Justin Taylor was an out and proud young gay man who became twenty one and found his soul mate, all on the same day. That was quite an accomplishment for anyone. The only problem was, the man he knew to be the only one he could give his whole heart to was a little over a decade older than him and most definitely set in his ways. And Brian Kinney's ways were not Justin's.
Justin thought back to the previous week. The day after meeting the tall gorgeous brunet at Babylon for the first time, Brian had taken Justin to his favorite haunt, the Liberty Diner, where the young man had the chance to meet Brian's closest friends. He had been slightly amused at the way the friends had gone out of their way to warn him not to get too attached to the lone wolf. They made it clear that Brian didn't do dating and serious relationships, or any kind of relationship outside of friendship for that matter. Certainly, he did not indulge in anything romantic, according to his friends. All that didn't gibe well with the affectionate and talkative man Justin had spent the previous night and day with. Justin might be considered 'wet behind the ears' by some, but he knew the difference between having sex and making love. There had been quite a bit of both with Brian Kinney in their brief time together.
He had spent a second night in Brian's loft making love in several locations, a favorite being the large thick rug on the floor after enjoying Chinese takeout for dinner. The next morning, Brian had set his alarm a half hour earlier than normal so that he could have time to drive Justin to classes before going in to work. They made a date to meet in the same spot when Brian picked him up after classes let out. This wasn't the behavior of a man who only did one time pickups and had no intention of doing anything else, and Justin knew it. Brian did pick him up, as promised, that afternoon and the two men went to Justin's place to pick up a few things. Justin had roommates in order to afford living on his own, and the men wanted to spend time alone getting to know each other. By the end of the day, Justin was staying with Brian in an unofficial, unconventional, 'nobodie's business but our own', kind of way... Brian's phrase.
**************************************
It had taken almost two more weeks of constant lovemaking, dancing together at Babylon, and long conversations during meals and late into the night before Justin sensed a subtle shift in the universe. Yes, Brian was as affectionate and passionate with Justin as ever, but there was also a restlessness about the ad man that seemed to creep in. Justin could see Brian giving the eye to a lot of the studlier dancers on the floor of the club, and he had tried to lure Justin to the back room in the last two nights there. Justin was as sexual as the next guy, but he was a lot less of an exhibitionist, as he was beginning to realize Brian must have been. Justin caught enough conversations at the club to know that Brian had been the center of attention in the back room for quite some time.
Justin had been so careful to avoid any romantic entanglements for such a long time, but now he was more than ready for real love and he had found the one he wanted to be with forever. Only problem was, he was beginning to be concerned that the chosen one hadn't yet matured to that same point as himself. Brian might have had a number of years on Justin, but he was definitely not as mature. After listening to some of Brian's stories of his upbringing, Justin understood the man's fears of opening his heart too fully but it irritated Justin that Brian couldn't see that he was someone the older man could trust completely with his whole heart.
On the first night of the third week after their first meeting, Justin finally saw a different side of Brian. They had gone to Babylon as per usual. An hour into the dancing, Brian again made an attempt to get Justin to join him in the back room. Justin suggested hanging with the circle of friends at the bar instead. Brian agreed, but his irritation showed. He had overheard more than one comment about how he had been tamed, and it was time to crown a new stud of Babylon. The feeling of not being in control and not being wanted or needed anymore began to choke Brian. He had become so blinded by his need to be accepted as the best at everything he did by as many people as possible that he could no longer recognize that it only took acceptance by one important person to make someone happy and fulfilled.
Brian couldn't deny that he felt a connection to Justin that he had never felt before with anyone else. The problem was that Justin had made it clear that he wanted everything from Brian. He wanted a commitment that Brian knew he was not ready for. He had lost control. He had stopped thinking as a single and had begun thinking of everything as a double. That thought scared him senseless. The problem was, how could he make Justin see that he still wanted the young man in his life but not exclusively. The answer finally presented itself the very next night. He would regain control and then make sure that Justin knew he still wanted the kid around. He would be the one in charge, and if Justin didn't like it he would be free to move on with no regrets...something Brian was pretty damned sure Justin would end up doing eventually anyway. This way the kid would have an easy out.
