my shoulder as I hobble to the car.

LINDSAY

I wince as he slams the car door hard, and think to myself, if this house wasn’t going to be mine because of his congenital crapulent thought process I would so be out of here! Taking a breath of self-preservation, I lock up my house and head to the car.

NINE ON NINE - AN HOUR LATER

LINDSAY

I look at the restaurant and smirk to myself. Oh, her term is most likely going to be over by the end of the evening! That’s the whole point of having a country club, is that we eat there! Michael and I barely spoke on the way here and that suited me fine.

I spot Officer Dreyfuss...I mean Luke waiting for me outside and quickly exit the car, making sure to slam the door in that idiot’s face.

“Luke!” I call out and he turns and smiles.

“You look lovely Linds...uh, what is he doing here?” He asks, looking behind me, and I pray he doesn’t say anything else but of course my luck seems to have ended when I got in the car with the idiot. “I wouldn’t have thought this was your thing, Mr Novotny.”

“It isn’t, but when...owwww!” He yelps as I accidentally step back on his already sore foot.

“Oh, so sorry, Michael, are you alright?!” I exclaim, turning to him before turning back to Luke with a smile. “Why don’t you go inside and I will meet you there, I just need to check that he’s alright.” I watch Luke head inside before turning to Michael and his gurning face.

“No, I am not alright!” He hisses, and kneels down to start to undo his laces.

“Michael. What are you doing?” I whisper as quietly and as sternly as I can.

“Checking for blood, I can feel wetness. Those things…” He points at my heels. “Are like knives!”

“Can you at least get in the car and check!” I grab his arm firmly and haul him upright. “And if there is anything, then you can bi...I can pay for any medical bills you may incur!”

“Fine. And yes you will!” He carps and limps back to the car, I do an about face and head inside.

MELISSA

“Mom!” Daph calls out to me and she squeaks towards me, I shake my head at my darling daughter and just point at the bottom of her dress. “Sneakers off now. You’ve been stalling long enough.”

“Oh, alright! Seriously, childbirth wasn’t as bad as those damn heels.” She gripes as her dad comes towards us with her shoe bag. Giving me one more pleading look, she snatches the bag and squeaks to the ladies’ room.

I look around the restaurant and see the normally reserved denizens of the country set start to relax. They are out of their environment and, at first, they weren’t happy about it, but now I see them starting to lower their defences.

“Melissa!” Annabella calls out as she arrives with her husband, Jeff. “I concede defeat, you were right. Getting us out of our time capsule was the best thing!”

“Thank you. I am only a tiny bit smug and self-satisfied.”

“Of course you ar...aha, she’s here, with that pious you’ve fucked up look to boot. Go get her, Madam Chairwoman!”

“Oh no, this takes finessing. And by finessing I mean one fine piece needs to be in place. And here she comes now.”

CYNTHIA

God, I hate these things! But it is only the promise of a smackdown of immense proportions that got me here. Anything that involves dredging that louse in the muck and mire is worth getting tarted up for. I look around the oh, so very slim pick...holy shit who is that?!

“Hello, Cyn, are you enjoying yourself so far?” I tear my eyes from the tall streak of hotness and smile at Jennifer. “Before you answer that, there is someone I want you to meet.”

My heart sinks, she and my mom mean well but this is why I don’t come to these things, they are either wet-nosed mommas boys or closeted. Neither of which appeal to me!

“Can you give me a few minutes to do a lipstick check?”

“Two minutes.”

I nod and pull my mirror out to go through the motions and when I hear Jennifer clear her throat I look up. “Cynthia, this is Hunter. Hunter Montgomery. Hunter, this is Cynthia.”

I have died and gone to heaven. The streak of hotness is...called Hunter. Game on!

“Nice to meet you, Hunter.”

“Likewise. Do you want another drink?” He points at my glass.

“Yeah, the bar’s over there. Let’s go.”

“After you.” He gestures.

“Oh no. You first.” I smile. “I just need to speak to Jennifer for a second.”

“Okay, it’s gin right?”

“Please.” I wait for him to get out of earshot and lead her to a semi quiet spot and she’s looking very pleased with herself. “So the part-black tie theme…”

“It got you here, didn’t it?” She grins at me. “Now go get him!”

“Yes ma’am. Oh, and you and mom...so much trouble but in a good way! He is so fine and the way he is wearing that tee...”

“Less talking to me and more getting of him!”

JENNIFER

I smile as she slinks, for that is definitely slinking, towards him and his eyes light up in appreciation. When I was getting that knobhead nobbled, Debs told me about his business card idea and I liked his sense of humour. I was a bit wary when she said he is bisexual, but I watched him when he saw Cynthia, he’s on the straight team for now!

I flinch as I hear the grating tones of Nancy Peterson. Hammering a smile onto my face, I turn to greet her. “Nancy, Ronald, how lovely to see you.”

“Jennifer.” She smiles toothily at me, she really needs to get those dentures tightened. “I have to admit that I wasn’t sure about Melissa as Chairman and when…”

“Person. She being a she and in these politically enlightened times, except in some enclaves, it’s Chairperson. But do continue to insult her insidiously.”

“Ah, I do believe I see the Finches, I will just…”

“Be told the same thing.” I am so done with this fucking family. “The next chairperson will be me. And I am giving you a bit of a heads up. Don’t reapply for membership. It’s a waste of my time and your money. It is non-refundable after all.” While he looks relieved she looks appalled. “Now, excuse me, I am going to speak to the Finches. We have a lot to catch up on. For instance, that monster BBQ we had when they couldn’t come to your dinner because of her headache. A retrospective headache, never knew there was a thing.”

“Before you go, can you at least tell me what this is about?!” She demands.

“Look to your loins Nancy and see what you begat has got you verboten!”