*********************************************
Justin had an art show he had to attend at the Academy. It was a monthly event that gave art critics, gallery owners, and patrons a chance to view the potential of the art students. Each student was allowed to display a small collection of their favorite pieces. They would be graded on what they chose and the reaction of the other guests. Comment cards were left out at each display. The students were even allowed to sell pieces if they chose. It was an event that Justin had no intention of missing. He had invited Brian, who had promised to attend. He was eager to have the older man come to the show because the centerpiece of his display was of a drawing he had created of Brian stretched out naked on his bed. Brian knew that Justin had sketched him, but he had no idea what the sketch looked like since it had disappeared from the loft before he caught a glimpse of it. Justin was dying to see how Brian would react to the sketch on display.
The work day had been long and boring for Brian. A new client had been bothersome, to put it mildly. His intrepid assistant, Cynthia, had been out sick with the flu so nothing was getting done to Brian's liking. On top of everything else, Brian couldn't get his concerns over Justin out of his mind. This was why he had avoided any romantic entanglements all these years. He had no desire to be responsible for someone else's happiness. He sensed that Justin would be less than thrilled if he knew that Brian had every intention of reestablishing his dominance at Babylon tonight. The thought of hurting Justin made Brian very uncomfortable, but he felt he was losing himself. He had to remedy the situation. He had to remind himself what made Brian Kinney a star...what gave him his identity. In his eagerness to take a stand and make it clear to Justin what he could expect from him in the future, Brian forgot all about his promise to show up at the art show.
Justin had spent the entire evening at the Academy fielding questions from enthusiastic admirers of his work and watching the entrance for that one familiar brunet. He had placed several calls over the course of the evening to see if Brian knew when he'd make it, but each call went straight to voice mail. Justin had sold over half his collection by the time the announcement was made that the show would be ending in fifteen minutes. The one piece that several buyers had inquired about and Justin had refused to sell was the sketch of Brian. He felt let down by Brian, but he was not prepared to part with the drawing that showed the man in all his magnificent glory. Just looking at the piece brought back such exciting memories of lying in Brian's bed wrapped in his lover's arms...of being kissed so deeply and passionately that he felt the earth had stopped turning just for them...of feeling Brian's body connected to his so profoundly and deeply that they were more one man than two...of feeling a spiritual connection that was every bit as powerful as the physical one they enjoyed. These were things that Justin knew he would never be able to feel with anyone else...not this strongly.
Justin tried Brian's cell number one last time. Still voice mail. He tried the loft number and only got the answering machine. He left a message that he would be stopping by to make sure that Brian was okay and then hung up. He gathered his belongings and joined his friend, Daphne, who had offered to give him a lift home after seeing that his new boyfriend hadn't shown up at the event. The ride to the loft had been held in an unusual silence for the two old friends. Justin couldn't get Brian's attitude the previous night out of his mind. He knew Brian was pulling away from him and it worried him. He knew it took two to make a relationship work. Justin got out of the car in front of Brian's building.
"It's really late Justin. Are you sure you don't want me to wait for you...you know, just in case Brian isn't home?"
"Nah! If it gets too late, I'll just take a cab back to the apartment. You go on. You need your rest. Don't you have some big tests coming up?"
"Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll leave you to your man. Hope he's okay. Give me a call in the morning if you get the chance and give me the scoop on why Brian missed your show."
"Will do," Justin promised. He sincerely hoped it was nothing more than mis-communication and that Brian thought the show was set for a different day.
He watched as Daphne drove off and then used the spare key that Brian had given him to unlock the front door of the apartment building. He had been truly surprised when Brian handed him the key the previous week, but taken it as just another sign that the man was ready to settle down with just one man. He became aware that only Brian's best friend, Michael, had another key when they both happened to meet at Brian's front door at the exact same time just four days earlier. They smiled and greeted each other and then began fishing in their pockets for the key when Brian didn't answer their knock. Michael was balancing a couple of take out boxes in one hand and held the key in the other when he realized that Justin was approaching the door with his own key. The look of shock couldn't be disguised on the dark-haired man's face. He explained, in a very surprised voice, that Brian had never given his key out to anyone else before, and that he thought it would never happen. It had made Justin feel quite proud, which he kept under wraps for Michael's sake.
Now Justin used that very same key to open the lock of Brian's door when he received no answer to his repeated knocks. The massive door slid open easily and Justin closed it behind him. The loft was quite dark, with no lamps or overheads turned on. He moved further into the loft and leaned against the side of the couch. Just as the young man was trying to decide whether to stay and wait it out or go on home, he heard laughter at the front door as it slid back again and three tall men stumbled through the opening into the foyer. Justin froze. There was just enough light from outside the door to make out that two of the men were strangers and the tallest was Brian. He was undeniably drunk or high and stumbled in with his arms around each man's waist. He turned to the wall and flipped on the main light switch. The living room was flooded with light.
Brian stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Justin standing over at his couch. The crazy laughter in his voice fell away and only the sound of the two strangers still giggling could be heard in the room. Brian had probably never sobered up so quickly in his entire life. He felt a sharp pain in his chest at the look of disgust that passed over Justin's face. But almost at that same instant, his defense mechanisms kicked in. He pointed over at Justin and got the attention of the two tricks leaning on him.
"Gentlemen, please....shhh, please. I'd like to introduce you to my......my friend, Justin. Justin, this is....." Brian paused and looked at both men. '......sorry, I didn't catch your names."
"Gary," answered the brunet.
"Terry," answered the red head.
Brian giggled childishly. "Gary, Terry....I must have let Larry slip away. Anyway, we were about to have a little party. Would you like to join us?"
Justin didn't say a word. He was seething inside. He had known that Brian was beginning to feel tied down, but he had thought the man would at least have the courtesy to give him a warning that he was about to go back to his tomcatting ways. Justin would have respected that. He would have hated it...he felt Brian was more than enough for him...but he would have understood it. This way was beneath him. He was about to curse Brian out when he looked into the man's eyes. The words died in his throat.
Justin could see the desperation in Brian's eyes. He had always been able, from the very first night, to read Brian's eyes. It was clearly obvious, but only to Justin, that Brian was taking no pleasure in what he was doing. Justin could see the scared little boy behind the lop-sided grin. It dawned on Justin that shock therapy might be the only way Brian knew how to deal with his confusion over his feelings for Justin. Justin remembered all the warnings and stories he had heard about Brian's fear of commitment...his fear of trusting in love. In that instant Justin could see Brian's need to prove that he couldn't be hurt by Justin in case he got bored and moved on... that his heart was invulnerable to such pain. Being the quick thinker he was, Justin made a decision and squared his shoulders. He approached Brian with a smile on his face that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Brian, you've made your point, now let me make mine. No, I won't join you. I don't need a string of men to make me feel good about myself. I do that on my own. I only need one man to make me feel loved. I think.... no, I know that man is you, but you're not yet grown up enough for me. You're worth waiting for, Brian, but I won't wait forever. When you think you're bold enough to take on a mature relationship... well, you know where to find me."
With that, Justin reached up, grabbing Brian around his neck, and pulled his head down. Justin kissed Brian with a ferocity that spoke volumes about the feelings he had inside him. He released the older man as suddenly as he grabbed onto him. Justin scooted around the threesome, pulling the key out of his pocket again. He placed the key on Brian's side table without a word, making sure that Brian saw what he did. He then walked out the still open door and took the steps down to the lobby.
Brian didn't move. His hands fell off the shoulders of the tricks. Suddenly his appetite for fun died. He could still feel Justin's lips on his and he knew that he didn't want these strangers anywhere near his body any longer. He turned to the men and started shoving them out the door.
"Party's over," he growled.
Amid loud protests, he slammed his door shut and stood trying to figure out what had just happened. A part of him knew it was what he had been aiming for. But then why did it feel so wrong? Why did it hurt so bad? What would happen next? The questions hurt his head. Brian went to bed, swallowing several aspirin first. He'd deal with it in the morning.
******************************************
It had been several weeks since Justin had taken a stand with Brian. He had gone through the motions with his friends and school mates, claiming everything was perfectly fine in his life. He accepted the compliments of teachers on his art exhibit at the show and banked the money he made in sales. He still went to classes and spent time with his friends. He still spent hours drawing the many things his artistic eye spotted when not in class, although the drawings seemed a little less inspired than before. The one thing he didn't do was show how unhappy he was. He had never felt so lonely, even in a crowd. He would catch himself getting excited every time he saw a tall brunet man in the crowd, but when the man would get close enough or turn around it was never 'him'. Justin was beginning to wonder if a little of Brian was better than none of him, but he shook the thought off as soon as it popped into his head. He wanted what he deserved. He wanted all of Brian. 'All or nothing', he told himself.
Justin had been careful to avoid any spot where he knew Brian hung out. He missed visiting the diner. He liked the atmosphere of the place. He missed Babylon. He loved to dance and was damned good at it. He missed Brian's friends. He liked them and had just begun to feel like one of them. Most of all, he missed Brian. It was a physical ache that got worse every day. He had trouble getting to sleep as he lay in his lonely bed. The vivid memories of making love with Brian made his nights a torture. He woke up frequently with dampened sheets from an orgasmic dream that always starred Brian. The days were not much better.
Finally it was time for the next monthly showing of the artist's work at the Academy. Justin didn't have as many pieces to display this time and he wasn't near as happy with his collection as he had been the previous month, but it was still worth the effort. He had one more drawing of Brian that he hadn't displayed before. This one was a lot less dramatic than the naked drawing, but his love for the model still made itself known. It was of Brian sitting at a table biting into an apple. The look on the man's face brought to mind Eve as she bit into the apple from the tree of knowledge. As Justin stood staring at the drawing on the display wall, lost in thought, he didn't notice a figure approach him from behind.
"Interesting subject...but he looks like nothing but trouble to me."
Justin whipped around and came face to face with the man who had been haunting his dreams. Brian stood there, looking tired, but still beautiful as he smiled crookedly at the blond. The urge to throw himself into Brian's arms was strong, but Justin held back. He knew he had to know where he stood first.
"Oh yes, he can be a bit of trouble sometimes, but he is so worth it," Justin snapped back.
Brian grew serious. "Look Justin, you're killing me. I can't sleep. I miss your cooking. My work has been worth shit lately. My friends tell me I'm too crabby to be around anymore. Even Michael seems to be avoiding me. Let's face it, Justin, you've turned my perfectly happy homo world upside down. I can't even find a trick that will hold a candle to you...and believe me, I've tried." Brian smirked with that statement.
Justin didn't give an inch. He waited.
"Okay, go ahead and force me to admit it. I miss you Justin. I miss us. It took a little while for me to get it, but I know now what you want of me...what you expect of me. I'll be honest. I don't know if I'll be any good at this 'couple' thing. I haven't had any practice at it. But I'm willing to give it a try. I'll do my best not to disappoint you. I like variety, Justin, so maybe we could set up some rules that we both can live with and still be a couple?"
Justin waited until Brian had finished. He looked into the face he loved with all his heart and soul. He could see that Brian was dead serious with everything he said. He wasn't sure if Brian was ready for a fully committed relationship yet, but Justin could see that he was sincere in his desire to give it his best shot. Justin knew he'd never know if it would work if he didn't give the man a chance. He remembered what he'd said about Brian being worth it, and he knew that was true. He knew he'd hate himself forever if he didn't try. He turned back to the drawing on the wall.
"Yes," he started, "you can see that the man in that drawing is worth the trouble. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep him in my life forever."
Brian moved up behind Justin and put his hands on the younger man's shoulders. He turned Justin around to face him. He reached down to his pocket and fished something out. He held the contents up in front of him. It was the spare key.
"I want you to move in. We can set up the rules first and then try living together, for real. I don't want to lose you again, Justin."
"You're not going to lose me Brian. I love you and I'll wait as patiently as I can for you to be able to trust me, and yourself, enough to say the same."
The kiss they shared this time was filled with both passion and comfort. It was filled with the promise of things to come. Words were no longer necessary. People around them could not help but notice the couple who were so obviously in love. Most of them smiled indulgently as they passed by, not wanting to disturb the lovers.
The End